Growing up with an absent parent?

[SpinningFloppa]

Do children with absent fathers really grow up not being affected by it? I often see it said that it doesn’t bother children but my children seem to find it hard, sometimes I regret not dating when they was younger so they had a father figure growing up. Is it really true that it doesn’t have any affect on children? (Obviously mothers do sometimes leave as well but the vast majority of absent parents are fathers and that is my situation which is why I specifically mention absent fathers)

It probably does affect them a bit, OP, but the effects of having the wrong man in their lives would be much worse.

And the benefits to them of having one loving and supportive parent, which they clearly have in you, will be huge.

It sounds like they’re quite young still so it’s not too late to change your dating policy if you want to, OP. In parenting, as our children get older, it’s so easy to look back and wish you’d done certain things differently. There’s a lot I would change if I could. But you can’t put back time and it felt like the right decision to you at the time, so don’t fret about it. And it’s always possible to change what you do going forward if you wish to.

Nah. An absent one is better than one who dips in and out, leaving the child not knowing where they stand and in a constant state of anxiety.

Thanks all, no too late for it now they are 11 10 and 8 so any man I met now wouldn’t be like a step dad to them it’s too late for that now, my regret is maybe I should have tried at the time when they was younger (been split for ex nearly 6 years) but it’s probably for the best anyway. I just read some posts on here from people who was left when their children were very little or during pregnancy and they’ve gone on to get married and their DH has been like a father to their child and loves them like their own so think maybe I should have made an attempt to meet someone so my children had a father figure. They do mention him quite a bit which shows me they do feel sadness about it.

My DS (now 11) was abandoned by his father two years ago. This is the second time it had happened but the family court kept giving him chances. My son is seriously damaged by it and has had extensive therapy.

It is an utterly cruel thing to do to a child but my son is now adamant that if Dad reappears again, he doesn't want to see him. He refers to him by his name if it ever comes up. I've found deeply saddening letters he's written to his dad and photographs with his dad's face scrubbed out or torn off.

I do my best to keep him safe and secure and we're very close. He has an older sibling to which he is also very close. We have family. He's drawn to men and I have a lovely neighbour who had something similar happen to him and he's so kind to DS. It's an absolutely shitty thing to do and the irony is my ex's own father did this to him and it affected him deeply. Yet he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to break that pattern and there is OW who made it clear DS wasn't part of their future. Absolute arseholes.

Never regret not having a man in your life. Thats the wrong approach and very harmful. There are many single parents who are able to be both a mother and a father figure perfectly well.

My mother stayed with our father as she believed having a father/man in our lives was the best way. It was toxic as hell and screwed up five lives. It wasn't her fault, it was the mistaken societal belief that two parents are better than one. Dont fall into that trap.

I think I missed out in the sense that I have half siblings who I'm not at all close to as didn't see them as children. I feel like my absent father could have prevented the loss of these relationships. I know objectively that I'm better off not having had my father in my life but do suffer with low self esteem, self worth and anxiety. It made me closer to my mum and I appreciate her so much. We had no other close family so was just me and her until she met her long term partner when I was 9. He was amazing and although they didn't marry I did consider him my stepdad. However they split when I was 24 and he didn't keep contact with me, which I would never have anticipated happening.

It affected me for a long time. It didn't mess up my life or cause me to turn to antisocial behaviour but it wrecked my confidence and made me feel unwanted. I was also very often the only one in my friendship circles with no dad in my life. I talked it all over in counselling and I've found acceptance over it so I don't have many negative feelings about it anymore. Most of my friends have lovely dads and I think it's sweet hearing about the nice things they do. Whilst my dad has been better recently, it'll never be how I want it to be but the only feeling I have left over is a slight sadness I'll never have a sweet dad who really cares.
It did make me extra careful who I chose to have kids with though. My DH is a fantastic dad, very hands and lot more soppy than me 😅

It does affect them. People don't want to say or hear that but it does

I agree.

i also don’t think it’s a blanket situation. I’ve seen kids with completely absent fathers manage fine, I’ve seen kids with actively involved parents grow up bitter because they perceive them as still not doing enough.

i do think it depends on the remaining parents attitude.

One good parent is enough, mine are not lacking, very motivated and happy. We have a neighbour who barks orders at his family the minute he steps out of his car, he can' t even get into his house before bossing everyone around. My kids have said they would rather shoot themselves than be stuck with a Dad like that.

I can say with 100% certainty my child is better off without my ex around. What could an unstable, lying, manipulative, emotionally, mentally, financially abusive, alcoholic possibly bring to her life other than destruction?

He is all Billy Big Baws back in our hometown, telling folk that he abandoned me whilst I was pregnant because “it was the worst thing I could think of to do to her”.

In reality, I’m grateful every single day that after I booted him out (once my midwife gently explained to me that I was being abused after I broke down), he disappeared.

He lives the saddest life I’ve ever come across, unable to hold a job, drinking himself to death, he’s now alienated his own family so they won’t put a roof over his head any more.

Meanwhile, since then, I’ve got a degree, a Masters, a decent job and I’ve just been accepted onto a PhD that comes with a stipend.

1 good parent is better than 1 good one and 1 shit one. As the child of that combo, I know which I’d have preferred.