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Relationships

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Original poster

Wedding cancelled due to mortgage hike

80 replies

Cocopogo · 27/09/2022 23:10

Recently booked wedding venue. Had a few discussions around finances recently and seemed to have settled and agreed on a plan. DP thinks either of our houses are too small (3 beds - no equity) and won’t entertain the idea of living all together in one (I have 2 DC - he has a mum who visits every couple of years from abroad and stays 6 months) so insists we buy a bigger house so he has a study to wfh and everyone has a room. However with mortgage rates shooting through roof it would be madness to buy at this point when we have fixed term mortgages and buy something bigger.
Which means the wedding will have to be cancelled. Gutted

OP posts:

Ragwort · 28/09/2022 08:27

fullsome agree with a PP ... why would you choose to live like that when you are comfortably living in a three bed house with your two DC? What's in it for the OP?

RosesAndHellebores · 28/09/2022 08:27

I think you do need a bigger house to be fair. I also think you should get married but need to make a distinction between a marriage and a wedding. I am sensing the op wants the big wedding and the potential husband wants the bigger house. Prior to the economic uncertainty both were on the cards but not now. I'd prioritise the house and compromise on the wedding.

In your circumstances, with DC and combining assets, I'd want a legal agreement ring-fencing my assets for my children.

LosingTheWill2022 · 28/09/2022 08:28

Snoken · 28/09/2022 07:01

Since you can afford to keep both your houses, keep both and he can use his as an office and accommodation for his mum when she’s around. You can then still get married, although in your situation I don’t see why being married is important.

This.

YumYummy · 28/09/2022 08:29

if you can’t agree on the big things it’s good you aren’t getting married. Spend time with your friends and family and see how it goes with this guy. It’s sounds as if it’s all about what he want, concentrate on prioritising your needs.

Stripedbag101 · 28/09/2022 08:39

Fullsomefrenchie · 28/09/2022 08:06

Wow what a charmed life you live. Kids get a bedroom each, you can work in any room unoccupied during the day, kids can share when granny comes. And you can’t Imagine it. How very privileged.

Show quote history

Six months is a long time for kids to share unless they are same sex and close in age.

Dannexe · 28/09/2022 08:43

Woah! MIL visits for six months! That would be a nightmare. Are you ok with that?

I'd be saying it will be lovely when she visits but obviously since you'll be married she will only be able to stay for three weeks max. f she wants to stay longer it will need to be in a short term rental

BeggarsMeddle · 28/09/2022 09:05

MIL visits for 6 months at a time every few years. Sheesh. Think ahead. Six months sounds bad.

PLUS you'd be creating a home where there'd be a room for her permanently. It could happen and you wouldn't be able to use the 'there's not enough room' argument because there will be.

Would you want that possibility in your future? Everything seems to be on his terms. He doesn't seem very flexible.

BadNomad · 28/09/2022 09:08

Can you rent out both your current houses then rent a larger one together?

fucap · 28/09/2022 09:16

@Cocopogo
Can you please explain more clearly why the wedding is off?
Who has called it off?
Makes no sense at all and difficult to advise when the circumstances aren't clear.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/09/2022 09:24

toomuchlaundry · 28/09/2022 08:25

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz and where does granny go when he is WFH?

Downstairs. Presumably she does sleep much during the day?

N4ish · 28/09/2022 09:32

Do you really need to get married and move in together with all the complications of kids and the MIL?! Would it be better to take a step back and keep things as they are for now?

AccountDeactivated · 28/09/2022 09:36

Do your kids need to live with your boyfriend? And his mother? How would it benefit them? That would be the lone reason to move him in, facilitating your (plural) love life is not the priority. Your posts only mention the blokes list of demands, what do your kids want?

TrashPandas · 28/09/2022 09:40

Why do you want to move a man in with your two children?

SansaStarkWolf · 28/09/2022 09:49

Hang on a minute - so the wedding is cancelled because he wants a study and a bedroom for his mothers sole use that she will be using for 6 months every couple of years??? Every couple of years????

Sorry but I’d be telling him you will make space for a desk and his mother will have to look at short term furnished rentals for her 6 months - otherwise as others have said, perhaps an extension on either property might be a solution

toomuchlaundry · 28/09/2022 10:00

WFH where there isn’t a designated separate space can be a nightmare, especially if there are DC in the house. When DH first WFH at the start of the pandemic he set up his workspace in the kitchen. He spends a lot of time in meetings so it was difficult for other people to go into the kitchen. He then set up his office in the spare room and that makes life a lot easier.

In your 3 bed house @Cocopogo where would your partner be working?

Attictroll · 28/09/2022 10:04

I'm with your dp to be fair. It would be hell all squashed in. Tbh your talking about living with each other not getting married- they are not mutually exclusive. Not because of his attitude but why do you actually want to get married- you have kids, you have a home - everything marriage entails ( and I'm assuming you have a good sex life with dp and fun) feels like it's a good set up - why ruin it by getting married, squeezing into a house etc

Forfukzsake · 28/09/2022 10:06

When we wanted to get married we got married. We looked at how much money we had and organised a wedding with what we had. Would have done the same if we only had a few hundred. I would rather get married when I wanted to than wait years for a fancy wedding.

wildseas · 28/09/2022 10:12

How far apart do you live?

Could he move into your house but still keep his house for his mum to stay in when she comes?

If very close could he commute there every day to work? Or can you find another office solution like a garden office shed thing ?

Don’t marry him until you’ve lived together for a couple of years !

stickynoter · 28/09/2022 10:32

It seems strange that you're more focussed on a wedding than living together?

threecupsofteaminimum · 28/09/2022 11:05

I don't think you're thinking straight. You're focused on a wedding and that is skewing sense and priorities.

His mother will be living with you 50% of your lives, for starters.

You haven't even lived with this proposed new husband of yours for 5 minutes yet to know if that'll work.

I'd slow right down, I'm sorry but it does not sound at all as if he is as keen as you.

Postpone everything and have a good long think about what it is you want. I talking from experience, apologies if I sound harsh. I wish every day someone had stopped me marrying my ex husband. It ended up costing me a fortune and a life of embarrassment when I look back at how little due diligence I did, which was practically zero.

Good luck.

Original poster

Cocopogo · 28/09/2022 11:46

@RosesAndHellebores that’s a strange assumption. It’s DP who wants a big wedding, house etc. I’d be happy having small wedding, house etc. But DP is the higher earner and I agreed if he wanted a big wedding he could have one, within reason.

My concern is we are going from comfortable to uncomfortable and I’m heartbroken that it looks like we can’t afford to live together therefore can’t get married.

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 28/09/2022 11:47

I certainly would balk at the idea of MIL living with me for 6 months- !!

Arenanewbie · 28/09/2022 11:52

Why should his Mum visit for such a long time? It’s not sarcastic or anything, it just sounds strange hence my question.

Aprilx · 28/09/2022 11:54

I don’t think all housebuying and selling needs to go on hold for two years. I wouldn’t move because I fancied a change right now, but if I needed a larger house because of a growing family / blending families then I would move.

I honestly also don’t get this connection between getting married and mortgage rates, it really does sound like an excuse to me.

fucap · 28/09/2022 11:59

I honestly also don’t get this connection between getting married and mortgage rates, it really does sound like an excuse to me

Yup, I don't understand this either and the OP still hasn't explained.
Is it because the wedding would be too expensive on top of getting a new property?
Or is it because DP won't marry you unless you agree to the larger house?
What is it? Why exactly is this stopping you getting married?

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