I desperately want another baby , DH doesn`t

[babbi]

Sorry this is not a problem as such, I am just struggling very much accepting this.

I love babies and have always wanted loads.I married DH and became stepmum to his two kids now 22 and 20 . We have since had DD now 2.5 by IVF as DH`s vasectomy reversal was not a great success . He has always said he would only agree to one pregnancy and stands by that.
I have no grounds for complaining as I was fully aware of all this.
But lately I am so broody I am starting to really wonder if I did the right thing by marrying someone who wants to limit a family when I am so keen to have more. It is getting me really down thinking that DD is the last (I know that I am wrong to think like this and should just be eternally grateful for my adorable DD) but I crave another baby.
Other than this DH and I agree on just about everything, though in this last week I am a little distant with him and he keeps asking if I am ok. He said again yesterday -no way another baby.

Please can someone tell me these broody feelings wiil subside and I can get back to normal ??? (Doesn`t help all my friends are expecting their second !!)
Oh and we are lucky money is not a problem re IVF etc

I really sympathise, Babbi. We always planned to adopt at some point, so after two DSs I was sterilised. (DS2 was 18 months at the time). Generally I felt fine about the decision, but there were times when I was SO broody and upset about no more babies. I have a friend with four and she STILL gets broody, tho' is relieved her DH has had the snip. Broodiness CAN just be part of being a woman, part of your monthly cycle.

It does sound like you would be putting serious strain on your marriage if you backtracked on your agreement with DH.

Is there any way you can incorporate babies into your life without having another one yourself?

We did adopt a little girl who's now three and I am no longer in the least bit broody!!!

My DH wasn't keen on no. 3 for a very long time. I was clear that I was but I didn't nag and let him dwell on it for a bit. I did have the added weapon of telling him that if he was the one who didn't want more than he could be responsible for the contraception. He did go and see about the Big V and the dr told him that the biggest side-effect of that procedure was regret and that if we weren't both totally convinced that our family was complete than he wouldn't recommend going ahead. Then some friends around us had their no.3's and one of our friends children was diagnosed with a terminal illness and out of the blue he changed his mind.

I know that you agreed to just the one child when you married him, but you can't have possibly known how you were going to feel about it once you had your own child. Let him brood on it on his own a bit and maybe he will come around. I would try the argument that it is not just about you and your feelings, but about your DD, who will be 'alone' on the immediate family front once you and your DH pass - morbid I know, but it might help your cause. Good Luck, sim

I know how you feel Its so hard. I'm trying to convince dp about no 2 at the moment (i'd love 3!) The problem with us comes because dd was unplanned (ie came along earlier than we would have planned) we had talked about 'children' but dp is very sensible and would like us to be in a better position financially, but i really don't want a huge age gap. Dp started off by saying no more children full stop but recently he has said we can if we manage to buy a bigger house this year. I've felt so broody since dd was a couple of months old (she's now 18 months) and it has been really hard hearing dp say no more. It does make you really re-look at the relationship. Now i can see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel i feel happier but there is now such an emphasis on moving house, i don't know what i'll do if we can't (especially with the economy at the moment ) I hate the idea of dd being an only child

I really struggled with this when DH said no more after no2. I really, really wanted another child and every couple of months would bring the subject up, but there was no way he was going to change his mind. Mine were born 14 months apart and he found it really hard work, so didn't think he would ever cope with another. It was something that I thought about nearly every single day and gradually, I managed to console myself that there wouldn't be any more children and in the end became really happy with the decision. About six months later, I fell pregnant with DD2, and I was convinced DH was going to go through the roof, but actually he was really happy.
I suppose what I'm trying to say (in a very long winded way) is once they come along, most DHs will wonder why they were ever so convinced that they didn't want any more. Most reasons are financial/trepidation but the love they feel for their own child overcomes all of that.
Do I make sense? Had a very, very long night...

I'm in this situation too - I'm 38 and have a lovely 2yo DS, but I want another so much and DP doesn't. I've discussed it before on MN and I know quite a few people here will know exactly how you feel. I'm just hoping for the gradual change of mind and I do keep raising it and discussing it with him - I'm not giving up. In may case I think I can see the first glimmer of hope as he has said he can see how much it maters to me. He's just scared of the extra work and tiredness, and I'm convinced he would/will be happy with the reality... but I also try to remind myself how I would feel if it was the other way round - if I didn't want another and he did, I'd want that to be respected. Just keep talking to him if you can.

Lets just hope that they all gradually change their minds........

Thanks to all for being so kind to reply.

Janni great idea re having other kids around - have already done that - am known locally as the drop off centre for kids - the other mums think I am bonkers to be delighted at getting my house trashed every day. !!

Aussi sim - you totally hit the nail on the head - I never imagined that I would feel such strong maternal feelings like this. When I got PG with DD I was in a very highly paid job and my Mum was to watch DD while I carried on with my career . What a joke - at my first scan at 10 weeks PG I decided there and then no one would be watching my baby but me and I never went back to work and will not until way after DD goes to school - even then part time at most.

I know DH and I had a "one baby deal" but I did that as a childless woman who loved babies . Totally different person from the doting mum that I am now.

Sammysam , Snowleopard and Tinytotmummy thank you - I really hope in your cases that in time you will get what you wish for.

Also Janni I note your point about marriage strain - I do need to keep things in perspective.

Also Aussie sim you are right regarding our mortality- I think of DD in this respect a lot - we are planning to immigrate to Canada in the next couple of years and would prefer that DD had a sibling there when we pass on.
(My Bf out there was left at 18 as both her Mum and Dad passed away very young and she only had relatives back in the UK - it was and still is very hard for her.) Really don`t want that for DD. DH says our older 2 ie my stepkids will be there for her.

Anyway had a very long chat with DH again today with lots of tears explaining again how much I am struggling with this .
He was as usual very patient and acknowledged that I am not really trying to U turn or change the deal - he says he understands that my outlook after DD has changed. BUT all said he simply cannot agree to another baby - he did say " I always give you everything that you want and you know that "(true - he is a gem ) but he says to please understand him he really cannot agree to something so important that he doesn`t want.

He is taking me away next week to Spain for a break and when we get back I have to let him know what I want to help me through this hard time . He suggested Spa days , a little part time course or job to keep me mentally active. In short anything that will make me feel better ! He really is a wonderful man - has volunteered to do all possible to support me through this just cannot give me the little baby !!

Will count my blessings to have such a wonderful husband and lovely daughter and stop moaning.

( sshhh ps have fingers secretly crossed that somehow the reversal comes good and we have a surprise !! - he would just get on with that as it was meant to be - just won`t actively seek it !!!)

Thanks once again to everyone for their kindness - good luck with your wishes xxx

Babbi - your DH does sound like a very thoughtful, caring, straightforward man and one of those is probably worth as much as another baby...Hope things work out for you.

Hi Janni

Thanks again for your kind words and support.
I have to say that I am so grateful for MN that I can vent my emotions . I just can`t say this in RL as all my friends see how good I have got it !! I am sure you see why I feel bad complaining about my lot !! DH is so kind.
Can I please blame mother nature/hormones iin my defence ??? !!!!
Anyway back to the suggestion re other babies .... I heard through the toddler group grapevine that a lady round the corner is struggling with 2 little ones and has no one to call on for support so have wandered round ( I know her from ante natal group) there this evenng and volunteered to have her boys Mon and Tues afternoons to give her a break .
She is delighted and her husband gave me a box of chocs on leaving saying thank you so much - we just need a bit of respite !!
So mother of one has new outlook - enjoy my own and help all others enjoy theirs!!!

Once again thank you so much for taking the time to communicate with me and more importantly helping me count my blessings !!
xxxxxxxx

Wow Babbi, that's a wonderful thing to do and a win win all round by the sounds of it.

Those pesky hormones can be blamed for many things!!

I'm in the same situation Babbi, dh never wanted kids, but agreed we could try for one. We have a wonderful 2 year old ds who we both love very much, but as much as i beg for another he just won't budge. He says he's to old (40 this year)
I'm just hoping i can use my feminine charms

Good luck Wendyjayb !!!
I am sure your charms are substantial !!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

babbi, does your dh say WHY he doesn't want more? That might make it easier to discuss.

I would start ttc no3 at the drop of a hat, DH doesn't want any more. We have 2 beautiful DS's (youngest just 11 weeks) but for me it would be about getting/being pregnant as I've had so many mcs rather than wanting to bring another person into our family. Rationally 4 works really on a practical level also being pregnant with DS2 meant I was really limited on what I could do with DS1 (physically difficult pregnancy) and I don't want to miss any more of the precious early years with either of them. So I guess no more for me...

Hi Thaliablogs,
He says that a second one would really restrict us !! At the moment he says that we can still holiday regularly etc with minimum fuss but with a second the "logistics of it are a lot more involved".
My chance for two was if the IVF had produced twins !! At that point he said well if it turns out to be two then we just have to get on with it .
I have asked him to try to view the second as a "delayed twin" !!! And can he just not get on with that !!
(worth a try I thought !!)
But no chance ....

(Am I allowed to say that the extra work of a baby would be all mine anyway ?? eg DH will only change DD nappy if I am out and not due back real soon !! He has never bathed her !! Loves her dearly but is happy for mummy to do all the hands on care)

UPDATE - please more advice needed ???

Sorry to resurrect this but I am feeling so bad with this just now.
DH and I have just talked about splitting up !
I am so unhappy as I so desperately want another baby and DH just will not consider it.
We are off to Canada for a month and then Spain for 4 months and DH thinks I should be so grateful that we have the lifestyle that most people can only dream of.
I know I maybe sound like a spoilt bitch but I just do not value material things or expensive jaunts - nice to have but not the most important thing in life IMHO.
I would gladly give up the finer things in life and all the travelling etc that DH really wants to do - just to stay at home and add to our little family.

It just seems to me that we now want very different things and I dont know what to do next. We are also talking of going to Oz at the end of the year for a few months - but ( I am sorry but its true) I think what is the sodding point of all this if deep down that is not what will make me happy ...

Am I selfish or ungrateful ??

Please be honest - it is stretching me to breaking point having to pretend that I am excited at the prospect of my future like this ... endless jaunts and empty arms ......

I really don't know ... I think I would feel the same as you, men will never understand the maternal longing for babies though. Would you really lose your family unit for another baby though?

Thank you so much for your reply -- you have hit the nail on the head - the family unit DD , SS and SD who all depend on me so much is really what is keeping me here ....
I dont want to upset them --- but I am so frightened that if I just continue to put on a brave face and go through the motions then in later years I will really regret "living a lie" as it were ....you know pretending to one and all that I am happy ... I really wish I didnt feel like this .....

Hi babbi, you're not being selfish or ungrateful. I totally understand what you're saying because I'm going through exactly the same thing with my dh. Originally he said he wanted two children, but since we had our ds he's said he only wants one now as it was too stressful and tiring. The awful thing is I can't really turn round and say "stressfull? Tiring? I did (and still do)all the work for him, and I don't mind doing that again so what's your fucking problem???" because I know he'll clam up and say definitely no.

The last time we talked about it he ended up in tears (so was I!) and said he thought a second one would kill our relationship as he thinks we argue tons since ds was born. I contend that because everyone argues after a certain amount of time in a relationship don't they? If we weren't bickering about ds we'd find something else to bicker about. It's just human nature. The thing is, I think if he refuses to have another I think it'll kill our relationship too because I'd be so resentful. It's a total impasse.

My mum and sister are totally supportive of me and my sister's advice was to not mention it again for a bit, to wait until ds is a bit older (he's 6 mo) and talk to him again and reassure him it won't be the same second time around. My sister managed to persuade her dh to go for number 6 after he said no more at 5, so she must be on to something. My plan is to bring it up again maybe in the summer, after a bottle or two of wine... Oh I don't know, but until then I'm not mentioning it.

I wish I had some great advice for you, I don't really. I don't know how much travelling you've already done with your dd, but I don't think adding another child in to the equation is going to make things that much harder, if you're travelling with one child you may as well travel with 2. And if it's a sponteneity issue (what is it about men? They sit on their arses all day doing sod all and complain that children take all the sponteneity out of their lives!!) if you've got one child all the sponteneity has gone out of your life anyway.

Gosh, I'm rambling, can you tell this is an issue close to my heart? My dh totally infuriates me when I say I want another baby for ds so he can have a sibling and dh says that's a rubbish reason. To me that's the most important reason. Seeing my sisters children playing together really convinces me that everyone needs at least one sibling.

this is difficult, babbi I feel for you. I don't think you are being selfish, but to be fair to your dh I guess he did make it clear at the start. Some men do change their minds though - my friend's dh did - but your dh hasn't. It sounds like you may want different things, so you have a hard decision to make. You already have 1 child by him, plus there's your stepchildren, to consider.
For my dh and I, we are the other way around - dh would like another but I don't, and i said at the outset I would only do it once. I've not changed my mind yet and I'm 40 now! I do consider dh's feelings but atm I just can't face doing it again. I know though that dh wouldn't leave us, he couldn't leave the dd he already has. I hope that if we don't have another, he won't resent me later.
not easy.. there are no easy answers!

Thank you so much Mrs Mar, Impasse is exactly the word DH used earlier today - and as for your phrase

" stressfull? Tiring? I did (and still do)all the work for him, and I don't mind doing that again so what's your fucking problem???"

totally laughing out load - exactly how it is in my household !!!

I know really we can`t provide the solution for each other , but I cannot say how much I am grateful to you for letting me see I am not alone...
Good luck ...... should you "hit the jackpot" please be sure to let us know

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind about wanting another child.

And certainly nothing selfish or ungrateful.

I mean, you didn't realise how your feelings would change after you had your son.

BUT, he made it clear to you that he didn't want another.

And this statement speaks volumes: 'I would gladly give up the finer things in life and all the travelling etc that DH really wants to do - just to stay at home and add to our little family.'

You and he want some very different things.

And neither is wrong.

But it's not unwise to consider counselling or even separation if in your heart of hearts what you really need to be happy is to have another child.

That is very painful.

I ended a marriage because my ex h never wanted children.

But at the end of the day, it was no more fair of me to try to get him to change his mind as it was for him to change my mind.

And now we are both far, far happier with other people who wanted the same things we did.

Unfortunately, having kids is one of those make or break things for the most part.

Expat makes some excellent points in her post but her situatiion is not comparable to Babbi's because she didn't have any children when she slip up with her first husband.

Maybe Babbi's feelings are not selfish, but on the other hand you could argue she is being selfish. Would Babbi really be willing to leave her husband just so that she could have more children with someone else i order to make herself happy but in so doing then take her existing child away from her father?

I think Babbi has made her bed so should lie on it.

She owes it to her child to allow her the chance of a stable home and family life with both her parents until that becomes untenable.

Her husband made it clear to her that he didn't want more than one child (he's now got 3) with her yet went ito starting a family with him when she always knew that she "loved babies and wanted loads of them".

I would say she should have acknowledged from the start that her and her husband wated different things from life. She didn't (or either did but chose to ignore it) and is now, it seems, paying the price.

It is unfair to seek to exert pressure (however gentle) on someone to have a child.

It's a child for heave's sake, a life - you're not trying to "get around" someone to persuade them to move house or buy a new car, or some other matieral possession. It's a waaaay bigger decision than that.

Well, that is a true and salient point.

I had missed that out, the wanting loads of kids from the outset when he made it clear he only wanted one more.

When my ex and I got married, we didn't even bother talking about the future. I didn't consider what it would be like. I was pretty immature for my age and very much living in the hear and now.

Same as he was.

Ah yes - I've been through this too. We have two dds and always said even before we married and had children that we would want only two children. They are both 8 and 6 now. Last year I went through about six months of absolute broodiness and DH wasn't having any of it. I can't blame him because I've suffered with depression since DD2 was born and I'm still on ADs now. He said he just couldn't go through seeing my like it again - also DD2 had to go through resus when she was born and it was a very scary time. He said he never wanted to take a chance like that again. Totally valid reasons his part but something in me was desperate for another child.
Now months on I realise that us not having number 3 is the right decision. DH and I are starting to "get our lives back" again - DD1 and DD2 are becoming more independant. We can take them out to a play area for example and actually relax with a coffee - unlike when they were babies and toddlers we would have to watch them the entire time. I think it's difficult for some women to accept that that part of their lives is over and they need to move on - I'm certainly an example of that.
I hope thinks work out for the best for you. xx