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Original poster

Could this be why he’s emotionally unavailable

30 replies

Hopelesslove · 27/09/2022 19:50

So I’ve sort of been seeing a guy I’m really in to. It started as a casual lunch, we’ve had a couple of dinners out and there has been lots of regular messaging. Initially this was very flirty and I got swept up in it all, presumed he really liked me and I slept with him.

Things then got quiet and it was clear there was no real relationship. He thought I wanted friends with benefits. I explained that I don’t think that’s for me as I felt a bit disappointed when I felt he’d cooled off after we had sex. He said he thought we should be friends and I agreed. I’m happy to be his friend as he’s a lovely guy.

We’ve still kept in contact. He has said he enjoys my company. We’re both very attracted to each other and the sex was brilliant. So I was struggling to figure out why he doesn’t want a relationship with me. We’re both mid 40s.

His older brother had a chronic illness when they were children and died when he was about 20. He hasn’t spoken about this much but from what I gather, much of his parents time was spent looking after the sibling when they were children.

I don’t know if this could be why he’s emotionally unavailable? He’s a lovely guy otherwise and I feel he could make someone really happy, even if that’s not me. When we’ve spoken about relationships he has basically said he’s not good at them. He said he’s happy on his own, he likes to be able to go his own thing. If someone special came along then great, if not he’s happy on his own.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 27/09/2022 19:53

That is maybe why he's emotionally unavailable.

However, if you fancy him still, I wonder how you'll be able to stay friends without getting hurt in the long run.

Psychopomps · 27/09/2022 19:55

Why does it matter? He doesn’t want what you want. I’d steer clear of a friendship with him - you clearly want more and are likely to get hurt.

Merlott · 27/09/2022 19:56

It's not very "lovely" to lead someone on, shag them and then "go cold" though is it?

He doesn't sound lovely he sounds like a man child who is using you.

You deserve someone better surely?

DickDarstedly · 27/09/2022 19:59

It is absolutely never, ever a good idea to try and work out why someone is emotionally unavailable. Trust me, I'm 60 and I have really been through the relationship mill. Always, always simply listen to what people tell you about themselves.

This man is not available for a serious relationship. That is hard. It's hard for you to understand but that's all there is to it. Any delving, analysing, wishing or hoping will not get you anywhere. It might work out in romantic films but not in real life. In real life relationships are not complicated, they do not involve lots of guessing about each other.

Whitney168 · 27/09/2022 20:00

Difficult to say this without sounding grotty, but genuinely don't meant it as such - I think you're over-analysing this. I am sure he'll be perfectly emotionally available to someone he is interested in a relationship with, but at this time that isn't you.

forgotoldusername · 27/09/2022 20:06

You always need to add two words when they say "I'm not ready for a relationship" and they are "with me"

In this case he's emotionally unavailable "with you". If you continue to see him in a year or so he'll suddenly be emotionally available with someone else and you'll keep wondering why. I would just tell him you don't want to be friends and move on. Also it's very disingenuous of him to sleep with you and THEN decide he doesn't want a relationship.

Aussiebean · 27/09/2022 20:09

It doesn’t matter why he isn’t available.

What matters is the he is not available

that is all you need to know.

goldenbag · 27/09/2022 20:09

Good advice on this thread, OP. Sorry - but don't waste any more time on him.

Betternottoask · 27/09/2022 20:11

If someone special came along then great, if not he’s happy on his own.

sorry to be blunt, but he is already telling you you're not special enough (to him) to change his lifestyle/get into something serious. If you really are trying to be friends, then stick to your boundaries of no type of romantic/sexual activities. Know your value and know that, if you want it, someone will find you so special that they won't use you for sex, let the relationship go cold then keep you on the back burner in the guise of being 'friends'

Mamoun · 27/09/2022 20:14

Watch or re-watch "he's not that into you" - a brilliant film which helped me get over many disappointing dates. You deserve someone who wants you!

honeylulu · 27/09/2022 20:15

He's told you though hasn't he? You aren't "someone special" he'd want a relationship with. It's horrid that he strung you along until you'd had sex. Maybe he's a player? Maybe he was testing out if you had the chemistry he was hoping for?

Don't agonise though. There is no future. Someone else will be crazy for you!

MmeMeursault · 27/09/2022 20:15

It's a possible reason - but not an excuse - for his behaviour towards you.

In the nicest possible way OP, lots of people have experienced bereavement of a sibling but not all of them treat their sexual partners like crap.

SunscreenCentral · 27/09/2022 20:18

DickDarstedly · 27/09/2022 19:59

It is absolutely never, ever a good idea to try and work out why someone is emotionally unavailable. Trust me, I'm 60 and I have really been through the relationship mill. Always, always simply listen to what people tell you about themselves.

This man is not available for a serious relationship. That is hard. It's hard for you to understand but that's all there is to it. Any delving, analysing, wishing or hoping will not get you anywhere. It might work out in romantic films but not in real life. In real life relationships are not complicated, they do not involve lots of guessing about each other.

I wish this post could be the Banner Post for this board. Old as I am (50+) this has given me the slap on the chops that I needed about yet another crush/pathetic set of time-wasting by me for a guy who's nothing in my future life

Original poster
Hopelesslove · 27/09/2022 20:20

Thank you everyone.
I am absolutely sticking to my boundaries. There has been no romantic stuff, flirty stuff or anything going on since our chat about staying friends. I know he doesn’t want a relationship with me. But is it worth throwing away a potentially good friend?
he didn’t know me very well when I slept with him and to be perfectly honest, I initiated!
We get on, I don’t have many male friends and I don’t want not to have him in my life.
I feel like I’ve moved on and won’t let him stop me dating other people, though this hasn’t happened yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopelesslove · 27/09/2022 20:23

Mamoun · 27/09/2022 20:14

Watch or re-watch "he's not that into you" - a brilliant film which helped me get over many disappointing dates. You deserve someone who wants you!

Ooooh haven’t seen that for ages… will definitely watch again

OP posts:
mintywinter · 27/09/2022 20:23

Is he a good friend though? It sounds like he's fobbing you off a bit.

cookiecreammmpie · 27/09/2022 20:24

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I don't buy all the emotionally unavailable stuff. That was what I told myself to make myself feel better when in past relationships men only ever seemed to want me for sex or when they wanted me for a casual thing but not long term. If a man likes you enough to commit to you, he will.

nuttynotty · 27/09/2022 23:53

cookiecreammmpie · 27/09/2022 20:24

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I don't buy all the emotionally unavailable stuff. That was what I told myself to make myself feel better when in past relationships men only ever seemed to want me for sex or when they wanted me for a casual thing but not long term. If a man likes you enough to commit to you, he will.

Agree with this.

There are also the fuck boi types who just want to increase their 'body count' and don't give a shit about a deeper connection.

Either way, I'm not sure I would stay friends with this guy, you sound like you'll end up being his side-chick.

HellonHeels · 28/09/2022 00:02

I think accepting the friendship is dangerously close to accepting crumbs in the hope of a relationship.

What would happen if he came back and said he'd changed his mind and wanted a relationship? Would you decline on the grounds that you agreed to be friends?

No one needs a friend like this.

Mermaidwaves · 28/09/2022 01:05

I've been here a fair few times and deep down I was always hoping they might fall for me too and it would lead to a relationship, nope it never happened! The truth is the minute these men meet the right girl they suddenly become ready for a relationship! Marriage, babies the lot! A lot of men will be happy to see you on a casual basis but dont fool yourself you're ok with it if deep down you have feelings, I've been there, it hurts when they drop you for Miss Right.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2022 01:11

I don't think you're being honest with yourself. I think you're holding a candle for him, even though he has been crystal clear that he is not available for a relationship. He's not a friend, op, and he really doesn't care about you.

ILoveMyCaravan · 28/09/2022 01:20

A sentence I wish I'd understood years ago:

"If he wanted to, he would..."

DramaAlpaca · 28/09/2022 01:29

I think by being friends with him, when you'd really like more, is opening yourself up to getting very hurt. He's not worth it.

Pinkbonbon · 28/09/2022 02:42

He's not q good friends though.

If I said to you that I acted all pally until i slept with someone and then I blew cold on them and then I told them I wanted to be friends, knowing that they obviously liked me...and that I said to them 'I'd get into a relationship with someone if they were special... ' what would you think of me? You'd think I was a fucking scumball. Youd be angry on behalf of the person i was treating badly! Right? I'd Definitely not be friend material!

So why is it different if you are thevperson being treated like shit?

MmeMeursault · 28/09/2022 05:06

FFS you're somewhat delusional if you can't see that by allowing you to believe that you're "friends", he's stringing you along and keeping you sweet so that he can get his leg over again whenever he wants, and then fuck off again to which you'll conclude "he's my friend but just emotionally unavailable because of his poor brother" instead of "he's a player and doesn't give a shit about me".