Could this be why he’s emotionally unavailable

[Hopelesslove]

So I’ve sort of been seeing a guy I’m really in to. It started as a casual lunch, we’ve had a couple of dinners out and there has been lots of regular messaging. Initially this was very flirty and I got swept up in it all, presumed he really liked me and I slept with him.

Things then got quiet and it was clear there was no real relationship. He thought I wanted friends with benefits. I explained that I don’t think that’s for me as I felt a bit disappointed when I felt he’d cooled off after we had sex. He said he thought we should be friends and I agreed. I’m happy to be his friend as he’s a lovely guy.

We’ve still kept in contact. He has said he enjoys my company. We’re both very attracted to each other and the sex was brilliant. So I was struggling to figure out why he doesn’t want a relationship with me. We’re both mid 40s.

His older brother had a chronic illness when they were children and died when he was about 20. He hasn’t spoken about this much but from what I gather, much of his parents time was spent looking after the sibling when they were children.

I don’t know if this could be why he’s emotionally unavailable? He’s a lovely guy otherwise and I feel he could make someone really happy, even if that’s not me. When we’ve spoken about relationships he has basically said he’s not good at them. He said he’s happy on his own, he likes to be able to go his own thing. If someone special came along then great, if not he’s happy on his own.

I agree with this. I think OP you're trying to justify staying in his life, when he's treating you extremely casually.

You just need to move on now.

You don't need to believe that he's quite so malicious here. It's perfectly possible that he

a) is friendly, but doesn't fancy you enough to want to be in a relationship,

but also

b) isn't capable of saying no to you if he's single and you come onto him.

Makes him honest but a bit weak.

No evil player theory is required to explain this behaviour. Or psychoanalysis about whether he is emotionally unavailable due to his brother.

This, basically

He's a bell end and stringing you along. Some really good advice here. Everyone has horrible things happen to them in their lives so its no excuse. It happened to me and we became "friends" but only so I could accept his breadcrumbs. It was a one-sided friendship - I had to listen to all his problems and pretend I cared. My problems were never as "bad" as his. Each time we saw each other I thought we would get back together again but it was always on his terms. I knew he was looking for other women. I'm probably older than you but my mental health and self-esteem hit rock bottom. Please don't be like me. All the best.

Why do you think he's emotionally unavailable? That's not the same as him not wanting a relationship with you. He's said that if someone special comes along, he'll have a relationship, so clearly nobody he deems as special has come into his life yet.

Do you think that everybody emotionally available wants a relationship with you?