Recovery from infidelity

[Belie]

It's been a while now, and it still hurts so much. I think a lot about whether to stay or go.

I love my partner still. Perhaps not in the same way as his actions made me lose trust and respect.

I think there was a window where he could have done certain things; mostly related to looking deep inside for the answers we probably both needed as to why.

He wasn't up to it. He tried. He is obviously remorseful but i don't honestly feel he learned all that much.

I stopped being angry. Now I am just sad. Not constantly, but a lot. I find it hard to be excited or happy about the future.

I wish this had never happened to me.

I know he really wishes the same.

Still, probably 2 years on and I still don't really understand how or why.

In our daily life, he freaks out if I'm sad or hurt or even uncomfortable. He'll run home from work to hold a sick bucket if I'm ill. I think if anyone ever harmed me, he'd do heaven knows what.

So it still makes no sense really to me that he put me in the way of so much harm, over and over.

For what?

I don't say this from jealousy, but the woman was objectively not a good person. She was a lot older, she was very cruel, she behaved I ways I know he abhors. Yet somehow she flattered him and met some emotional needs and he formed this attachment.

If it was so easy for him to do that with this awful person, what happens when someone lovely or young or pretty or truly great comes along?

I don't really understand why. I do on the surface (I was away for a year, he was lonely, she was there and he was selfish)

But that still doesn't really explain WHY

Because given all those circumstances, I'd be incapable of doing or even wanting to do that.

He tells me he loves me and has only ever loved me. I don't really know what that even means.

I just don't know how to stop feeling sad. And if I leave, I doubt I'll stop feeling sad then either.

Can anyone who's been through this talk to me. I just feel completely alone.

I can't talk to him anymore. My pain is always hijacked by his shame and sense of inadequacy.

He says all he wants is for me to look at him like I used to do.

Your last sentence. That's never going to happen is it, sadly. Sorry for your pain.

This sounds really tough and I’m sorry.

Have you had couples counselling? People often recommend Esther Perel’s work around infidelity, there is a book and she has a couples counselling podcast.

I don't really know how to verbally express this correctly but I think I could have looked at him the way I once did.

If.

If I felt he'd done everything humanly possible to make amends. To earn forgiveness. To grow and learn and understand how or why this happened so he could then explain it to me.

But he didn't really do those things. He was so caught up in himself and so overwhelmed by the catastrophic consequences of it all that I never got that.

So now I think he just is the perfect partner. Giving me all I ever wanted. But I'm sad inside. Because he never really fixed it.

He knows this.

You won't look at him the same, as to you he isn't the same decent trustworthy person he was before he betrayed you. It's like they took away the person you thought he was and replaced him with someone who looks the same but is fundamentally flawed.

And there's nothing he can say to excuse his behaviour, nothing excuses what he has done to you. No reason will be enough as there's no reason you would have done the same to him.

We have not tried counselling. I read all the books at first. But the be honest after about two months I felt like I was doing it on my own

@Madamecastafiore the words you've written are factually correct.

I just don't know how to really see him this way.

There's the dichotomy. It almost feels like he's two people in my head.

I am not saying a reason could ever be "enough", but I he truly understood the true why of it all, then I could understand too.

It would give me peace, even if I don't stay.

If it makes any sense at all, for some reason his failure to make amends feels worse than the affair.

He thinks I want to punish him.

I don't.

I just want to not hurt anymore

I could have written your post word for word, same time scale, only his AP & others were beautiful, not inside obviously.
The sadness you feel is completely normal and in my case I don't think will ever truly leave, you come to a sad acceptance.
However my husband has done and is doing 'the work' and as much as that is positive it still does not change the pain and the feeling of loss,
Loss of safety loss of knowing what's real what isn't.
Key to your recovery and healing as much as you can is his total and utter commitment to repairing the damage digging deep to find out why- by the way the 'Why' isn't the answer- it wont help you - I wont help because it will open up another set of questions and another...
Its not your job to find out why and how to prevent it happening again- It is all on him.
The answer to why is because he wanted to- That's it. End of story a choice, an action that he took because he wanted to.
Acceptance of that feels impossible
Are you in joint therapy ?
I'm sorry you are going through this

He needs to understand that you needing answers and needing to process this is for you, to be able to heal and move forward, it's not to punish him but that's on him, if he's big enough to cope with his feelings and shame whilst helping you move foreword without constantly banging on about his feelings then you'll be able to move foreword.

I'm sorry for spamming but I feel so alone today. I woke up and was crying and went for a walk. I'm away for work and part of me doesn't want to go home.

Life used to feel exciting and safe and happy and I thought I was great. Now none of those things feel true.

I used to feel so in love, so treasured. Now I can't. Because at some point he made these choices.

He said to me in tears a few days ago that I deserved him to have moved to be with me sooner, to have never cheated, and to have fixed it much better than he did.

He said "we were so great and I've gone and fucked it".

We have the world ahead of us and everything I've ever wanted and instead of being happy I'm just sad.

I'm just so sad

It's like grief, you're grieving for the man you thought he was whilst having to cope with living with a carbon copy of him.

@tabletipper I'm sorry this happened to you. What you describe is EXACTLY what Im lacking. He's not given these things and I know I can't be healed without them.

I've no advice OP but so sorry you are going through this.

@Madamecastafiore yes, it's grief. Very deep grief. Not just about him but about me. There's so much loss tied into this. I feel deep sorrow and i know he acutely feels that too.

Part of this is about shame. He deeply hates himself, and ironically doesn't see doing "the work" is probably his only chance to fix it.

It's also that he can't talk about the affair with a stranger. Why is complicated, but the short answer is that the affair partner was abusive. Extremely so.

Well then I would say he is at risk of doing it again.

There’s something very deep and troubling that he doesn’t understand about himself. As he hasn’t addressed it, it’s still there.

I think if he wants to help resolve this at a deeper lever, he needs individual therapy if he can’t handle joint therapy. But if he does do that, I would hope he would share any insights along the way so you understand he is truly working through and understanding these parts of himself.

Just my opinion but you need to decide if you want a relationship or not because nobody is going to keep raking over the ashes and regretting what can't be undone forever and ever: it's demoralizing and mentally exhausting.

Eventually he'll wake up one morning and think; fuck this, I'm done with the sackcloth and ashes, I need to get a life. He may not come straight out with it but he'll breathe a sigh of relief in his own mind and start planning his departure. At that point, he'll do anything and or say anything because it doesn't really matter anymore, he's on the up escalator heading for the exit.

It'll only work if you want it to. If you don't think it can work then say so otherwise that decision will be made for you, probably sooner rather than later. Good luck.

I agree with both the above posts.

The second one hurts because it's probably true.

He won't do the work, then he'll blame me for not getting over it.

I think i recognise you OP. Did your partner work abroad for a prolonged period (on an island?) And met the affair partner who quickly became abusive?

I think you've had advice on this before. Most people said cut your losses and leave him; you're worth more. I don't think that has changed. He wants things to be "OK" on his terms. He wants not to take the blame, not really. He doesn't want to do the work. He wants you just to zip it and be sweet and indulge him

No, we met at university and got jobs in different places. Probably was a terrible idea to stay together with hindsight, but we both had ambitions and I thought things were solid and we had an endgame.

@Belie I'm reconciled. Nothing you’re experiencing is unusual, the shame from the cheat is common as is the refusal to talk about it, the grief inevitable, the healing time is 2-5 years so you really are barely breaking through the first part of this roller coaster. Your husband is clearly failing at making you feel safe but for this reconciliation to work he has to start listening to your needs. It is unacceptable for him to be expecting you to reconcile without his full engagement even if that means him digging deep and doing ‘the work’.

There is a huge different between regret and remorse, which you need to unpick: regret is not enough to successfully repair and rebuild trust.

Please can I point you in the direction of the surviving infidelity website and their ‘reconciliation’ board. There are some absolutely amazing and truly wise posters on there who can really support you in moving forward. They offer ongoing support which is so needed. They will be able to offer insight into how to move forward.

Good luck

I read this (will pop link below) - not sure if you have come across it before but this site is worth visiting. It is certainly non judgemental."If there is to be reconciliation where there has been betrayal, then the one who's been betrayed ultimately pays the cost for the betrayal.Love isn't about trying to get the offending party to pay, though it would be understandable to want that.It's about a willingness to cover a debt, quite frankly, that they could never, in fact, pay back. (That's not to say the injuring party shouldn't do everything within their power to help the injured mate heal. There's just no amount of penance the injuring spouse can pay for their failure to love.) They can, however, display brokenness, contrition, and humility in their approach to recovery and cautiously move forward.They can also take charge of their own recovery and mental health, which speaks volumes of empathy to the betrayed spouse. Without such action, a wayward spouse will be hard-pressed to make a case that they are truly sorry for their choices and impact upon their lives.Please don't think I'm saying that love recklessly reconciles with someone who is unsafe, hard-hearted, or unwilling to own what they've done.Love, true love, always acts in the best interest of another."Instead of dwelling on what happened 2 years ago OP, ask yourself if your love for your husband is still strong enough to cover that debt. If it is, move on positively in good grace to forge a new stronger marriage, if not, then then leave and see if that brings the peace and closure you so desperately desire.www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp

Not sure where the paragraphs disappeared to on last comment. Apologies if it makes hard reading. 🙄

OP, you write so eloquently, and have such self-awareness, it seems to me that you will figure this out by yourself, after a time.

I would imagine that one of the things you are struggling with is that your reality has shifted. The way you view the world has changed, and this change has been brought about because of someone else's actions. I would guess that the world seems more grey than it did?

I am sure your relationship with the world will be restored after a time. Because of his choices, this is now just something you have to go through. It's not fair, of course it is completely unjust. Acceptance is key here, I think? In modern terms 'shit happens' and what doesn't kills us makes us stronger.

You keep reporting that he has a very good grasp of how HE feels and what HE wants. He is describing what HE is missing and yet is unable or unwilling to be accountable for you in this manner.
Frankly, his guilt is HIS problem, and not something you have caused. It is a direct result of his behaviour and it is supposed to feel bad. His shame is also not something you have caused. He did that too. People WILL judge him for cheating on you and that is something that he will have to learn to deal with.
No matter how much you love him, your rose-coloured glasses have been removed and crushed by his actions and he hasn’t really done anything to get you a new pair.

The reason he doesn’t want to open up is the shame he’s feeling. He has resigned himself to just being a bad person forever, that’s his self punishment and he’s moping around in all this shame and hoping you can make him feel better, if he can just convince you to love him back into not seeing him in this light..

The reason you are so angry and sad is that he is acting like a victim and not really taking true accountability. And this is exactly why he had an affair. He doesn’t really want to admit to himself and do the work that he’s weak and selfish and he didn’t think about you at the time. His actions are somewhat self destructive as well as destructive to you, which is sad for him, but this isn’t your issue as you didn’t destroy anything. If he doesn’t change anything then he is still a weak willed and selfish person isn’t he? This is the risk he will do it again.

The affair has exposed a part of his personality that you do not like that is self serving and full of self pity and that’s why you are not able to move past it. You don’t like this new/hidden version him or the way he is acting. You have a solid sense of self and he doesn’t so he is relying on you to lead you both through this and our the other end, like a mother would with a child.

I have been in this position OP and with someone who whilst initially was very upset and regretful soon moved onto the 'not to be brought up or mentioned' because it made him feel really shitty and he felt shitty enough as it was. In my case it was something that had happened 10 years prior but it felt as if it was yesterday when I discovered it. 6 years on I have learnt to live with it. I will never look at him the same as I once did and I'm afraid he has to accept that as part of the deal. That trust went out the window . I am 60 now and whilst I don't feel the same, I'm not sure I would feel spectacularly happy again on my own- I do reserve the mental right to move on though at a point that suits me if needs be. You may well never look at him the same way and he I'm afraid has to suck that up if you stay together. Sometimes no amount of work or discussion can make you feel 100% again. You have to decide if looking at the positives if 85% is enough for you and so does he. You don't have to forgive and forget, you have to kind of compartmentalise it as a crappy thing thing they once did. I'm very sceptical of people who move forward with great ease- I guess it depends maybe on the amount of deep love and trust that was there in the first place. I think those of us who felt we had deep and trusting love feel well and truly shat on and hence why we find it hard to ever get back to that level again.