Recovery from infidelity

[Belie]

It's been a while now, and it still hurts so much. I think a lot about whether to stay or go.

I love my partner still. Perhaps not in the same way as his actions made me lose trust and respect.

I think there was a window where he could have done certain things; mostly related to looking deep inside for the answers we probably both needed as to why.

He wasn't up to it. He tried. He is obviously remorseful but i don't honestly feel he learned all that much.

I stopped being angry. Now I am just sad. Not constantly, but a lot. I find it hard to be excited or happy about the future.

I wish this had never happened to me.

I know he really wishes the same.

Still, probably 2 years on and I still don't really understand how or why.

In our daily life, he freaks out if I'm sad or hurt or even uncomfortable. He'll run home from work to hold a sick bucket if I'm ill. I think if anyone ever harmed me, he'd do heaven knows what.

So it still makes no sense really to me that he put me in the way of so much harm, over and over.

For what?

I don't say this from jealousy, but the woman was objectively not a good person. She was a lot older, she was very cruel, she behaved I ways I know he abhors. Yet somehow she flattered him and met some emotional needs and he formed this attachment.

If it was so easy for him to do that with this awful person, what happens when someone lovely or young or pretty or truly great comes along?

I don't really understand why. I do on the surface (I was away for a year, he was lonely, she was there and he was selfish)

But that still doesn't really explain WHY

Because given all those circumstances, I'd be incapable of doing or even wanting to do that.

He tells me he loves me and has only ever loved me. I don't really know what that even means.

I just don't know how to stop feeling sad. And if I leave, I doubt I'll stop feeling sad then either.

Can anyone who's been through this talk to me. I just feel completely alone.

I can't talk to him anymore. My pain is always hijacked by his shame and sense of inadequacy.

He says all he wants is for me to look at him like I used to do.

I can't figure out how to send a private message but if you message me, @Belie I can recommend something that might help.

Thank you everybody for replying. A lot of this was really helpful. I'll reply to everyone as they kindly took time to reply to me

@cornflakegirll thank you for letting me know this is normal. I feel at times like it must be completely abnormal to hurt this much for this long

@ratherperplexed I read your post several times. Thank you. This helps me understand 'how this works'. It's a debt I ultimately have to pay. That makes sense.

Yes. I still love him enough. I think we're not doing well and I'm not sure what to do, but I do still love him enough to pay the debt.

@cheminaufaules this is all very true. I don't know how to explain it better, but the world has become a stranger. I probably am wrestling with acceptance. With the gift of time, I see I've worked through stages of grief - denial, bargaining and so on. The anger almost killed me. Acceptance comes one day I think. I'm not there yet. I still quite literally find myself screaming in tears asking absolutely no one why someone didn't protect me from this. That might sound dramatic. I've experienced a life with some big hurts and challenges but this one just shook me differently.

@Fraaahnces Yes. The thing is, what I learned over these last few years (and it was a bitter pill), is that largely speaking; people who cheat on their partners ARE very bloody good at thinking about what THEY feel and THEY want and they're a lot less good at thinking about others.

It's just the sad truth of it. Even if they're massively sorry, I think it's probably a long road to change that.

@Menora every word of that post was true. I think you've described exactly how he feels. You're right in saying it's destructive to us both. I'm not saying he's not repentant and remorseful because he is; but he doesn't want to face the shame, so I think we're not able to move forward. Which is sad for us.

It’s not enough to just love you and feel sorry. And you aren’t being cruel to feel that way. You aren’t being mean to him to have these expectations. But you can’t control what he does, and this is why it’s your decision whether to keep trying to make this work or get from him what he can’t seem to give you

Hi Belie

So sorry that you are in this situation. Have you come across the site Chump Lady? Do you feel that Esther Perel's view on infidelity as (paraphrasing as can't remember exact phrase) "an exuberant act of self-expression" is one you agree with? You seem to be struggling with accepting your partner's transgression - perhaps that is because you don't find his behaviour acceptable?