I think I need to leave

[Breakingpoint22]

Have nowhere else to turn but here and now feel like I’m cracking up from pretending everything is fine

DH and I married for nearly 5 years & together for 13 (childhood sweethearts) and now have 2 young DCs

Have been together since school, I decided not to go to uni or anywhere far because of our relationship, not wanting to leave him and him the same for me. Both got jobs young and have worked ever since. Are first and only relationship experiences for each other.
Had issues in the past with DH in early 20s with online infidelity, him not being sure if he wanted to be as serious with me as I was him etc - came to blows and he has been dedicated to me ever since and trying to show me how committed he is.
I never really recovered after finding out but carried on regardless, feeling numb and seeking treatment for anxiety and depression and ignoring the feeling we should have called it quits then.
Ever since, I have felt totally unimportant and like there is nothing anyone would want in me. Something I struggled with anyway/was abandoned by father as a child with no answers and mum was depressed growing up so have struggled with the whole thing since. It has also given me a fear of being on my own despite actually preferring my own company when my mum doesn’t like her own anyway.

Did tell him how I felt at the time but he talked me out of it. We have since fallen into the same cycle of me saying I’m not happy etc, he will talk me out if it and we’ll be good for a while, the feelings die down but have repeatedly come back and now it’s worse and worse every time and last longer and longer

This sounds terrible but I need to say it. On our wedding morning I wanted to call it off, didn’t feel happy walking down the aisle and couldn’t look at him during the ceremony. I felt like I’d betrayed myself.
I hate looking at our wedding photos even now because I can see how unhappy I am.
we spent a fortune on it as well

we now have 2 DCs - I love them dearly but I now really feel dread and panic that I am getting further and further into a situation I cannot get out of. I’ve passed all my chances of recovering a life for myself without him and who would want me now. My body is ruined and I have 2 small children. No money, work part time in a shop for now and just feel generally worthless

I don’t hardly feel like I can be myself with my husband at all, he’s more like a good friend. My soul feels starved. Our bedroom life is non-existent and the last time we tried to have sex, I ended up hysterically telling him to stop and bursting into tears because it felt so unconnected and awful.
im not attracted to him anymore but love him as a friend and a dad of my kids. He’s an amazing dad, very devoted, very loving but I don’t feel anything anymore.
I feel ungrateful, he provides well, he does his best for us and I feel like I just am throwing it back in his face.

I’m feel like I’m not going to find better and I have got the best I’ll get so tough if I don’t like it.
but these thoughts are erroding me inside.

he is very anxious and needy, obviously knowing I’m not happy. He would never leave and just tries to carry on and hope I’ll get happier.

i tend to bottle things up and then make erratic decisions sometimes because it’s too much and I worry this would be one of them that I can’t take back.

he is currently away for work, I am at my mums with my kids and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I can relax and enjoy my evenings again despite him not actually stopping me when he’s home. I just can’t relax at home and always feel tense and like I don’t want to even wash my hair or paint my nails or do anything enjoyable. We just watch TV and go to bed and I stay up after him to relax but therefore never get much sleep which affects the day etc

I know this all sounds obvious and awful but it’s been years of getting worse in my head, I don’t feel I can open up to friends or family as they have a different impression. I don’t feel like I can be honest with anyone and it’s very lonely and enormously depression and desperate now.

not really sure what I am looking for here either, just needed an anonymous venting place I guess

Thing is, this is eating you away inside and isn't going to go away.
You need to break the cycle of this misery. Life's too short, honestly.
You can't make yourself love someone. He deserves to be happy with someone who does love him, just as you deserve to be happy too.
And your kids will be happy as long as you are .

You need to leave.

The idea of leaving him really breaks my heart, we’ve grown up together and I do love him. Just not romantically anymore.
I don’t want to hurt him and I feel like we could probably bumble along and maybe things would work out when the kids are older and less stressful. Is this not what marriage is all about?

he is quite an anxious/sensitive/vulnerable person and in the past has threatened to end his life if I leave and says how it would destroy him. The idea of doing that to him really upsets me

How can I leave when my life would be so hard financially etc without him. He helps with the kids so much, I’d be losing that.
his family are like my family. I don’t have much of my own, he has a huge one.

I literally don’t know life without him. The idea is frankly, terrifying. I think I’d regret it. It’s so hard.

This is the problem, I just bottle it up because it’s so scary and I can’t decide what’s for the best for me and the kids. They adore him. How can I ruin that for them? Aren’t they the most important thing now? I’m sure I could bury it again. Maybe if we just became platonic friends it would eventually be a decision we both come to.
The support is so limited, I feel I’d be heavily judged if I ended it with no good reason.

but then I think how sad I am inside, sometimes I wish I’d just get a bad illness or something and need to go to hospital just to get away from the agony of it. But these phases don’t last forever. But they are getting more frequent and longer and much harder to ignore or dismiss now. I couldn’t live like it permanently

my mum is my only support really and she says how impossible it was to raise kids as a poor, single parent and how good I have it all the time. She’d think I was completely mad to leave.

This is all my fault for not just being honest with myself sooner tbh, I wouldn’t be so far in if I’d just broken up with him all those years ago when he was unsure too. Maybe we’d both be happy with other people or together again after more experience etc.

I just want to crawl in a hole and forget it all honestly.

It's really hard and you can't imagine how your life would be better away from him. You would be ok though. We all are. Every one of us who thought it would be the end of everything; every one of us who thought we'd miss their family who had become our family; every one of us who wondered how we'd cope financially... we were all OK.

The way you are feeling now is no way to live a life and it will only get worse as you feel the years slipping away from you.

It's not an easy decision though and one that can always be put off until tomorrow. And tomorrow. And tomorrow...

If you don't feel you could leave right now, what about exploring the idea of university that you didn't before? What about considering the Open University?

I went to university as a single parent and, at the time, there was a lot of financial support. Would that be worth looking into? Then, even if you stay for a bit longer, you are actively doing something and taking back control of your life.

As for his threats, that's on him. Not you.

I really think you should treat your depression before making any decisions about leaving and see how you feel once that’s under control.

Depression is well treated and under control - I know not seemingly from this post though. As a person, I am totally different than I was before and am generally positive and upbeat. Have tackled many demons/situations/feelings, except this one.

This subject is a huge dark cloud hanging over me sadly and is the only one that makes me feel like this again. It is the only one holding me in this place but I’m not sure what the answer is and I’m afraid to make a bad decision and one that isn’t only going to impact me.
I think I know I need to leave for both our happiness sake. I need to be on my own to be happy and finish dealing my own issues stemming from it all and I need to let him realise he is ok without me and build up himself without our history holding him back.

If we end up back together down the road, at least it’ll be in a better place. I don’t think we can actually help each other at the moment honestly and it’s becoming toxic and I worry for our beautiful children who would be young enough to accept the change I hope (10m and 3)

it is an absolutely terrifying truth that I can’t bare the realities of but I think it’ll be the most freeing thing I ever do, if I ever actually can.

I really feel for you op as your distress leaps from the page. Are you still seeking help for depression and anxiety? If not, I agree with the previous poster that it might be beneficial for you. And perhaps some talking therapy from a licensed psychologist?

You say you feel so worthless and unimportant and that you can’t see anything attractive about yourself and I don’t really think that you can make any serious decisions about your relationship, especially one as complicated and contradictory as you describe, when you feel so down on yourself. You need to be in a better place to do that and make rational, objective decisions for yourself and your dc.

So my advice would be to take a deep breath, take a step back, tell yourself you are going to work on your own self esteem for six months or whatever and then make a decision. And tell your dh you need a time out too. Take the pressure off both of you and get some outside psychological support. You will then be in a better place to determine how you want your future be. It’s never good to make serious decisions like this in a context of self doubt, panic and fear.

Sorry, x posts op. In that case, reading your update, you need support to leave. Not support in making the decision? Apologies if I misinterpreted your posts.

In that case, you need to feel the fear and do it anyway! Good luck to you.

You felt like this before marriage when you had no ties, but didn't leave then, even after online infidelity (whatever that intailed, it's a vague description). Realistically, it's unlikely you're going to leave now with more reasons to bind you.
What's the toxic element to your relationship? You say he's a good father, also that he doesn't interfere with what you want to do of an evening, but you just don't like him being around - so that's a thought process as opposed to him behaving negatively.
Like you say, you've grown up together, done everything together. It's about time you did stuff for you. I think you'd be better off building up to independence, rather than saying the words repeatedly but taking no action. Although it seems a good idea to leave in your head, the fear of it is paralysing you - with good reason, it will be hard, you will be harder up. Prepare for more independence in the future, perhaps by getting back into further education and training so you can better support yourself. Take up hobbies, do things for you, have a life outside of everything. These things are less scary and doable and are valid steps in the right direction. It will be better all round for you and the children if you practically work your way up to independence rather than just leaving without a plan - unless there is abuse, but you don't describe him as abusive.

I think you need to have an open and frank discussion with each other, how is he feeling, a lot of what you feel he may echo, or at least understand, You've been together so long, you have become platonic friends rather than romantic partners and this is probably the reason for so many break ups - or shifts in relationship dynamics. If possible, couples counselling may help you BOTH decide whats the happiest solution long term rather than just leaving with no back up plan which will be a shock to you and all involved. Are you able to access any couples counselling? Are you able to sit down and discuss how you feel and see how he feels, if this has been going on for years and sex makes you cry then really a long chat is overdue. You could make two separate happy homes over time rather than one very unhappy one, I think the former would be better for your kids in the long term but you do need support and to communicate with your partner over your feelings which amount to a level of depression. Its not your fault at all, nor his. It's part of the struggle of long term relationships. However, how you separate ( if you do) is important, this is the best way to protect all involved. Also, please dont say your body is ruined! this is an awful low self esteem self view, you've had 2 children and you don't need to play into society's nonsense about how women 'should' look, try to be fit and healthy and physically thats what counts in that department.

He’s not abusive at all. Maybe a bit smothering and in some cases a bit emotionally controlling but definitely not abusive. I can’t say anything bad about him, he is very loving of us all

I just worry he clings to me as I’m all he knows and he has no life outside of us anymore either. His friends have moved on and he doesn’t seem to have made many through work etc. He has no interest whatsoever in pursuing anything really either. He is quite into sport but I think the children are taking precedent at the moment despite me trying to encourage it more.

I was surprised and pleased he suggested he go on his current work trip as it is something he wouldn’t normally consider. I’m hoping he can relax and enjoy it while he is there.

I do find his behaviour smothering - he has a tendency to batter me with texts or phone calls if I ever go out/go to work wanting to know when I’ll be home and if I’m ok, he wants to spend every second with me at all times and will constantly tell me how much he misses me even when he’s just working (he now works from home constantly out of choice), set up a home gym so he doesn’t need to go there, never considers a night out with friends etc. I do feel on edge that I’m on a “timer” before he starts up with all the texting etc and I’m out, even at the supermarket/shops etc. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered with the hassle so don’t bother doing anything.
If I don’t answer the calls/texts, he’s there waiting for me when I get back and I absolutely dread his over the top reaction. He never understands my point of view whenever I talk to him about how it is too much.
he usually tells me I’m being “over the top” about it so I just don’t bother and usually answer to avoid it.
Things like this kill all feeling for him inside me.

I am the kind of person that has always needed my own space mentally and he is the complete opposite. We have both always been like that, he is aware of this in me but he regularly seems disappointed if I won’t let him cling to me like a limpet or go to bed with him etc. I can’t even go in the garden without him coming out to tell me he misses me.
when we were younger, I enjoyed cuddling more but I can’t stand it for too long now and can’t pretend, especially when I feel all “touched out” after a day being climbed on by the kids. He doesn’t seem to understand this and rightly probably feels a bit pushed out by the kids replacing his space for affection. I am aware of this and have tried to push through it but now am quite resentful and I don’t feel like I’m being true to myself

Its not abusive as such but its not healthy either and it is quite controlling. Humans are social, we need friends and outside interests, not just cabin fever from someone totally smothering us, its claustrophobic. Would he resent you having more of an outside life? I do understand if you have kids needing lots of attention, then your partner also needing so much attention all the time from you is exhausting, almost like you're administering another child's needs rather than having an independent adult's company. Im no expert but I cant imagine this is good for either of you emotionally. I can't advise beyond what I think a counsellor would say, ie "communication" is key. You both need to articulate whats going on in your life and in your marriage, so you can be a bit more objective about it. I really wish you luck in navigating this tricky time.

Constantly demanding your time and attention is controlling because he isn't allowing you space to be you and have your own life.

Pennith I think he would be supportive initially if I mentioned it, especially if he thought it would make me want to stay together and feel happy. I think it would wear thin after a while and would probably make him resentful, especially as I work in the evenings.
I think he would question why I can’t do more with him and would see it as a move for me to step away and build my own life - rather than as a healthy and positive thing for me. I’d also feel uncomfortable and like I owed him one every time.
it definitely isn’t healthy for either of us, he doesn’t seem to see it agree that it’s much of an issue despite it being a topic we discuss (argue) about a lot. The message never seems to sink in really and that’s why I feel so desperate now.
I honestly feel like it will carry on forever unless I do something drastic at this point.

I have suggested couples counselling to him, he was very upset at the suggestion and kept asking me why we need it when he thinks things are fine. He then spent the next few days in a tailspin of stress, repeatedly telling me how stressed he was and how’s he’s at his limit. I didn’t feel like I could bring it up at this time then.
When I found some services online later that week, they were very expensive. I suggested them to him when he was a bit calmer and he was very noncommittal and then spent the night not sleeping and was extremely stressed again (huffing, shouty, pulling his hair, withdrawn, banging, short tempered, tense) and said it was affecting his work.
we haven’t talked about it since and he has never mentioned it again.

he doesn’t seem to want to make any changes at all and would much rather carry on as we are, hoping it will just go away and I’ll be alright in the end without making any effort to do anything about what I’ve asked him multiple times.
he says he’s got too much on and can’t handle change at the moment because it’ll tip him over the edge

he has recently had treatment for his anxiety etc and it seemed to help as long as I don’t rock the boat too much in bringing up difficult subjects.

too comfortable in our long term relationship I often think. I also think he needs me far more than I need him.

Absolutely this ^

Thanks, I have had treatment actually - as I said above, it’s only really this subject that makes me feel so depressed anymore, honestly

I think you should leave.

What's your housing situation. Rented or mortgage?
He sounds very controlling and actually abusive to me. He's literally training you to not go out or have a life because of his reaction.

You clearly don't want to be with him and freaked at him initiating sex as you don't want it and have "the ick". Just leave. There's never a good time. It's only going to get harder as your children get older. Move now before schools and friends are too much of an issue.

Ring Womens Aid from work and have a chat to them. Honestly. Go to a shelter, get some emergency accommodation or to your Mums etc.

He is controlling, which to my mind is abusive. Texting/calling you constantly and wanting to spend every minute with you is not normal, he is suffocating you. If you want out, do it, or you’ll be stuck forever more. Is this what you want? I’d go nuts.

I know his behaviour is not normal and I’m exhausted with it all. It’s all I know, really. I don’t have a clue how to up end my life and start all over again with 2 small children who need stability. I wouldn’t know where to live/furniture etc, I wouldn’t know how to get money, I wouldn’t know how to share the kids.
I am going nuts actually, I really think I am cracking up finally. My mind has forced all of this realisation on me.

I am not actively depressed but it is a depressing situation.
Especially to consider being unhappy like this for the rest of my life if I can’t bring myself to face it and go.
How will I know it’s not another mistake? What if I regret it? What if he meets someone else, has another family and my DC are left out? All because I couldn’t just suck this up and get on with it.

I do feel on edge that I’m on a “timer” before he starts up with all the texting etc and I’m out, even at the supermarket/shops etc. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered with the hassle so don’t bother doing anything

If I don’t answer the calls/texts, he’s there waiting for me when I get back and I absolutely dread his over the top reaction

he has recently had treatment for his anxiety etc and it seemed to help as long as I don’t rock the boat too much

Op please read what you have typed here in black and white!

You know what you have to do. This is coercive control.

It doesn't matter whether the source is anxiety rather than say jealousy. The result is the same! You are not even able to visit the supermarket without him causing you stress. Have you ever heard of "the tyrant of the weak"? This is serious!

And you are worried about him having another family in the event of you leaving? Rather than worry about an unknown, why are you not worrying about the current and very real situation you and the DC are in right now and what your dc are learning about unhealthy relationships! Please get some outside support and advice from women's aid and read up on coercive control.

Why not use his work trip to get organised with all the information you need to leave, all the documents and essentials and get some rl support and legal advice and physically move out? I am actually quite concerned for you BC I don't think you realise the potential danger you are in. I know you say he is never violent, but if you can't go to the shops without him texting you endlessly, how is he going to react when you leave and take the DC with you?

Can you explain to your parents that he is controlling you in this way and go and move in with them for a while? Imho you need to be with others when you leave as this can be a volatile time for people who practice coercive control.

In this document www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship one of the elements of coercive control is described as:

"Taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, what to wear and when they can sleep"

Wake up op! Sorry, but he is not going to suddenly change is he?

Thanks Farmer - very eye opening. Have used your resources, got some good info and do feel a bit more informed now. I can see the pattern of behaviour more clearly now too

Wondering what he’ll be like once he’s back from the work trip - the distance will probably do it some good initially but dreading his reaction and really not sure how to approach the whole subject with him. It’s going to be coming out of the blue and he’s going to be very upset

It’s difficult with the control because he doesn’t tell me what to wear/who to see/control the money really/stop me seeking medical help or anything - it’s hard for me to see it as abusive and it sounds extreme. His behaviour is toxic and has worn me right down to a shell of myself though.

have spoken to mum about moving in with DCs for a while - she has just accepted a new lodger and is upset I didn’t tell her sooner because she would have had us instead. Lodger there until spring.
Would now have to rent flat? Have no idea what to do or how I’d afford it. Where do people go? Seeking women’s refuge is too extreme.

Look at rental prices nearby. Check what benefits you would be entitled to - would your ex pay child maintenance? Go from there ….
really just start the process one step at a time xx

I suggested them to him when he was a bit calmer and he was very noncommittal and then spent the night not sleeping and was extremely stressed again (huffing, shouty, pulling his hair, withdrawn, banging, short tempered, tense) and said it was affecting his work.

This is abusive, because it stops you seeking the support your marriage needs and makes you drop the subject of how unhappy you are. Threatening suicide if you leave is emotionally abusive because it stops you leaving a relationship you don’t want to be in. He doesn’t need to stop you seeing friends or doing things, he just needs to stop you from leaving.

You stay due to the fear of the unknown. I broke up with my kids dad after 9 years. We weren't having intercourse or any sort of intimacy anymore. I wentninto another relationship/connection for 18 months. He was abusive. It made me sad and miserable. I still get on great with the kids dad. But I dont see him as a sexual partner at all. It makes me sad. Like you. But it wasn't right

The problem is you've outgrown one another but your so scared of letting someone go who's constantly been there. You don't know how to be alone or not around him as he's your first and only.

In terms of how you feel about the online betrayel. Welcome to the world of most women. Most have been there. It's as common as dog muck. It's shitty, it sucks but social media brought along with it some very negative cons. One of them was emotional affairs! It's like a pandemic and it has killed of millions of relationships no doubt!

The only way out of this for you is to be honest and do exactly what you need to do and that's move forward and end the relationship..

Perhaps your Mum could give her lodger notice and help them find elsewhere?