I think I need to leave

[Breakingpoint22]

Have nowhere else to turn but here and now feel like I’m cracking up from pretending everything is fine

DH and I married for nearly 5 years & together for 13 (childhood sweethearts) and now have 2 young DCs

Have been together since school, I decided not to go to uni or anywhere far because of our relationship, not wanting to leave him and him the same for me. Both got jobs young and have worked ever since. Are first and only relationship experiences for each other.
Had issues in the past with DH in early 20s with online infidelity, him not being sure if he wanted to be as serious with me as I was him etc - came to blows and he has been dedicated to me ever since and trying to show me how committed he is.
I never really recovered after finding out but carried on regardless, feeling numb and seeking treatment for anxiety and depression and ignoring the feeling we should have called it quits then.
Ever since, I have felt totally unimportant and like there is nothing anyone would want in me. Something I struggled with anyway/was abandoned by father as a child with no answers and mum was depressed growing up so have struggled with the whole thing since. It has also given me a fear of being on my own despite actually preferring my own company when my mum doesn’t like her own anyway.

Did tell him how I felt at the time but he talked me out of it. We have since fallen into the same cycle of me saying I’m not happy etc, he will talk me out if it and we’ll be good for a while, the feelings die down but have repeatedly come back and now it’s worse and worse every time and last longer and longer

This sounds terrible but I need to say it. On our wedding morning I wanted to call it off, didn’t feel happy walking down the aisle and couldn’t look at him during the ceremony. I felt like I’d betrayed myself.
I hate looking at our wedding photos even now because I can see how unhappy I am.
we spent a fortune on it as well

we now have 2 DCs - I love them dearly but I now really feel dread and panic that I am getting further and further into a situation I cannot get out of. I’ve passed all my chances of recovering a life for myself without him and who would want me now. My body is ruined and I have 2 small children. No money, work part time in a shop for now and just feel generally worthless

I don’t hardly feel like I can be myself with my husband at all, he’s more like a good friend. My soul feels starved. Our bedroom life is non-existent and the last time we tried to have sex, I ended up hysterically telling him to stop and bursting into tears because it felt so unconnected and awful.
im not attracted to him anymore but love him as a friend and a dad of my kids. He’s an amazing dad, very devoted, very loving but I don’t feel anything anymore.
I feel ungrateful, he provides well, he does his best for us and I feel like I just am throwing it back in his face.

I’m feel like I’m not going to find better and I have got the best I’ll get so tough if I don’t like it.
but these thoughts are erroding me inside.

he is very anxious and needy, obviously knowing I’m not happy. He would never leave and just tries to carry on and hope I’ll get happier.

i tend to bottle things up and then make erratic decisions sometimes because it’s too much and I worry this would be one of them that I can’t take back.

he is currently away for work, I am at my mums with my kids and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I can relax and enjoy my evenings again despite him not actually stopping me when he’s home. I just can’t relax at home and always feel tense and like I don’t want to even wash my hair or paint my nails or do anything enjoyable. We just watch TV and go to bed and I stay up after him to relax but therefore never get much sleep which affects the day etc

I know this all sounds obvious and awful but it’s been years of getting worse in my head, I don’t feel I can open up to friends or family as they have a different impression. I don’t feel like I can be honest with anyone and it’s very lonely and enormously depression and desperate now.

not really sure what I am looking for here either, just needed an anonymous venting place I guess

Painful and true Cakey, sorry you’ve been through it too. I think you’re probably right about the death of many relationships due to internet infidelity. It’s far too accessible and anonymous. DH was clumsy, naive and stupid with it but could easily hide it better now he knows how I found out (really don’t want to go into it too much, too much to share on MN)
I can’t help feeling there was probably more than what I found but sadly I’ll never know and he will never be able to truly convince me otherwise; the trust is totally gone.
I’m always hopeful we might move past it with counselling and am still hopeful he would agree to try it with me if I moved out and seemed serious about leaving. Feel like it’s worth a shot at least.

I’ve been considering trial separation to give us both much needed alone time to miss each other, have counselling to repair things and give us both the space to work on ourselves. I’m worried my lack of trust is only going to be made worse by it though as him being unfaithful was instantly the first thing I thought it would give him space to do. I’d never know if he did or didn’t. Not sure what to think really.
Also so worried about effect of it on DC, moving in with mum would be much better for them in that respect as they adore her and she spoils and makes a huge fuss of them, always.

I do like the idea of renting my own place at the same time and am going to look into this and see if it’s financially viable if DH gets on-board with it all and we can split finances for a period of time to cover it all. I’ll never be able to afford to rent on my own without his support.

Jelly thank you, that makes it much clearer indeed. I can see where you’re coming from and agree entirely.