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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gross Behaviour around eating

81 replies

Disco2022 · 27/09/2022 06:17

I've just come out of a week of having Covid/my period and generally feeling rough so I am more than willing to be told to pipe down.

So my boyfriend just moved in, I always knew he made noise when he ate/drank but since it is at every meal and in my space it feels like such a big deal, in fact he just seems to make noise and take up space in everything that he does.

I'm no silent little fairy floating round the house and I've had my fair share of hacking/sneezing in the last week but just want to know should I have a conversation about the following:

(Should add in the caveat that I love him and don't want to leave him over what I can only assume are gross habits developed over years of being alone)

  • Tea slurping
  • cold drinking slurping
  • eats so fast it's like he's a Dickensian street child
  • wipes his mouth on the back of his hands.
-CLATTERS his cutlery all over his plate (I heard him eating his weetabix when I was in the shower yesterday)
  • blowing nose at the table

Anyway since I've started writing this I could go on. It's making me really sad. I can't just ignore this forever, I don't want to have to remind him not to eat like a monster because that's unsexy.

What is the answer?

OP posts:
WilsonMilson · 27/09/2022 10:10

This would give me the ick, and once you have the ick there really is no going back.

Dreikanter · 27/09/2022 10:28

I too have a DH that I have to constantly remind that “a spoon is not a percussion instrument”.

30 years in, I’m menopausal and frequently dream of a new patio.

AWOL66 · 27/09/2022 10:28

picklemewalnuts · 27/09/2022 08:20

It won't work. It gets worse with age, not better. Believe it or not, he's likely to be dialling it back a touch at the moment. My DH is getting less inhibited with every passing year, and I thought he was not self conscious when we started.

Honestly, he's not going to change. Your DC will either copy him or be as irritated with him as you are!

Picklemewalnuts I love this comment! I love that you think he's actually scaling it back and that your husband is letting more and more foibles out of their little hiding place year by year! 😄 😂

I had a male friend who ate in the most shocking way, licking the fork frequently whilst muttering "delicious", he looked like a pig hunting for truffles on his plate, saying "Mmmm" throughout almost sexually completely preoccupied by his food.

I've never met him again since a meal we had out.
It wasn't the only reason but I felt like I could tolerate all kinds of quirks from a person but this was just too much like it didn't make sense to be friends with someone who grossed me out that much!

I would say something in a straight talking kind of way when he is actually doing it but be sure to also mention really positive things when you see them too so he feels you're not constantly looking down on him or seeing him as always at fault.
I mean I'd probably snap and say it in the worse possible way but that's my own bad quirk! haha

Penguinsaregreat · 27/09/2022 12:58

If you are serious about him I would say something.
Dh has got worse, loudly chomping on his food. Before we married and were dating he did not eat like this. I can let most of it go but sometimes I will just say to him “Could you make any more noise?” And it does make him more aware and he knows I’m irritated which is not a good thing.
Things like this grind you down. You will see/hear him constantly. Tell him and if he doesn’t reign it in then tell him it’s making you find him unattractive.

user6363 · 27/09/2022 16:57

My ex used to eat seemingly by mashing the food against the roof of his mouth with his tongue. I could not cope with it. I asked and asked because I really felt it was objectively loud and because he visibly ate with his mouth open and smacked his lips constantly. I just wanted him to show a bit of consideration and eat with his mouth closed. He was like, “I can eat how I want in my own home.”

Not a big reason he’s an ex but I used to want to murder him. YANBU.

balalake · 27/09/2022 17:43

If he is not willing to change his behaviour in any way (first on my list would be leaving the table to blow his nose elsewhere), then you need to consider ending the relationship.

Poppchipps · 27/09/2022 19:17

No advice unfortunately because I'm in the same boat myself with my husband.

Gulping cold drinks - it's absolutely gross.
Ridiculously loud crunching and crunching for ages. No need.

Eating tacos with him is not fun.

I've spoken to him about it, but apparently it's normal and I'm the weird one.

Goawaygreta · 27/09/2022 19:52

user6363 · 27/09/2022 16:57

My ex used to eat seemingly by mashing the food against the roof of his mouth with his tongue. I could not cope with it. I asked and asked because I really felt it was objectively loud and because he visibly ate with his mouth open and smacked his lips constantly. I just wanted him to show a bit of consideration and eat with his mouth closed. He was like, “I can eat how I want in my own home.”

Not a big reason he’s an ex but I used to want to murder him. YANBU.

This is exactly what my DP says.its his own house eat how he wants.

TheLongGallery · 27/09/2022 20:12

@BadNomad Your very succinct words made me actually laugh after a very gruelling day. Thanks.

TheLongGallery · 27/09/2022 20:27

My DH is fine apart from the fact he licks his fingers sometimes. He used to put too much in his mouth when we were first together. I told him he looked like a python dislocating his jaw trying to swallow a baby goat and he could Fuck off if he ate like that.

Original poster
Disco2022 · 27/09/2022 21:46

@BadNomad you win the comments. Eating with their mouths Grin.
Yeah in reply to everyone I did eat with him many a time before this is just now it's starting to make me want to murder him. It's like it's amplified. And I'm aware that I am stressed from illness /work etc, so I'm slightly second guessing my reactions.
I think he would be ok if I mentioned it. I probably will. I mean faced with a choice of eating a bit quieter or a lifetime alone he should plump for the former.

OP posts:
TwoMonthsOff · 27/09/2022 21:53

‘Wiping mouth with hand’ - that is so horrible 🤢🤢I could never forgive that personally. As they say on MN you have the ‘ick’ and it happened real quick ….

Nanny0gg · 28/09/2022 00:15

Disco2022 · 27/09/2022 07:00

Yeah shared meals before he moved in, and have "lightly" told him before that he eats like a monster. It just didn't drive me to want to murder him before it was all the time.

Do you ever actually eat in a restaurant with him? Envy

Blueberrywitch · 28/09/2022 21:06

My DP picked up bad eating habits during lockdowns of eating all dinners on the couch watching Netflix. I just shamed him. And he insisted he was eating properly so then I ate exactly now he ate (mouth open etc) and he was able to see that it was gross to watch/hear.

he is better now.

but I still slightly have the ick as as you say, it’s not sexy having to be someone’s mother. The ick is fading with time but it’s a risky approach to bring it up.

billy1966 · 28/09/2022 21:15

Not only could I not live with this, there is no way I could suffer the mortification of being the partner of someone who ate like that.

Quite happy to be called shallow but there is no way I could sit among other people and have them witness it and know EXACTLY what they must be thinking.

Table manners are hugely important.
They don't have to be perfect, just not draw attention by their absence.

Mojoj · 28/09/2022 21:19

I'm sorry but no, just no. That sounds beyond disgusting. Tell him. You can't be the only one who's noticed he eats like a pig, surely?

chelle0 · 28/09/2022 21:21

Tell him!! If you carry on like that, I will poke your eyes out with a blunt pencil. When my husband makes noises I can't stand, I give him the evil eye now and he stops. We play music while we eat which helps.

Mr nextdoor's coughing on the other hand makes me so bloody angry and I can't tell him to shut the fuck up!!

SleepingAgent · 28/09/2022 21:23

BadNomad · 27/09/2022 09:16

This is why I could never live with a man full-time. They're just there, being them, annoying me with their ways, walking with their feet, eating with their mouths, breathing. Go away.

Succinctly put GrinGrinGrin

shedwithivy · 28/09/2022 21:36

BadNomad · 27/09/2022 09:16

This is why I could never live with a man full-time. They're just there, being them, annoying me with their ways, walking with their feet, eating with their mouths, breathing. Go away.

This genuinely made me snort with laughter... that is exactly what they do!!

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 28/09/2022 22:19

BadNomad · 27/09/2022 09:16

This is why I could never live with a man full-time. They're just there, being them, annoying me with their ways, walking with their feet, eating with their mouths, breathing. Go away.

Hehe, I do agree. Ah the bliss of my own home, I'm a little scared by how much I love it. I might be alone forever, oh well never mind.

Tigertigertigertiger · 29/09/2022 07:48

” I love you dearly but if you continue to make such a racket eating I’m going to have to kill you “

worked for me

SweetcornFritter · 29/09/2022 11:28

Ugh. This thread has reminded me of more reasons why I’m lucky not to be co-habiting with my STBXH.

  • biting the spoon or fork with every mouthful
  • gathering as much curry as he could in one swipe of a piece of naan and shoving it into his mouth with sauce dripping onto his shirt.
  • poking bits hanging out of his mouth back into his mouth with a finger
  • sucking each finger in turn after such a manoeuvre.
The list could go on and on.
potniatheron · 29/09/2022 16:15

Soooo....can I suggest something because there's a lot of people here telling you that noisy eating is a good reason to LTB, which I think is a bit mean...

Maybe when you had Covid, you were also making slurping noises and hacking noises that he disliked?

Maybe you're feeling a bit irritable because of your period (I know I get like that)

If the relationship is otherwise good, would it be reasonable to split up over this?

What if, at some point in the future, you get a maxillofacial injury ad also start making noises when eating - would you expect your partner to forgive you or would you think it was ok for them to get the ick and be disgusted?

Why not invite a guest over and ask them whether they notice it and it gives them the ick. A neautral benchmark is always a good idea.

movingon2022 · 29/09/2022 16:42

@potniatheron Why not invite a guest over and ask them whether they notice it and it gives them the ick. A neautral benchmark is always a good idea.

I actually totally disagree with this idea. I know that OP came here to ask for our opinion but the thing is, it does not matter what WE think or how we feel about this or anybody else, like a random guest in the house. All that matters is how SHE feels about it. OP, if this is driving you nuts you have to do something about it. First you talk to him and do not worry about how you do it, just do it and see what happens. If it continues, you will most definitely have to break up. No matter how trivial this may look to a lot of people, if it bothers YOU it will only get worse over the years, you will not get used to it.

ShreddedMarmalade · 29/09/2022 22:10

My ex, upon being presented with any type of main course, would take his fork and lightly mash the top of the food for a few seconds. Every fucking time. I once snapped and asked him why he did it and he could not provide a satisfactory answer. He was also incapable of using a knife and would cut meat with the side of his fork. And he did phlegmy swallowing sounds when eating. Made me feel murderous.

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