Gross Behaviour around eating

[Disco2022]

I've just come out of a week of having Covid/my period and generally feeling rough so I am more than willing to be told to pipe down.

So my boyfriend just moved in, I always knew he made noise when he ate/drank but since it is at every meal and in my space it feels like such a big deal, in fact he just seems to make noise and take up space in everything that he does.

I'm no silent little fairy floating round the house and I've had my fair share of hacking/sneezing in the last week but just want to know should I have a conversation about the following:

(Should add in the caveat that I love him and don't want to leave him over what I can only assume are gross habits developed over years of being alone)

• Tea slurping
• cold drinking slurping
• eats so fast it's like he's a Dickensian street child
• wipes his mouth on the back of his hands.

-CLATTERS his cutlery all over his plate (I heard him eating his weetabix when I was in the shower yesterday)

• blowing nose at the table

Anyway since I've started writing this I could go on. It's making me really sad. I can't just ignore this forever, I don't want to have to remind him not to eat like a monster because that's unsexy.

What is the answer?

OP,

Take this very very seriously.

You will quickly get the Ick for him.

Poor table manners are the death knell for many a relationship.

It is just too big.

If you insist on ignoring it you will eventually loathe him and simply not want to eat or drink anywhere near him.

Some will suggest it is a shallow position, I would counter it is just reality.

Basic silent table manners are important and many men don't have them.

I think it's telling that he isn't even making an effort after just moving in. I remember saying to Mt young adult ds once..you are eating too fast and believe me most women will hate that and he said l would never eat like that with a woman or in someone else's home!!
This from someone who grew up with lovely table manners. So it's not always the familys fault.
He got into bad habits living alone.
But l think it's bad your bf has no awareness. This will get even worse as he gets more relaxed.

@Ladybug14 I’m a bit slow… I have also learned not to be quite as good at cooking his favourite things. He’s far less enthusiastic when met with salads.

I think you have nothing to lose by a serious conversation delivered respectfully. It is not controlling to discuss things within a relationship.

Does he eat like that at e.g. a wedding or a work lunch? If not, he just needs to adjust his approach a bit.

My ex was a disgusting eater too. He would talk with his mouth full and food would spray everywhere. I used to gag at the table.

That was one of his many disgusting habits. Urgh. I could not go back to that!

My husband is such a polite eater.

I feel for you. It won't get easier. You need to tell him how you feel and get him to choose to either learn table manners or be single.

If you can put up with it until you have children then you can loudly correct them and make a big issue of table manners in front of him without direct confrontation.

When my DSis was first married (a loooong time ago) you didn't live with people prior to marriage. She found out about his disgusting eating noises with their first meal in their new home. She told him straight that she'd be eating seperately until he learned to eat like a civilised human being, and that was what happened. SHe also refused to bring him to the family home for a meal until she'd taught him his table manners.

In the end he learned to eat properly but it was a big struggle.

So essentially, he has no table manners and presumably his family don't either? I think it's a tiresome irk that will grow.

This^

Then it's be where he leaves his smelly shoes. Dirty laundry anywhere but the right place/washing machine etc etc etc......

This made me laugh 😂

I keep imagining myself with earplugs in at 90 secretly hating him.

You have just told your own future. You are getting the ick. Also, whether you realise it or not, he's a guest in your house not an equal partner. Which is what you/he thought he was - an equal partner.

That's not goading or a dig or a thread derail into equal accountability for finance etc.

I doubt it's got anything to do with him living on his own. Is this really the first time you have eaten at the same table ?

Never eaten food in public/private together when you're dating ?

My husband has always eaten like a civilised adult.

I hate it that I have a, 'thing' about table manners. God knows I wasn't brought up in Buckingham Palace, either but I now know from reading this thread that it's ok to see good table manners as a 'thing.'

Partly depends on the listener. My ex was such a polite eater that it drove me utterly bonkers as he so quietly and carefully chased the last cornflake around his bowl.

This is why I could never live with a man full-time. They're just there, being them, annoying me with their ways, walking with their feet, eating with their mouths, breathing. Go away.

There is no way I could live with such appalling table manners. How gross and how totally embarrassing if you dine with other people.

Omg OP
I feel your pain. My DP is worse and we have been together many years.
He was always a noisy eater and I vaguely remember his family joking about it.
I don't remember it ever really bothering me a support such though until recently ish.(perimenopause perhaps).
Anyway , mine does the following:
Chews really noisily, swishes food around his mouth, pushes it to the front of his mouth.
His mouth is slightly open so i can see it.

Talks while he is doing this. I deliberately make no conversation through dinner and ask Dc too as well!!! Sometimes he just speaks though.
Burps after his meal at least once, says can't help it.

The noise and vision of the eating is horrific. Telly sometimes distracts, but I'd rather not have TV on through dinner.
Uses his finger to wipe any remaining food off his plate and then slurping licks them.

I've told him.numerous times and he gets a bit annoyed and says I'm criticising him and being personal!!
DC have commented too . I've told them to please tell me if I'm noisy or do anything that's seems rude at the table and on occasion they have and I'm grateful. I'd rather know. He doesn't seem to know or care.

My stbx is an absolute horror to eat with. He just has no fucking manners, chews loudly, will eat with his hands, he gets up and goes to the toilet mid-meal, drinks left over gravy from the jug, stands up and breathes all over everything when serving himself. It's absolutely gross.

We ALWAYS have music on to at least try to drown out the chewing. It has worn me down tbh (amongst many other things).

I think you should say something, don't let it fester and get worse.

Bothering me as such**

Breathes over everything😁

Ha ha, I’m the same, apparently I walk down the high street running the full gamut of judgey, disgusted, quizzical etc faces. I suppose the good side of this is that I’m a dreadful liar. Good for other people, at least.

@Disco2022 If you just bring it up in a good natured way it shouldn’t be a problem. Communication is key! In fact, difficulty or reticence in communication would be the red flag rather than tea slurping. I think if you’ve just started living together you’ll be finding lots of other irritating things about each other in time. You need to be mindful of what’s a reasonable thing to try and correct and what to let slide.
For instance, my own DP of 20 years just LOVES to leave the tops of jars, bottles etc placed lightly back on, not screwed back on, and then they will knock said containers over, or pick them up by the lid. They’ve been doing that for 20 fucking years!! It no longer bothers me that much.
On the other hand, for the first ooh, 10-15 years of our relationship their special trick was to come into the bathroom when I was drying off from a shower, brushing my teeth, or otherwise doing something to make myself lovely and clean and fragrant, and sit down and take a big shit RIGHT THERE NEXT TO ME.
So, tea slurping is not so bad and can probably be trained out.

And to the pearl clutchers going on about table manners- I was raised in a household where we had two-three forks knives spoons each side of the plate, served from silver platters by white gloves servants, the whole table manners wet dream, and I have good table manners myself, but personally I think as long as the food goes into the mouth and remains unseen from that point onward, who gives a shit. Let people enjoy their food, your issues with disgust are yours alone.

@BadNomad
eating with their mouths 😂😂

I'm so with you on this!

Mine leaves lids off everything too!!
Oh and he sometimes doesn't use his cutlery properly either. For example, doesn't pick up his knife AT ALL. And 'cuts' his food with his fork!!!

My tribe. YES!

So many disgusting examples in this thread. Is it some “me big caveman” non-verbal statement they’re making?

For me it's a form of childishness that suggest there will be more childlike behaviour to come. I have no need to parent an adult male, thanks.

Nah you won't!!

you'll have murdered him by then! & your hearing won't be as sharp!

but honestly, how did it get to the point of him moving in? Did you never have holidays or weekends together?

without knowing either of you... I think I'd accept I was feeling ultra annoyed by things at the moment (recovering from covid etc) and not do anything too drastic. I'd drop a few hints though. 'DP you're going to break all the dishes thumping your cutlery around like that!' 'Have you not eaten today?' Oh you have? Then why are you eating like it's your first meal in a week?'

I guess that's more than a hint 😂 but I'd have to comment. If he hadn't improved by the end of, say, October, I'd have to be having the 'I love you, I love living together, but....

Do you put out napkins or serviettes with every meal? Do you sit at a table?