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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m in another horrible relationship but can’t seem to end it

28 replies

Mumtothethreeamigos · 26/09/2022 21:04

I have a history of being with emotionally abusive men. I’m currently with someone who I thought was different. He’s been jealous and controlling of me and I ended it. He’s begged for another chance and I’ve given him one but I know the signs and o know I need to end it. But somehow I can’t. I’m a professional person with my own home and a lot to give. Why can’t I just value myself and end this?

OP posts:
B1rd · 26/09/2022 21:41

Because you don't like upsetting people or you don't want people to think badly of you?
You need to end it, to give yourself the chance to meet someone who is worthy of your time.

Watchkeys · 26/09/2022 21:42

Because you weren't valued as a kid, so you learned that 'not being valued' is a familiar place to be, and being valued is weird and unfamiliar?

Original poster
Mumtothethreeamigos · 26/09/2022 21:54

Yes to all of this. But how do I find the strength to end it? What do I say? I’m such a people pleaser and he is going through a hard time. But it’s not my shit to carry. And I don’t deserve to be abused for someone else’s shit. I’ve made progress in that i can see this but I’ve realised it’s not right. That’s some growth I hope

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/09/2022 22:08

You tell him about you, rather than telling him about him. Tell him that there are things you need in a relationship that haven't been fulfilled, and it isn't working for you. That's it. He can't argue with how you feel. He can only argue if you tell him he's x/y/z, and he can defend himself. If you say 'I'm not comfortable in this relationship any more', he can't say 'Yes you are.'

And that's it. It's not a discussion, you can say that to him. It's just something you're telling him, and you're not going to talk about it any further. Let him try if he wants, just tell him over and over 'I'm not discussing this.' If he keeps trying, leave the room/house/town.

Surtsey · 26/09/2022 22:10

He is going through a hard time. That's as may be.

So are you, and he is the cause of it.

Be completely honest, which one of the two of you do you think you should put first - him, or yourself?

Pineappleskies · 26/09/2022 22:19

Can you plan some really great things to do in the next three months?

Stop seeing being alone as being scary...and see it as an opportunity. Tv shows, local places to visit, new recipes to cook, a homemakeover, a weekend break away with room service, take up something you've always wanted to learn to do (you are never too old!), expensive bubble bath, a clothes shopping trip, find a local bonfire party and invite a friend, a book splurge on Amazon, a visit to distant friends

I think to end it, you need to stop being scared of being alone.

Seaoftroubles · 26/09/2022 22:20

I agree with Watchkeys and Surtsey, tell him that it's over as the relationship isn't working for you any more. Put yourself first O.P, and then seek counselling to help you avoid repeating the same patterns in future.

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/09/2022 22:45

he is going through a hard time

That doesn’t mean he gets to use you as an emotional punchbag.

Staying in this relationship is a form of self abuse, think about that very carefully.

ReneBumsWombats · 26/09/2022 22:47

I’m such a people pleaser

This is code for "can't stand to be disliked, even by people I dislike myself". It isn't about being pleasing, it's about needing universal approval even from people you know are arseholes.

I'm nor qualified to give professional counsel on how to change it, but that's what it is. Seeing it that way may help you reframe it.

ZaphodDent · 27/09/2022 01:57

You have one life and we don't get that many years. You will not be given a medal at the end for hanging on in relationships you know are bad for you. You know this will end so all you are doing is stringing it out, which is bad for you (and no good for him).

FlowerArranger · 27/09/2022 02:36

You do not owe him any explanation.

Just text him that it's over. Then block.

If he somehow manages to get in touch, ignore. Pretend you're a grey rock.

urbanbuddha · 27/09/2022 04:01

Would the Freedom Programme help?

UserError012345 · 27/09/2022 04:36

HE is going through it. Is it of his own making? Past decisions coming back to haunt him ?

You are not his therapist.

TheScenicWay · 27/09/2022 06:53

A decent man going through a hard time does not treat his partner abusively.
An abusive man will abuse his partner whether he's going through a hard time or not.
Never accept excuses for shitty behaviour and never listen to words when actions show something entirely different.
You just tell him that you no longer want to be in this relationship and then block his number.

Original poster
Mumtothethreeamigos · 27/09/2022 07:15

Everything you are saying is right. I need to work on myself and why I would rather sit in something toxic than end it. I just always think what if he changes and I’m throwing away a good person. But I know deep down he was like this to his ex wife from things he’s told me. Somehow I hate losing people even when I know they aren’t right for me. I find it really hard.

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 27/09/2022 07:28

Well, it's harder to stay.
Soul-destroying.

ReneBumsWombats · 27/09/2022 07:37

Mumtothethreeamigos · 27/09/2022 07:15

Everything you are saying is right. I need to work on myself and why I would rather sit in something toxic than end it. I just always think what if he changes and I’m throwing away a good person. But I know deep down he was like this to his ex wife from things he’s told me. Somehow I hate losing people even when I know they aren’t right for me. I find it really hard.

Stay and you'll lose yourself.

Baconking · 27/09/2022 07:48

Please see a therapist and work through this so you don't keep putting up with terrible relationships 🌻

Watchkeys · 27/09/2022 08:38

What was it in your past that triggered you to de-prioritise your feelings, @Mumtothethreeamigos ?

Absent parent? Addict parent? Sibling who got all the attention or that you had to take care of? Ill parent?

sleepymum50 · 27/09/2022 15:59

I was too scared to just come out with it, so I said I was unhappy and asked for us to go for relationship counselling. He said no, and asked what I was unhappy about. I replied that I wanted to discuss these things with a trained counsellor.

He took that as an insult, we argued some more, he told me to fuck off and get a divorce. He flounced off.

A few hours later when he had calmed down, he sent a text agreed we’d grown apart and said we were best to separate. I agreed - Result!

The reason I didn’t want to tell him the things I was unhappy about, was because he always thinks he is right, shouts me down and twists things to make it my fault.

Does that scenario help at all? You haven’t said if it’s a long relationship or if you are married. A man who doesn’t even want to try doesn’t leave many options left.

I also saw a therapist separately which helped see things clearly and stick to my guns.

MzHz · 27/09/2022 16:06

Mumtothethreeamigos · 26/09/2022 21:54

Yes to all of this. But how do I find the strength to end it? What do I say? I’m such a people pleaser and he is going through a hard time. But it’s not my shit to carry. And I don’t deserve to be abused for someone else’s shit. I’ve made progress in that i can see this but I’ve realised it’s not right. That’s some growth I hope

Oh love, it’s ok. This isn’t on you and it’s not beyond you either.

take a deep breath - don’t think, you know what to do - and end it. You can then deal with your emotions afterwards. With us. We’re all here for you.

you don’t need any of us to tell you anything, you do know it all, you know what to do, but the groomed part of you is scared to do it. Put that scared person to one side, put her in a safe and quiet place in your head, don’t feel, do. Deep breath… “This relationship isn’t working, I’m calling it a day as of now”

Ofcourseshecan · 27/09/2022 17:38

ZaphodDent · 27/09/2022 01:57

You have one life and we don't get that many years. You will not be given a medal at the end for hanging on in relationships you know are bad for you. You know this will end so all you are doing is stringing it out, which is bad for you (and no good for him).

God, that’s so true.

I wasted years with a man I didn’t really like or even fancy much, just because he was needy and I felt bad each time I tried to end it. A wiser friend told me “Don’t try to end it. Just end it”. When I finally did, and for the first time refused to have him back, I couldn’t believe how good I felt at once.

Don’t be me, OP. Years of stress, anxiety, unhappiness and problems, all because I didn’t have the courage to say No.

Rocketclub · 27/09/2022 18:20

Mumtothethreeamigos · 26/09/2022 21:54

Yes to all of this. But how do I find the strength to end it? What do I say? I’m such a people pleaser and he is going through a hard time. But it’s not my shit to carry. And I don’t deserve to be abused for someone else’s shit. I’ve made progress in that i can see this but I’ve realised it’s not right. That’s some growth I hope

Counselling.

does he live with you?

does he have a key?

personally I would give custody of your phone to a trusted friend.
if he doesn’t live with you and doesn’t have a key. They can then text and say it is over and not to contact you again

Original poster
Mumtothethreeamigos · 27/09/2022 18:31

He doesn’t live with me it’s only been three months so no ties in that sense. It took me five years to leave a narcissistic husband but I did do it. I know I can do this. The trigger is probably absent/ cold parent and brother with autism I had to care for on my own on long flights from America to the UK when sent to boarding school. He used to cry all the way and vomit and shake. He was 11 and I was 9.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 27/09/2022 18:36

😧

OP that is awful. You poor thing.

You can do this - you can end it. As a PP said just talk about yourself: you are not comfortable in the relationship and it’s goodbye now, you wish him well but it’s over.

Hold your nose and do it and then connect with the relief and self respect.