Anyone gone through a painful friendship breakup with a long term close friend?

[Metabigot]

This is what I'm going through at the moment. Close friends for 20 years, she did the reading at my wedding, godmother to my son etc.

Somewhere along the way the friendship has broken down and I can't work out why. I began to sense a disconnect and former friend began to act very dismissive/rude/uncaring to me and when I was going through a crisis she didn't want to know. I can understand not over relying on friends as therapists but she literally wouldn't let me talk about the situation and just treated me really horribly and made me feel like I was being a nuisance.

So I backed off from the friendship out of anger/resentment and we both didn't speak for a while. I then got back in touch, I never wanted it to be finito, but she didn't want to know.

Then sent me an email telling me what a horrible person I was and accusing me of doing all sorts of things I just don't recognise. Said this had been going on for years and she'd put up with it but I KNOW we were friends , she actively pursued the friendship until this year and invited me to parties etc which surely you wouldn't want a horrible friend to go to.

So it's over and she's taken another mutual friend (who is closer to her to be fair, I knew she'd probably side with former friend) and I feel like how the hell did thi even happen after knowing these people for so many years. Yet in the end they turned on me and treated me like trash with no regard whatsoever for my feelings.

I know all I can do is get over it - but how?

Absolutely no way back with either of them so it's a matter of coming to terms and not letting it destroy me. I need advice/stories of similar if anyone can help.

Sending hugs, have been in a similar situation though for me friend withdrew as my life moved on with have a baby then getting married. She was a bridesmaid for me but stopped talking to me shortly after and accused me of things I didn't say. I suspect in this case her partner had something to do with it as had never been a fan of mine (think because she told me how awful he was especially at the beginning of their relationship).
I have slowly made me peace with it and accepted that it is what it is. I don't have any desire to go back but it's hard as we have a few friends in common. It gets easier in time I promise.

Can't comment on the fairness of your situation as don't understand or know the details.

I think society has become very toxic, where people engage in smear campaigns, and this has become pervasive. People are learning bullying techniques and toxic bonding strategies from each other and engaging in more and more propaganda to support the version of events that they wish to distribute.

I had a friend of 30 years who turned on me for the first 6 months of 2021, it escalated to the extent that she tried to get the keys to my 2nd property from me as she wanted to move her son into it and sublet it, monetize it without my consent. She is broke, I am not, however she refuses to work, but instead wants to rely on free handouts and set her children up at the expense of others. She came into my house and said all sorts of horrible and very upsetting things to me, to try to trigger me to lash out at her, so that she would have some dirt on me, and she could somehow hold this over me to blackmail me. Horrendous and very mad behavior. I friend dumped her, surprise, surprise, .......God only knows what crazy justifications she has made up, and second version of events she is peddling to others. She also snorts coke and takes all heavy painkillers she can get her hands on. Its very sad all around. I still feel really shocked at how extreme the actions were, and very hurt by the levels of depravity she was prepared to go, to get some money/value from me.

My best friend did this. Had an old friend move back up to.our hometown and i ceased to exist. No reply to texts ect. My dad died and she ignored me( she knew my dad personally) I got breast cancer within 4 weeks of his death, again not so much as a text . Lots of posts about she was out having fun with old friend but ignored me complety. Out of the blue i got a message accusing me of being an awful, selfish friend for not visiting her and waiting on her hand and foot when she had a back operation last year( a year after all my stuff) when i said i never got so much as a text when my dad died or i had cancer, her reply was " Ah yeah it was ALWAYS just about you wasnt it???"
I realised then she was a total narc and dropped her completely. OP i would bet money on the fact you never did any of the things she said. It sounds like she only wanted her own needs met and didnt want to care about you. She was punishing you for asking for support.Youve had a escape there. Grieve for the good bits and mobe on.

Thanks, makes me feel a little better that I'm.not the only one although of course I'd rather none of us have been through this.
@Redannie118 it's strange, my former friend really turned on me after I withdrew from the friendship after the horrible weekend and when I told her she'd hurt me by some of her actions she completely blocked me on all SM and layer sent the 'you're so horrible ' email presumably to justify why she'd been such a bitch as she was essentially saying I didn't deserve her care or being treated decently.

She picked up a few tiny things that had happened over the years and twisted them into character flaws, eg saying I always drank too fast and had to go home early as I was pissed ( happened once) and, bizarrely, that I stood up at people and shouted at them if they didn't agree with me! Ludicrous! So why invite me to your last 3 parties then if you thought I'd do that.

I honestly think she just couldn't take my (albeit temporary) rejection of her due to her behaviour and subsequent request to discuss. She kept wanting to pretend nothing had happened and i wasn't willing to play along with that.

It's just a shame she took the other friend with her, but she's weak and dependent on former friend to an unhealthy degree so foxtrot Oscar to the both of them.

Hurts to realise they changed tho

Do you recognise any truth at all in what she is saying? The trouble is, unless you speak out at the time, you’re both second guessing why the other is acting the way they are. I think your friend’s interpretation of things might be very different to yours. Not saying either of you are wrong, more like you’re both right in your own way. I do think when you’re going through shit, it can be all consuming and you don’t always realise other people have their own shit too.

Twice. Best friend ghosted me after I asked her what the situation was regarding her STBXH, being charged with child pornography. We had supported and housed her for months. That was a decade ago, still hurts and I miss her. Another friend of 20 years did the same after a disagreement about the Women's Institute, of all things.

The time for truthful honest open conversation has long gone.

I think a lot was bad timing in that I got some bad news (re a legal situation) on the day I visited her. Just before I set off. So I was upset about that but if she had only acknowledged it and showed she gave a shit that would have been enough. Didn't need to discuss it for hours.

I try to get the balance right in offloading to friends but a long term friend when you're in a genuine crisis is very different to a general whinge to a drinking buddy.

I felt let down and I don't feel my expectations were unrealistic. She was also extremely rude, arsey and went off without me the next day (theme park) after we'd agreed to meet by one of the rides, without telling me where she'd gone at which point I just knew we were on the rocks.

Yes my best friend of 40 years told me we could no longer be friends after her and her dh split up. He was my friend too before they got together - l introduced them and refused to take sides after their divorce. She told me l wasn't the friend she thought l was- l told her she was asking me to be someone l couldn't be. Very sad but there you go.

So many sad stories. And doubly hard when mutual friends take sides.

How long did people take to stop feeling sad?

Yes I posted on here about it a couple of times. Best friends for 37 years and up until Covid we were great. I could see she was a bit negative and angry at times but then she got heavily into conspiracies and anti vac then started goading me into arguments. I was grieving my dad who had died alone in a care home he was meant to be in temporarily and she knew I was upset I couldn't see him. Then I started planning my wedding and she was meant to be moh but starting being a spoilt cow over it. She kept accusing me of supporting lockdown and saying I was happy about it etc. she got very personal. I still had her as bridesmaid and we were ok for a bit after then she started it all up again getting very personal so I've had to distance myself. It's heartbreaking it really is.

Sorry I've written about it that many times I've glossed over it here but it was awful

Yes. My best friend ghosted me, I still have no idea why. It wasn’t one sided- she got me gifts saying ‘best friend’, we had matching lockets like schoolgirls. I saw her every other weekend guaranteed and talked virtually every day. I was splitting up with my ex, who had escalated a lot of the control due to this- he monitored some of my texts, and saw her boyfriend a lot while preventing me from going out. We had stayed friends through the actual break up. At some point between the break up and him moving out, though- she ghosted me. I still have no idea why. Our last texts were planning what we would do when we next saw each other. She said ‘love you!’ In our last ever conversation.

I tried to get back in touch about a year later. She seemed receptive for a couple of messages. Then ghosted me again. I asked her to please just meet up, talk about it. I called her, and she blocked me on everything.

I don’t know why. I don’t know how you can go so fast from ‘love you’ and ‘let’s go see x film next week’ to complete radio silence. I try not to let it get to me but it’s given me a lot of trust issues- I don’t show it because I don’t want to be needy but often worry I’m going to say or do something wrong without meaning to and destroy relationships. I still miss her 3 years on. The hardest part is having dreams where we’ve made up, waking up and knowing it’s not true.

The hardest part for me is the complete lack of care or empathy from my former best friend in the final days

I took my employer to tribunal for disability discrimination, extremely stressful and this got seen by her as 'trying to get people at work in trouble '

I think when she realised I wasn't taking her shut anymore she turned tables, made me the baddie and exited

Yes and it still hurts a year on. :(

Yes but grow apart she is 13 years younger and started relationship but change a lot in bad way that I can't understand. I just put my boundaries right and said that I don't want certain princess behaviours. I recognised how self centered she always been. We suppose to meet soon but I lost interest I feel tired when with her.

Yes, nearly 10 years ago now. We’d been friends for nearly 20 years. I did not invite her to my 40th birthday party ‘properly’, I texted her like everyone else.

She then ghosted me. I persevered and asked her to be my bridesmaid, I’d been hers and we were part of a strong group of 4 who met at uni. She said she couldn’t commit as didn’t know what else she might have on. Never replied to the invite and then blocked me on social media.

she’d similarly fallen out with the other 2 over the previous couple of years. They’d persevered and she’d forgiven them after much drama. This time she blocked all of us.

I was sad then but now I am relieved I don’t have to her endless dramas. The 3 of us are still very close and live near each other in our Uni town. We think she moved abroad. Ironically she’s a mental health nurse.

I completely get this. My 'friend' sent me an angry voice message demanding that 'every fucker who doubted me apologises'. Meaning me. I don't even know what she was on about. It's horrible

She “went off without you” at the theme park, or you ran off? If we’re going to tell stories, let’s make sure it’s truthful.

Your former friends care for you, always have always will. But somewhere along the line we have to make sure we’re not treating friends like verbal punching bags.

Maybe we could’ve had more grace and allowed you the space to lash out and not take it personally - now that we’re older we’re more equipped to do that. But at the time, the extreme things that were said was very very hurtful (for all of us) and creating distance was a way to protect ourselves.

We won’t address the name calling, but we wish you the best.

Has she got involved in cocaine. It changes the way you think. I had a good friend who accused me of being awful. They accused me of ignoring them and not replying to texts. In fact it was the other way round. It makes users paranoid.

God yes, I feel your pain. A very very good friend utterly tore me to shreds, told lies, twisted reality. Tbf her life was in free fall at the time, I saw it start with other friends of hers but never thought she would turn on me. It was utterly devastating. I loved her, thought she was amazing and talented. I really had no choice but to cut the whole thing off and I still think of her over a year on. I hope she's doing well I really do. But it's a case of loving from a distance.

I think all you can do is grieve the ending. Eventually you will (I think) find a place for a kind of nostalgic affection and a curiosity about what happened with her.

You understand exactly what we are feeling. Sometimes we reach a place where we have to save ourselves. Although the former friend will always have a special place in our hearts.

😲

@SunsetEyes OK hun

My BF of 43 years broke up with me 6 years ago and I still miss her so much. She accused me of some unkind behaviour which I couldn’t see/was misinterpreted. We were so close but we couldn’t seem to work it through despite a few attempts over the last 2 years before the final break up. She basically couldn’t see any good in me anymore. We have had no contact for several years but what hurts is that she has recently contacted a mutual friend after 25 years. She told her that the door is closed to me. I will never have a friend like her again, I could tell her anything. We also had great laughs. Our kids grew up together, we were godparents to each other’s children and she was my bridesmaid. The last time I saw her when I tried to hug her she literally held me at arm’s length. The rejection and loss still really hurts.

Sorry, that wasn’t helpful! I still have a very good life with my family and other friends, it certainly hasn’t ruined it. I try and tell myself that her rejection doesn’t make me a bad person.