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Original poster

Plucking up the courage to end relationship

35 replies

KarinaBrandySauce123 · 26/09/2022 14:56

I've been with him 8 months. He's emotionally unavailable. Constantly blames me for having my feelings hurt by him. He doesn't take accountability, never apologises. Dismisses my feelings. Makes me feel like I'm in the wrong for having feelings and normal reactions to things. He let's me down. He lacks communication. It's been 8 months and I don't feel like I truly know him. He's worn me down emotionally. He lacks self worth. He stonewalls me. He lacks self awareness.he will never change. He's secretive. Inconsiderate. Disrespectful of my time. Mirrors me, puts pressure on me for this relationship to work its all on me, if I don't message good morning then I must be in a mood, but its OK for him to never message me good morning or good night. He's awkward around me. Silent treatment. Pressured into abortion. No chance of having kids with him in the future now either, he made a 'no going back' decision on that without any consideration for my feelings about it. Its always me reaching out to him after arguments or disagreements, he says he loves me, he says I'm his future, he says I'm his soulmate, he says I'm the only one for him, his actions don't match his soppy quotes, he never rings me he just texts.

There are so many reasons why I should leave this emotionally unavailable man. I cannot cope anymore yet I've invested so so much energy
, time, effort, forgiveness into this relationship. My confidence and self worth is non existent right now after the past year of being with him. I don't know if it's me like he says it is. He's not spoke to me for a couple of days. My counselor says I should break my pattern of reaching out to him all the time after an argument. I always message him first to try and resolve stuff. He's expecting that again but I'm so drained and fed up of it being one sided. She said to let him come to me. With him being emotionally unavailable I've got a feeling I won't ever hear from him again and if he does he will blame me for him disappointing me and my son the other day. He won't take accountability for his actions:( I'm not going to reach out this time and then I will know where i stand but I'm struggling. I know we can't be good for each other. I'm just so scared to end it.

OP posts:
Always4Brenner · 26/09/2022 14:58

Get rid and don’t look back. You’re worth more than this a happy single life is better than this. You don’t live together I hope.

Original poster
KarinaBrandySauce123 · 26/09/2022 15:14

We don't live together no, thankfully

OP posts:
ChasingRainbows123 · 26/09/2022 16:07

Get rid & don't look back.
I have a post on here.
I was with a guy like that & went on for months like you did.
Then he just ended it out the blue for no reason & blocked me on facebook.
I don't know what I did.
It was hard at beginning.
Now I feel free & not emotionally drained by him.
Trust me.
The best thing you can do is get rid of him & you will feel so much better.
Hes not good for you with this behaviour.
You could so much better

Always4Brenner · 26/09/2022 16:09

KarinaBrandySauce123 · 26/09/2022 15:14

We don't live together no, thankfully

Goog get rid he’s dragging you down.

Mumofnarnia · 26/09/2022 16:26

Get rid of him. I dated someone exactly like this last year. It only gets worse!

Original poster
KarinaBrandySauce123 · 26/09/2022 16:30

I'm sorry to hear that chasingrainbows, but I'm glad you're much happier now! I feel like I'm a completely different person to how I was just before I met him:( it does feel like he's worn me down so much with everything we've been, weve been through a lot more than the average new relationship has i think. Just through constantly having to be a certain way or message in a particular way so that he doesn't think there's something wrong:( even if he thought there was something wrong he wouldn't even ask if i was OK like a normal concerned person would, he'd just not message me until I messaged him and assume I was in a mood with him. Its all very odd behaviour making me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I still haven't heard anything from him and I doubt I will and I'm walking around feeling like I've actually broken up with him when those words haven't been said specifically. His lack of effort is just unbelievable after everything he says, his actions just don't match up:( I keep giving chances. My lack of self respect and self worth is shocking that I've allowed myself to at times beg him to communicate with me when hes hurt me:( it's embarrassing I feel so pathetic.

OP posts:
scarletisjustred · 26/09/2022 16:32

You've been with him for 8 months. You don't live together. To be honest, I can't quite see how you've had time to invest so much time, effort, forgiveness into this relationship. I think this might be sunk costs fallacy - investing more time isn't going to let you recoup your original investment. Cut your losses and leave.

WhenDovesFly · 26/09/2022 16:35

OP, focus on the person you were before you met him. You can be that person again if you free yourself from this waste of space man.

Go one better than waiting for him to contact you - block him on everything so he can't contact you. Please don't be scared of ending it. Today could be the first day of a much, much better life for you.

Mumofnarnia · 26/09/2022 16:35

Out of curiosity, what made you get into a relationship with him in the first place? Was he a different person in the beginning?

Thats exactly how things went for me last year when the guy I was seeing just abruptly ended things with me. All full on in the beginning but then started to stonewall, be passive aggressive and turn the tables on me for his behaviour and claim he couldn’t message me because he was busy with work!

momtoboys · 26/09/2022 16:37

Oh, good lord. Do you even really have to ask the question? He sounds dreadful. You will be so much happier without him. Don't waste one more precious minute.

Original poster
KarinaBrandySauce123 · 26/09/2022 16:42

We got into a routine of seeing each other whenever we could, usually 3/4 nights a week, family days out etc, it all moved pretty quick and in hindsight too quick. So from going to spending all my time alone or with my son to having someone who was around a lot of the time, it was a big change for me but strangely it worked quite well seeing each other that much and it didn't feel too much for me surprisingly. So if this ends which is the best thing to do it'll spiral me into even worse depression I think as I'll be back to being cometely alone. I don't have friends really and literally nobody messages me. So from going to thinking he was the one and stupidly revolving my spare time around him to then nothing again. But I was so much more confident when I was single just effort I got with him. It may just be 8 mi ths but it feels like a lot longer than that to me as we've been through a lot :/

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 26/09/2022 16:47

Yes leave him. You will have seen his good side for the first 3 months and then all of a sudden… wham! Then starts the passive aggressive behaviour and making you guess if you’ve done something wrong, then the excuses and stonewalling and then the lack of communication! What you had in the beginning was all a facade! What you’re seeing now is his true self

Original poster
KarinaBrandySauce123 · 26/09/2022 16:55

I.got with him because he was different to the other people I had dated, he was very clear about how he felt about me you cpd call it lovebombing, immediately which should have been a red flag. Ut he wanted to spend time with me which I wasn't massively used to so that was quite Appealing that he did actually want to spend his time with me. Then it became clear his communication was shit a d it felt one sided, like if I didn't message him he wouldn't message me, and then he'd mirror how I was or what I was saying etc it seemed like he didn't have his own identity:/ like he was copying how I was feeling. He always used to say he was fine when he clearly wasn't. Refused to say what was wrong. He ever got angry. He was pretty much emotionless. But took pride in being emotionless like it was a good thing. Its not a good thing, it's OK to feel anger hurt, frustration it's like he thought it was weak to show emotion. And if I said he upset me he'd immediately say I upset him, he was just saying that to deflect, and hence never actually acknowledging what he'd done to upset me so the issue was never resolved because he made it about him being the victim then.its even draining af. I'm not the same person I was just before I met him. I'm prone to depression etc but I genuinely feel like I've lost myself completely with him. I cannot change him I know that he is who he is. I feel like I've just wasted precious energy on making this work when it's a dead end road.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 26/09/2022 17:27

@KarinaBrandySauce123 just end it and block him on everything, then concentrate on making new friends or seeing your old friends a bit more.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 26/09/2022 18:02

Just end it.
He brings little joy to your life and you seem to be second guessing him.

There's no point carrying on.

Katerinabrandysauce123 · 26/09/2022 18:43

He did reach out. And again playing games and dismissing everything that happened and how he let me down Saturday. He's very odd it's just such a shame that I've invested all this time and effort on him for him treat me like this :(

Mumofnarnia · 26/09/2022 18:49

Katerinabrandysauce123 · 26/09/2022 18:43

He did reach out. And again playing games and dismissing everything that happened and how he let me down Saturday. He's very odd it's just such a shame that I've invested all this time and effort on him for him treat me like this :(

Are you sure we weren’t dating the same guy. He sounds scarily like the guy I dated last year lol

Katerinabrandysauce123 · 26/09/2022 18:53

Hehe very unlikely chance! but I'm sorry you had to deal with such odd behaviour. Really messes with my head :/

Mumofnarnia · 26/09/2022 18:58

Katerinabrandysauce123 · 26/09/2022 18:53

Hehe very unlikely chance! but I'm sorry you had to deal with such odd behaviour. Really messes with my head :/

Yes he used to let me down all the time. Sometimes on the day by claiming he was too busy with work. Or if he did meet me he’d turn up extremely late. Completely different man to how he first came across

Original poster
KarinaBrandySauce123 · 26/09/2022 19:35

It's the disrespect of it isnt it. And the trying to make it my fault that I can't deal with. The inability for him to take accountability, really telling me that what happened isn't what happened? He said he told me his side of the story and how he felt when he really hasn't:/ refuses to talk about it saying he's ready told me when he hasn't. He's saying 'sorry you interpret it like that'. I'm not interpreting it like that, what I said is what happened. He's denying it. :(

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 26/09/2022 19:48

KarinaBrandySauce123 · 26/09/2022 19:35

It's the disrespect of it isnt it. And the trying to make it my fault that I can't deal with. The inability for him to take accountability, really telling me that what happened isn't what happened? He said he told me his side of the story and how he felt when he really hasn't:/ refuses to talk about it saying he's ready told me when he hasn't. He's saying 'sorry you interpret it like that'. I'm not interpreting it like that, what I said is what happened. He's denying it. :(

Exactly! As if he thinks you’re stupid and going to believe his ridiculous behaviour is your fault!
I’d tell him that you’re sick to death of his toxicity and gaslighting manipulation and his emotional unavailability and you’re going to move on and find someone more normal who doesn’t have all these issues he presents! He will no doubt get upset and ghost you and make it appear like it’s your fault but just ignore him, block and move on. It’s doing no good for your own well-being staying with him. None of this is your fault

Original poster
KarinaBrandySauce123 · 26/09/2022 19:56

He's trying to sweep everything u der the carpet now, he messaged earlier after a couple of days saying 'let me know if you want me to come over tonight'...like I wod have just forgotten about what he did. Then I said 'if you want to to talk about what happened Saturday'. Then he proceeded to basically say it didn't happen, it was all in my mind, interpreted it wrong etc. He will not apologise or accept he messed up. So I was like 'well there's nothing more to say then'. Now he's just messaged asking if I want a takeaway?? Like he doesnt get that I cannot keep just forgiving him and forgetting things without resolution. It corrodes my confidence so much.

OP posts:
madasawethen · 26/09/2022 20:04

You have to block him. Tell him it just isn't working out and not to contact you again. Then block.
It'll take a little while for the trauma bonding to weaken but it will.

Always4Brenner · 26/09/2022 20:07

Block and delete it’s the only way hugs you’ll get there.

firstmummy2019 · 26/09/2022 20:20

Why are you still engaging with him? He has shown you who he is.