Depression has changed husband beyond recognition

[Sunshinedaydreamer]

I don't know what to do :( been with my husband for 20 years since teenagers. Not even 40 yet.
My husband (and his dad) are quite emotionless people. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I laugh loudly, cry loudly, shout loudly lol. He is always neutral. Barely cracks a smile when there's something funny. Never sheds a tear. Never angry.

I accepted him for the quiet man he is because he was loving to me and still made me feel special.

Over the years he has changed a lot. Become much more grumpy, stopped taking care of himself. No motivation to do much. Doesn't really do much for /with the kids. Watches a lot of TV, works and nothing else. He had a couple of friends. He's purposely lost touch with them and now has zero. Had zero social life.

After a while he did admit to me he thought he was depressed and although show nothing on the outside, a lot is going on in his head and a lot of negative thoughts.

I've tried to be understanding and I know he can't help it but it has a huge impact on the family. Every couple of weeks he will go into a decline and take to his bed, withdraw from family life.
Because this has been going on for years and I'm bearing the load of caring for the children, house and everyone's emotional needs it's dragging me down and I don't want to do this anymore.
The thought of living on my own with him after my children leave home fills me with dread. They give me something to focus on at the moment.
Any advice from people who have been through this? He is going to see his doctor for the first time ever about it today. I am so proud of him for doing this. But I also know there is no quick fix and this is likely to be a life long battle that I don't know if I can face along side him :-(

Depression is horrible to have. It’s like someone turned the lights on and you see this “stage show” of life and think “what’s the actual point of all this?”. When I have really bad episodes they are interluded with extreme guilt that I can’t show my family how much I love them. I go to bed because it’s a chance to switch of my brain (and the rushing thoughts).

You sound understanding, and understandably frustrated. I can’t say how long it will take for your DH to get better, but actually articulating how he feels to you, saying he thinks he has a problem and actively going to the doctors, puts him in the best possible position for help.

Doctors will most likely recommend some medication which take a few weeks to kick in. He might also be offered talking therapies, probably CBT. Do encourage him to go for the therapies as well!

When you say “life long battle”, in my experience yes, I do have a tendency for low moods and flares of depression. But it most certainly isn’t most of the time. I take medication, engage in therapy and commit to looking after myself. On bad days I might need to go to bed, but that is a major last resort, and I can think of other ways to cope now.

We had a very slight disagreement yesterday (he's currently signed off work) and he went out and didn't tell me where he was going. Was gone for 3 hours, wouldn't answer his phone etc and didn't collect our daughter from school. Came home not long after at 4 pm, we haven't spoken to each other at all. I just can't cope with it. Its like walking on egg shells with him. If I say the slightest thing wrong it sets him off. I hate living like this.
I need to get up for the day now and I just can't face it! Got to take the children to school then back in the house with him all day

Sorry I name changed

I think you have to be honest with him about how you feel as your feelings count too. It could give him a wake up call. I’d see if you could manage to try for a few months once he has seen the doctor and on medication. It could make the world of difference.

I feel desperately sorry for you. I went through this with dh, though he is v positive when we’ll…. You really have to take care of yourself, it’s very easy to get dragged in and down. Almost inevitable. It nearly broke me.

i insisted dh got help, medication, and took all the advice given. I was supportive but if he hadn’t I’d have left.

It’s a massive thing that he is going to the GP. A hopeful message from me. I had to do the same. Went on medication and did CBT. Took me a while to find the right medication but I’m so so much better now. It was a literal life saver. BUT he has to be prepared to work hard to recover. I hope he does.

OP I can't help thinking you didn't sign up for this. People grow and change over the years and can develop different needs that make them incompatible. The fact that in this case it's theoretically a treatable illness doesn't make it your job to "stand by your man" for ever if doing so drains your own pleasure in life. You're not his nursemaid.

It can also be difficult to separate out illness from selfishness in some situations, and it's worrying that it's taken him so long to seek help when this has so clearly impacted you and the kids for so long. Him not picking up your DC is crap isn't it...

You have the right to be happy.

I was married to someone who was never going to be happy, and after many years I ended up deciding one of us might as well be! He's sought treatment for depression over the years but is just not wired up for joy or spontaneity or any of the things that make my life worth living. And in his own way, he's all right because that's his normal.

Thanks for the comments. Very uncomfortable atmosphere in our house today, we haven't spoken a word to each other. He's downstairs and I'm upstairs.

We have marriage problems which I don't doubt for one minute are contributing to his depression. I said to him yesterday that there are two problems, his depression in general, and the marriage problems. Even with his medication, alot or the marriage problems will still remain. That's when he stormed out. He wants me to change the way I am too, but I can't act like everything is hunky dory when it's not. I have never felt so unhappy in my whole life and I just want this situation to go away. Even if we separated, I would feel very worries about him all the time and wouldn't be able to relax when the children were with him. Just don't know what to do.

It seems to me that there are two separate issues here.
Depression aside - I do think you outgrew your relationship. You met as teenagers. It worked then. Now you are different grown up people that don’t fit together.
His personality change over the years is him, not the depression.

I have had depression throughout the years. And yes - there are/were periods of withdrawal from life. But depression doesn’t make you into a grumpy unpleasant person on a continuous basis:

As to the depression itself - his doctors will give him meds. At best - the meds will make him a little more neutral in his life outlook. But that is unlikely to change the dynamics of your relationship.

I think - you have done your time. You can’t imagine being with him when kids leave. It’s telling. You are still young and no reason to waste the rest of your life on this dead relationship.

It's hard. I do try and think of it like other health issues that could impact family - if he was in an accident and lost his legs or developed a brain injury, would you really walk out on him because you found it hard? For me marriage is in sickness and health,not just for the good bits. My husband has had multiple joint replacements and he's not even 45, has been wheelchair bound a lot, due to severe arthritis cannot do a lot alone.. it will also only get worse with age - of course this has also lead to bad mental health and strain etc... but i would feel awful walking away over something that isn't his fault.

However you say there are more marriage problems unrelated to his health, in which case it may just be incomparability at this point and this is just compounding it, so if you really feel that way maybe it's for the best

Stop allowing your children to live in this misery. You need to leave him.

depression doesn’t make you into a grumpy unpleasant person on a continuous basis

It can, though.

I'd wait and see if his behaviour turns out to be a treatable mental health problem, and if so, whether he continues and engages with the treatment in order to remain well.

@FurryDandelionSeekingMissile

Treatment for depression doesn’t change personality. It helps with mood. Makes it possible to not see things as hopeless.

So - it won’t change him into a person who wants to spend time with his kids or do things for them. Won’t make him to be an attentive loving partner. Won’t make him become motivated and driven. Or won’t make him care about his W happiness.
These above are symptoms of a crappy partner, not of depression. And there is no cure for that.

Even in the depth of my depression, when I barely had a will to live and everything seemed dark - I knew I was not being much of a partner. And I could verbalise it to my H and tell him I need help and time to get better. I felt sorry I couldn’t be healthier and better. I loved my kids dearly and tried to do what I physically could.

What OP is describing is hopeless. He can get a bit more stable in his moods. But it won’t change him as a person.

I think it’s time you have an honest conversation with him about how his depression has removed him from you and the kids and that you can’t continue to tolerate his lack of engagement or personal hygiene, etc. He needs to either commit to seeking help and pursuing MH treatment and begin engaging immediately or go.

Depression affects different people differently. It can stop you getting any pleasure from spending time with the people you love, and make you feel that you're only a nuisance to them and they won't want to spend time with you. Especially in men, it can make people irritable and angry. You can lose the ability to be attentive and loving to a partner because you're inward-looking and can't feel loved. It can rob you of all motivation and drive. It can make you feel you're incapable of giving someone happiness.

With chronic depression, the changes can look like a permanent part of someone's personality, but until now he's had no treatment for depression. OP can't know at this point whether it's possible that, with treatment, he could become more like his old self, and their relationship could improve. Maybe that's not the case and he's just developed into a grumpy unloving person, and their relationship is unsalvageable. I have no idea what the future would be, but I think it's worth giving the depression treatment a chance. If OP had described abuse that's different, obviously.

How old are your kids OP? Have you been encouraging him to seek help for some time? It sounds to me like you have given as much as you can for now. I understand what you mean about separating and spending your time worrying about him. Before my DH I was in a relationship with a guy who would self-sabotage anything good in his life. I was really worried that me leaving him would be the end of him. I did leave though, and over time with some distance between us (physically and emotionally) I stopped feeling responsible for him. It was such a blessed relief, and the worrying phase didn't actually last that long. A couple of months at most. What I'm trying to say is, you won't worry about him the way you do now.

You just sound absolutely broken. He's depressed and that's terrible for him, but it's terrible for you too.

I disagree massively.

The symptoms OP describes are classic depression symptoms - low mood, loss of interest in his family/friends, low energy levels and increased need for sleep, irritability, lack of motivation for self care.

When I’m depressed I can barely be around anyone. I know I love them, but I don’t feel like I do. I have a building sense of impending doom when someone talks to me and my mind is racing with horrible thoughts, and yes, I get irritated. I think my family don’t deserve to be around me and so I withdraw from them. It’s good that you have the insight during your episodes to vocalise how you don’t like acting the way you do, but some people don’t have the ability to do that. I definitely don’t.

Treatment (esp. CBT) for depression will make a person more likely to want to spend time with their partner and children and make a person more goal-directed and motivated, because it works on the symptoms of hopelessness and anhedonia that make it so hard to carry out day to day stuff with depression.

Hes not choosing to be like this. He’s seeking help from medical professionals.

I will certainly be giving him as much support as I can over the next few weeks /months and I really hope to see the medication working. That would be wonderful. I don't want to give up on him. But my concern is that the marriage is just too far gone to be saved. He knows I've been unhappy for a while and this will be contributing to his mental state I'm sure. The whole thing is very sad and I wish it wasn't like this.
He's lying on the sofa under a blanket "pretending" to be asleep. We still haven't spoken a word to each other. I have to address what he did yesterday, it's unacceptable, but it will just be another argument so I'm keeping quiet at the moment

Do you have any support IRL? Any way to get counseling?

Depression is awful and a lot of people, particularly men, can admit that they need help. Your husband needs to see a GP, and possibly be on antidepressants. Could you persuade him to go? Perhaps even make an appointment and go with him?

It’s so difficult OP, I feel for you.

For what it’s worth I often lie on my bed with my eyes closed to try and shut out the world when I’m depressed, even if I can’t sleep. Handling any kind of conflict (even if I was the one who caused it) felt like a mountain to climb and I just didn’t not have the energy for it.

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life? You certainly don’t have to stay in a marriage if you think it is too far gone, but I wouldn’t write off anything until he’s got his depression under control. It might not change anything, but it might.

I'd leave - if i was with someone who absented themselves from family life, offered no support and sulked i'd be off. Treating you and your DC like shit is not okay whatever the reason.

Personally, given he’s gone to the GP, I’d give it a few months at least for meds to kick in. After that, you could try couples counselling to help you tease out these issues. Some of it will be you DH’s behaviours that he needs to have control over despite depression (like he doesn’t need to disappear for hours even if he is depressed) and indeed also behaviours from you. Some will be about working out about managing the depression. It sounds a bit of a mulch at the moment, and a hard time to get your heads straight and know about the future of your marriage. it’s a big deal that this has been untreated for so long!

Huge sympathy.

I can’t believe he’s let you carry the load for 20 years without even going to the GP. I’d be long gone by now.

It's not okay, you're right — OP is not obliged to stay in a miserable relationship where she's not treated well.

The reason I've posted the things that I have is that I get the vibe from OP's posts that she hasn't entirely lost hope that things might change, and that if the DH started acting more like he used to, the relationship might be salvageable.

IF depression is the reason for his behaviour, and IF he chooses to seek and stick with treatment for the depression, and IF the treatment works, there may be enough change in him that the relationship problems can be worked on. I just felt the need to post about the issues that depression can cause for some people, because some other posters were saying that his current behaviour could not be a result of depression (and must therefore be both deliberate and permanent).