Depression has changed husband beyond recognition

[Sunshinedaydreamer]

I don't know what to do :( been with my husband for 20 years since teenagers. Not even 40 yet.
My husband (and his dad) are quite emotionless people. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I laugh loudly, cry loudly, shout loudly lol. He is always neutral. Barely cracks a smile when there's something funny. Never sheds a tear. Never angry.

I accepted him for the quiet man he is because he was loving to me and still made me feel special.

Over the years he has changed a lot. Become much more grumpy, stopped taking care of himself. No motivation to do much. Doesn't really do much for /with the kids. Watches a lot of TV, works and nothing else. He had a couple of friends. He's purposely lost touch with them and now has zero. Had zero social life.

After a while he did admit to me he thought he was depressed and although show nothing on the outside, a lot is going on in his head and a lot of negative thoughts.

I've tried to be understanding and I know he can't help it but it has a huge impact on the family. Every couple of weeks he will go into a decline and take to his bed, withdraw from family life.
Because this has been going on for years and I'm bearing the load of caring for the children, house and everyone's emotional needs it's dragging me down and I don't want to do this anymore.
The thought of living on my own with him after my children leave home fills me with dread. They give me something to focus on at the moment.
Any advice from people who have been through this? He is going to see his doctor for the first time ever about it today. I am so proud of him for doing this. But I also know there is no quick fix and this is likely to be a life long battle that I don't know if I can face along side him :-(

I can't believe he hasn't sought medical help before and has done this to his family for so many years.
I'd make it quite clear to him that if he refuses medical help, counselling and medication you are leaving and mean it.
There is just no excuse for this.
I have complex trauma and I'm able to live a perfectly normal happy life and work full time because I engage with my psychiatrist and take my medication religiously with no excuses.
If I stopped doing this and took to my bed I'd be exactly like your husband.
Tough love is required here.

Depression is awful, absolute hell. However, he must know that he is ill, that he is suffering, that his illness is impacting his life and behaviour and his behaviour is impacting his wife and family. I never met anyone with depression who didn’t want to feel better, even if they felt like they never would again (depression talking here) and felt pretty hopeless, they desperately wanted to feel ok. I’m afraid at some point, the penny needs to drop that nothing and nobody can magically make this better. At some point the sufferer, despite the terrible anhedonia and hopeless feelings, has to get help for themselves and take it. Follow advice and take their meds if prescribed. They owe this not only to themselves but to their loved ones. Unless sectioned, nobody can force a depressed person to do anything about it, however there really does have to come a point where enough is enough. Tel him that you love him, you are desperately sorry that he is ill and suffering so much, but that he needs to go and get help for your sake and his children’s sakes, as well as himself. Tell him it has gone on for years and that doing nothing about it hasn’t helped him. Tell him there is good effective help out there and you have cared for him for years but are afraid that your own mental health is starting to suffer and your children need two healthy parents. If he refuses to get help, tell him that as sad as it is, for the sake of your mental health an the future mental health of your children, you will have to leave. OP you have been living like this for so long you have probably forgotten what a nice peaceful life looks like, your children also are growing up knowing only the environment they are in, which is clearly not a healthy one. Time for tough love, it will honestly be the best advice you can give him. Don’t feel guilty, you can still empathise and sympathise with someone, but it doesn’t mean you have to condone or enable self destructive behaviour. It is very hard to help yourself when you are depressed, but nobody else can sort it out for you. Our mental health is our responsibility, nobody else’s. I’m so sorry, OP, this sounds incredibly hard for everyone. X

He's only at the start of his medication journey so don't know how effective it will be yet. He's currently suffering from side effects, insomnia, dizziness, nausea. He's got 2 weeks off work to adjust to them.
He's also waiting on an appointment with a mental health nurse.
He eventually apologied last night and we were able to talk about things so we've cleared the air for now. But that is the trouble because it only takes the most tiny minuscule thing to set him off again.

So he needs to have a strategy for when he feels like that. It’s not ok to take out how he’s feeling on you.