Need advice from long term married folk please

[Taffetasilkchiffon789]

Dh and I have been married for 32 years and we have 2 adult dc.

Our marriage has always been good and my dh is an extremely intelligent and capable person.. He works very hard, is reliable, does his fair share at home and is an extremely good father. He can be very funny when he’s in the mood!

The problem is that I just don’t t feel needed by him at all anymore. I know if I left his life would carry on exactly the same. Although our sex life is fine, I feel we don’t have the same emotional connection we once had and I really miss it. We used to talk and now he rarely starts a conversation. He won’t talk about our relationship so I have no idea what is going on in his head. and if I start to, he walks out of the room.

I thought that things had got distant between us because he is out of the house for long work days but then he wfh for the whole of Covid and if anything things got even colder. I don’t know if the problem is that he doesn’t feel strong emotions in the first place or that he doesn’t choose to share them.

I am wondering if I am expecting too much after so many years? I know some men do retreat in to themselves as they get older. He isn’t depressed as he is very active, happy and fulfilled in his work. I don’t think I am unusually needy as I am quite independent and like my own space and I have a time consuming hobby. But when we are together I would like to feel a bit more loved I suppose. Is that wrong of me?

It’s got to the point where I think I might prefer to be completely alone than alone in a couple ifyswim 😢. but then I think I am being ridiculous. I am quite confused tbh.

is there anyone out there going through something similar?

I’d embrace not being needed tbh! If everything else is ok/good then branch out a bit

I think perhaps you are over-analyzing things. You say you don't feel needed by him. You shouldn't be 'needed" by anyone, really! Perhaps you are lacking something in yourself in your desire to be necessary to him.

Do you still enjoy each other's company? Have interesting conversations about the world/your family/your jobs?

I think all long relationships get into a bit of a slump. Maybe try some new things; a hobby or sport together, a 'date night' out, etc.

We've been married for the same length of time. For me, my dh is too needy, mainly caused by panic attacks due to his health problems. I don't enjoy being needed so much and love having time to myself, I've considered leaving because of it. But, if he was to suddenly stop needing me around, I don't know how I'd react.
I feel sad for you that every time you want to talk about your relationship he walks out of the room. I think that's rude and very dismissive, quite cruel in a way.

Been married 24 years here. When I feel him being distant I ignore him for a while. Not in a bad way I just don't pay him much attention. He usually then comes running. Make yourself your priority, see if he jumps in.

Thank you RedKettle that’s good advice! We already spend very little time together but perhaps I will go away for a while.

AllAboutMargot I can see how being depended on to reassure and calm a fellow adult could become wearisome if it’s a regular occurrence. So it’s good of you to be there for your dh. I don’t depend on my dh for that sort of thing but I do feel he has become quite brusque and dismissive, as though my opinion doesn’t carry any weight anymore.

Rather than spend time alone have you been away together recently, a 'romantic break' as it were? Maybe you need some time to reconnect outside the humdrum of normal life?

mdinbc I’m interested in your response when you say we shouldn’t be needed by anyone really! I understand what you are saying of course in that in healthy relationships we should be self reliant and take responsibility for our own actions, and dh and I function fairly well like that I think.

We do still talk about world affairs and politics and our work. I feel a bit disloyal
writing this but I have noticed that before I even get a chance to respond to something he says, he proclaims his viewpoint and then his attention is on something else other than my response. He’s not a great listener.

I suppose I thought it was reasonable to assume that after thirty years of marriage my existence was as fundamentally important to him as his is to me. But let’s just say that has become fairly difficult to discern.

Maybe there is something lacking in me that I expect more? I assumed that we would get to a point when we had less demands on our time and that would be a moment for just us but instead of renewed closeness there is a bit of a void.

Chutneyvirgin I have a very time consuming hobby, thankfully, that involves being out of the house a lot without my dh so it would be hard for me to branch out more!

We have been away for a couple of weekends Olivetreebutter and they have been enjoyable but the same thing has happened. Not much conversation or engagement. The physical side of things has always been good and no change there so it’s hard to explain this! It’s like the emotional side is missing!

I think if your partner does not engage emotionally then you are bound to feel a bit lonely. I think it is natural to have an expectation of emotional support in a marriage and if he is withholding that support you have every right to challenge him on it.

Together 34/35 years and neither of us working. I do talk to him and he listens and nods of makes appropriate noise but really when we're together so much there's not too much to talk about (hurrah for mumsnet). He's never been great at opening up about how he feels and finds chit chat hard. Sometimes conversations are limited to what's for lunch/dinner shall we go out etc. Though if I start him on options for the allotment that can see the best part of the day disappear.

We're comfortable in each others company, even the quiet spells. There's something nice about spending time with him even just reading.

What is it you're wanting from him? The children going makes a big hole in your lives, try and fill a bitvof that with something you can do together.

Should that be fewer demands on our time not less? 😁

Thank you slouching.

I know if I walked out tomorrow my DH would cope and likewise if he left me. We don’t need each other but we want to be together and life would be weird without him. We’ve been together for over 40 years.

I think sometimes relationships just run their course, and there's absolutely no shame in that.
When marriage was 'created', life expectancy was 40 years old, people weren't together for 40 years plus.
I would imagine with very few exceptions, it's boring to be with the same person for 40 years plus. It's bound to be.
As a society, I think we'd be happier, if we accepted that it's fine to move on, especially once kids have moved on, and if it's financially possible.
I write this based on my current position of Being nearly in my fifties and having an absolute whale of a time dating.

When im out, I can easily spot which of the similarly aged people are just starting dating and which have a long term marriage. The former are the group smiling and laughing.

I don't think this is about not being needed but more about your DH just doesn't bother putting any emotional energy or effort into your relationship anymore;he sounds lazy and doesn't want to be bothered by anything he doesn't feel interested in.

He's taking you for granted and treating you like a well worn piece of household furniture;do you generally chit chat about everything days things,laugh together,say I love you for the hell of it,drop funny little messages/memes when you've not seen each other over the course of a long day apart,call just because you want to hear each other's voices?

Does he take you on date nights,have couple weekends away,enjoy a takeout and a crap film on the TV for a cosy night in?,does he buy you gifts for things like your birthday with any even slight thought?

@arethereanyleftatall I think there is a lot of truth in this- when you are around someone a great deal of the time, know all their experiences , don't have separate and fresh stuff to chat about, it's very easy for it to become Groundhog Day- when you have kids at home, their lives and experiences kind of give life a bit more variety I feel and it's not all focused on one person. When it's the 2 of you again it is different and people think yippee more time for myself, which is true and works if you are on the same page - but if you have ended up with a quite needy person you can end up having plenty of time, but no longer fully in control of that time or what you do- and yes, it can be quite boring .

Thanks for all the replies which are good for thought.

Thank you thenewduchessoflapland I think this is about emotional energy to a degree. It certainly feels like our relationship is not a high priority anymore for my dh. We are well past the leaving one another notes stage and that’s ok, but I would like a bunch of flowers occasionally but even more then that, to hear him say something affectionate to me once in a while. And to feel like we were on the same team again.

The thing is Crikeyalmighty we are not together a lot post pandemic. We both work, I have a time consuming hobby, he travels for his job, it’s not like we don’t have new and interesting things to talk about and I am out in the evenings and at weekends a lot more than him so I don’t consider myself needy particularly. But he makes me feel emotionally needy I suppose by being so reticent all the time. It’s like living with a distant cousin!

arethereanyleftatall maybe we have just run our course but if we have, I would expect to feel more resigned than sad.

Food for thought

If you suggested a holiday together what would he say?

23 years married, 27 together coming up for 28.... we had our annual argument last night and I was accused of no longer wanting DH, that he had noticed it a long time ago etc yet for me I don't feel any different towards him (well today I do, I'm blinking tired and peeved right off) but what I do know our sex life changed when he was having radiation for prostate cancer as he would have incredible pain, so I didn't initiate that anymore, and whilst going through menopause myself... but we still hug and muck around, but I suspect DH see's that as the lacking ''need''.

As a Part B I have noticed him talking more about that side of life to his close work mates and I'm not too thrilled about that, as none of them have gone through this to offer him advice or support. So I feel somewhat alone in that dept, that I don't have a support person to offload to...

Last night in particular as we were settling down to watch TV for an hour before bed, someone he knows from school called up and they spent the time on the phone discussing a business matter that isn't something to have worried about last night. I coulnd't put the TV on because of their call, so that is what started the argument... had it been me, I would have ended the call relatively quickly and got back to them today, making our time last night my priority.

Sorry if this doesn't answer your question, but that's how I'm finding our stage of life together. If I lived in a city without the commitments I have here, I probably would have left for the night instead... I think we are feeling somewhat stuck for now.

@arethereanyleftatall Insightful post. I think most people get together as they want (need?) a partner to play house with for want of a better word. It's no wonder once the children are grown up (if you had them), you no longer feel the need for this other partner as much. Maybe you never really wanted "them" but needed to conform to the status quo, or just afraid of being single/lonely. Or it could be the menopause playing havoc with your hormones?

I'm in the process of ending my 22yr relationship due to a lack of emotional connection, so I understand where you are coming from.

We hardly spend any time together and he just doesn't seem interested in me as a person. I think in the busy years of raising small children it's easy to grow apart as a couple without really noticing. In our case it's irretrievable unfortunately. I have been lonely in the marriage for quite some time - looking forward to being alone now.

I am sorry about your impending split Hoolihan but hope you come through the process happier at the other end. It’s nice to know that someone understands about the emotional connection which I think is a very different thing to neediness.

I think parenting has taken a lot out of us both
so I sympathise with your post.
One of my dc had very serious health issues when young and even though they are fine now, I think it had a very draining effect on us as a couple.

Do you mind me asking please, do you ever worry about being alone when much older, in your eighties and nineties?
I know we can’t predict how life will go and we could be alone then anyway, but I have to be honest and say that it does worry me a bit.

expat101 an annual argument is impressive but I wouldn’t be happy about my dh discussing our sex life with his friends.which would seem like a betrayal to me.
And surely it’s polite to leave the room to take a phone call if another person is watching tv? I understand how you feel about being stuck and a bit alone with it all.

Zonky I understand what you are saying but
dh and I were definitely a love match.
It wasn’t a marriage of expediency.
And I still love him deeply.
He has so many good qualities and I am aware of my own faults too. So maybe this is about my hormones?
After so many years of child related things I feel the need for a bit more freedom.
Just to stress I am not looking for other relationships at all. Even if we split I would not be interested in living with another man.
But I am bored of our current routines.

Watchthesunrise he would respond enthusiastically but then it would be difficult to schedule because of his work and stressful to clear space for it.
But we would eventually go and we would really enjoy it but it would be cut short because of work demands and he would be stressed and tired and I’d be sad.
This is what usually happens anyway.

I like this! Absence definitely does make the heart grow fonder in your case @Redkettle 😊

I think therapy might help you unpick your feelings. It certainly worked for me.

I realised that my STBXH did not see me as an equal in our marriage, and a couple of your comments (dismissive of your opinions) resonated with me.

Lastly, menopause changed how I fundamentally viewed our marriage. I lost some of my ability to put up and shut up. Our marriage only functioned if I never questioned his decisions or asked anything of him.