Need advice from long term married folk please

[Taffetasilkchiffon789]

Dh and I have been married for 32 years and we have 2 adult dc.

Our marriage has always been good and my dh is an extremely intelligent and capable person.. He works very hard, is reliable, does his fair share at home and is an extremely good father. He can be very funny when he’s in the mood!

The problem is that I just don’t t feel needed by him at all anymore. I know if I left his life would carry on exactly the same. Although our sex life is fine, I feel we don’t have the same emotional connection we once had and I really miss it. We used to talk and now he rarely starts a conversation. He won’t talk about our relationship so I have no idea what is going on in his head. and if I start to, he walks out of the room.

I thought that things had got distant between us because he is out of the house for long work days but then he wfh for the whole of Covid and if anything things got even colder. I don’t know if the problem is that he doesn’t feel strong emotions in the first place or that he doesn’t choose to share them.

I am wondering if I am expecting too much after so many years? I know some men do retreat in to themselves as they get older. He isn’t depressed as he is very active, happy and fulfilled in his work. I don’t think I am unusually needy as I am quite independent and like my own space and I have a time consuming hobby. But when we are together I would like to feel a bit more loved I suppose. Is that wrong of me?

It’s got to the point where I think I might prefer to be completely alone than alone in a couple ifyswim 😢. but then I think I am being ridiculous. I am quite confused tbh.

is there anyone out there going through something similar?

Married the same length of time, & all sounds perfectly normal. Last thing either of us would want is a clingy spouse! Because of his job and - fortunately for us - no kids, we have always been able to take off and do our own thing and be independent. He would be fine without me, as I would without him, which I think is healthy.

It does sound like he has lost a bit of interest in you from what you are saying. Is he in his 50’s? I think a lot of men start to have the “is this it” thoughts once the kids have gone. They are usually stressed as hell at work, have had enough and run to their cave emotionally. To be honest I find relationships a bit dull after a while so it can happen.

i think I’m at the opposite end of the scale, I’m thinking is my relationship right for me and should I get married or will I regret it.
12 years together with 2 young kids, we’re not married but he wants to in the future. I’m having second thoughts already and know if we were to get married i don’t think we would last.

I've been married 43 years. I've never really thought about emotional need at this stage and do not think my husband would want me to be speaking and acting the way we were as a younger couple. We crack jokes, laugh, plan what we're going to do, eat, etc. and get on with that either individually or together. We think of ourselves more as a partnership that is still raising and supporting the next two generations as they go through their own trials and tribulations and need our help. We're a firm, so to speak, dealing with events, good and bad, which sweep us along. Maybe in a few years, you'll also think of your marriage in the same way. It takes on a different complexion as you get older.

Our marriage has always been good and my dh is an extremely intelligent and capable person.. He works very hard, is reliable, does his fair share at home and is an extremely good father.

Yes, married for over 20 years and could have written the above. I think I have changed a fair bit over the years and more recently going through the peri-menopause. I think this has been a bit of an eye opener and the rose tinted spectacles have well and truly come off. Our interests are temperament are very different. My dh doesn't seem to experience strong emotions either or this is how it appears and is more prone to talk about practical things. It is lack of emotional connection that most bothers me. It is all very well viewing it as a firm and I suppose I do in a way as we have young(ish) dc and work well as a team but I have felt quite lonely in my relationship at times (less lonely currently) and I understand what op has written.

No real advice op, just to say I am receiving therapy and trying to make sense of this.