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Original poster

Never Ending Problems - Dating after 40

28 replies

Nettl · 25/09/2022 21:59

I’ve had the usual problems with OLD (sex pests, ghosting etc). I’ve met a few people, had a couple of flings that fizzled out and finally met a guy that I liked and was suitable, nice, good job, no young kids. I decided to wait to dtd as I thought the relationship had legs. After a few goes it appears that he can’t maintain an erection, I am just so disappointed. Not just because of the lack of sex but because it makes me feel unattractive and is denting my self esteem. I just feeling like calling it quits and giving up on the hope of finding a fulfilling relationship. How long is it worth pursuing OLD for?

OP posts:
zonky · 25/09/2022 23:54

Has he discussed his issue with not being able to hold an erection?

nuttynotty · 26/09/2022 00:05

Has he been to the doctors about it?

If not I wouldn't stick around personally unless everything else about him was amazing.

If he won't talk about it with you, I'd definitely be done.

SettingsO · 26/09/2022 00:21

Viagra?

Original poster
Nettl · 26/09/2022 13:36

No he hasn’t been to the doctors, I’m not keen on suggesting any medication. I somehow find it a bit insulting that he would need that with me. I guess we are not compatible.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/09/2022 13:55

Not just because of the lack of sex but because it makes me feel unattractive and is denting my self esteem

If a relative stranger's penis is your guide for how well to judge yourself, your self esteem is the problem, not the penis or the man on the end of it.

Watchkeys · 26/09/2022 13:57

I somehow find it a bit insulting that he would need that with me

Because you feel that all men should be able to maintain an erection for you, regardless of any previous penile disfunction, and despite any level of understanding or empathy from you?

Wow.

Shittytittybangbang · 26/09/2022 14:09

I think you would be surprised how many men have ED.these days. it probably won’t be because you are unattractive or because he doesn’t fancy you. It seems like it’s epidemic proportions these days- not sure if availability of every kind of porn thattakes away the urge and that fantasy is better than the real thing? I would speak to him about viagra and give it a go

Original poster
Nettl · 26/09/2022 16:15

Thanks I will take this on board. I am sympathetic but I don’t think it helps that I watched a Jimmy Carr Netflix special last night. He said to a woman in the audience ‘I’m going to go soft on you, like every man that’s seen you naked’, just made me think how men behave. He does tell me I’m beautiful, sexually attractive etc but actions speak louder than words!

OP posts:
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 26/09/2022 16:27

Ask him, is this something that's been going on a while? I'd guess so. Which means its NOT YOU!

He has a medical issue that can be very easily remedied. Or.... nerves.

Speak to the guy!!

shivermetimbers77 · 26/09/2022 16:33

How old is he OP? Erectile dysfunction is pretty common in men after 40 and not a sign that he doesn’t find you attractive.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 26/09/2022 17:01

Nettl · 26/09/2022 13:36

No he hasn’t been to the doctors, I’m not keen on suggesting any medication. I somehow find it a bit insulting that he would need that with me. I guess we are not compatible.

It’s a him and age thing (and possibly a performance anxiety thing as well), try suggesting the meds and forget about Jimmy Carr jokes

Whatabambam · 26/09/2022 17:55

It's not a reflection on you and if you can't talk about sex openly with him then you are not in the right relationship/you have yet to mature yourself. I am sure he is mortified and doesn't need you to make him feel any worse. If you don't like it then let him find someone else with more compassion.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2022 18:03

Watchkeys · 26/09/2022 13:55

Not just because of the lack of sex but because it makes me feel unattractive and is denting my self esteem

If a relative stranger's penis is your guide for how well to judge yourself, your self esteem is the problem, not the penis or the man on the end of it.

I absolutely agree with this.

I have never understand the posts that say 'x doesn't want sex with me, therefore I feel unattractive.' What? Why does it necessarily have anything ti do with you?

MissMaple82 · 26/09/2022 18:59

Nettl · 26/09/2022 13:36

No he hasn’t been to the doctors, I’m not keen on suggesting any medication. I somehow find it a bit insulting that he would need that with me. I guess we are not compatible.

What?? Your mistake here is that you're seeing at a personal insult, it isn't!! Its a medical problem. Do some research on it instead of making it about you. If he didn't fancy you he wouldn't be wasting his time dating you!!!!!

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 26/09/2022 19:05

Erectile dysfunction in an otherwise healthy person smacks of porn addiction. Id flinging him back into the pond too. Life's to short to deal with a relative strangers addiction issues and lack of impulse control.

AlexaWhatsMyName · 26/09/2022 19:09

Without ED, a man can get a boner even if he doesn't think you're fit.

With attraction, it's a boner with a bonus.

ganvough · 26/09/2022 19:15

Hi Op, why he doesn't get an erection isn't your problem. It could be anything - a medical conditions, performance anxiety, struggling to enjoy sex or how he feels about you. However, it's his job to discuss it with you or work to understand what's going on - not your job to figure it out.

It's still a good enough reason to end things. Sex is important and someone who can't have it and won't offer any reasons as to why not, is not compatible with you. Best to walk away.

CousinKrispy · 26/09/2022 19:21

Oh don't judge him by a Jimmy Carr joke! ED is quite common as men get older.

Your attractiveness comes from inside you, it doesn't have to be proved by a guy having a specific physical reaction. Bodies just don't work the same as we age, but we can still have love and sex and fun.

Kenny69 · 26/09/2022 19:24

Life's to short to deal with a relative strangers addiction issues and lack of impulse control

so if this situation was that a woman was suffering form vaginal dryness and needed to use lube to be able to have PIV sex comfortably man should just walk away as she is clearly not aroused enough?

Watchkeys · 26/09/2022 20:15

Kenny69 · 26/09/2022 19:24

Life's to short to deal with a relative strangers addiction issues and lack of impulse control

so if this situation was that a woman was suffering form vaginal dryness and needed to use lube to be able to have PIV sex comfortably man should just walk away as she is clearly not aroused enough?

Yes, if she's not willing to discuss it or look for a remedy, and expected OP to guess what was going on and be ok with it.

nuttynotty · 28/09/2022 08:47

Kenny69 · 26/09/2022 19:24

Life's to short to deal with a relative strangers addiction issues and lack of impulse control

so if this situation was that a woman was suffering form vaginal dryness and needed to use lube to be able to have PIV sex comfortably man should just walk away as she is clearly not aroused enough?

Yes if she wanted to, that's her choice.
No one is entitled to sex from another despite what the Incels are telling you

Original poster
Nettl · 28/09/2022 12:46

We are well matched in other areas so it is a shame. I’m seeing him tomorrow if we get it on I will have a chat after about the issue (I’m hoping that the problem doesn’t happen and there will be no need for a chat).

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 28/09/2022 14:18

Try not to let the flaccidity or spasticity of his penis be the arbiter of your esteem.

zonky · 28/09/2022 14:28

@Watchkeys

Plus, you're not too far off the menopause...it could wreak havoc with your libido...

Naunet · 28/09/2022 14:31

zonky · 28/09/2022 14:28

@Watchkeys

Plus, you're not too far off the menopause...it could wreak havoc with your libido...

All the more reason not to settle for unfulfilling sex now then.