Step Daughter has been told lies about me - don’t know what to do

[Levitating]

I’m in a situation that has been ongoing for over 4 and a half years now. I had hoped / thought things would get better with time, but they haven’t so far. It’s been like two steps forwards and three backwards.

I’m at a loss at how to handle things ongoing. There is a lot of relevant background to this, so please bear with me and apologies if the info comes out in a random order.

When I met my partner he had been separated a while, his divorce was ongoing and his daughter was 12 - she’s now 16.

I am divorced with two similar aged children, both of whom wanted me to meet a new partner. Initially my partner’s daughter seemed happy when he told her he’d met me, but that quickly changed when her Mum found out he was in a relationship with me.

When he tried to progress his divorce - initially via mediation - his Ex wife became very difficult (putting it mildly), despite the fact they’d been separated for 5 years and she had had at least two other relationships (which were kept secret from their daughter). During this time he was supporting his Ex financially.

His daughter was then told all sorts of lies about me and made to feel very guilty if she had anything to do with me and my children. So, despite meeting up quite a few times successfully over the past four years, we are not much further on with getting to know each other.

I have always invited her to things and included her in outings, holidays, family meals etc and she rarely reciprocates.

She believes whatever her Mum has told her and is very reluctant to see us. She seems to think I am responsible for her parents divorce and that they could have divorced amicably if I had not ‘meddled’ in it. Exactly what is meant by that isn’t clear - no specifics forthcoming when he asks what is meant by that.

Things have degenerated recently to the point where I’m feeling I shouldn’t even suggest we try to meet up and that I should cease trying to build a relationship with her, stop sending her Birthday and Christmas cards and gifts etc and just withdraw.

Some more background:

The divorce was drawn out, bitter and his Ex became verbally and physically abusive. It ended up in court for both finances and child arrangements because she refused to negotiate and seemed hell-bent of ‘destroying’ him both financially and his relationship with his daughter.

Eventually, 18 months ago, the divorce concluded, the family home sold etc. His Ex now has a lovely flat in a very desirable area, no mortgage, a second investment property, a good job and a large pension. She doesn’t have any reason to feel hard done by in terms of her financial outcome.

My partner came out of the divorce with very little. He became very depressed, suicidal and had a breakdown at a couple of points. He basically gave up trying to get a reasonable settlement, other than a clean break (she fought against this) and he couldn’t fight on trying to get child arrangements in place either.

He pays over £350 a month Child Maintenance plus about £150 extra a month for other school-related costs and also other things like his daughter’s phone, money into her trust fund etc. He takes her out for meals, takes her away on holiday. He’s a kind, thoughtful and generous father. And yet…

His daughter doesn’t see the stress and pain her Dad went through. As far as she’s concerned, he abandoned her and her Mum and didn’t give them any money (an absolute lie, which he’s tried repeatedly to prove wrong). And I’m the evil-meddling-would-be-StepMum.

His Ex badmouths both of us to friends, family and anyone who will listen - in front of his Daughter and directly to her. The things we are supposed to have done / not done are outrageous, lies and extreme manipulations of what actually happened.

His Ex has said she wants me to apologise to her for ‘meddling’ in their divorce and their Daughter seems to agree with that. I have no intention of doing so because she is a bully and I feel she’s trying to get a rise out of me so she can ‘prove’ what a horrible person I am.

My partner and I now live together, but it took a while to get to this point, owing to the situation. His daughter currently will not visit him in our home (even though she did quite a few times before he actually moved in with me).

He sees his Daughter as often as possible (days/times dictated by his Ex), usually just for the day and takes her on trips away during the school holidays. He speaks to his Daughter every day and they text constantly. Their relationship otherwise is good and close. That’s the part which really doesn’t make sense. She doesn’t hate him, she says she loves him very often. It is odd that she doesn’t see what he went through and believes the lies about abandonment and lack of financial support.

Anyway…

They met up for lunch today and she was still repeating stuff about me which isn’t true (he tried to refute / explain of course). She has said (again) that she doesn’t want to see me or my children.

So what do I do?

Just give up?
Stop trying?
No contact at all?

In effect she’s slandering you if she’s stating things that aren’t true and cause you harm ( as opposed to her opinion “I don’t like her”) so I suppose you could get a lawyer to send her a cease and desist letter. I’m not sure if this would make things better or worse tho as I don’t know her.
You have my sympathy, my exh had an ex wife who was the Wicked Witch of the West’s twin.

I think that is exactly the kind of response she would enjoy, given all the histrionics over the two court cases. Unfortunately that would definitely make matters worse. She’d love the drama and absolutely wouldn’t comply.

I’ve managed so far to have no contact with his Ex at all. I’d rather keep it that way, given the abusive communications she sent (and still occasionally) sends my partner.

But thank you for reading and making a suggestion.
x

Jesus, step right back. No contact at all. You’re trying to push water up hill and it’s never going to work.

All you can is protect yourself. That means setting your own clear boundaries which include telling him you don’t want to hear anything nasty she or her horrible mother has to say about you. You don’t need that shit in your head and it’s not anyone any good. If he needs to offload he can talk to a mate or pay a professional. You’ve put up with way too much already.

Are you absolutely sure he’s worth all the angst and drama? Do you have form for rescuing people in distress? None of this is going to improve with time. I wonder if you’re prepared for it to get worse over the years ahead, what about if she has children and he’s a conflicted grandpa? She gets married and you’re not invited? Hopefully that’s many years off but it sounds like your entire relationship has been beset by incessant pain and suffering, it’s the two of you against the world. When have you had time to just have fun and enjoy each other’s company? What impact has all this had on your own children?

Keep inviting her to things, keep trying to be nice to her - at some point in the future, she might see the truth and be grateful to have you there.

Don't force meetings, or disagree with her mothers words. Just gently explain the truth, when needed and be there in the background.

It is a long game and this strategy is least stress.

We’ve managed somehow to cut off all the crap going on and still have a life. It affects him more than me, in that he sometimes feels he’s living ‘two lives’. The divorce was awful and life is much much better now. Living together is lovely.

Ive often thought about the future and his Daughter remaining separate from us and, honestly, I do think I can live with that. The kids are all only a couple of years off flying the nest anyway.

I love him and I want a future with him and left to our own devices we are happy and life is peaceful. Granted, there’s a part missing, but I

Pressed post to early…

I think that life / relationships are never perfect anyway.

Sounds hard.

You've born the brunt of his abandonment of his family.

His next relationship should be easier.

@PineOrange WTF? Is there any need? How did he abandon his family? People get divorced all the time and it's ok for the ex to have relationships but not the dad?

Op ignore people like this as Mumsnet is notorious for hating stepMums.

I'm a stepmum myself and if I were you I'd step right back and have no relationship with her, she's old enough to make up her own mind now so let her carry on with her nastiness and believing the shit her mum feeds her. Tell dh he is free to have a relationship with her but you're done until she decides to be a nicer person.

Foxylass - I want to carry on but I’ve been wondering if trying actually makes things worse?

This Summer I booked a holiday for us all (three years running) and she didn’t come yet again. It was disappointing and we couldn’t really afford it (too late to refund once she confirmed she wasn’t coming). After three tries I think I’m not going to bother doing that again.

I’m wondering how she will feel if we stop asking? Relieved? That the pressure is off? Disappointed? Annoyed?

I buy her gifts for Birthdays and Christmas and it’s always awkward as she has to hide them from her Mum. I tend now to get vouchers to make it easier. I have never received a thank you.

I think I’m just tired of trying and feeling that maybe we should just accept the situation and try to move forward.

Your partner needs to shut down the conversation with her. He must make any reference to you unacceptable. If his DD continues he has to have a strategy to end the conversation. You need to stop bothering. Send her Christmas cards etc but otherwise dont bother. Let him be her father and let your DP be your partner. When she grows up and sees life more as an adult she may want to approach you but otherwise she's his problem not yours. Save yourself the grief. Keep out of all the drama and in fact stop allowing g DP to drag you further in wrt his ex

Fwiw, I agree with @Foxylass but none of the other posters (so far).

At the end of the day, someone your DH loves very much is hurting.

He needs to be consistent in his approach (loving, refuting any facts that are wrong, with evidence where possible).
And so should you.

I'd not recommend you try too hard, because you're flogging a dead horse atm, but you're in this for the long haul, so keep giving it time.

Encourage his contact with her, keep making the offers, yes to Christmas and birthday presents.
Hopefully one day she'll realise

Yup I’m well aware there are people who will post crap like that… I’ve been on MN 20 years…
🙄

I think you are right about stepping back. Whatever he says, she doesn’t want to know. Somehow the lies are more palatable. It’s bizarre.

@ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner

Do you think because someone gets divorced they do not abandon their families? Does the word divorce negate the act of desertion or casting aside.

What do you think abandonment means ?

I consider a 12 year old is still in need of support, guidance and love at that age with preferably daily contact and cohabitation to reinforce the parental bonds, old fashioned views and not necessarily in the best inetrests of the self absorbed adults.

You say he was separated when he met you, so this man left to be on his own and deserted his child, for his own company no less.

Sounds like abandonment to me.
Mind you he nearly lasted 12 years.

Hopefully this relationship will be more durable op.

I’ve had quite a bit of this (with younger kids) but I also had it as a child myself with my grandparents and step mum.

There are a few things I’d do:

1. be whiter than white. As tempting as it can be to call Mum an absolute cretin, stay calm, stay civil, don’t bite.
2. the same goes for DH. DD starts talking about it, cut it dead and move on. He is fuelling the drama train, DD will go home and tell Mum, Mum will stir, it’s all fuelling the favour. He must learn some simple lines for ‘this isn’t a topic I wish to discuss’ or ‘this is a conversation your Mum should have with me, it’s not for you to worry about’.
3. I wouldn’t cut DD out, but I wouldn’t make an effort either. Dad should buy and give gifts. Dad should pay for holiday. She hurts anyone it’s Dad. She should be slowly exposed to that in order to learn.
4. Don’t engage with the ex at all. You don’t need to. Absolute silence is really annoying when you thrive on drama and they get bored and go elsewhere.
5. I had a similar thing with bad mouthing to friends, and then I realised that most people aren’t stupid enough to believe there’s no smoke without fire. They are just paying her lip service. But deep down if they’ve been separated for five years no one is going to look at it and think ‘oh yeah she totally wrecked their marriage’

You and DH need to team up,
make a plan and stick to it. Do not go outside of the plan, do not relent. High boundaries is the only thing you can do to protect you both and also his daughter. She will keep believing this is normal if it keeps being entertained.

Step right back OP.
You're not going to win her over....yet.

Her Mother has poisoned her mind against you.
Hopefully when she's more mature, she may realise the truth.

Live your life with your Husband and live it well.

Oh OP you’re a better person than I am because I’d have given up trying a long time ago.

What do you do? You say to your DP “I love you, your daughter will always be welcome here if she wishes to be part of our family but for now, whilst she doesn’t want that then I am no longer willing to be involved with it. I’ll support you and be here for you, but my part in trying to get your daughter to like me and my kids is over”

and then you stop facilitating holidays, presents, invitations etc. I am not saying acting like she doesn’t exist but your DH is responsible for her, not you. His time with her is his time.

Also he doesn’t need to come home after seeing her and tell you all the shitty things she is saying about you. Why is he doing that? That needs to stop.

Really he should be saying to her “enough”. She is almost an adult, she is old enough to hear some home truths about the divorce and her parents relationships. He’s allowing this bullshit to continue to appease his own (unnecessary?) guilt and sacrificing you in the meantime.

step back now, you can’t change it. you’ll be a lot happier focusing on your own kids without the drama.

Stop sending her things from you, you’re an established couple, he should put your name on the cards and gifts he gives/sends. Why hasn’t he suggested that?

Absolutely stop the holidays. That’s money you’re wasting and taking away from your own children who are relying on you. He takes her away by himself, that’s plenty.

How much has the effort you’ve been making been your idea - trying to rise above the shit and win her over - and how much his - win her over and pretend all is normal and well?

He can’t expect anything of you after the years of character assassination you’ve tolerated and he should accept your decision to step away and leave her to him on his own.

Sometimes you have to say fuck the high road, it’ll lead to misery, and do what makes you happy.

OP, you seem to be carrying a lot of the burden of care, both for your DH with depression and your DSD, by organising holidays, presents etc for her.

It could be that your DSD wants actions from her Dad to show his love. Wants time from him, presents thoughtfully chosen from him, holidays arranged by him with her preferences/likes in mind and you stepping back could actually be the best thing you could do for their relationship.

Having a depressed father must be very hard for a teenager who has also witnessed a distressing break-up, court battle, and her parents forging new relationships with both adults and new step-siblings.

His relationship with his daughter must be on his shoulders to build, it is something you simply cannot fix and when their relationship is (hopefully) stronger I believe that will allow the relationship with you to grow, but it's likely to take time and lots of it, so be prepared for years of difficulty and think hard about whether you want to put yourself and your kids through that.

He does spend time with her - as much as his Ex will ‘allow’ - and he does give her thoughtful gifts - actually more often than I do my own kids. Basically every time he goes anywhere interesting he buys her a little something.

He takes medication for depression and isn’t obviously so any more. When he was he hid it from his Daughter. Unlike his Ex who was always crying and threatening to kill herself.

I agree the Birthday and Christmas gifts should now be from both of us, but I didn’t really think about that before - living together makes a difference, you are correct.

We are not married, although we often talk about it. He isn’t prepared to get married without her ‘blessing’. Which I accept may never come. I take any talk of marriage with a pinch of salt frankly. Having been married before, I don’t think it’s the most important thing. Having a home together IS though.

I forgot to mention the holidays…

To clarify - I have attempted three times to include her in a holiday booked for my kids and him. Three times she’s refused to come with us.

In between my DP has booked additional holidays away with her - several times. This last summer she went away overseas with her Mum and cousins, away with a friend overseas for a week (I think my DO paid for the flights) and then had a week away with my DP somewhere nice in the UK. He has already booked to go away with her at half term. She’s not short on holidays…

So I think I’m concluding that it doesn't seem to matter how much we throw at this, it makes no difference…. No matter how much we try to include her, plan holidays together or separately, buy stuff, my DP being in contact daily telling her he loves her, she’s still believing her Mum.

I think I am quietly raising a (tiny) white flag and withdrawing.

Children are pretty selfish creatures, just as you have totted up his ex wives worth and her abundant good luck in buying a flat and a rental property, so has his daughter totted up her losses of not having a resident father.

Your partner must feel pulled in different directions, he must feel guilt, any man would. Usually within the family unit the father is the higher earner and for a child to understand (she is 16) that that could also mean future losses.

Many a time I have seen this dynamic whereby people divorce, split assets and then the parents future wealth is combined with the next partner. In many of those cases when the father dies, the wealth is passed directly onto to the new partner/wife and upon her death money is then bypassed onto her children.

Not saying this will be your situation but god I've seen it happen so many times.

The daughter is grieving many things about her past, present and future.
And she sees you as the fault and reason, I believe in this particular case especially as you say you have been accused of involevment of the financials.
Your annoyance at her settlement seems to back this assumption up.

It must be one of the hardest things being a step parent, it takes fantastic diplomacy skills and patience but I think you're flogging a dead horse here op.

Maybe when she is older and in a relationship herself she may mellow but for now I'd back off and leave your husband to continue his relationship with his daughter himself.

Sometimes you just can't have everything, as it seems all parties in this scenario are coming to grips with.

That wasn’t annoyance - I was just illustrating the fact that she has no reason (in financial terms) to feel she came out of her divorce badly, and that their Daughter is more than adequately supported. Why his Ex lies about this is beyond me. It can be proved.

The only divorce outcome in the end that was important was the clean break - since not having that would have meant she could continue demanding indefinitely.

You probably won’t want to believe me, partly because it’s such a cliche, but she really is one of those women who treats a Husband like an ATM.

I have my own home and my own money. So him doing better out of the divirce wasn’t actually that much of a concern.

If inheritance ever comes up, I think we should offer the shirt off his back…

Of course the glaringly obvious thing is that her Mum just needs to STFU about the divorce and move forward positively. Then we’d have half a chance of building a relationship.

Can’t see that happening in a hurry.

I take your point about his Daughter’s grief - I have often considered this. But as far as I can see her Parents should be helping her. My DP tries his best.

Shocklingly his Ex has always blocked any attempts to get their Daughter the counselling she obviously needs.

I would back off. She is 16 and taking her mums side. I would let her. In a couple of years maybe she will understand. Listen to your side even. I would continue to have your name on cards etc as you are a couple but leave her to it. Maybe she will realise she has made it harder than it needs to be. Maybe it would have been wiser to live apart for a few more years until she was older but I guess your partner can still make an effort doing other things with her.