Step Daughter has been told lies about me - don’t know what to do

[Levitating]

I’m in a situation that has been ongoing for over 4 and a half years now. I had hoped / thought things would get better with time, but they haven’t so far. It’s been like two steps forwards and three backwards.

I’m at a loss at how to handle things ongoing. There is a lot of relevant background to this, so please bear with me and apologies if the info comes out in a random order.

When I met my partner he had been separated a while, his divorce was ongoing and his daughter was 12 - she’s now 16.

I am divorced with two similar aged children, both of whom wanted me to meet a new partner. Initially my partner’s daughter seemed happy when he told her he’d met me, but that quickly changed when her Mum found out he was in a relationship with me.

When he tried to progress his divorce - initially via mediation - his Ex wife became very difficult (putting it mildly), despite the fact they’d been separated for 5 years and she had had at least two other relationships (which were kept secret from their daughter). During this time he was supporting his Ex financially.

His daughter was then told all sorts of lies about me and made to feel very guilty if she had anything to do with me and my children. So, despite meeting up quite a few times successfully over the past four years, we are not much further on with getting to know each other.

I have always invited her to things and included her in outings, holidays, family meals etc and she rarely reciprocates.

She believes whatever her Mum has told her and is very reluctant to see us. She seems to think I am responsible for her parents divorce and that they could have divorced amicably if I had not ‘meddled’ in it. Exactly what is meant by that isn’t clear - no specifics forthcoming when he asks what is meant by that.

Things have degenerated recently to the point where I’m feeling I shouldn’t even suggest we try to meet up and that I should cease trying to build a relationship with her, stop sending her Birthday and Christmas cards and gifts etc and just withdraw.

Some more background:

The divorce was drawn out, bitter and his Ex became verbally and physically abusive. It ended up in court for both finances and child arrangements because she refused to negotiate and seemed hell-bent of ‘destroying’ him both financially and his relationship with his daughter.

Eventually, 18 months ago, the divorce concluded, the family home sold etc. His Ex now has a lovely flat in a very desirable area, no mortgage, a second investment property, a good job and a large pension. She doesn’t have any reason to feel hard done by in terms of her financial outcome.

My partner came out of the divorce with very little. He became very depressed, suicidal and had a breakdown at a couple of points. He basically gave up trying to get a reasonable settlement, other than a clean break (she fought against this) and he couldn’t fight on trying to get child arrangements in place either.

He pays over £350 a month Child Maintenance plus about £150 extra a month for other school-related costs and also other things like his daughter’s phone, money into her trust fund etc. He takes her out for meals, takes her away on holiday. He’s a kind, thoughtful and generous father. And yet…

His daughter doesn’t see the stress and pain her Dad went through. As far as she’s concerned, he abandoned her and her Mum and didn’t give them any money (an absolute lie, which he’s tried repeatedly to prove wrong). And I’m the evil-meddling-would-be-StepMum.

His Ex badmouths both of us to friends, family and anyone who will listen - in front of his Daughter and directly to her. The things we are supposed to have done / not done are outrageous, lies and extreme manipulations of what actually happened.

His Ex has said she wants me to apologise to her for ‘meddling’ in their divorce and their Daughter seems to agree with that. I have no intention of doing so because she is a bully and I feel she’s trying to get a rise out of me so she can ‘prove’ what a horrible person I am.

My partner and I now live together, but it took a while to get to this point, owing to the situation. His daughter currently will not visit him in our home (even though she did quite a few times before he actually moved in with me).

He sees his Daughter as often as possible (days/times dictated by his Ex), usually just for the day and takes her on trips away during the school holidays. He speaks to his Daughter every day and they text constantly. Their relationship otherwise is good and close. That’s the part which really doesn’t make sense. She doesn’t hate him, she says she loves him very often. It is odd that she doesn’t see what he went through and believes the lies about abandonment and lack of financial support.

Anyway…

They met up for lunch today and she was still repeating stuff about me which isn’t true (he tried to refute / explain of course). She has said (again) that she doesn’t want to see me or my children.

So what do I do?

Just give up?
Stop trying?
No contact at all?

I am both stepmum, resident mum and stepdaughter.
Coming at this from stepdaughters perspective - my mother told me things that my dad had supposedly done (to this day I don't know if all are true, but I know some where). I was 9. From 10-12 I refused to see him. I would scream at the door when he came to get me and refuse to go. Why? Well, I was terrified of my mother's rejection. I lived with her. I needed her. I needed her love. I wanted to be happy, and a happy mother meant a happy life for me. I didn't really understand any of this at the time. I was mid 20s before it all clicked.
What choice did I have? I had none without risking rejection in my eyes. So I rejected my father as the easiest and safest option.
Eventually my dad backed off. My mum stopped dripping quite so much poison. And bit by bit I started to see him again.
To this day my relationship with both parents isn't great. My mum wasn't maternal, but hated my dad so much that she was willing to sacrifice me for her hatred. My dad probably deserved a lot of that hate. I probably only see my mum 3 or 4 times a year for a few hours at a time. I do talk to her to keep her updated on the grandchildren or our lives. She has helped me in various ways over the years, but she remains at arms length with not much affection towards me. My dad sort of forgets about me until he remembers because I text him. I see him at Christmas and sometimes in spring or summer. For a couple of hours. Very little affection from him either.
My nan summed it up recently. She said "I really don't know what happened. Both your parents fought so hard over you, you were so loved. Now neither of them seem to be bothered about you". Yeah. She is right. They both spent thousands and many years in court. But it wasn't love. It was hate for each other and I was the pawn.
They still do it to this day. I'm 37. It's been 28 years... every time I speak to one they criticise the other.
Why am I saying all this? Because you can't do anything about it. Don't worry about it, don't stress. She will figure it all out. As long as the relationship remains unfractured with her dad, and you are friendly and warm at any encounters then she will not remain under mums control forever. Unfortunately my dad didn't persist so the relationship was fractured and really isn't repairable. He was absent from my life in too many ways. Your partner sounds like he is doing his best to be there for his daughter so I'm sure it will work out over the next few years as she flies the nest.

@Cocokitty Thank you - and I’m very sorry about how it turned out for you x

I think you see it very clearly. The hatred thing being somehow worth more. So many instances where help could have been given and the focus was on ‘the battle’ instead.

I’m determined not to be sucked any more into it, which is why I have never retaliated / never contacted his Ex, even though I’d love to scream at her. The injustice. I’ve always been convinced that’s exactly what she wants me to do and then…. there it is: I’m vile and she’s a victim.

I just need to deal with how I feel about false accusations away from the Circus, so to speak.

As a stepmother now I too have a little 5 year old dsd who I see the exact same things happening to. Just this weekend DP told me that when he collected her she had been screaming for 45 minutes and refused to eat dinner at her mums because she didn't want to come here. He was so upset and it was heartbreaking to think of him faced with it at collection. As soon as he managed to get her in the car ( because 5 year olds can be picked up and put in the car, not so older children!) she stopped as soon as he drove off. This is not a one off (although this is the worst he has described to me). She is absolutely fine once mum is out of sight.
Dp is very maternal almost, he does everything both a mum and dad would do. There is no reason for her to feel that she shouldn't be with dad. He does all the same that her mum does with just as much love. She has her own room, her own toys, her own clothes here with us even though she only gets to come here EOW and half of all holidays. She doesn't have to live her life in a case, or feel out of place.
Dp had to go out for a haircut on Saturday morning and dsd climbed in to bed with me (because the cat was sitting with me whilst I had a morning cup of tea!). We sat and stroked the cat whilst I talked about the things she could do with daddy that weekend. She then told me that her sister had a dad too but he didn't want to see her (true, her sister doesn't see her dad but we don't know why). I explained that was the same as my boys, there dad didn't want to see them because he was very silly and hadn't grown up to be a good man. You could see the little cogs going in her mind at this. She said "my daddy sees me though". I agreed, and said she was a lucky girl with a mummy, a daddy and me who all loved her. She instantly said "I don't know why I didn't want to come. I love daddy". I told her my story (in child friendly terms) of how I didn't want to see my daddy when I was little because my mum didn't want me to go. But that now I am older I realise that my mum just missed me (she didn't, but it seemed a better explanation than she just hated my dad that much!). She said "my mummy misses me too and says she wishes I didn't have to go. She said it is up to me whether I come to daddy's house or not". I just said well that is for you to talk to daddy about. She then said "remember when we made a card for daddy and I did a handprint on it, can we do one again now that says I love daddy". So we made the card and she was so pleased with it! So was her dad!
So yep, mummy is saying things to dsd to make poor dsd feel she has to choose. No surprise. But all we can do is play the long game. DP has had to spend almost all of her 5 years in court because her mum simply wanted a baby without a man involved. Unfortunately for her, DP wanted to be as involved as he possibly could. So unless DP just walked away there is nothing he can do other than just love his child and hope for the best.

By the way I have been in dsds life since she was a baby as DP and his ex were barely in a relationship. They dated for a few weeks. She got pregnant then dumped him quickly. I met him when she was very small and he was trying to get access amicably. So dsd has never known mum and dad together. Yet she still seems to be afraid to hug me or show me any affection. She is not like that with other family, whether it dps family or mine. She is definitely told things about me (untrue things!). When she forgets herself she will give me the biggest hug. She is just afraid to upset mum. So I don't take any of it to heart. I just carry on being me and doing my own thing. It doesn't affect me after all.

Stop wasting money on holidays. If you’re paying for them especially. Send a card if that’s what you usually do, otherwise step back.

she has a mum and her dad, let them buy her presents. Carry on inviting her to yours - you know she won’t come so it’s no inconvenience- but don’t invite her to anything that requires you buying tickets or spending money.

you can slickly navigate your way back out of this.

Just take a step back OP. I was 14 when my parents divorced I had no interest in blending families or developing a relationship with my SM. It wasn't personal I was never vile to her but I just wasn't interested in a new family .It was not until I was 19 or 20 that we started speaking more. My relationship is more with my dad not with SM but I appreciate she makes him happy and that's all anyone can want.

You seem to think you're being nice but it's like you're not listening to her.

I agree you need to back right off and acknowledge the reality that the relationship is fraught and distanced instead of continuously expecting her to play happy families when she's made it clear she isn't comfortable with that. Of course she doesn't want to go on holiday with you and your kids, fs. Can't you see it from her perspective? She lost her dad and now he's playing dad to your kids.

Honestly I feel sorry for kids today it's all about the parents.

You are good for trying your best with your SD.

However, from the SDs perspective, she has lost her family and trapped in not being able to 'mourn for the family unit she had previously known" and move on, and you trying to include her into a new blended family doesn't work, and is probably what she doesn't want.

You aren't responsible for her parents breaking up, but she sees you as the competitor for her dad's attention because he lives with you every day.

Take a step back and be out of the picture for a while. She needs counseling

Also, she is angry that she has to share " her dad" with your kids.

*They met up for lunch today and she was still repeating stuff about me
which isn’t true (he tried to refute / explain of course). She has said
(again) that she doesn’t want to see me or my children.

So what do I do?

Just give up?
Stop trying?
No contact at all?*

She clearly doesn't want anything to do with you, and I suppose you arn't really bothered about that other than your probable worry that it will have an effect on your relationship with her dad.

Are you worried he may think this situation will never resolve and feel he may pull away from you, his depression it seems maybe related to not just his upset about the financial settlement' they may be dampening down his feeling about this whole dynamic.

In your first post you say they separated 5 years before you met the daughter, so she was 7 ?
That's quite a long time for her to not have adjusted to her father's departure.

Nothing you can do is going to change things so tbh at this at age I would just stop. By all means send presents if you want to but I certainly wouldn’t be booking holidays for her. I work mainly with high conflict separated parents, less often with the kids, but my take on this would be that she is in the classic situation where her dad left and she cannot afford to alienate the parent who is left. She will not challenge her mum’s views or opinions as if she does so her mum might reject her too (and yes I know your partner hasn’t rejected her but a parent leaving is usually viewed as such by a child regardless of any continuing relationship). She might change her mind as an adult with some more life experience but right now try and get her out of your head and leave your partner to maintain their relationship however he wants.

Just maybe she doesn't like you and doesn't want to have a relationship with you. Just because you are with her dad doesn't mean she has to have a relationship with you. That's her choice. As a child in this exact same position I never liked my dad's girlfriend and didn't want a relationship with her. She's old enough to make her own choices. As long as she's polite to you and you back leave it at that. There's nothing worse than trying to force a relationship on a teenager. My dad's girlfriend was never my step mum - she was my dad's girlfriend. I didn't need another mum whether it was step or any other description.

@HowVeryBizarre Can you point me to some literature/research on this at all? I posted the exact same thing about my situation earlier in the thread from the child's POV. It took me to my mid 20's to realise why I did what I did. But I have never heard of anyone talking about this before and felt like it was just me. I'd be really interested to understand more. Thank you!

Further clarifications in response to comments above…

Firstly it was actually her Mum who left and took her Daughter with her, while she was having an affair which was kept secret. My partner did not abandon them. She moved out of the family home and rented a flat 100 miles away, moved her school. Eventually the affair failed and then she tried to move back in two years later.

My partner stayed in the family home and had two lodgers to afford the mortgage. He moved out when she returned after her affair had failed.

Initialy he lived nearby them but once the divorce finances were settled he could not afford to rent in the area and there wasn’t enough money to buy anything. It wasn’t just moving away to be near me - it was about money. His Daughter has been told these facts of course.

Re: she was 7 when they separated. Yes - officially - correct. Although actually they were never really a normal family. It was always high conflict and they didn’t do many family things together, due to constant arguments. There was one family holiday (she was 2 I think) and my DP said they argued and so it was never repeated. My DP says that the relationship was always difficult and that they nearly split up before she was born, when she was 2, 4 and eventually 7. They spent a lot of time apart, due to her job and while she was little kind of tag-teamed her care.

It breaks my heart that he has tried several times, in mediation, at school and through court to get his DD some counselling and his Ex blocks it every time. It is clear she desperately needs it.

@HowVeryBizarre Yes - very succinctly put - I think you are correct.

I’ve always felt we are probably waiting for several things to happen: maturity / critical thinking, for her to leave home (very likely to go to Uni at 18), for her to talk to a trusted person with a balanced view and/or probably for her to have a conflict with her Mother over something important like a boy/girlfriend, career choice or similar (once she starts to make her own choices in life and disagrees with her Mum she’s likely to see how controlling and abusive she is).

Until this point, and yes I do realise that may never come, we are probably just waiting and need to get on with the normal and happy parts of our lives together (there are many).

My kids get on very well with my DP and have tried to be understanding and kind with his Daughter.

I did wonder why another poster assumed he left her when the information hadn't even been included in any of your previous posts.

I wonder if her mum though that she'd be able to pick things back up with her dad when her affair failed and turned nasty when she realised she couldn't.

@tinglymint Correct. She thought she could just move back into the family home, but my DP had had enough and moved out into a flat nearby (which he couldn’t actually afford), at less than two weeks notice.

Once she realised it was not going to happen she became really destructive and abusive. When he continued progressing the divorce (which SHE had originally wanted!) she basically decided to ‘destroy’ him, even to the point of mocking him when he said in mediation he felt suicidal. This was followed up with many abusive emails and texts.

It’s interesting that people just assumed he’d left.

My response was looking at it from his child’s perspective. A 7yo doesn’t understand who left who in the relationship, as far as they are concerned if one parent isn’t there in the morning they have left. I have often had children tell me “daddy left” (it was rarer to hear “mummy left” but it did happen) where I knew from the adults involved that it wasn’t actually the case.

I was 7 when my parents split the first time and I knew that dad left my mum, which I know to be true as an adult (from both parents POV). Second time round aged 9 mum left dad and took me with her. My parents made sure I knew who was to blame and exactly what happened. 🥴