Too scared to leave too unhappy to stay

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

Like many others of you out there I have been stuck in a rut. A 17 year relationship, 12 years married, two teenagers, nice house, stable jobs. But I have been lonely, for so long. Ships passing in the night and an hour or two together at most. Eating separately, going to bed at different times, lack of friendship has been building for years. Lack of support in my job and undermining my choice of career in reference to the £’s I earn (about 1/3 of his salary), only affectionate when wanting to “retire to the bedroom” which was at most a rub on the leg or back.

This has resulted in me finally being brave enough to say this isn’t good enough for me back in July.

He’s also said some really hurtful things which I’m struggling to get past. Also a mock interrogation with a lamp on the table and needing to swear to tell the truth of a photo of the children.

since then he’s tried really hard, almost too hard, lengthy messages of love and how he’ll be better, helping so much with housework, trying really hard with the kids. Then coupled with blaming all of this on me going through the menopause, my friendship with a man, his anxiety. To then demanding to go through my phone, sharing photo albums, needing to know passwords.

he thinks this is a surprise and has only come about since the beginning of the year. I have said several times over the years about feeling lonely, our lack of regular sex life has caused arguments over the past 3-4 years yet he maintains I should have said more. I feel he chose not to hear me. Stalemate.

last night he slept on the sofa and said he may do that when he needs to as he said the day times are fine when we’re being friends, but he can’t handle the night times in our bed.

is it so hard to accept that I’m just no longer in love. I won’t fake it, it’s not fair on either of us. I do love him and care about him deeply. Do I want to kiss and cuddle, no. Will I ever again? I don’t know. Is that fair?

Have you considered couples counselling?
It does seem that it’s not completely broken and you both still have feelings. But over the years the relationship has been neglected and resentments built.
Before you call it a day - maybe it’s worth saying if something can be done?

So he's basically accusing you of an affair ?

@Twogorgeousgirls7 I know exactly how your feeling ! Been together 12 years and married for 5 but feel as though it's gone stale, we still have regular sex but I do feel as though I could be happier. The thought of starting over again makes me excited but deep down know I could never do it for the fear of hurting someone I care so much about. But like you say it's not fair on either of you to fake it, life is too short to be unhappy. It may be hard for the first few months for both of you but you'll soon discover happiness again. Do whatever makes you happy. Sometimes being selfish is the most selfless thing you can in the long run. Good luck !

Don't have couples counselling with an abuser.
Mick interragation - he is trying to belittle and scare you why else would he do that?
Get out of there just as soon as you can.

So today I have solo counselling, I’m going to talk through everything there. He’s spent the past two nights on the sofa, which isn’t going to work clearly. I think I want to suggest a separation. At least then I’ll know if I’ll miss him. I’m scared though, so much upheaval to the kids and I don’t want to hurt him, just don’t think I can carry on like this.

What was he interrogating you about?

it’s good that you know that it is OVER. That alone is progress.

I tried to get the courage to talk to him last night about suggesting me moving out for a little while.

I ended up writing a note to him which he read this morning

He’s really cross, said he has lost respect for me due to sending it rather than saying it. Said whatever really, you do what you need to do.

He then looked me in the eye and said very firmly that the children won’t be going anywhere.

Why doesn’t he go Instead then?

TBH you’re all over so rip off the plaster and call in the lawyers right now.

So the latest is that he doesn’t agree with me moving anywhere, he’s built his “castle” for me and the kids and we should stay here. He’s talking about moving out for a month but will be working from the external office when I’m at work and will come and mow the lawns etc and work in the garage. To give me the “psychological space” I need. Think I just have to let it be his decision though I’m not sure. He thinks the kids need to stay in the house for the next 5 years and it would damage the younger one if I moved out. We have couples counselling on Tuesday. He’s worried that I need a “much higher degree of stability and rational thought before making such a big decision” maybe that month will just give me a bit of headspace?

Also like many others posts I’ve seen on here, he’s gone into superhero mode, insane amounts of housework and laundry that he’s never done before. Is this quite typical?

Think I just have to let it be his decision though I’m not sure.

Why? You're a person. This is your life, why can't you decide and act? Are you so used to him controlling you that you've forgotten you have power and choices?

And why are you going to joint therapy with someone engaging in coercive control? No competent therapist would have agreed to that.

You know that the longer you string this out and delay, the longer you have to spend feeling anxious and uncomfortable instead of just getting it over with and moving forward? Rip the plaster off.

That's very typical of abusers, yes.

It's all about keeping control of you.

Look at the Freedom Programme.

Really try couples counselling as sounds like you both still have lots of feeling's for each other. Life does get dull and hard work in a long marriage the grass isn't always greener and you may make a big mistake. Give it a go then make a decision good luck 👍

He’s worried that I need a “much higher degree of stability and rational thought before making such a big decision”

😡 So obnoxious.

So he's accused you of being crazy. He's accused you of not being able to think of "big" things ie marriage. Hes done a mock interrogation. He tells you that you are not allowed to leave.

DO NOT DO COUPLES COUNSELLING!!!!! That is only for relationships where neither is an abuser. He is abusing you.

You can instigate a new style no fault divorce if that is what you want to do

He cannot stop you

I would also have some counselling on your own

What do you want for the future ?

How old are you ?

Are you menopausal ?

I'm asking, because during the menopause, things that you used to put up with, now make you angry or annoy you, at home, work, in daily life

What has changed for you to be unhappy ?

Life is too short to be unhappy, if you no longer want to be in this marriage do something about it. You don't need his permission to make changes

Do not embark on couples counselling; he will use that to further bash you about the head with. If he can manipulate you, he can certainly manipulate a counsellor into taking his side.

Abuse is NOT a relationship problem. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over both you and your kids.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

I am in the same boat, we have been together 13 years with a 12 Yr old....I want to leave but scared to...my partner accuses me of cheating, if I'm home late from work, I can't go out with friends, moans if I just want to go bed early, can't sit and listen to music, if I have my hair and nails done he thinks I'm doing it for someone else...I just can't breathe. He hasn't worked since 2013 and does nothing...

One of them is here.

I was here , now I ain't

Eek, I feel as though my thread has been taken over by a disagreement. Hope everyone is ok.

So we’ve been to another counselling session today, it was really hard. I’ve managed to say that I think some time living apart is something I feel I need. I have to figure out if the void I’m feeling is due to “us” or “me”. I’m worried that if I just make out everything is ok that ultimately it takes the options out it. Either we work it out or we don’t. The children are being amazing about it and whilst sad, have both said that we deserve to be happy, even if it’s not with each other.

he’s gone to stay at his parents for a few days as they’re away on holiday. He has said that they might not forgive me, nor might my own mother. Also that I need to take a look around every room of the house to realise what I might be losing. There’s a very real chance that “if you move out, I may not want to let you back in through that door” I feel awful.