Too scared to leave too unhappy to stay

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

Like many others of you out there I have been stuck in a rut. A 17 year relationship, 12 years married, two teenagers, nice house, stable jobs. But I have been lonely, for so long. Ships passing in the night and an hour or two together at most. Eating separately, going to bed at different times, lack of friendship has been building for years. Lack of support in my job and undermining my choice of career in reference to the £’s I earn (about 1/3 of his salary), only affectionate when wanting to “retire to the bedroom” which was at most a rub on the leg or back.

This has resulted in me finally being brave enough to say this isn’t good enough for me back in July.

He’s also said some really hurtful things which I’m struggling to get past. Also a mock interrogation with a lamp on the table and needing to swear to tell the truth of a photo of the children.

since then he’s tried really hard, almost too hard, lengthy messages of love and how he’ll be better, helping so much with housework, trying really hard with the kids. Then coupled with blaming all of this on me going through the menopause, my friendship with a man, his anxiety. To then demanding to go through my phone, sharing photo albums, needing to know passwords.

he thinks this is a surprise and has only come about since the beginning of the year. I have said several times over the years about feeling lonely, our lack of regular sex life has caused arguments over the past 3-4 years yet he maintains I should have said more. I feel he chose not to hear me. Stalemate.

last night he slept on the sofa and said he may do that when he needs to as he said the day times are fine when we’re being friends, but he can’t handle the night times in our bed.

is it so hard to accept that I’m just no longer in love. I won’t fake it, it’s not fair on either of us. I do love him and care about him deeply. Do I want to kiss and cuddle, no. Will I ever again? I don’t know. Is that fair?

You need to see a counselor ON YOUR OWN. The couples therapy boat sailed a long time ago.

Secondly, gather all your financial paperwork - tax stuff, pay slips, P60s, pensions, investments, mortgage..... everything. And go and see a competent family solicitor to discuss your options and likely financial settlement.

You may want to read up about divorce at Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies etc to make best use of the consultation. Some family lawyers have a lot of useful information on their websites.

I'm not saying you should definitely divorce - but you want to bat from a position of strengty and knowledge, because he is likely to try and keep you in the dark and pretend that you'll walk away with nothing. Whereas in reality you'll be awarded at least 50% of joint marital assets, and quite likely considerably more.

What @FlowerArranger says about getting informed and organised, OP.
Not because I think you should divorce based on what you've said but because you might not have a choice in it sooner than you think, by the sound of it.
It can be a good thing for you to have some time off, but maybe find a way about it that doesn't burn all your bridges.

The ‘interrogation’ has red flags all over it.
maybe now he has gone you ‘shouldn’t let him back in’.

That’s the most important thing to me - regardless of what happens we will always be a family. The kids are the most important factor in this whole situation. I don’t want to burn any bridges but do want to set a good example to the kids. I do love him and care for him deeply. We’ve just grown apart and I’m a different person than I was. Thank you to all of you out there. This is a lonely process.

I am in a very similar situation to you.
I told husband I wasn't happy 18months ago, we agreed to try work at things, he buried his head in the sand and nothing changed. A couple months later I told him I still wasnt happy, he used the kids and guilted me into staying.
Roll on a year & I gave told him it was over.
Hes now saying I have MH issues, become a superhero, making out to family that he's amazing & making me look mad. Any love I still held for him has fast turned to anger & hate. But yet I'm scared of leaving for being able to provide for my children.
I've been with husband since i was 18, so I've never been alone.
Too unhappy to stay but will things be any better alone?

Better to be on your own than to be with an abusive tosspot. If you've never been on your own since you were 18 either do you know who you really are as a person?. Time to find out.

You are married to this person and so have rights in law; exercise those fully. Find out exactly what you are entitled to via legal advice; do not let your own supposition not based on hard facts rule your head here. Feel the fear and do it anyway. He is not interested in changing and any change he enacts is but short lived; it's an act he cannot maintain. I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to stay in such a relationship; no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

Attilatm I had my own moment last night when speaking to the children. The youngest cried on me (well we cried in each other) then she took me by the hands, looked in my eyes and said “you deserve to be happy mummy”. Later I spoke to my eldest to see how she was feeling, she said she was ok and when I asked if she thought it was the right thing to do she said “if I didn’t I would have told you” they are two strong young ladies and I couldn’t be prouder. We have a long way to go, and this is only the beginning of a separation but it’s made me feel stronger.

Amloverbeingmarried feel the fear and face it anyway - you won’t regret it - I’m here to hold your hand as we face it together

OP well done your children are fantastic all the best.

Thanks. I know I'm just over thinking at the moment as it's a big change but deep down I know it's what I want.
I have a viewing on a property tomorrow so I can leave the marital home and start moving forward when not in such an unhappy awkward environment.

So things have moved on quite a lot. I’ve told him I’ve started looking at properties to rent and he’s asked for a copy of my spreadsheet as he does t think it’s financially viable. The eldest DD is happy about the idea but I wanted to keep the youngest out of it until things were a bit more “decided”. However when I went to view the property he decided to tell her all about it. She’s now quite upset with me and he’s convinced that she will want to live with him more than me. He doesn’t want to contribute to maintenance even though he earns more than double than I do. The only problem is, can I claim universal credit for them both if one of them isn’t with me more than 4 days a week? Surely that makes him the primary care provider for the youngest if she’s with him more than me? I don’t think it would stay like that but I have to assume it. He can’t claim benefits as over the threshold but I can once I move out. My fear is that if he holds back any maintenance and I can’t claim for both on UC that I’m trapped into either staying here or going straight to the divorce route. I can’t afford it otherwise.

The child benefit claim is in my name already.

Everything for the kids is registered to the home address currently (as we’re all still here) but all of a sudden he’s booking dental appointments, emailing the school etc. he’s also giving the kids way more attention than he ever has - that’s a positive at least.

I feel held to financial ransom. He says there has to be a halfway point, but the examples are me having solo counselling as I have attachment issues, hrt review as I’m going through early menopause.

All over the place!

This is who he is selfish and manipulative and yes is making it very difficult to leave.

You need to emotional detach from him. Stop telling him things, the marriage has ended you don't owe him the details of your new life.

You find somewhere for you and the DDs, you share care so long as they are at least 50:50 with you then the CB is yours and you can claim UC.

You can apply to CMS you may get awarded something.

You can get the ball rolling with the finances, for you to claim housing benefit you don't have forever to get your share of the marital assets etc.

OP - having gone through a divorce where my exH was also ‘surprised’ and then angry - I am going to tell you to be pragmatic and not do anything that may hurt you in the end. Before you make any moves - do consult a solicitor.

Thing is - moving out is a risky move, you may end up losing the kids this way. It had happened to a friend, where the H also became a super-dad as things were falling apart. And he used that as way of keeping the kids in the marital home - as it was, understandably less disruptive for them.
She ended up fighting for them for a long time.

I don’t think the solution you are counting on exists. There is no half way separation - where he pays you maintenance to rent another place. And - you can’t really claim UC for the kids if you own a marital property. You possibly can apply for CMS -
but if the kids spend a large share of their time in their home - that won’t work.

So - you either go all the way and initiate divorce and split of assets. Or - you separate while living in the same house. Not ideal, but some people do that.
It isn’t easy, but can be done.
I lived with exH as we were going through divorce negotiations and proceedings, wasn’t great, and at times excruciating, but it was what it was. For part of it kids didn’t even know what was happening.

He is already manipulating your kids and including them in what is going on. This is a bad sign, as it has a potential to turn very ugly. What you see as him being a better father - trying to keep you - can be that. BUT it’s more likely to be a very smart move for him to ensure kids stay with him, while you are painted as the bad mother destroying the family.

Please - do speak to a lawyer. You need to understand what you are entitled to. These are big decisions and you need to go into it with complete information.

(For example, you are very unlikely to get spousal maintenance, even if he is a higher earner. You may get some CM on top of CMS, if he is a very very high earner. So broadly, you can count on is half of family assets. Plus some CM)

Thank you, my name isn’t on the house deeds, never has been, so I actually don’t have anything property wise. I really need to seek some advice. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

@Twogorgeousgirls7

Are you in England? If so - given your marriage duration, marital home is a marital asset. So - it doesn’t matter that you aren’t on the deeds - you own half of it.
You do need advice.

Yes, I’m in England. It would just be such a shame to go straight into divorce territory, could I ask you how long all of your proceedings took whilst you were in the same house? We don’t have a spare room so it’s been a mix of kids sleeping in with one of us or the sofa which is ok for a while.

Not to mention you needs to both get pensions valued and cars Etc.

Please see a solicitor that has a record of good outcomes for someone in your situation.

I wouldn't be surprised if your H is 5 steps ahead of you hence wanting to stay in the house and not divorce, insisting the DC need to stay in the marital house with him etc.

Took almost two years, from start till exH moved to his new place.
Stayed in the same bedroom for at least 1.5 years of that.
Had to be adults, and deal with it.
Moving out of marital home is a really bad move, so unless there is abuse - or money isn’t an issue - you need to find a wa of dealing with it.

Two years? Wow, that must have been a challenge in the same bedroom too. There’s so much underlying tension, it flips from being angry to being remorseful to being caring like a switch. He quickly mentioned nesting where we could potentially rent a property and stay there a few days each whilst the kids stayed in the family home. Would that put me at risk?

I think nesting would stop you moving on, I suspect he would keep checks on you.

There is a thread on here at the moment about a lady who regrets her divorce. Worth a read.
She's no happier now, lives in a tiny 2 bed flat, with less money and has to work all the time.
When you say you feel lonely, how do you think divorce will fix this ?
Remember it's not your dh's job ti make you happy - that's your job.

Oh it is so hard. My ex did a lot of the same things.
He did actually manage to initially get DS to take 'his side' and mainly live with him, and tried to destroy DS's relationship with his sister who is older.
Having lived through my own parents awful divorce, I knew to not badmouth him to the kids, but stay calm and dependable and very loving. I constantly reassured DS that I loved him very much, and what was happening was not what I would have chosen, but I had and continued to try very hard to sort things out so everyone was okay. I also told him that if his dad was saying things about me to check with me to make sure they were true.
It was very hard.
Fast forward 4 years, Ex met another woman, got bored with being disney dad and DS realised that his father might not be perfect.
I am still stubbornly supportive of everyone and things are a lot better. DS and I are closer than ever. DD and DS have the best relationship out there. None of it was easy and I carry a lot of guilt and trauma. x

@Twogorgeousgirls7

Thing is - nesting, or any other solitons to co-parenting after separation - normally happens after separation/divorce is agreed upon. And when you have reached an agreement on split of finances.

But, as a short term solution to your issue it could work. And it’s positive that he is suggesting it - I’d let him run with it and get him to organise search/rental admin.
If he is willing to pay for it - it can solve your immediate issue of how to afford it.
And if you jointly agree to do it - it won’t be you ‘leaving’ family home.

Your situation sounds difficult and if the two of you can’t keep your emotional ups/downs under wraps - your kids will suffer. Divorce in itself doesn’t hurt children - but the conflict and emotional upheavals around it does hit the kids.
So - if you had a place where one of you could escape for part of the week - it could be better.
And - as you said yourself - you aren’t fully sure you want to divorce just yet - maybe nesting can give your some space to think.

I don’t think divorce is always the answer.
I do think women sometimes act on emotion; or depression; or long term resentments and make their lives much harder and end up no better/no happier when they divorce.

Yes - my long path to being divorced wasn’t easy. I had to keep it together as I wanted to protect the kids from our conflict. He did as well.
Not everybody manages to do that. One of my friends’ divorces took similar time but her exH got progressively more angry and turned violent.

Good luck! Hope you figure it out one way or another