DH doing every job badly

[NotaClue541]

Please can I get some perspective on this. Dh seems to me to do every job at home badly- unless it's something he is interested in. So he empties the dishwasher but leaves half of the dishes on the side, makes the kidwich s lunch but a basic sandwich and crisps, no fruit. Gets the baby dressed but leaves the wardrobe and drawers wide open, pyjamas and nappy on the floor. The list goes on and on. I've asked, reminded, cajoled, ignored. It ends in a row every single time. It's eroding all feelings I have for him as he won't accept that he needs to sort it out. He thinks I'm petty and it's little things and he does loads around the house. He doesn't. The constant resentment is destroying us. Do I just accept and do it all myself? Trying to get him to take responsibility has failed. There must be a better way.

You're not being petty. There are two possibilities:

• He's incompetent in other aspects of his life too. Loses keys, messes up basic DIY, can't keep his own stuff sorted and orderly. If that's a yes, he needs to see his GP and discuss the possibility of ADHD.
• He's fine in every other aspect of his life except the domestic stuff. If that's a yes, then this is strategic incompetence and he's doing it to ensure you take responsibility for all of it so that he doesn't have to do it. In this case, you need to issue a Come to Jesus talk and if that doesn't work, bin him.

Unless he’s completely useless in his job and life generally then this is strategic incompetence so you do everything

Not good enough

Drawers open and nappy on floor would do my head in. Although l frequently leave our sliding wardrobes open. I couldn’t get worked up by dishes on the side or no fruit.

6 of one half a dozen of the others.

Strategic incompetence. He is wanting you to just give up arguing about things and do it all yourself. He's a prick with zero respect for you.

Weaponised incompetence.

He does it badly so you stop asking him to do. Sylvia Plath talks about it in one of her books.

Start doing things really half arsed too - things that are important to him.

He should eventually get the hint.

Is he fine in every other aspect? I learned that some things can be compromised on, as not everyone is perfect. I'd imagine there's things you maybe do that irate him but he maybe doesn't mention it

Weaponised incompetency

So he empties the dishwasher but leaves half of the dishes on the side I'd get hi Mt odo it more often and then finishing it off would seem more like sharing than doing it all
makes the kidwich s lunch but a basic sandwich and crisps, no fruit for the sake of throwing an apple or banana in the bag, let him keep doing lunches.
Gets the baby dressed but leaves the wardrobe and drawers wide open, pyjamas and nappy on the floor pick them up and put them his side of the bed.

. Basically I wouldn't buy into the drama, nor take over the jobs.

After years and years of this, it erodes the relationship. Sounds dramatic I know but it really does. I felt I was constantly micro managing and going behind everything he'd done.
I could write a list of hundreds of things he didn't do or didn't do even remotely right. It's like he was totally switched off in the domestic department. When kids come along it's even worse. You lose respect for them.

He needs a taste of his own medicine. Have half-finished sex for a start.... if you can bring yourself to be intimate with the lazy sod.

Read the "she left me because of the dishes on the side" article.

Dishes...

It's a lack of respect.

He is being petty and making you suffer for not doing the job. (It isn't respectful-teens do it to their parents along with dumb insolence!)

He needs to lose something for behaving like this. It should be something that does not cost you effort. (A fine for incomplete tasks? )

He needs to understand and to learn to care about things he can live with but which make you unhappy. If he loves you then your happiness should matter to him.

I know it is tit for tat, but this is what I would be tempted to do. His laundry washed but not dried and shoved in a corner somewhere, for example. Let him feel the consequences if people cba to do a job properly.

If he does he job perfectly fine and any domestic jobs that he enjoys just fine then he is doing it deliberately. He might deny it, he might say you are being a nag, or being fussy, but ultimately he thinks his time is more valuable than yours.

How does that make you feel? Under valued? worthless? Invisible? Disrespected? Insulted? Remember, he is doing it deliberately.

You have three choices. Couples counselling, accept it (and be a broken woman in 15 years) or say no, its not good enough, and leave.

When you ask why he’s done these things, what does he say?

He needs more practice not less. He sounds like a child. Keep training him by telling him to clear up after.

OP this is not just a lack of respect. It’s more than that. It is ADHD. Poor executive functioning skills. Complete unawareness. No matter how many times you showed him how to do it, it doesn’t stick.
it’s biochemical. Don’t bother mirroring his behaviour because he still won’t get it
But sure he can and does hyper focus on what he finds interesting.

the link about the dishes from a pp please read it. The writer is Matthew Fray. He has text book ADHD and he admits that’s what ended his marriage. He denied he had any such thing until she divorced him.

Your resentment will continue to build if this situation is not addressed. The mother child dynamic will continue which will kill of intimacy in any form.

I’ve just left with an under two year old and 7 months pregnant.

Despite his official diagnosis, he is in absolute and complete denial. ADHD isn’t a death sentence but left undiagnosed or untreated you’re on a hiding to nothing

Oh and don’t be fooled by the fact that he may do brilliantly at his job.

I found this quote to describe my situation:

I think it was Gina Pera who first coined the
phrase "behaviour - reaction - reaction" for thosewith adhd. The initial adhd behaviour causes us,as partners, to react and get upset. Then the person with adhd reacts to our being upset - full RSD mode gets engaged. Deflection, projection,
blame-shifting, gaslighting, rage. Clearly, this is where he's at. Painting you as the villain, absolves him of guilt, responsibility and accountability. It's a narcissistic attack/ response in an adhd brain lacking in the biggest executive function of them
all - self awareness.

Oh god, I was married to someone very similar. Brings it all back. Veered between bewilderment that someone could be so incompetent and then sheer rage/resentment as time wore on. As a PP said, the mother and child dynamic kills off any intimacy and the relationship completely floundered.

I think it comes down to incompatibility. Some people might not notice/care ( I used to think a lot about this, and how things could have been different if I’d basically not given a shit about the things he messed up), or they might accept the role of doing everything, but for me personally, I didn’t fit into either of these roles. I did care, it eventually wore me out and despite several bouts of counselling, we got divorced.

I find mn like another planet sometimes!! Of course maybe he’s doing it on purpose, has an issue etc but forgetting fruit to me isn’t a sackable offence-it happens!! And maybe his attention was called to something else hence the dishwasher. And no to the nappy but leaving drawers open? You’d have me pushed out the door in a second op!!! (Woman here btw!!)

He's incompetent in other aspects of his life too. Loses keys, messes up basic DIY, can't keep his own stuff sorted and orderly. If that's a yes, he needs to see his GP and discuss the possibility of ADHD.

I have ADHD, this is me, and I an useless at household tasks.

I wouldn't leave a nappy on the floor though. WTF does that?

Probs ADHD and/or male strategic incompetence.

Professional incompetence, hoping it will irritate you so much you will tell him not to bother.

Tell him you need to have a serious talk - that this is make or break time. Try not to get emotional. Tell him that he is obviously capable enough to do his job or he would have presumably otherwise been sacked. So you're puzzled why he is completely incompetent and useless at home. You appreciate his work is probably more interesting but there are two of you who need to maintain your home life and if he isn't capable or prepared to pull his finger out and act like an adult, what is the point of him?

I know someone who had a similar conversation to the above. It worked, not 100% but a massive improvement.

I'm with you especially the put it on his side of the bed, I do that, I have a child I don't need one in my age range, partner and enhances life or shown the door