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Original poster

DH doing every job badly

42 replies

NotaClue541 · 24/09/2022 20:02

Please can I get some perspective on this. Dh seems to me to do every job at home badly- unless it's something he is interested in. So he empties the dishwasher but leaves half of the dishes on the side, makes the kidwich s lunch but a basic sandwich and crisps, no fruit. Gets the baby dressed but leaves the wardrobe and drawers wide open, pyjamas and nappy on the floor. The list goes on and on. I've asked, reminded, cajoled, ignored. It ends in a row every single time. It's eroding all feelings I have for him as he won't accept that he needs to sort it out. He thinks I'm petty and it's little things and he does loads around the house. He doesn't. The constant resentment is destroying us. Do I just accept and do it all myself? Trying to get him to take responsibility has failed. There must be a better way.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 09/12/2022 13:52

My ex used to be like this. Couldn’t put the nappy in the bin, sometimes used to throw it on the floor near the bin. Why? Didn’t shut drawers either, never finished a job. Cooked but left a complete mess so thought he was doing a favour whereas I tidy up as I go so even worse for me to eat then have to clean up a big mess after. It drove me mad and it does affect how you feel about someone

ChaToilLeam · 09/12/2022 13:56

ADHD or strategic incompetence? In DP’s case it’s the former. Now that he has some medication for it he sees just how infuriating it is. I have suspected ADHD too but manage to return to things left undone and I have a routine.

Watchkeys · 09/12/2022 13:59

LimboLass · 24/09/2022 21:17

Start doing things really half arsed too - things that are important to him.

He should eventually get the hint.

Terrible advice. You can't run a household or a marriage on tit for tat, or hints.

OP, tell him how important it is to you. Tell him you feel it's disrespectful of him to expect you to do your jobs properly and finish off his too, and that your respect for him as a man is diminishing fast. Tell him you can't have a relationship with a man who behaves disrespectfully towards you.

He's minimising your feelings, and you're going along with it.

Watchkeys · 09/12/2022 14:01

ChaToilLeam · 09/12/2022 13:56

ADHD or strategic incompetence? In DP’s case it’s the former. Now that he has some medication for it he sees just how infuriating it is. I have suspected ADHD too but manage to return to things left undone and I have a routine.

But if he has ADHD, he can still respect OP's feelings. But he's rowing with her, calling her petty, and making her feel she's making a mountain out of a molehill. Those aren't ADHD symptoms. He'd be looking for ways to improve if he cared about OP.

wickerhearth · 09/12/2022 14:03

He's probably hoping that by doing crappy, half a job, you'll eventually give up and do it by yourself.

upfucked · 09/12/2022 14:04

He’s half a job Bob. DH goes through phases of it.

liarliarshortsonfire · 09/12/2022 14:17

Start doing it back to him.

If you make his lunch, leave out the crisps/fruit

Make tea, leave off the chips or potatoes

Doing any diy, leave the screwdrivers out

Now the lawn and leave the mower in the back garden

Take his car, leave the seat in your position and parked in the wrong space

plinkplinkfizzer · 09/12/2022 14:28

Are these things you are asking him to do ? I believe the only doing 1/2 a job ( leaving drawers , doors open ) are a classic fuck you for having the cheek to ask him to do something . That's it really he is saying " fuck you "

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2022 14:30

"Dh seems to me to do every job at home badly- unless it's something he is interested in".

To me this is suggestive of weaponised incompetence because he is not doing something badly that he is interested in. He does not act like this to and around his work colleagues so its for you this is aimed at and its deliberate.

OP - you have a choice re this man, your DC do not. They should not be party to this poor relationship role model.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2022 14:36

Weaponized incompetence is different than ADHD. There is a big difference between someone who wants to pull their weight but gets distracted halfway through a chore, and someone who does a bad job on purpose so no one will ever ask them to do chores again. A person with ADHD may need more reminders and take more time to do chores (or any other tasks), but they produce high-quality work. People with ADHD also tend to be aware of their issues with task management, and work on strategies to overcome it. People weaponizing incompetence will simply insist that they are hopeless and see no point in trying. It is possible for a person with ADHD to use weaponized incompetence intentionally, but this is different than their own inherent struggles with executive functioning.

Oblomov22 · 09/12/2022 14:39

Was he like this pre marriage? Did you see the signs but choose to ignore them?

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 09/12/2022 15:44

Yes OP. I understand only too well I’m afraid. 💐 you deserve better

PrincessConstance · 09/12/2022 16:24

2 choices.
Muck in and finish the jobs how YOU would like them done.
Leave and do it ALL on your own.

Watchkeys · 09/12/2022 16:31

liarliarshortsonfire · 09/12/2022 14:17

Start doing it back to him.

If you make his lunch, leave out the crisps/fruit

Make tea, leave off the chips or potatoes

Doing any diy, leave the screwdrivers out

Now the lawn and leave the mower in the back garden

Take his car, leave the seat in your position and parked in the wrong space

This is not how things work in a healthy relationship. It's how children try to work things out, before adults teach them not to.

Iwantyourmidnights · 09/12/2022 17:11

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2022 14:36

Weaponized incompetence is different than ADHD. There is a big difference between someone who wants to pull their weight but gets distracted halfway through a chore, and someone who does a bad job on purpose so no one will ever ask them to do chores again. A person with ADHD may need more reminders and take more time to do chores (or any other tasks), but they produce high-quality work. People with ADHD also tend to be aware of their issues with task management, and work on strategies to overcome it. People weaponizing incompetence will simply insist that they are hopeless and see no point in trying. It is possible for a person with ADHD to use weaponized incompetence intentionally, but this is different than their own inherent struggles with executive functioning.

Very well said. My DH has ADHD, and all of this is true for him. He absolutely pulls his weight around the house and with the kids, even if his methods for going about things make no sense to me sometimes!

What I will say though is that before he got diagnosed I probably felt quite similarly to you, and would get very frustrated with him dropping tasks half way through/forgetting things/getting distracted/starting a seemingly random task when other far more important things needed doing etc. So, giving your DH the benefit of the doubt, it might be worth looking into whether it could be ADHD in his case, before writing this off as a LTB situation.

(It still can be super annoying btw, it's just that now I know to take a deep breath and trust that he'll get things done eventually in his own way!)

Goldpaw · 09/12/2022 17:23

My ex husband used weaponised incompetence. So enraging by the the end.

pog100 · 09/12/2022 18:39

This thread was started in September and the OP didn't reply at all. No point in replying now.

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