How the hell am I going to cope

[EmmaMarie18]

Briefly me and him are separating and selling our house

I'm struggling with us both being here while the house sells 😔 he lives up in the attic but as usual wakes the entire house this morning getting ready for work 🤬 he literally spends no time with our son either! I came home from a friends yesterday he basically said hello to our son before slithering off upstairs didn't even say goodnight to him 😡

He walks around the house whistling and singing and it feels like he's wanting me to react 😔 he's always been selfish and all about himself but even that seems to be worse lately too

It's so tense and miserable I don't know how the hell I'm going to stick this until the house sells

That's a horrible atmosphere. Poor you and poor your son. 😞
Do you have any emotive robust friends who can come over and spend time with you regularly in the evenings just so you have someone to bolster you, eyeroll with and tip the dynamic a little. It doesn't solve him being awful but might give you little emotionally bouyant island's of time you can cling to to get you through one week after another until this time is over?

Emotionally robust that should say. Someone who can stay upbeat in the face of dickheaded-ness

Grey Rock technique might help.

mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique

I hope you can sell quickly.

I haven't got anyone really..where we live is not where I'm originally from all my family and friends are nearly an hour away 😔

I hope it doesn't take long to sell but the whole situation is just making me ill

It's so lovely here now he's in work but the moment I can hear him coming through the front door my anxiety goes through the roof 😔

Grey rock is a great suggestion.I've used it.

And do whatever is needed to accelerate the split. He sounds like a complete arse.

Your life will be so much better once this is done so hold on. Can you move back to where your family and friends are after you've sold?

What I mean by do whatever to accelerate it is take some positive steps. Does the house look good for the market? Can you de-clutter a bit more by starting a few of your moving boxes? Sometimes the practical stuff helps us feel mentally positive.

@jeaux90 I've started de-cluttering..it's daunting as the house is full from top to bottom with so much stuff 😔 I did tell him we should start sorting things and he just went mental shouting and swearing

My intentions are to move back with my mam once the house has sold which means relocating my little ones back to the schools in that area too..my daughter is so excited..she hates him beyond belief

Protect yourself from his rants by using grey rock. You need to be super boring.

The clutter is not going to help sell the house so just start in one room. A little bit at a time.

He's ranting about sorting stuff out because he doesn't want to split or because he thinks you should do it all?

@jeaux90 just having a read about grey rock...tha would drive him insane 🤣🤣🤣

That's exactly what I'm doing..my room and my
childrens rooms are spotless ready for pictures this week..he needs to pull his finger out and do his bit..I really don't think he thinks I'm serious and that I'm actually doing something about it 🤯

I know 100% if I stayed in this toxic relationship I would lose my daughter for a start she's already told me she don't wanna be here anymore and she would live with my mam or her dad by Christmas time 🥹 I'm doing this for my babies as bloody hard as it is I have to

You just declutter all rooms in the house except his bedroom. Don't ket him sabotage the sale

@Fimofriend he literally lives in the attic it's pathetic! I found loads of empty beer cans hidden in the coffee table he's drinking every night 🤯

I've come to my mothers for the night with my little boy I can't stick a night in that house again with how things are..I just know he won't even ask about our son he never does 😔 but constantly on the phone to his older boy annoys me how he can treat them so different 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well you start by telling him next weekend is his weekend with his son!

Are you married?

Why are you waiting? Just stay at your mums

I let my EX stay a month in my house when we split & I still remember him walking round clapping like a seal singing really loudly ‘ooh argh Cantona’ 🤮asked him not to do it & he did it louder. He even said he did it to wind me up. literally wanted him to leave every single day, I think I nearly went insane with it.

just keep thinking to yourself, the end is nigh & it will get better. And it does.

I hope it gets better I really do. Do you have to stay there or could you rent? I don’t know the legal financial implications of leaving I’m regard to the settlement. Good luck X

I wouldn't leave my child with a man who treated him like that.

If it helps, look at his behaviour differently...

He's doing this childish singing and whistling for two reasons. Firstly he thinks it makes him look like he's really not bothered (believe me, he will be bothered, he's just too much of a prat to let his ego show it) and secondly to irritate you.

Remember the episode of friends where Ross is so "fine" he does ridiculous things to convince everyone else? That's what you're dealing with. But don't get suckered in to thinking it's a brave mask he's putting on and he's in pain beneath, the difference here is he's simply bothered because it's a big inconvenience to him that he's got to move and he'll have to spend his cash. But hell will freeze over before he admits that. So the laughable act continues. As if he's delighted about everything.

With the fact he's just trying to irritate you, use that to your gain. Every time he acts like a prat, inwardly smile that this is exactly why he's not your prat any longer. Ignoring one child because it's yours then continually on the phone to the one that's not, in front of you, that's deliberate as well. It's all to get a reaction. Like you said, going grey rock would drive him mad. You know what he's doing and why, it's just hard to keep calm when someone is that, well, fucking stupid deliberately to you 24/7. Do your very best, and every day is a day closer to this man out of your hair.

He doesn't want to believe you're really going to leave him so he's behaving like a twat. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Get on and get the house on the market and make yourself one step nearer to getting away from him. He knows exactly what he's doing to try and annoy you so pretend you don't notice- feign surprise when you see him!

He's 100% a control freak!!! I didnt tell him i was staying in my mams last night as we dont speak he sent messages saying he was concerned for our sons safety wtaf but the day before said he doesnt text to ask about him because he's with his mother and he knows hes fine!

He then text last night to say all his stuff is packed! This morning then saying id broken him and he hadnt gone to work then saying he had gone to work but he's not coming back and he's moved out!

My anxiety is through the roof with it all!

Im so miserable 😔 the house will be on the market this week and as soon as we have a buyer ill be relocating my childrens schools and we'll be back in my mothers 🥰

He said hes got storage for his things so after the estate agents take photos this week he'll be taking all his belongings

I just want to fast forward a few months and for it all to be over 😔

He is such a twat! Just hold on. You will get rid of him and your life will become so much better.

Keep those texts. Screenshot if possible and email them to yourself in case you lose your phone. If he's being this bad about selling the house, just wait until he finds out how to mess you around with parental rights. Keep it all. Better to have and not use imo.

He is deliberately trying to mess with your head and break you. Dont bother reacting but if you do have to reply a simple okay or thumbs up is acceptable 😉

I’m sure you already know this, but don’t do any washing or cooking for him. Only buy food for you and your children and be sure to stock up the fridge with things he hates to eat. Are there any of your friends that he really doesn’t like? Now seems a good time to invite them over to support you. Make his life as uncomfortable as he’s making yours.

I just cant cope with all the mind games its draining

Theres so much to sort and to get the house ready this week he aint guna be much help!

He said hes gone back to his mothers! I have concerns about my son going there if im honest! Basically he has an older brother he doesnt bother with..his brother is atm the moment on police bail for sexual assault on family members (historical when they were little)

None of the family bother with this brother but his mother told me that she does and none of them know! She speaks to him, he visits the house she knew when he had been arrested and bailed..it would open a can of worms if i raised my concerns..but what if this bloke turns up there while my son is there?!?! Apparently he doesnt even know my son exists what does tha say!

That's really serious. Are you getting legal advice as I would say that's clear mitigation in terms of access concerns, and your kid staying at the MIL.

On a practical note, is it better they do photos after he's left if the loft is a pigsty? Or is that not being photographed?