DD (18) first boyfriend was a couple of years back. He would pop over after work, take her out, buy her little bunches of flowers and after a while we would have card nights, BBQs etc.
it fizzled out quite amicably for what ever reason and they both moved on.
new boyfriend, arrived on the scene possibly 6 months/1 year ago. I have never met him face to face, couple of times walking in on a face time call to wave hello and that’s it even though I had offered. He would pick her up late at night once I was asleep for overnight stays at his house, she would be gone days sometimes but I always stayed in touch and I thought things were all good. I now know she was lying to me.
she is obsessed with him, they fight a lot and although I don’t believe it’s become violent it has been nasty emotionally, probably on both sides but not always.
I have tried to stay impartial, let her know I love her etc they have broken up multiple times and she has always come back home to me.
things have very recently taken a turn for the worse, She has changed, she has lost too much weight, lost her job again, stopped going to the gym, seeing her friends and us. My once funny and life loving daughter is a shell of herself.
I should add now that she is autistic, late diagnosis even though I went back and forth with all the agencies for years. She received a formal diagnosis when she was nearly 14. She turned 18 four months ago. She has always thrived from routine and structure.
she was very open and honest with me (so I thought) and her sister and after a few very upset nights after break ups she admitted he is a local drug dealer. Then I discovered she is doing balloons (laughing gas) large quantities which he is giving her. I pray it’s not more but I honestly can’t trust what she is saying.
her sister put her in her maps so we knew where she was when he moved out of area with his parent. A few weeks ago, DD had a terrible evening which i believe was an overuse of these canisters and balloons and accumulated in frantic calls telling us she didn’t know where she was and someone she didn’t know/want was in a car with her.
we went to find her (DDs Dad and I in one car and her sister and friend in another) and whilst driving around back alleys and business estates using the maps location we came across his very distinctive car parked up.
DD wasn’t with him although he did verbally abuse us and threaten us etc
we found her and bought her home but she left in the early hours.
she is now saying she won’t tell us where she is or come home until we apologise to him face to face for “embarrassing him” and “intimidating him” she loves him and will move in with him if we don’t do as she says.
thank you if you have got this far, I know it’s long but I really need to know what I should do.
part of me wants to pass his details somewhere in case he hurts her, I have this feeling of dread. I’m currently blocked on her phone but I don’t know if she knows that, ie he has blocked me? and the last time before the above happened he told her to choose between him and us which she told her sister. He then sent her sister pics of DD at his and when she called he answered her phone, laughed and hung up. I’ve talked to DD about this and she said he told her, he did it to show us she was safe because he knew we didn’t know where she was at that time.
or am I over reacting and should I let DD make her own choices whilst knowing she can always come home?