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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She was exactly my type

79 replies

PrixMax · 23/09/2022 17:05

I’m a little bit upset but I wanted to check whether I was just being over sensitive.

My boyfriend was telling me a story about a woman he had met and described her as ‘5ft 1, slim (etc) and exactly my type’.

I am 6ft and decidedly not slim and really could not be the opposite of ‘his type’.

I feel a bit like second best but then maybe I’m just being over sensitive because he is with me and not the 5ft 1 woman (presuming she’d be interested of course).

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 23/09/2022 19:43

forgotoldusername · 23/09/2022 19:01

Seriously? Please bin him off. I don't think a relationship should end for trivial matters but this is very serious. I don't know if he's negging or what he's doing but to me this is the beginning of an attempt to undermine you. I would break up and never look back if you don't want to be unhappy for a very long time

This

Original poster
PrixMax · 23/09/2022 19:51

I did ask him how he would feel if I said similar but he said he wouldn’t be bothered.

I do sometimes think there is a part of him that wants to bring me down. I am a lot younger than him and objectively speaking I am probably quite a bit more attractive than he is. However, I’ve never tried to bring him down or make him feel bad about himself. I’m always his biggest supporter.

OP posts:
Dery · 23/09/2022 19:51

He doesn’t sound very nice, OP. My DH will occasionally make very tactless remarks but his overall behaviour has always been very good to me (he was quicker to commit to me and the relationship than I was to him) and he wouldn’t turn something like that round on me. As PP have said, it sounds like he’s trying to make you feel insecure.

limitededitionbarbie · 23/09/2022 19:54

My DH would never say anything like that to me because he is a kind person.

What your partner said was very insensitive and disrespectful.

For me that would be the beginning of the end. I'd never be able to get it out of my head.

You sound lovely.

He sounds like a prick.

HailAdrian · 23/09/2022 19:54

I'd think it odd that short skinny women are his 'type' I bet he doesn't like them past a certain age either.

girlmom21 · 23/09/2022 20:00

PrixMax · 23/09/2022 19:51

I did ask him how he would feel if I said similar but he said he wouldn’t be bothered.

I do sometimes think there is a part of him that wants to bring me down. I am a lot younger than him and objectively speaking I am probably quite a bit more attractive than he is. However, I’ve never tried to bring him down or make him feel bad about himself. I’m always his biggest supporter.

How much of an age difference is there? I'd suggest there's a good chance he's trying to make sure you don't get too confident and realise you have options.

Twattergy · 23/09/2022 20:04

Yeah I went out with one of them...
Ditch him. Nasty, manipulative and designed to put you down.

FlorettaB · 23/09/2022 20:06

He sounds like an arse.

CheekyHobson · 23/09/2022 20:23

I did ask him how he would feel if I said similar but he said he wouldn’t be bothered.

Well, you could wait two weeks, then tell him about a new colleague who is "exactly your type" and see how he reacts. My guess is that he won't be quite as chilled about it as he says. He may not respond outright but he'll look stung, or go into quiet sulk or say something negative about this person.

But the larger point is that even if he actually wouldn't be bothered, you are. And you've told him you are, and he's told you he doesn't care that you are. Is that the sort of relationship you want?

It's the sort of issue that can be easy to dismiss because there's not a lot immediately at stake. Your husband has made a comment that's a bit insensitive, which may bother some people quite and others not so much.

But if it is part of a larger pattern of your husband dismissing and ignoring your feelings, being tactless and rude, and being focused on himself to the detriment of others, this may not be the kind of relationship you can really be happy in.

If he acts insensitively towards others occasionally - say, once every few months - maybe you can live with it. But if every day seems to bring a new tactless/thoughtless/selfish comment or action that causes an issue with you or between him and someone else, it's time to consider that your husband may have a serious character flaw that will make him very tiresome to maintain a long-term relationship with.

OldFan · 23/09/2022 20:48

I did ask him how he would feel if I said similar but he said he wouldn’t be bothered.

I bet he would really.

I do sometimes think there is a part of him that wants to bring me down. I am a lot younger than him and objectively speaking I am probably quite a bit more attractive than he is. However, I’ve never tried to bring him down or make him feel bad about himself. I’m always his biggest supporter.

He doesn't sound like a good boyfriend, let alone partner material @PrixMax x

mintywinter · 23/09/2022 20:51

Honestly walk away unless you want your self confidence eroded bit by bit. He's not worthy of you.

BiologicalKitty · 23/09/2022 20:52

God, that's a shitty thing to say.

Original poster
PrixMax · 23/09/2022 21:04

girlmom21 · 23/09/2022 20:00

How much of an age difference is there? I'd suggest there's a good chance he's trying to make sure you don't get too confident and realise you have options.

Show quote history

He is nine years older than me.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 23/09/2022 21:06

He's negging. I had one like that, he made out his put downs were jokes. Turned me right off him.

Original poster
PrixMax · 23/09/2022 21:06

HailAdrian · 23/09/2022 19:54

I'd think it odd that short skinny women are his 'type' I bet he doesn't like them past a certain age either.

I hadn’t really thought about this but he still likes Kylie Minogue who is a few years older than him but ie of the smaller body type.

OP posts:
mackthepony · 23/09/2022 21:08

Tell him Jason Momoa or some other tall young bloke is exactly your type

Or Tyler from Accounts or whoever

MsBombastic555 · 23/09/2022 21:10

I don't usually say this but you seriously need to dump him! I want to yell at him for you! 😂 Tall girl here too x

Puppers · 23/09/2022 21:17

I wouldn’t waste any more time in this relationship. A man who loves and respects you doesn’t say things like this. That’s really all there is to it.

FWIW I also agree with PPs that this is very obvious negging and gaslighting i.e. putting you down, indirectly in this case by very deliberately describing someone who has markedly different physical characteristics to you and holding them up as his ideal, thereby insinuating that you are not his type. And then gaslighting you by making you question your very valid, very normal response to his insult and trying to paint you as a silly jealous girlfriend.

The reason that negging works is because human beings are wired to respond to intermittent reward. So his approval and affection (the reward) becomes positively addictive when you can’t count on it all the time. Don’t fall for it. It’s a trick. There are some really great men out there and you won’t find one while you’re wasting your time with this prick.

Noteverybodylives · 23/09/2022 21:23

I have different types.

So I could say he’s definitely my type about one guy but say the exact same thing about a guy who looks the complete opposite too.

I would hope that this is how he meant it, rather than being a complete twat.

Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 21:24

I do sometimes think there is a part of him that wants to bring me down

Why stay with someone you feel like this about?

Original poster
PrixMax · 23/09/2022 21:51

Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 21:24

I do sometimes think there is a part of him that wants to bring me down

Why stay with someone you feel like this about?

Because he emphatically denies it.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 21:59

So?

Lampzade · 23/09/2022 22:12

I hope that you know that he did this deliberately. His aim was to make you feel insecure .

Lampzade · 23/09/2022 22:14

Op, just dump him. He sounds like an idiot

Lampzade · 23/09/2022 22:16

PrixMax · 23/09/2022 19:51

I did ask him how he would feel if I said similar but he said he wouldn’t be bothered.

I do sometimes think there is a part of him that wants to bring me down. I am a lot younger than him and objectively speaking I am probably quite a bit more attractive than he is. However, I’ve never tried to bring him down or make him feel bad about himself. I’m always his biggest supporter.

He is insecure and jealous. He knows and has probably been told that he is punching