Should I date other men?

[Mezza17]

I came out of a very rough relationship just over a year ago. In March, I decided to try OLD. After looking at hundreds and hundreds of profiles and getting the same messages over and over again (you might know how it is![, a man contacted me and we really hit it off. We wrote to each other daily. It was maybe quite intense. It was slow at first, but over about two or three months we got to know each other. He lives three hours away.

We met up, had a great first date, and chatted for hours and hours, carried on writing, met up again, had a great second date and our first kiss, carried on writing, met up a third time, amazing date, and ended up sleeping with each other. All lovely. And then we carried on writing, with the occasional phone call.

On a couple of occasions, I've hinted at a "where is this going?" conversation. He is in the middle of a divorce. He has joint custody of his kid. I'm a single mother to one little girl. I'm not expecting to move in with him anytime soon, I'm not looking for a father for my child, I can't really give him any more than I'm already giving him because I'm on my own with my child, a stressful job and my very sick (stage four cancer mother living with me. But it's been five months.

He has basically said that he wants to "see where it goes". He's "scared that I want it to be serious so quickly". He doesn't want to "sign any sort of contract". But he's also said I'm the "person he gets on most with in the world" and that he "loves it that I'm as weird as he is" and that we "agree on everything" - I'm not that weird by the way. I think he means politics/values (being a big vegan commie basically[

The sex was good. It was all very loving. We laugh and laugh when we're together (and via message[. We agree on a lot. We're into the same books/hobbies. We provide each other with emotional support as well. It's all good.

But he doesn't seem to want to be exclusive and I daren't ask him again. We've not had another conversation about it since the sex. We've just carried on with the daily writing.

So, anyway.... another guy who runs the soft play centre in a nearby town has asked me out and said he'd like to get to know me. I don't think I'm going to get on with him like I get on with the other man, but he seems pleasant and cheerful and happy. He's attractive. I've said yes to a coffee. But if the first guy said yes to a coffee with someone else, I'd be devastated. But if he doesn't know what he wants, I feel stupid waiting around, hoping he'll change his mind.

What should I do?

Sorry this is so long. I'm pathetic!

Meet the other guy. Flaky man number 1 is NOT fully committed. I had something similar last year. Man was full on and then after 9 months he became more flaky. I gave him an ultimatum and we broke up. I've been dating a new man for 10 months (we didn't have sex until month 8 though), he's incredibly committed and I have seen some signs he might propose soon. A committed man wants to lock you in and marry you asap.

You're not pathetic. I'd go on the date with the second man too. Adults know what they want and they know if they are ready and willing to commit to adult relationships - you may get on with this man but he's not all in, he's keeping his options open and so should you.

Thanks. I'm heartbroken though. I won't tell the first guy I'm meeting the second guy and I suppose things will jut carry on as they are. If I feel like something might happen with the second guy, I'll have to tell the first guy we're just friends then. I just wish he wasn't playing me up like this. We'd be good together.

I wouldn't tell Man A anything. Go ahead and meet up with Man B.
Men going through a divorce are best avoided, IME. They are like kids in a sweet shop.

Sorry about your mum, that sounds really tough.

I'm going to go against the grain a bit and say no. It reads like you're still very invested in the first guy; you said if he met someone else for coffee you'd be heartbroken. It seems like you're only contemplating meeting the second guy because he's more available. It doesn't sound like he gets your engine revving, frankly. So I'm wondering if going for coffee with him might be a bit of a waste of your time (and his).

That said, I also think you're in a kind of lose-lose dead-end situation with the first guy and it might be time to pragmatically work out if it's viable for you to continue in this relationship.

The fundamental fact is, he's not available to you, either emotionally or geographically. He's not even divorced yet.

He's also sending you pretty categorical messages like being 'scared that you want it to be serious' and 'not wanting to sign a contract'. I mean, fuck off, Man. He can't have it both ways. He is spelling out in big neon lights his lack of availability, but also giving it both barrels with the charm offensive so you continue to sleep with him.

If it were me I'd sack both of them off and be on my own for a bit. It does sound like you've got a lot of other shit going on right now anyway.

Do not tell anything to man number 1. He might be dating too!

My man number 2 asked me to come off dating sites after our second date and he would too. We did and here we are now. My man number 1 never gave me a straight answer on whether he was off dating sites.

Yes a man knows what he wants and I would date the other guy, see what happens and then tell man number 1 that you want more and you found more

If he is going through a divorce, he is not free and single. I would give him a wide berth

You know what you want for your life, and that appears to be a committed relationship. This man you've been chatting to doesn't seem to want the same thing.

Saying 'let's see where this goes' isn't indicative of someone who is really trying to see if the other person is right for them. That takes a bit of work and a lot of communication about values, hopes for the future, childrearing thoughts, financial discussion. Not 'nitty gritty' talks, but sharing hopes and viewpoints with a view to 'do we want the same thing. To me, he either wants to 'float along' until some non-existent lightning strike happens (it won't), or he just want to see how much you'll allow him to string you along whilst getting a few 'home comforts' along the way.

Unless the two of you have declared yourselves 'exclusive', see this other man. I wouldn't tell the current man but I wouldn't actively lie about it if he asks you if you're seeing someone else. If you have declared 'exclusivity' I think it's only right to let him know and give him the same freedom you're taking for yourself.

Maybe guy 1 has just assumed you're both monogamous and when you said where's it going he thought you meant marriage as assumed you were already an item?

I really don't think there's anything here that screams commitment phobe - he is literally just coming out of a divorce and doesn't want to rush into another marriage! That sounds pretty sensible to me! You've even said you can't actually give him any more so I don't know what you even want.

This sounds like really poor communication on your part tbh, and on the back of that you've lined up another date. I really think you should ask him outright if you are together and monogamous or if it's just casual and fun before you go on the date. At least give him that chance before you potentially mess up a good thing.

I would definitely ask Man No1 again if he wants to be exclusive as maybe he was just saying that because he didn't want to get too entangled or afraid to get hurt.

If he's still says no then I would go on a date with Man No2 as it's only coffee at the moment.

I would ask number 1 if he sees you as exclusive because that's what you want and you don't want to be seeing someone who's splitting their time between you and other women.

I would end whatever 'it' is if I was seeing a guy who then went on a date with another woman, even if it was just a coffee date.

I was dating man A who was an old flame from my teenage years when I was 35.
I was introduced to man B whilst man A was away on a holiday with his kids.

Man B and I just clicked and we've been together 9 years

Give the second guy a chance.

What's for you won't go by you ❤️

I dont get it. Surely if youve slept together you are exclusive.

Dont sleep with him before knowing if you are exclusive. Surely the odds on becoming exclusive are LOW if you sleep with them first?!

What would you want from a “where’s it going” conversation? You’ve said you can’t give him more time, you live 3 hours apart and both have reasons to stay living where you are for the foreseeable future. Do you want to carry on how you are but exclusive? How would you see it progressing if neither of you move? I wouldn’t pass up on the chance of dating someone who you could have a more sustainable/long term relationship with.

Yes, I'd like us to carry on as we are, but be exclusive.

I think you'll have to let go of the first guy, if he was that into you, he'll make sure you were exclusive. He's just having his cake and eating it. Time to start telling them what you want and if they don't want the same then, they aren't right for you.
Go on the date with the second guy!

Am I right in thinking that you have only actually met the first man three times, ever, and three times over the course of 5 months?!

So you want to be exclusively having minimal sex with a man that lives 3 hours away when neither of you has time to see each other more often.
I can see why he's holding back...this 'relationship' doesn't seem to have room to progress really.

As you both have children who need you, I can’t see how this relationship will ever work if you live 3 hrs apart. I can’t imagine he would be in a rush to leave his child behind. Would you move 3 hours away? If not there is no end game in this relationship and I would date the other man.

Bin the first guy off. You're looking for a committed, long term relationship and he can't provide that as he lives three hours away and you both have kids and other responsibilities which will make moving difficult. He's also being very flakey and you don't feel able to talk to him about how you're feeling and what you want which is never a good sign in a relationship.
I've had my fingers burnt a couple of times by guys who are going through a divorce/recently separated. They think they want a LTR as that's what they're used to but once they start OLD they get carried away and always think there's someone better out there. Plus they're still sorting out where they'll live, arrangements with kids etc.

Have a coffee with guy 2 if you want to but not to get back at guy 1, or because you feel you should.

I like how you included the detail about the soft play. 😄

Anyway, I'd probably back off if a man told me I was 'scaring him' when all I wanted to know was if we were exclusive or not. So yeah, I'd go on the date and I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

Also, I don't feel that relationships have to 'progress' in the way they traditionally do. No reason to live with someone or marry them, you can have a relationship without those things.

OP,
Sorry to rain on your parade.

He is in the middle of a divorce

This is bad news ^

• *He hasn't got his act together. Far too soon to be thinking about having that conversation. His head will be all over the place.

Keep dating other guys, you don't owe him anything.

I wonder if the first guy is keeping his options open and enjoying his freedom too much to get into another exclusive relationship while he’s still in the process of getting divorced.

Go on the date with the second guy.

@pictish I wonder if the first guy is keeping his options open and enjoying his freedom too much to get into another exclusive relationship while he’s still in the process of getting divorced.

You are spot on with this ^ !

Some guys in this situation are like kids let loose in a sweetie shop !