Should I date other men?

[Mezza17]

I came out of a very rough relationship just over a year ago. In March, I decided to try OLD. After looking at hundreds and hundreds of profiles and getting the same messages over and over again (you might know how it is![, a man contacted me and we really hit it off. We wrote to each other daily. It was maybe quite intense. It was slow at first, but over about two or three months we got to know each other. He lives three hours away.

We met up, had a great first date, and chatted for hours and hours, carried on writing, met up again, had a great second date and our first kiss, carried on writing, met up a third time, amazing date, and ended up sleeping with each other. All lovely. And then we carried on writing, with the occasional phone call.

On a couple of occasions, I've hinted at a "where is this going?" conversation. He is in the middle of a divorce. He has joint custody of his kid. I'm a single mother to one little girl. I'm not expecting to move in with him anytime soon, I'm not looking for a father for my child, I can't really give him any more than I'm already giving him because I'm on my own with my child, a stressful job and my very sick (stage four cancer mother living with me. But it's been five months.

He has basically said that he wants to "see where it goes". He's "scared that I want it to be serious so quickly". He doesn't want to "sign any sort of contract". But he's also said I'm the "person he gets on most with in the world" and that he "loves it that I'm as weird as he is" and that we "agree on everything" - I'm not that weird by the way. I think he means politics/values (being a big vegan commie basically[

The sex was good. It was all very loving. We laugh and laugh when we're together (and via message[. We agree on a lot. We're into the same books/hobbies. We provide each other with emotional support as well. It's all good.

But he doesn't seem to want to be exclusive and I daren't ask him again. We've not had another conversation about it since the sex. We've just carried on with the daily writing.

So, anyway.... another guy who runs the soft play centre in a nearby town has asked me out and said he'd like to get to know me. I don't think I'm going to get on with him like I get on with the other man, but he seems pleasant and cheerful and happy. He's attractive. I've said yes to a coffee. But if the first guy said yes to a coffee with someone else, I'd be devastated. But if he doesn't know what he wants, I feel stupid waiting around, hoping he'll change his mind.

What should I do?

Sorry this is so long. I'm pathetic!

@Mezza17 You know in your heart of hearts that this is a dreary setup and not how you want to be treated, namely as an option.

Is it likely that boyfriend A is not seeing anyone else?

When a man is interested, it could not be clearer. He steps up his communication and discusses commitment to avoid losing you. This one doesn’t particularly care

There’s of course a lot of pleasure in sex, or at least there should be but is it worth you pandering to him?

It all seems very easy for him whilst you are left in emotional turmoil.

Don’t put your life on hold giving him the decision making power.

There is nothing wrong in dating a few men without confusing it all with sex.

You get to choose what you want!

Have another chat with him about your feelings about the casualness of your relationship. Five months isn’t to early to do a stock take of where it’s going. Definitely not too early to agree exclusivity.

I'd ask him. Say "look, this is awkward, but someone has asked me out. I like what we have but I'm not sure where we are up to. Are you cool with me seeing someone." I'm guessing he won't be, and that gives you your answer.

OK. I'll fill you in on a few more details. If any of you are still around! 😀 I don't think he's seeing anyone else. He seems very low on some days. Basically, because he's lost his son 50% of the time and he's taking it very very hard. When we had our brief talk, which was actually via email, he said he didn't know what he wanted. He said he needed time. I suppose he's definitely not as 'lovey-dovey' as he was at the beginning. Maybe because he's sure of my feelings now. He tells me everything. He can't be pursuing other women in the same way as me because it would take too long. We're back and forth all day with messages. Maybe it's slowed down a little. And I realise it can't be maintained at that level forever. He's also said - before the sex - that he wouldn't have a sexual relationship with more than one person at the same time. We've only had sex once. He's also said that he "might be jealous if I met someone else. Or might not". He also said he was off the dating site I met him on. I am off it. I don't know if I should go back on to check.
He's also very protective of his child and had said he wouldn't want to introduce him to anyone else straight away. His wife has done this. I agree with him on that point. I wouldn't introduce anyone to my daughter unless the relationship was solid.
He's given me a lot of mixed signals. He's not a player. He's a bit of a geek. But when 'pushed', he refused to give me a straight answer. But it seems he's coming from a 'I don't want to get hurt and need to get my head straight point of view than a 'I want to play the field' point of view.

The other guy is someone I had the hots for last year. I just thought he was nice to everyone. But he's said he'd like to get to know me. I'm not sure we'd have as much in common, or be on the same level. I don't know. It's as if the first guy has spoilt me for everyone else.

And I suppose, in the future, I'd like to live nearer him. That would be how I imagined it. Not living together, but living near each other and being together. But, as I've said, I'm stuck where I am for now because of my mother's illness. In the meantime, I wanted a committed, long-distant relationship with us seeing each other at least twice a month.

Just put your cards on the table and tell him that! Then you’ll know where you stand. He might have been scared that a “where’s it going” conversation could mean moving in, having kids, getting married where as all your asking is to maintain the status quo but with clarity around it being exclusive.

I've been pretty clear. I've said I'm not looking to get married or move in. I've said that. I've said that I'm looking for something committed and that if he isn't he should just tell me. And then he said he wanted to see where things went. Which, isn't a definite answer, is it? I think some of the PPs are right. He'd leave no room for doubt if he really wanted me. I know we've only seen each other three times, but the daily conversations make it feel like so much more. At the beginning, on the site, he said he was ready to meet someone to have a future with. We're quite 'involved' in each other's lives. He's helped me find a care package for my mother, we read the same books and talk about them (like a nerdy book club, he's going to translate my CV for me. I'm not in UK. He gave me a Kindle thing for my mum when she's in hospital. I recently lost my main client and he's going to help me get back on my feet by looking for jobs etc. It's all very coupley stuff, but without the label. We really laugh. He's written me stories - personal stories - he can't be sending them to other women because they were about me and my life. It's all been quite overwhelming. A real connection. I'm really upset.

It's been 6 months and you've only met 3 times?
When was the last meet, and what are your plans for meeting again?

Yes, that's right. But we live three hours apart and a month after we met, my mum's "infection" turned out to be stage four inflammatory breast cancer. So, she has chemo every week. She now lives in my lounge and I'm a full-time carer. I have a 5-year-old on my own. And my mum can't babysit. I've had to cancel on him twice. My mum got a double pulmonary embolism and I had to take her to hospital. It's not easy. In fact, it's absolutely awful. All of it. And I've had enough. The last time we saw each other was three weeks ago. I asked him if he wanted to see me again and his answer was "Of course I do. I hope we're still seeing each other when we're 94 and living in the same old people's home"... which, although sweet, isn't actually a sodding answer.

Man 1 likes the free emotional labour you are providing while he navigates his divorce. But he has no interest in anything serious with you, maybe just because of logistics, maybe for other reasons. His options will be limited because many women will steer clear of anyone who is not yet divorced. I can see you being really hurt by him.

Id go out with man 2. If you don’t feel a spark then leave it at one date. Start exploring other options. Date other men.
But either way do not get overly emotionally invested in man 1.
I don’t know anyone who has ended up in a serious relationship with someone who says “they just want to see where things go”, especially after a couple of months.

Oh love. This must be so, so hard. A hell of a lot to deal with, alone. Really sad reading your posts....

Personally i think Man 1 does care about you, but he is not ready. He knows that, hence keeping you at arms length.

You're more than likely going to get very hurt unless you cut your losses, accept the heartbreak, and move on.

I wouldn't see Man 2 either. End it with Man 1 and give yourself time to heal.

That's really tough for you.

It sounds like you haven't got a lot to give at the moment (that's not a criticism, and it's totally understandable) and given it is quite a short relationship at this point it is probably not surprising that he isn't ready to commit to anything more.

Do you really have time / emotional energy to date man 2 either?

@Mezza17 I’m very sorry to read about your Mum. That must be extremely difficult. You must feel physically and emotionally shattered.

He’s done some nice things for you to show that he cares. Perhaps view him as a friend and nothing more.

Did he know your Mum was ill from the outset?

See the other guy occasionally. Tell this one how much you appreciate the friendship.

Man 1 didn't know my mum was ill from the start... because she wasn't. Everything was fine. And now, she's dying. And maybe I'm trying to pretend it's not happening. It all happened about a month after we started talking to each other. He was there for me as it happened. Maybe I've got tunnel vision with him. I see him as being absolutely perfect for me because we've talked so much and it's all been so intense. And things are intense on his side as well with missing his kid and some trouble at work and buying a new house etc. We're leaning on each other emotionally. And we're so similar with our humour and politics and values and hobbies. And so I don't want to let it go. I really don't. Maybe I'll just contact him a bit less and see if he comes to me. And I'll see Man 2 on Monday for a coffee. I'd have been so excited about seeing Man 2 about 10 months ago. I used to go to soft play with DD a bit too much just to look at him. But now, the poor guy pales in comparison because I've set my heart on Man 1. I'm quite naive. I've not dated a lot in my life. I've had two long-term partners.

OP I really don’t see the issue with saying to him “look, I’m getting interest from other people so need to know if we’re exclusive or not, so I know where I stand”.

Seeing man 2 behind his back on an assumption could backfire or just end up muddying things even more.

Guy 1 doesn’t sound like he’s ever want to be committed so don’t put your life on hold

He's only just divorcing now. Guys/ people at that life stage have their head all over the place, it's a huge life event to go through. You need to give him a bit of time, especially as you say you don't want anything too heavy just yet.

However if being exclusive is what you want, just be clear about it and say it as it is, don't be vague if that's all that you want.

Like PPs have said, he may think you are already exclusive, some people haven't gone along with the modern craze of dating lots of people and playing the odds.

However, asking for a man to properly committ while still mid-divorce and sorting things out is a big ask, so be ready for him to also say he really 'wants to see where it goes' and listen to him and take it at face value. You can't handcuff someone down to committ before they are ready.

Is there a rush for you to be in a serious relationship right away so soon after your breakup? Sometimes some time alone figuring oneself out does people good, and if your man doesn't want to rush from one serious relaionship to the next right away, that is his privilege.

Sounds to me as if man 1's head is all over the place. I'm not condemning him, going through a divorce can really do one's head in.

Perhaps it would be best to tell him that you understand that he's confused and uncertain about what and how he wants his future to be. Tell him you've enjoyed your time together very much but that you need a bit more 'stability' right now and that you feel he's not able to provide that. Tell him that perhaps it's best if you don't see each other 'for awhile' but that you aren't closing the door on him and would welcome him back in your life when his divorce is finished and he's had some time to 'breathe' and get his head together and figure out what he wants for his own life.

Then give man 2 a chance and see what happens.

He's given me a lot of mixed signals

The right guy for you won't do this. It's that simple. Leave him, and don't bother with the other guy either. You already don't think he's that great. Stop seeing yourself as someone who needs a relationship, and wait until someone blows your socks off before considering whether to go long term with them. Mr Mixed-messages-lives-3 hours-away really isn't treating you all that well.

Thanks, everyone. I'm feeling so down with it all. Really down and tearful. It's ridiculous to let a man have this kind of hold over my emotions. You've all been a big help though. You've allowed me to really think it through. I'm going to back off from Man1. He's with his DS this weekend/week. I didn't hear from him yesterday. The last message I got was Friday. A "goodnight/sweet dreams" message. He also offered me a lot of help on Friday with my CV - I'm trying to localise it to where I live. I'm not going to contact him. I'll let him do the running.

I will go for coffee with Man2 tomorrow. I had a massive crush on him last year before I went on the OLD site and met Man1 and I wrote Man2 off because although he was friendly, I just thought it was part of his job and that he HAD to be nice to me. I think Man1 shouldn't have gone on the site so soon after splitting with his ex. She was the one who ended it and went off with someone else. He assures me he has no feelings for her at all, but it must still be too soon. Or he's seeing others. I don't know. I don't think he is, but I don't know. But he HAS made it clear that he's not 100% in. It's odd though. He also sent me a message saying "you know I don't know how to play things with you and that I don't know what will become of us, but I just wanted to tell you how glad I am I met you. I want you to know that". That was sent a propos of nothing.

And after we slept with each other he sent me a jokey message about me sleeping with someone else - someone who works with me and is very annoying. I was upset. And he was REALLY upset that he'd upset me and kept going on and on about how he didn't mean it and that I deserved more than stupid jokes like that and how he needed me to forgive him. And he said he didn't take sleeping with me lightly at all and how wonderful it all was. Right. I've got to stop thinking about it all now. I think because I have so many responsibilities at the moment, I'm looking for emotional support. I should be able to cope without a man. I did for years. It would be so nice to have a good relationship though.

I'm glad you are backing off from man 1
He doesn't want anymore than something casual, he's keeping you interested enough with sex and communication when he feels like it, but it's not enough for you so backing off is the right thing.

Giving a chance to man 2, you might get that spark back again when you meet up, who knows, or maybe that neither are right for you, you aren't tied to either of them so see how things go.

I wouldnt go on the date with the other man. Perhaps ask man 1 first of his intentions as if this were me and my partner went out with someone else while we were dating i would dump him as i would see it as cheating. Its not fair to either man.

Hi op, when I date I require exclusivity. If the person I’m dating doesn’t want to be exclusive then I don’t want to be with him. Doesn’t mean marriage or moving in together.

Man 1 shouldn’t be dating whilst he is still divorcing and messed up from his ex leaving.

You shouldn’t be going through all those mental hoops when first dating someone. It should be fun and passionate.

I don’t think it is worth starting something with someone who lives 3 hours away.

Give man 2 a chance and if not, there are plenty of vegan commies about. Join an environmental activist group and you’ll meet loads. They also tend to be well read and intelligent.

Thanks, Musti. I live in the arse-end of nowhere. I think that's why I feel like I do. It seems as if I've found something very rare with Man1. But there will be others like him. I live very very rurally. In France. This is why I cast my net wide. I'm surrounded by farmers and hunters and there's not a chance I'll find someone to get on with around here. Man2 is 45 minutes away - but that's close around here! He lives in the next town! I need someone who reads, who enjoys the same music, who wants to talk politics/philosophy/literature. I'm not a mega-brain or anything, but I need more than chats about the weather. I started up my own association - animal rescue. It's doing very well, but it only seems to attract mad women and gay men. I'm one of the mad women. I accept that. I have a team of 40 volunteers. I'm well surrounded by friends and people to talk to, but the conversations are ONLY about cats/the shop/ tea room we have at the centre. It keeps me busy, but I was really enjoying that special connection with Man1.

I DO require exclusivity. That's what I asked for. I said that if we were "exploring" each other then I wanted to do that exploring exclusively. I said he didn't have to call me his girlfriend straight away, and that I know it takes time to really fall in love, but that I needed to know he was looking for the same thing as I was. He said he wanted to have something open, with no pressure and that at some point we would maybe realise that what we had was working and we'd agree to support each other and be together for the rest of our lives but that right now he needs to sort his new life out and that he just wants to enjoy "good moments" with me - making love, laughing, talking until the earlier hours about exciting subjects, eating out. He travels a long way to see me. We've only slept together once. He lives in a big city, so if it was just about sex, he could easily get that.

So I went for coffee with Man 2. Within the first 15 minutes, he asked me if my clitoris was pierced. So, back to the drawing board.