It's my birthday and my marriage has ended...

[birthdayflop]

It's been on the cards for a while- his laziness, short-temper, MH problems, gaslighting, violence but I kept thinking something will happen and he'd change. Unfortunately, things got worse and I found I joined him in his toxicity and would answer back which angered him even more. Today he's announced he's leaving. It's my birthday and I wasn't expecting anything but I'm left feeling really sorry for myself. I feel like there's no point doing anything or carrying on because my life is going to be miserable anyway.

I won't patronise you by wishing you a happy birthday. I'm so sorry you've been in this toxic situation, are you safe now? Is there anyone you know in the real world who can support you through this?

Keep talking if you feel you need to

Your life is going to be happier from now on. Make yourself a cold drink and put ice in it. Things are going to get better. Of course you’ll feel wobbly but it’s the best birthday gift you could have got. The gift that will change your life for the better. Happy birthday!

You’re in an abusive relationship and him leaving you is the best present he could have given you.

I don’t wish to minimise all the emotions you’re feeling right now, but I can pretty much guarantee that with time you’ll look back on this day as being a good one.

hope you're ok OP! - look at it as a metaphorical birthday for the rest of your life - a better life without him in it! Immediately book something you can look forward to - a mini break, holiday, haircut, short course. you need something positive to focus on.

And I hope that didn’t sound callous or patronising. I know it’s hard. But it’s so much better being single than being in a bad relationship.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

This should now be the start of your new life. You do not have to not carry on or not do anything. It's he by his actions who has destroyed this marriage and any love you have for him; not you.

Stop now with feeling sorry for yourself and find your fire in your belly. Get him out of your life now once and for all. Have you ever sought legal advice re divorce?.

Has he actually left now or is he just making what could turn out to be idle threats about leaving (because he likes having you around to abuse).

Best present he could have given you, not that he will have done it for that reason.

Take him at his word, agree with whatever he says. Let him go, no fuss. No argument. Don't even mention feelings; he has no right to know about your feelings anymore, he has forfeited that. Which is great, because it means he can't manipulate them any more either. And he's offering you the chance to say goodbye forever to his laziness, short-temper, MH problems, gaslighting, violence

Can you see how that's a good thing, not bad?

For your present to yourself: independence of emotion. Independence practically. Independence psychologically. Don't base your feelings on what he says or does. Don't base your actions on that. Don't base your thoughts on that.

You are free. Happy birthday.

Sounds like a good birthday present he’s given you

What Watchkeys said basically.

I've been divorced and thought it was the end of the world and then went on to have the best times of my life afterwards.

Happy birthday! Honestly, he's given you the best birthday present you could ever have - freedom from him! Start to plan how you want to live your life, and know you'll be living in peace.

My exh ruined my 40th birthday.. He was an exh before I was 41.
Life and my mh improved massively.. Please don't right yourself off op.

Agree with PPs.... It might not feel like it right now, but this is the best birthday present you could ever get!
Here's looking at a much happier birthday next year.

Thank you all- I've been holding it together but your replies made me bawl my eyes out. I'm turned 39 and have a two under fives. How am I going to do it? I feel like I've been forced to close one part of my life off forever. No more hugs, kisses or companionship (he was lovely pre-children and then completely left me to it once he realised parenthood wasn't a walk in the park). I now have to consider sharing custody of the children with him and the thought frightens me. The reason I stayed was to ensure the children would be safe with him- he's volatile. All that will be changing very soon and I'll have to send the children with him and pray they're safe. We've just moved house and I brought so many of dreams with me to make it into the home I wanted it to be. That's all gone. I know it sounds ridiculous but I genuinely believed he'd change.

I have no one to share this with IRL because everyone thinks I'm the strong,happy one who's life is sorted.

I've
Whose*

Its a huge shock and overwhelming, remember you can't sort all this out instantly on day one.

It will take time to come to terms with it emotionally, adjust, separate your lives, work out what happens with the children and all of the things that you will need to think about.

You can't sort all that instantaneously now. Just accept that time will march on and gradually all these things will get sorted. In two years time, your life will look very different. Allow yourself the time and space to get there.

Good luck and all the best on your birthday.

Ok . A list

Put on your favourite LP loud.
Put on your favourite dress
Put on make up & bright lipstick
Get your hair done, even just a blow dry & or a manicure.

Phone a friend/family member & tell them the truth, honestly one or more of them will have guessed.

If you work, take a couple of days off & do what YOU love. Leave kids in nursery/childminders & go to the cinema or the beach or the theatre or a float around the shops and a nice coffee & cake

Tomorrow

Make a list

Find out the best divorce solicitors in your area and nearest big town. Make an introduction appointment with all of them. (Most will have a small consultation fee or free for initial half hour)

Start getting cash back at supermarket.
Do NOT use any of your accounts to buy anything that's not essential ie food, bills, essential transport, childcare.

Use the cash back cash for that.

Get going through the drawers get screenshots on your phone of any of his finances that you can find, (at least 3 months worth - more if you can) do this sneakily.

Bank statements
Credit cards
Pay slips
Paye returns
Anything !

Keep talking on here. We've got you. You CAN do this !!

Hi OP no words of advice but you are not alone. It was my birthday yesterday. He forgot...he has left this afternoon.

I am of mixed emotions. He has basically sponged off me for the past 18mnth. The final straw I thought was yesterday until this morning when my DC declared that his new bike has been chewed to bits by his large untrained dog. There was many things leading up to this point and that was the final nail in the coffin.

Sending strength your way

Other PP have given excellent advice. It’s okay to feel hurt and emotional no matter how bad it was.
One day this birthday will be remembered as the day your life became yours again. That day isn’t today and that is okay.

I'm so sorry this has happened. Even if no one IRL knows, there are plenty on MN right now thinking about you.

If people think you are the strong happy one, then it's because you are. That ultimately won't change because of today. Any human being on the planet would be shaken and upset and worried if they were in your shoes. But it WILL pass. You WILL feel strong and happy again.

In the long term this is so much better for your kids. Living under a toxic parental relationship is awful. Keep talking to us and find someone IRL you can unburden yourself to. There is no shame at all in what's happened to you.

Don't look at it as an ending, look at it as the beginning of the rest of your life, no treading on eggshells, no worrying about when he will kick off. Get yourself a good solicitor, do all your detective work for financial information, write a timeline of the abuse you have suffered to use as evidence for the family court. Make sure he doesn't take anything that is precious to you, get a bank account in your sole name & move as much money as you can from your joint account as you can, put a claim in to CMS for money for the dc & apply for the single person reduction in Council tax, check to see if you are due to any benefits & if you are then put a claim in ASAP.

I think he may have just set you free. The fact he has done it on your birthday says it all. Make a plan solicitors, citizens advice, gingerbread etc. good luck x

What is it with birthdays? I realised in my (shit) 40th that he had to go!!

You’re going to feel every emotion going at the moment and have moments of panic but he has done you the biggest favour. If he found parenting as a couple tough, he’s not likely to want to do it alone.

Hugs you’ll get through this just think no more egg shells dreading what mood he’s in,.

Hi, he just might have given you the best birthday gift of your life, you’re probably not to feeling that today, but one day you’ll smile and be glad. You can and will pick up your life and go forward with your little ones, hour by hour day by day. And one day you’ll not only smile but you’ll laugh out loud at the peace and freedom in your life. Good luck

Those things you're going to miss about him - the hugs and kisses, the companionship - it sounds like they had gone anyway. You had already lost them.

So him leaving won't take any good things away from you, but it will remove the fear, resentment, frustration and upset of living with an abusive man.

It will leave you free to rebuild yourself, to shape your life how you want it to be, to focus on you and your children and to make a happy, calm, loving home with them.

And eventually, if you want, you might meet someone new - someone you can have the hugs, kisses and companionship with. You are now free to do that. It doesn't need to be a priority - you'll need time to work through your feelings and build yourself stronger - and you might just decide single is great!!