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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please some positive vibes tonight - just had a break up

32 replies

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 01:42

So, I posted a couple of days ago about my partner not giving me a key to his house.

Well, tonight he said he was spending the evening with his uncle. No worries. I called him later in the evening, straight to voicemail. Tried another couple of times over the next hour. Same.

This is unusual. He usually answers straight away. I texted his uncle and said I've been trying to contact x but I can't. Is he still with you? Uncle said no. Not seen him all night.

X phoned shortly after and said I'm just leaving uncles to which I said strange, he said he's not seen you all night.

X then said that's it, we're done. I'm not having you check up on me. He later admitted to being with ex-wife (or wife as he said, until I pointed out that she's his ex and and ex as he likes to say is a has-been).

I knew this was coming. He's always admitted to having a very close friendship with his ex and he's always told me he wouldn't tell me when he was meeting her, but the blatant lie hurts.

She knows about me. He won't talk to me about her. It feels very much like she enjoys knowing even though he's in another relationship, she's still no 1 in his life. I get the feeling she likes that power dynamic and he enjoys having a sexual partner (me), but her still being his life-partner.

OP posts:

SelfMadeWoman · 23/09/2022 02:51

Better off without him. Move on. He's not a good man. Good luck. 🌷

MsDogLady · 23/09/2022 02:56

Lonely, after 2 years, I know you’re really hurting, but you’re much better off without this liar who is still enmeshed with his Ex.

I recall your thread about the key. Is his Ex one of the chosen few who have one?

MsDogLady · 23/09/2022 04:33

who has one

Pumpkinbite · 23/09/2022 05:36

my god, thank god this is over
you need to expect better in your next relationship
you do not stay with someone that would hide when he was seeing his ex and would have his ex as no. 1 in his life. Particularly an ex wife he still refers to occasionally as his wife.

equally if someone tells you they’re spending time with someone else for the night, you don’t call them over and over and then call the people you think they’re with, that’s insane. I presume on this ocassion it was your gut instinct perhaps that couldn’t let you drop it, but if that is normal behaviour for you, that’s not ok.

but really just be grateful this is done, and find someone who treats you well, you deserve more than this

isthismylifenow · 23/09/2022 05:46

It's a blessing in disguise OP.

I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but once you have processed this and look back, you will see it.

Don't try to contact him now. As difficult as that may be. Delete his number or do whatever you need to, but do not contact him.

You will be OK. You just need some time. For now just take an hour at a time.

Original poster

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 07:27

@Pumpkinbite he'd said he was dropping in there on the way home from work rather than spending the evening with him. We usually speak around the same time on the evenings we're not seeing each other. I got worried when I couldn't get in touch. If he'd been with his uncle there would be no reason not to answer and say I'm still with uncle Y, I'll call you back in a bit. I know Uncle Y so there would be no reason for him not to answer the phone and just say I'm busy let me call you back later. If he didn't answer the phone it had to be because he was with someone he didn't want to answer the phone in the company of which wouldn't have been his Uncle.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 12:06

@MsDogLady yes, his ex has a key to his house.

I just don't understand why he'd lie about spending time with her. If they want to remain friends after divorce that's not a bad thing and if he wanted to spend time with her I'd

OP posts:

Original poster

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 12:07

Sorry posted too soon.... I'd like to have been given the choice to decide whether it is something I was comfortable with or not. Surely that's not too much to ask is it?

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/09/2022 12:22

Fuck him
it’s hurts and you will be sad 😞

but leave him and his not lucky ex wife wife to each other

pity her for being attached to someone who’s fucking other women , what a total waste

Original poster

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 12:28

I think she likes the idea that if she wanted him back she could have him. That even though he was with someone else he'd still come running back to her if she wanted

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 23/09/2022 12:51

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 12:07

Sorry posted too soon.... I'd like to have been given the choice to decide whether it is something I was comfortable with or not. Surely that's not too much to ask is it?

You do have the choice to decide, right now.

So have a think and make your decision.

Original poster

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 12:58

@frozendaisy the decision has been made for me. He finished it when I challenged him on where he'd been. He finished it because I'd checked if he was telling me the truth and he wasn't.

OP posts:

Isittrueornot · 23/09/2022 12:59

His obviously still sleeping with her.

Original poster

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 13:10

@Isittrueornot that's what I said to him. He claims not and has always maintained that (but then said that side of things was over long before they got divorced). However, emotionally they are clearly still very much in a relationship.

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 23/09/2022 13:17

You seem very controlling so I'm not surprised hes ended it.

Nobody has to give their house key out, why did you ask for it? Why does he have to speak to you every day at a set time, and why do you freak out when he doesn't answer his phone? That is not normal.

Accept you aren't compatible in your wants but you really do need to look at your behaviour before looking for anyone else.

inheritanceshiteagain · 23/09/2022 13:30

Surprised you put up with it this long. Well rid

Pumpkinbite · 23/09/2022 13:56

My DH and i talk all the time, I’m not one of those Mumsnetters who think it’s weird to keep in touch with your partner throughout the day
but still if I didn’t hear from him there’s no way I’d call multiple times and then start calling family members in the time frame you’ve given. I do think that’s a bit much.

your op says he told you he wouldn’t tell you when he was spending time with her, so you were given the choice to decide if it was something you were comfortable with, you decided it was when you stayed with him.
he’s carried out what he promised, that’s all.

that doesn’t make it less hurtful of course, but maybe in your next relationship you need to really hear what that person is telling you about their values and behaviour, it feels like all the signs were there on this one.
again that doesn’t make it your fault, but it’s just good to learn from these things so you’re taking something positive away from them

Original poster

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 14:17

@Pixiedust1234 I wasn't demanding a key for his house! I was asking about what other people's set ups were. However, sometimes for practical reasons if I'm going there or he's coming here the other might not be back yet.

And he doesn't have to speak to me every day at a set time. However, usually we talk on the phone after I've finished work (which is very late evening), so the fact he wasn't contactable got me worried. Usually if I've phoned and he can't answer he'll send a quick text to just say, "Busy will call you later" or something like that. This was just unusual for him. That's why I contacted the family member because it made me think I wasn't being told the truth (and I wasn't).

OP posts:

Catlover1970 · 23/09/2022 14:51

Be honest - you’re controlling and jealous and you were checking up on him.

Original poster

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 15:02

@Catlover1970 thanks.

You'd be entirely comfortable with being lied to then? Something didn't feel right so I needed to check for myself. Maybe I should have just left it and taken what he told me about where he was at face value, or maybe I should have admitted to myself earlier on that I wasn't comfortable with these secret meetings he was having. I don't know. I'm struggling to process things at the minute and don't have anyone I feel able to confide in IRL.

OP posts:

Thestagshead · 23/09/2022 15:11

I’m not sure why you’re blaming her, it’s fuck all to go with her how he treats you and calling her a has been is appalling. He is the one choosing to spend time with her all this nonsense about she likes this or that is bulllshit. If he prefers her he prefers her. End of.

Original poster

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 15:27

@Thestagshead I don't know. Just hurting so much right now and struggling. We've had our differences before and worked through them. This time it's final and it's hurting. It feels like not being good enough.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 23/09/2022 18:28

Lonely, he’s lashing out because you rumbled his lies and subterfuge (as well you should have).

It’s not that you ‘aren’t good enough.’ Their enmeshment and codependence were set long ago. Yours was never going to be a healthy, equal relationship.

Of course you are devastated, but it’s best to be out of his toxic triangle.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 23/09/2022 19:14

I dont know if I am just made wrong or something but having his ex in his life is one thing but her being put before you is totally another. I too would have checked up. Gut feelings are rarely wrong. Sorry you are going through this but let him go now. You deserve a man that will put you first.

Original poster

Lonelylonelylonely · 23/09/2022 20:20

Thank you for your kind words @MsDogLady and @Ohahjustalittlebit

Maybe it was too controlling to check up on him, but his relationship with her and the ease with which he's told lies relating to her have not sat right with me for a long time. I think I've just tried to ignore my feelings on this for too long. Kind of burying my head in the sand and not wanting to see it. They were married for a very long time. It's understandable they will always be close, it's the cloak and dagger nature of their relationship which I was unhappy with.

I feel throughout the whole relationship he's been trying to train me not to question him and the more he tried, the more I questioned.

It's probably for the best, but it doesn't make it hurt less. His default reaction whenever we've had disagreements has been to say right that's it we're done and I've always apologised and gone back.

OP posts:

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