Please some positive vibes tonight - just had a break up

[Lonelylonelylonely]

So, I posted a couple of days ago about my partner not giving me a key to his house.

Well, tonight he said he was spending the evening with his uncle. No worries. I called him later in the evening, straight to voicemail. Tried another couple of times over the next hour. Same.

This is unusual. He usually answers straight away. I texted his uncle and said I've been trying to contact x but I can't. Is he still with you? Uncle said no. Not seen him all night.

X phoned shortly after and said I'm just leaving uncles to which I said strange, he said he's not seen you all night.

X then said that's it, we're done. I'm not having you check up on me. He later admitted to being with ex-wife (or wife as he said, until I pointed out that she's his ex and and ex as he likes to say is a has-been).

I knew this was coming. He's always admitted to having a very close friendship with his ex and he's always told me he wouldn't tell me when he was meeting her, but the blatant lie hurts.

She knows about me. He won't talk to me about her. It feels very much like she enjoys knowing even though he's in another relationship, she's still no 1 in his life. I get the feeling she likes that power dynamic and he enjoys having a sexual partner (me), but her still being his life-partner.

Op is feeling insecure due to the actions and behaviour of her untrustworthy lying partner. Which is hardly surprising.

He is not treating her fairly. She certainly doesn't deserve the third degree by Mumsnetters.

OP. You deserve better and know it. Get this man and his baggage right out of your head. You are well rid IMHO!

Thank you for the support @Ratherperplexed

It's not the first time he's lied to me, though it's the first time I've told him I know. The other times I had no concrete proof, just a bunch of stuff which didn't quite add up.

It makes me think if he's lied to me about this so readily what else he might have lied about, or

Bugger, stupid phone!

Or just omitted. Anyway, I've ordered an STI testing kit to be on the safe side.

Previously (about a year in on our relationship) I found condoms. We don't use them. That was my fault too when I found them. There weren't any used in the packet, but there was no cellophane on the packet, which he claims there never had been (I've never seen a packet of condoms not wrapped in cellophane). The date on the packet suggested that they were not old ones.

Time to let go. I know.

Good luck OP. Onwards and upwards and don't look back 😊

You’ll get through this, hugs handhold you’re well rid of this lying etc and ex wife business.

I'd like to have been given the choice to decide whether it is something I was comfortable with or not. Surely that's not too much to ask is it?

It's not too much to ask. He clearly didn't think you would be ok with it, so chose not to tell you.

That's the sort of person he is.

You have dodged a bullet. Your future without him is going to be do.much.better.

@FinallyHere @Always4Brenner thank you. I'm still feeling somewhat lost and numb at the minute, but I guess I've been through worse and survived.

Looking back, there's been a lot of gaslighting over the last couple of years, to the point where I've really started to question myself and needed to write things down so I knew exactly how I remembered things only to be told it was something else entirely.

I think the thing with his ex-wife is only the tip of the iceberg. There's been other behaviours too which got my spidy senses toggling, but I tried to ignore. In any previous relationship I wouldn't have fact checked like this, but my gut was telling me something didn't add up or he was withholding information and it turned out I was right. The fact that his default reaction is always anger and put downs rather than trying to work things through and make me feel more secure was very telling.

Whether he gets back with his ex, or finds someone new who will be more accepting of his secret relationship with his ex, I don't know but looking back this will never work for me.