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Original poster

Feel overwhelmed by needy parents (who are still quite young!)

38 replies

Celia24 · 22/09/2022 22:57

My parents are divorced and neither have went on to have successful partnerships. I am also an only child & therefore all their focus is on me.

I'm still a fairly young woman - I sadly split up with a serious partner last year, so a lot of hopes & dreams went with that. As soon as the split happened both parents started pressuring me to go on trips with them - to become their companion basically.

Now they each contact me constantly. Yesterday my father and I were messaging throughout the day. He asked what I thought of a room he'd decorated in his house - I was on a work trip for the day and I'm also recovering from covid and hadn't replied 18 hours later. I then got a message - 'you haven't said what you think of my kitchen?'. I then get missed calls as he think something bad has happened to me. 'Why?' - 'Well you didn't tell me what you thought of my new kitchen?'

He is under 60, already partly retired and becoming needy. My mother is arguably worse. I love both my parents but their emotional needs piled onto me is too much. In the last year I have had depressive thoughts about the ides of dealing with this for the next 20 years or so

I constantly try to put in boundaries by not replying for periods but it never sticks. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2022 23:00

I think the crux of the issue is that both want a closer relationship then I feel I can have with them. They are each dysfunctional in their own way - and while I want to have a relationship with them, I don't want such frequent contact.

It feels like something I can't escape.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 22/09/2022 23:01

What do you mean ‘it never sticks’? You say ‘I’m super busy this week, will get back to you in a bit’ and ignore them until you have a moment. You don’t have to deal with anything unless you choose to.

Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2022 23:15

What I mean @Cherchezlaspice is that it isn't as though I implement this clear boundary of not being in touch more than once a week or so and they get the hint/respect it and that's it.

For about 4/5 years im constantly reasserting boundaries or coming up with excuses. They never take the hint about the obviously minimal level of contact I'm comfortable with.

Another example is that last week I told my mother I wasn't able to see her but would let her know soon when I could. The next day she made an appointment 5 mins from my home when she lives out of town & asked to 'drop in'. She only did this to force me into seeing her.

OP posts:
Mistystar99 · 22/09/2022 23:16

I think you'll have to be gentle but firm. Decide what you are willing to do, then don't be pushed into things you don't want to do. It is not OK for either of them to take over your life.

Cherchezlaspice · 22/09/2022 23:18

It’s unfortunate that they don’t respect your boundaries, but you need to. In the example given, if she asks to drop in, then you say ‘no, I’m busy, that doesn’t work for me’. And so on.

They can’t force you to do anything. They don’t have that power unless you give it to them.

Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2022 23:25

Mistystar99 · 22/09/2022 23:16

I think you'll have to be gentle but firm. Decide what you are willing to do, then don't be pushed into things you don't want to do. It is not OK for either of them to take over your life.

Thanks. I've always been generally respectful of my parents.

But in recent years their demands on my time and even just my emotions has become unreasonable. It's something I thought might happen when they were older but they are still quite young.

And trying to make me their companion to fill that space...don't they want me to meet someone new & grow my own family? Im starting to feel I need to say something about the way they're behaving without starting Armageddon.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 22/09/2022 23:32

You can be respectful without being a doormat. Respect is not about doing what the other person wants without question.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 22/09/2022 23:33

Is there absolutely no way that the two of them can get back together again? They both need someone in their lives, why can't it be each other?!

CuteCillian · 22/09/2022 23:38

I wonder if wires are getting crossed here;
I sadly split up with a serious partner last year, so a lot of hopes & dreams went with that this, coupled with your recovery from Covid, makes you sound rather sad yourself. Possibly they are worried about your mental health and they see their 'over involvement' as necessary to keep you on an even keel.
In their 50's I'm sure they would be horrified that you see them as dependent. Tell them you are very content and happy and that you have a busy work/social life. This will reassure them and ensures an occasional chat is enough for all parties.

Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2022 23:39

@OnTheBrinkOfChange they did once and apparently it didn't work out. They are actually still friends but can't live together apparently.

I completely agree they need someone else in their lives. They seem to think I can be that person - I can't. I refuse to be.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2022 23:40

Be careful what you wish for.

You clearly aren't bothered to be in their lives. Do them a favour and be blunt about it so they can move on and stop wasting their time.

Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2022 23:42

@CuteCillian I hadnt thought of it like this. Maybe that's part of it. Or maybe they give themselves the excuse of thinking I need them as a reason to always be in touch. Maybe I should mention that I'm fine and just busy with life as a young woman which is true!

I remember their own relationships with their parents - they didn't have mobiles and spoke about once a week. They would have been driven mad if their own parents had been this way.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 22/09/2022 23:42

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2022 23:40

Be careful what you wish for.

You clearly aren't bothered to be in their lives. Do them a favour and be blunt about it so they can move on and stop wasting their time.

So they can ‘move on’ from their child? Because she doesn’t want to constantly act as their stand in partner and would like some space to live her own life?

Are you quite alright?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2022 23:45

Cherchezlaspice · 22/09/2022 23:42

So they can ‘move on’ from their child? Because she doesn’t want to constantly act as their stand in partner and would like some space to live her own life?

Are you quite alright?

Show quote history

🙄

ByTheGrace · 22/09/2022 23:49

I suspect they might be assuming you are depressed and need their support. This would be my Mum's reasoning, the irony is I'm in my 50s and my Mum is in her 70s!

Cherchezlaspice · 22/09/2022 23:52

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2022 23:45

🙄

Show quote history

So, no. You’re not.

Original poster
Celia24 · 23/09/2022 00:09

ByTheGrace · 22/09/2022 23:49

I suspect they might be assuming you are depressed and need their support. This would be my Mum's reasoning, the irony is I'm in my 50s and my Mum is in her 70s!

I don't think I've given them a reason to think I'm depressed. If they think that me not being in touch all the time must mean this, that's their issue.

Being single does not equal depression. Im lucky enough to have a fairly good life, am just back from a great trip with friends, career going well etc. I think it's more about them being lonely themselves and trying to use me as a life raft. God it sounds awful to say but I think it's true. I feel drained by it.

OP posts:
Ottersmith · 23/09/2022 00:23

You are entitled to grow as a person without them trying to keep you near them and always available. It sounds like a nightmare situation. It also annoys me that having a boyfriend is the only thing that makes people leave you alone. Like you are theirs again because you dobt have a boyfriend. I think stick with your boundaries and if they can't accept it then that's for them to work in themselves.

pompomdaisy · 23/09/2022 00:33

Sit them both in the same room and tell them straight what effect their behaviour is having on your mental health. Say to them this is how things are going to be from herein...Plain and simple. They have made you into the adult in this dynamic and they are the children!

2bazookas · 23/09/2022 00:39

It sounds to me as if they are doing their best to be there for you and support you, keep in regular contact, suggest trips etc because you have a history of sadness and recently had a bad break up.

They aren't being needy; they see you as the needy one.

Ticksallboxes · 23/09/2022 00:44

I so disagree with most of the advice on here.

They are your parents and you are a huge part of them. They loved and raised you. You maybe don't have much in common, but don't you just want to see them at least weekly because they're your parents?

I can't believe anyone in any European country would be posting this very depressing thread...

Original poster
Celia24 · 23/09/2022 00:46

2bazookas · 23/09/2022 00:39

It sounds to me as if they are doing their best to be there for you and support you, keep in regular contact, suggest trips etc because you have a history of sadness and recently had a bad break up.

They aren't being needy; they see you as the needy one.

A 'history of sadness' is a stretch. No, this isn't it. I've declined trips with them several times and they continue to push it. They do this because they don't want to travel alone and no longer have each other.

They know fine well I holiday with friends. The fact I could be construed as they needy one is laughable. Good one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 23/09/2022 00:49

No I don't want to see them weekly just because they're my parents @Ticksallboxes

When parents are divorced and unpartnered it adds twice the pressure - they both want to see me and speak to me a lot separately - to fill the partner space in their lives. I love them but they are dysfunctional and I need to look after my mental health.

OP posts:
Chimchimchiree · 23/09/2022 19:13

I am one of three siblings. DSis and DB live their lives as they please - DB has moved three hours away with his wife and DD, DSis has moved a hour away with her DH and DS - just far enough away that visits are rare. They are not in the least bit concerned about their lack of involvement or responsibility for my DM, who is widowed and has multiple health issues. I have been way too soft / compliant and so everything falls to me - I’m a single parent and live close by, and I’m now the default carer, shopping assistant, taxi to hospital appointments, have to do all her ‘life admin’, etc.
It is draining, and prevents me from living the kind of self-focused life that my siblings enjoy. It severely impacts my mental health. Do NOT fall into this trap. Build firm boundaries, and stick to them. Tell them straight if you need to, but do NOT live your life for someone else.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/09/2022 19:29

It's something I thought might happen when they were older but they are still quite young

All the more reason to get a handle on this now, because if they're like it in their late fifties they'll be impossible if they make it another 10/20 years

If the "hints" don't work you may need to block them - mentally and literally - when it's inconvenient. No need to be unkind; just tell them if you won't be available and make sure you're not