Feel overwhelmed by needy parents (who are still quite young!)

[Celia24]

My parents are divorced and neither have went on to have successful partnerships. I am also an only child & therefore all their focus is on me.

I'm still a fairly young woman - I sadly split up with a serious partner last year, so a lot of hopes & dreams went with that. As soon as the split happened both parents started pressuring me to go on trips with them - to become their companion basically.

Now they each contact me constantly. Yesterday my father and I were messaging throughout the day. He asked what I thought of a room he'd decorated in his house - I was on a work trip for the day and I'm also recovering from covid and hadn't replied 18 hours later. I then got a message - 'you haven't said what you think of my kitchen?'. I then get missed calls as he think something bad has happened to me. 'Why?' - 'Well you didn't tell me what you thought of my new kitchen?'

He is under 60, already partly retired and becoming needy. My mother is arguably worse. I love both my parents but their emotional needs piled onto me is too much. In the last year I have had depressive thoughts about the ides of dealing with this for the next 20 years or so

I constantly try to put in boundaries by not replying for periods but it never sticks. Does anyone have any advice?

If they are like that at that age it's only going to get worse. Be firm OP, but kind. The boundaries you put in will work if you stick to them, but if you continue to cave things will only get worse. Have you tried replying to messages with an thumbs up emoji which should end any further conversation. I use it a lot.

Can you encourage them to join social groups for their age group. Saga do singles holidays so they can meet people with maybe similar interests. The only way your going to get off the hook here is if they have other people to talk to. They could even live separately but still go out for days together as it sounds like they’re still good friends.

Just be blunt with them. Kindly of course.

Compare how they (probably) weren't substitute partners for their parents.

That you love they had a new kitchen but their interior design doesn't interest you.

That you want your own holidays not being sad Billy no mates with your mum/dad.

That they are smothering you.
That you don't have time.

That they need to look at local meet ups with people their own age

Just be honest, take the fall out. In the end it will be a happily, healthier, for all.

My MIL is moving right close to us shortly. I have had to be blunt about a couple of issues. But we haven't fallen out. It's healthier having a more honest relationship. Our child rearing and expectations on our time are different to their experience.

And I don't care if we fall out a bit. I have my life and time to be concerned about. The older generation have had their midlife to live how they wanted. They can piss off if they think my time is about them.

It's not being harsh. It's not about love or devotion it's about honesty. Honesty works. It really does. But you can do it gently.

I think you should just be honest. From the description, I wouldn't say come across as needy; it may be they different levels of need of contact.

What on earth does geography have to do with this? This comment seems ridiculous to me. So much so that I wonder if I have completely misunderstood your intention.

We don't have to see our parents weekly because you want to see yours (or because we're European!!)

@frozendaisy how harsh and selfish you sound

Op you do what you can. My mother is needy 80. I told her straight can only do so much for her. I work and have my own family. Your parents are young op. Just be careful we had years of it. She start text me at work I had ignore texts. I hadnt time for crap. Always a drama too

U3A, church, bridge club, gardening groups, classic cars, embroidery, painting, bowls, cycling, book club, WI, Men's shed, so much they could do - volunteering for any charity.

What isn't sticking is your adherence to your own boundaries. Say no and mean it. Ignore pushing.

Or maybe @frozendaisy just has firm and justifiable boundaries, @Spck ?

I agree your parents sound as if they are being needy.

if you feel you can’t tell them straight then think of it in the long term. Keep telling them your boundaries, adding in no go times etc. gradually increase reply times, don’t answer calls, send emoji replies, etc etc. keep telling them how busy and full your life, create a pretend hobby/interest and bore them rigid. Be annoying.

I don’t think it’s wrong for you to have your own life, that’s what we as parents should be enabling our children to do.

I say this as the mother of an only DD with a STBXH who rings/texts/FaceTimes her way too often I am now very conscious of how often I’m in contact with her and try to leave her in peace.

You are not their comfort human. Tell them you are going to be less available, tell them why and then be less available. They will survive. This is not turning away from a housebound 90 year old with disabilities but two people who need to find a way of getting on with their lives without such dependency on an adult child. It's not good for you and actually not good for them.

Saying this as someone their age.