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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gut feeling...

27 replies

DoctorMartensBoots · 22/09/2022 20:14

My boyfriend (of 18 months) and I see each other 3 or 4 nights a week. When we're not together, it's usually because one or the other of us is at a hobby, out with a friend or spending time with our respective children. We're not in constant contact but we always know what the other is doing.

However, there have been a couple of times when I feel he has been a little 'evasive'. Either, just avoided answering the question "what are you doing this evening?" or by being vague in his answer.

It's not about checking up on him, I rarely ask him because he usually asks me first and I tell him. He tells me. I feel I trust him but tonight, we'll, I don't know.

Today, he didn't ask. We chatted after work as usual but he didn't ask what I was doing this evening. We usually see each other on a Thursday and this week nothing was said.

Anyway, so I asked him what he was up to tonight. He didn't answer. He told me what he did after work and what he was doing right then but nothing about this evening. Basically, he has said nothing and has avoided being untruthful.

It's just very out of character and unlike him and it's got my spider senses tingling.

He lives 30 mins from me. I need to go out to get petrol and a pick up a couple of things. It's quite a nice drive to his...

Would it be ridiculous of me to take an evening drive just to see if his car is at home? Alone?

I know others will think this is bonkers but it's just so put of character. If he was going out for a drink with his friends, he'd just say. We always do.

Something about this just doesn't feel right.

He's also read but not replied to my last message after an hour or so and that is just unheard of.

OP posts:
antwacky · 22/09/2022 20:24

Not ridiculous at all, even if it's just to set your mind at ease. Hope your gut is wrong though.

FetchezLaVache · 22/09/2022 20:28

I'd do it - you should never ignore your gut, but equally, you presumably don't want to end an 18-month relationship on the strength of spidey senses alone! And as @antwacky said, hopefully it's nothing and you'll have set your mind at ease.

DoctorMartensBoots · 22/09/2022 21:47

I drove round. His car was there. He messaged me while I was on the way to say he'd fallen asleep reading 😕

OP posts:
DuckPancake · 22/09/2022 21:57

Oh bless him 🙈

LondonWolf · 22/09/2022 22:00

DoctorMartensBoots · 22/09/2022 21:47

I drove round. His car was there. He messaged me while I was on the way to say he'd fallen asleep reading 😕

Grin

Never tell him you did this.

FetchezLaVache · 22/09/2022 22:03

Phew!!!

But imagine if you hadn't gone - "I fell asleep reading" would sound dodgy as hell in the context of your OP!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/09/2022 22:41

Not trying to stir OP but you know he was at home...do you know if anyone else was at his house?

SherbertLemons · 22/09/2022 22:46

You should always trust your gut.

My gut says if this was the man for you you wouldn't have felt compelled to drive to his home under the cover of darkness and check up on him. I'm not judging you, jeez I've done many a similar thing in the past when I wasn't in the right relationship. Kindly, it's just something to think about.

Alcemeg · 22/09/2022 22:52

My gut was terribly wrong in similar ways for the first year or so with now -DH. I'm all for instinct, but sometimes we project our insecurities. I wish it was easier to tell the difference in those awkward early years!

LadyLolaRuben · 22/09/2022 22:52

Theres never anything wrong with doing spot checks. It gives you reassurance and if it doesn't - its a good job you checked!

Catlover1970 · 22/09/2022 23:12

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/09/2022 22:41

Not trying to stir OP but you know he was at home...do you know if anyone else was at his house?

You are stirring

DoctorMartensBoots · 23/09/2022 06:55

Yeah, I'm as confident as I can be that no one else was there.

And, no, I won't ever tell him! But I'm glad I went.

It's hard to explain but I don't always trust my gut instinct (because it's sometimes wrong) so it's helpful to me to check things to get a bank of evidence in his favour rather than against him.if that makes sense.

So the next time my mind runs into overdrive I've got things to reassure myself with.

But when the worry sets in it just feels so real.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 23/09/2022 11:10

Are you sure he was there? Could he have been picked up by someone else.

Its always good to trust your gut and something, well a couple of things, felt out of the ordinary to you. Maybe just keep one eye open and see if anything else a little odd happens.

DoctorMartensBoots · 23/09/2022 13:04

I shall do.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 15:40

My gut says if this was the man for you you wouldn't have felt compelled to drive to his home under the cover of darkness and check up on him

I'm with you, @SherbertLemons

Suspicion, regardless of fault or blame, isn't healthy. If you can't ask him, and trust his answer, you don't trust him. Needing to spy is a sign that the relationship has gone wrong. I can't quite believe so many are saying it's fine.

kamilarandon · 23/09/2022 15:58

This reply has been deleted

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totallyoutnumbered · 23/09/2022 17:10

Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 15:40

My gut says if this was the man for you you wouldn't have felt compelled to drive to his home under the cover of darkness and check up on him

I'm with you, @SherbertLemons

Suspicion, regardless of fault or blame, isn't healthy. If you can't ask him, and trust his answer, you don't trust him. Needing to spy is a sign that the relationship has gone wrong. I can't quite believe so many are saying it's fine.

Totally agree. I'll also never pick up my DPs phone and "snoop". Decided long ago that if I had to do that the relationship was dead in the water

Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 17:31

@kamilarandon

Intuition is a good thing, but are you sure you should always rely on it

You should never rely on it. You should always listen to and try to understand the message it's giving you. It's a signpost, not an order.

thisbathiscoldnow · 23/09/2022 17:38

Not to stir things but are you sure he was in?

Sorry it just rang alarm bells... my cheating ex regularly used the evasive technique for answering questions to avoid having to think up a lie on the spot, then after being uncontactable for a while would use the 'sorry I fell asleep on the sofa' excuse

Turns out he was out with other women

Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 17:42

Yes, I'd second that @thisbathiscoldnow . Not stirring, but my car's been outside my house all day. I've been out.

So the next time my mind runs into overdrive I've got things to reassure myself with

You don't need to reassure yourself with a bank of anything in a healthy relationship. You tell your partner you're feeling insecure, and they reassure you, and you feel better. If any of these steps fail, you're a little bit up shit creek.

Why don't you talk to him about it, @DoctorMartensBoots ?

DoctorMartensBoots · 23/09/2022 18:27

Why don't you talk to him about it,

What's he going to say?

If he's doing the wrong thing, he's hardly going to admit it just because I asked him. And words of reassurance are easy.

He messaged me good night as usual but it was at 9.30. He has an early start on a Friday and often goes to bed around 10.30/11 but 9.30? I'd not really registered that until just.

I don't want to tell him I'm feeling insecure.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 18:32

If he's doing the wrong thing, he's hardly going to admit it just because I asked him. And words of reassurance are easy

Well, you say this as if you think it was a silly question, but what your answer reveals is that you simply don't trust him. You don't trust him to admit if he's messed up, you wouldn't trust him if he reassured you.

Do you want this sort of relationship?

Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 18:34

I don't want to tell him I'm feeling insecure

It's a perfectly natural human emotion. How are you ever going to feel reassured if you can't even admit that you're feeling anxious?

If your relationship was healthy, you'd be able to talk about it. Sorry. Not what you want to hear, I know, but he's not the guy for you, whether he's done anything wrong or not. You'll feel safe, with a compatible partner.

DoctorMartensBoots · 23/09/2022 18:37

Watchkeys

You're right. I hadn't thought about it like that before.

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 23/09/2022 18:52

Listen to watchkeys. She speaks loads of sense. You shouldn't feel anything but secure x

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