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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tired of my boring DH

35 replies

JooliaJane · 22/09/2022 18:24

He has never hurt me, was very understanding through a medical emergency, no financial secrets. We are both early 40s and fit.
He is going off sex and intimacy.
I miss it and am upset. We talk and he puts his arm round my shoulder and reassures my and we have a couple of encounters.
Then quiet for a couple of weeks with nothing. He will usually respond when I lead, but it is tedious.

At a smart reception, a woman started talking to me, gave me her card and a very warm smile and said, “could we meet.”?

Very tempting. Do I just react as I would if it were a date with a man?
I do not want it to seem that I will give it a try with a woman as consolation.

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 22/09/2022 18:37

gets popcorn and sits and waits for OP to get her arse handed to her by Mumsnet

Fairislefandango · 22/09/2022 18:42

Very tempting. Do I just react as I would if it were a date with a man?

What you do is end your relationship. Then you can go on as many dates as you like, with people of either sex.

Kenny69 · 22/09/2022 18:44

He has never hurt me, was very understanding through a medical emergency, no financial secrets. We are both early 40s and fit.

f’king ‘ell, I’m a bloke and I’d marry him in a flash…

Very tempting. Do I just react as I would if it were a date with a man?
So your looking to cheat because your husband doesn’t have enough sex with you?

What happens if / when finds this out and divorces you

Mumtobe2023 · 22/09/2022 18:45

noirchatsdeux · 22/09/2022 18:37

gets popcorn and sits and waits for OP to get her arse handed to her by Mumsnet

🤣🤣

Incrediblebuttrue · 22/09/2022 18:47

Do I just react as I would if it were a date with a man?
Yes. "Sorry I'm married ".

ladydimitrescu · 22/09/2022 18:48

Divorce your husband, then you can have as many encounters with as many men or women as you like.

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 22/09/2022 18:51

Incrediblebuttrue · 22/09/2022 18:47

Do I just react as I would if it were a date with a man?
Yes. "Sorry I'm married ".

Exactly this!

LarchDragon · 22/09/2022 18:53

If you need more sex than your husband gives to be satisfied then divorce him

TabithaTittlemouse · 22/09/2022 18:55

Incrediblebuttrue · 22/09/2022 18:47

Do I just react as I would if it were a date with a man?
Yes. "Sorry I'm married ".

What they said

iklboo · 22/09/2022 19:10

Your husband goes off sex a bit and now you're instantly bi?

Original poster
JooliaJane · 22/09/2022 20:14

Yes, I see it that way certainly. 'Arse on a plate' etc
This has been going on for two years he won't/can't change. We talk and talk. After two weeks or so back to neutral.
We used to work together, now he insists on doing it all. He is wrapping the business we used to run together. No disagreement about closing in it. It has run its course. But it is my business life that is ending as well as his. I want to be involved. Neither will he talk about new projects.
I will not be haus-frau. (we have no children).
Do you think I don't realise that there are few options and divorce is probably the most likely? I have been faithful to him since our first date. I am not treating this casually or lightly.

OP posts:
JellyJaba · 22/09/2022 20:19

I don't really get what you're asking? Are you asking permission to cheat on your husband?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 22/09/2022 20:22

What’s stopping you going and starting up your own project?

JamesBondOO7 · 22/09/2022 20:23

FFS - be honest with your DH
At the very leaset you own him that and just in case he does not tell you to leave, do the decent thing and leave. Let him build a new life when he is relatively young and you yours.

lailamaria · 22/09/2022 23:54

wonderful, end your relationship first and you can go on as many dates as you like but currently you are in a committed relationship so that's what you sort out first, do not go on any dates whilst you're still with him

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2022 23:57

You don't have kids to deal with. FFS, just get a divorce and then you can do whatever you want.

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2022 00:02

It’s weird you’re conflating the end of your (joint) business with your lack of sex and therefore the opportunity to ‘meet’ another woman.

If you don’t want to divorce, discuss an open marriage. If he doesn’t want that, get divorced.

Then you can start your own business, and who you choose to have sex with is your own business too.

EmmaH2022 · 23/09/2022 00:08

OP
are you sure the woman was asking you out in that way?

PineOrange · 23/09/2022 00:24

JooliaJane · 22/09/2022 20:14

Yes, I see it that way certainly. 'Arse on a plate' etc
This has been going on for two years he won't/can't change. We talk and talk. After two weeks or so back to neutral.
We used to work together, now he insists on doing it all. He is wrapping the business we used to run together. No disagreement about closing in it. It has run its course. But it is my business life that is ending as well as his. I want to be involved. Neither will he talk about new projects.
I will not be haus-frau. (we have no children).
Do you think I don't realise that there are few options and divorce is probably the most likely? I have been faithful to him since our first date. I am not treating this casually or lightly.

Do you mean he is freezing you out of your shared life and making buisness/financial decisions without your involvement ?

Are you wanting to re connect and do you feel he is puling away from you ?

Your post is a little confusing.

Seraphinesupport · 23/09/2022 00:43

Your choice is either

  1. Cheat and be sad when he finds out and divorces you and be guilty that you've broken such a kind man's heart
  1. Talk to him about wanting an open relationship for sex as your not happy but you love him (if you do which doesn't sound like you do)
  1. Leave him and go have as much sex as you want with whoever you want with no guilt attached
ANiceBigCupOfTea · 23/09/2022 00:52

It wasn't really clear from the OP so my question is have you made it really clear to him you're unhappy with the lack of sex and intimacy? It can be a difficult conversation to bring up, but unless you really clearly communicate your needs he may think you're OK with what you have at the minute.

AuntTwacky · 23/09/2022 01:27

Sex troll alert

JestersTear · 23/09/2022 01:36

Are you worried that he's planning to leave you perhaps?
Closing off the business, withdrawing from you intimately? Is that what you're saying?

Assuming the woman was propositioning you, are you prepared to chat on your husband because it would be cheating.

Original poster
JooliaJane · 23/09/2022 13:23

@PineOrange , etc
If I sound confused it is because I am confused.
Cheating: I have never considered it ever as I said. Since our first date I have not been with anyone else.
We were fine at the first Lockdown, we were working together and doing some good business. A new competitor came into our market with access to a different technology. We are winding up, there are assets we are selling.
I deserve to be part of that. Not to leave it to him to become lone Alpha Male.
When I try to discuss this, he fobs me off, goes grumpy, makes short statements, not respond to me the way he used to.
It is this change in him that is difficult to take in. I have suggested he talks to GP. He felt insulted. Insulted he said. That was his response when I was worried about his health.
The woman I met is a side show to all this really. But it did jolt me into thinking about myself and where we are going to be next year after we get closure of the business and thereafter.
The woman may want to offer me a job or more likely want me to join a committee not proposition me. But it was a very direct look and smile. If it had been a man, I would not have taken his card.
Sorry for the drip feed and the essay. But I have now connected all my brain cells which I should have done before my OP.

Careful thinking time last night.
Let me reassure you all I will not be beastly to him. I shall try again to get him to GP or an expert.

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 23/09/2022 13:30

Are you sure she wasn't a jehovah's witness or summat?