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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tired of my boring DH

35 replies

JooliaJane · 22/09/2022 18:24

He has never hurt me, was very understanding through a medical emergency, no financial secrets. We are both early 40s and fit.
He is going off sex and intimacy.
I miss it and am upset. We talk and he puts his arm round my shoulder and reassures my and we have a couple of encounters.
Then quiet for a couple of weeks with nothing. He will usually respond when I lead, but it is tedious.

At a smart reception, a woman started talking to me, gave me her card and a very warm smile and said, “could we meet.”?

Very tempting. Do I just react as I would if it were a date with a man?
I do not want it to seem that I will give it a try with a woman as consolation.

OP posts:

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/09/2022 13:39

You go girl, life is too short to be trapped in a boring relationship, you should tell your DH that you need some time to explore your sexuality so he should move out of the home to give you space, take this kind woman up on her offer. If he objects well that just confirms him to be the controlling emotionally distant man that he probably is. In fairness he is probably gay and would welcome the honesty. He probably suffers from death grip as well.

ChristmasJumpers · 23/09/2022 13:49

Sounds like you have two options. Stay with your husband and try to work through these issues (and nothing to stop you finding hobbies/projects outside of your marriage if you will no longer be working together)
Or you end the relationship if you feel like your DH will not work with you so that you can both be happy together and open with each other

I am very black and white on this, you're either in a relationship or you end it and then explore other connections. Never both.

Did this woman literally just give you her card with no pretext? Very odd thing to do and I wouldn't be contacting her based on that alone

Jewel1968 · 23/09/2022 13:56

Sounds to me like you are deeply unhappy with the state of your relationship. The sex (intimacy)or lack thereof is a symptom, the business stuff is another symptom. Are there other symptoms?

I think you are trying to build the courage to leave and you are asking MN for help/insight. Perhaps you would be better getting some counseling for yourself.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 23/09/2022 15:38

JooliaJane · 23/09/2022 13:23

@PineOrange , etc
If I sound confused it is because I am confused.
Cheating: I have never considered it ever as I said. Since our first date I have not been with anyone else.
We were fine at the first Lockdown, we were working together and doing some good business. A new competitor came into our market with access to a different technology. We are winding up, there are assets we are selling.
I deserve to be part of that. Not to leave it to him to become lone Alpha Male.
When I try to discuss this, he fobs me off, goes grumpy, makes short statements, not respond to me the way he used to.
It is this change in him that is difficult to take in. I have suggested he talks to GP. He felt insulted. Insulted he said. That was his response when I was worried about his health.
The woman I met is a side show to all this really. But it did jolt me into thinking about myself and where we are going to be next year after we get closure of the business and thereafter.
The woman may want to offer me a job or more likely want me to join a committee not proposition me. But it was a very direct look and smile. If it had been a man, I would not have taken his card.
Sorry for the drip feed and the essay. But I have now connected all my brain cells which I should have done before my OP.

Careful thinking time last night.
Let me reassure you all I will not be beastly to him. I shall try again to get him to GP or an expert.

I would guess that he might think he a bit of a failure in your eyes if the business is folding and assets being sold, this might be linked to his self esteem and how he perceives himself ( withdrawing from sex /intimacy etc), maybe he needs a chat to a therapist or relationship counselling to get his feelings out ( and maybe more importantly how you feel about him )

what new projects are you looking at & are you looking at them together?

iklboo · 23/09/2022 16:08

But it was a very direct look and smile. If it had been a man, I would not have taken his card.

But it's ok because she's a woman?!

User49393 · 23/09/2022 16:27

So now your suddenly bisexual?

I've always thought that there is no such thing as a straight woman, I think every woman has the potential to be bisexual

iklboo · 23/09/2022 16:35

@User49393 - I'm 53 and have never been sexually attracted to women. I mean, never say never I suppose but up to now my lovers & fantasies have all been male.

By the same argument surely all men must have the same potential to be bisexual?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/09/2022 16:38

There is NEVER a good reason to cheat. Plenty of good reasons to leave, but never to cheat. And cheating is cheating, no matter the gender/sex of your affair partner.

If you're 'bored' and he's not fulfilling your needs (sexual and/or otherwise) first you have a very frank 'discussion' with yourself to see if a change in him would really make a difference in your feelings or if you are just 'done' no matter what he might do to change. If you think there is 'hope', then you have a frank discussion with him, including that you are thinking of ending the relationship due to your unhappiness. Since there appears to be no abuse in the relationship, consider counseling if both of you feel it might make a difference. If, after you examine your own heart, you decide that you are done. Then you talk to him and split with dignity, not in the midst of a mess of infidelity and possible discovery.

Original poster

JooliaJane · 23/09/2022 18:30

User49393 · 23/09/2022 16:27

So now your suddenly bisexual?

I've always thought that there is no such thing as a straight woman, I think every woman has the potential to be bisexual

I think I accepted her card automatically as one does in business. Because it was a woman I was not 'on-guard'. We are always wary of men.
As I drove home I started thinking.
So far she has not called. Probably forgot me already.

OP posts:

Aikko · 23/09/2022 19:19

Maybe you DH would like to watch. 😅

Honestly, these threads.

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