Uncomfortable about her past & worried I'm not enough?

[Rockingtheboatgf]

This is a bit long but I want to give background

So me and DD (6) have been alone for a while. I recently came out which being in my late 20s felt like I was turning up to the party when everyone else had done the mingling and getting to know you part. Did the online dating thing which was horrid but then met a lovely woman through a new friend from a course I was studying in the evenings. We took things slow. Built a frienship and a solid relationship I thought. It was a bit of a revelation for me having such strong feelings for someone, I had played at 'being in love' before but this was just something else. Something real. She is a couple years older than me. I was immediately attracted to her. A sharp sense of humour, very intelligent, steady job, just adulting really well which is a change of pace in my life. Just about everything I could have dreamed of. Not put off by my late coming out, lack of experience or my DD. Cherry on the cake actually that she was great with her, one minute she is this dependable presence in my life helping with mundane stuff I have always wanted and the next she is sitting on the floor playing games with DD and conspiring with her to talk me into ice cream before dinner. DD and I moved in with her and I felt my life was starting in a new brilliant direction.

Sounds great right? I thought so too. But then I met her friend group.
We went for dinner and it...it was eye opening. Her friends were very welcoming at first but there was also a sort of disbelief that my OH had a steady gf and one with a kid. Even more shocked we had moved in with her. There were a lot of comments about how domestic it seemed and how I wasn't what they ever expected their friend to go for. OH I could tell was uncomfortable and annoyed by it and was very sweet saying it just took meeting the right woman. More talk followed and as the drinks flowed my OHs friends began talking about the OH's past. It became apparent that being 'experienced' and 'worldly' would be an understatements for OH...I had no idea. It became quite clear that her friends were confused by her 'settling' for me because I am, well, I admit I am a bit repressed and introverted, probably why it took so long to come out.

When we got home I started asking questions about her past relationships and sexual experiences. When we had done this earlier in our relationship she had said she had only had one serious relationship and a few casual things. Turns out she left out a lit of details, like all of the one night stands, casual FWBs, sex clubs, and other various things. OH got very defensive and eventually snapped, said that there wasn't a kink or sexual combination she hasn't at least tried. I have been very self conscious about the difference in our level of experience, but this just made it seem worse. Some of the things her friends implied and talked about, they make me very uncomfortable and I now doubt if being with me can ever be enough for her. I'm never going to be anything but vanilla. Coming out felt daring and I still struggle to feel okay with accepting the things I desire.

OH says all of that was in her past. That she was lashing out because of her family's rejection and that her sexual exploits were more about hurting herself and proving she could do anything she wanted when she was struggling to know herself. I just don't know if I can believe it. If I can look at her the same again and trust that what we have is enough. I feel so self-conscious and afraid that I am boring her. Also, a small part of me I hate to admit to is worried how people will look at me if my OH has this sort of reputation. Do they think I am now doing some of the things she has done or that she has settled for me?

I am just so confused and questioning everything about our relationship now. What else was she hiding? Am I and my domestic little life really enough for her? Can I trust her when she says we are?

Obviously it's more concerning if a woman moves her young child into a man's home that she barely knows. But it's still shit if it's another woman.

I don't care if the OP feels like it's a pile on. She's moved her child into the home of someone she barely knows who isn't the person she thought she was (personally I wouldn't care about the sex life but clearly it bothers the OP).

It doesn't really matter what the issue is. They don't know one another well enough, have hit a massive stumbling block and the poor kid is caught up in the middle of it.

Don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to.

That was then, she's with you now. Maybe she wants stability and reliability and to leave the past where it is.

Haven’t had time to read the whole thread, OP, but my two cents anyway.. my DH does not know everything about my past, nor does he need to. He would likely be shocked, I’m sure, but it was my part, my experiences and as I’ve tried it all as it were, I’ve no ambition to repeat.

I love my DH and I didn’t settle for him, I wanted to be with him, truly - and that was after all the wildness of my earlier years.

I feel your OH’s friends have been unfair to her to try and shame her past almost, and expose her as it were. Entirely unnecessary IMO. It also clearly made you uncomfortable which is not cool.

I’m can totally see why you’re upset, but I can also see why OH didn’t say and got defensive. At the end of the day, moments in the past like those do not reflect the feelings OH has for you now, and the defensiveness is likely as she is feeling heavily judged (perhaps) by friends and it does feel there is a bit of shaming there. I personally don’t think you’ve anything to worry about.

People with colourful pasts often do want to settle down at some stage. And their friends who are still living colourful lives will look on with disbelief and feel that they might be losing a member of their group to domesticity. It happens in heterosexual relationships too!

She most likely thought that sharing too much too soon might put you off.

She didn’t lie to you, she just didn’t tell you everything about her past- it’s not your business anyway op. You’ll ruin this relationship which sounds good if you can’t get over yourself

She sounds great. We all have a past. When we're young we do crazy things! Not all of us but I definitely did and I'm happy to be settled with dh and kids. I don't long for that. It's gone.

well she hasn't done anything wrong, she has a past that doesn't involve you, you've hardly been together years on end so it's not like it's a massive breach of trust also why wouldn't you believe her, she's told you that it's her past and that you're enough but you seem to be so insecure that you want to cause the relationship to crumble because you're afraid

Honestly, if you love each other, I’d just embrace everything and not worry about the past. I’m straight but was much like your partner when I met my now Dh. I’d lived a very fun life and dabbled in lots of different things. He was about as opposite from ‘my type’ as anyone could have imagined. In fact, one of my best friends used to tell everyone that ‘my type’ was ‘tattooed biker guys’. Dh is studious and somewhat nerdy and definitely no tattoos, and much less experienced than me.

But he was kind and dependable and wonderful (and still is 14 years later) in a way that all the tattooed guys with motorcycles and kinks were not. He’s the best person I’ve ever known and I love him even more now than I did 14 years ago. If you have a happy relationship, I’d just give it time and let it grow. It sounds like your partner is figuring out what she wants at this stage in life just like you are too.

You ARE an adult, and a responsible parent, yet you chose to move in with someone you knew so little about you'd never even met her friends . You took that risk for your self AND your child; you are responsible for not communicating enough with DP, so it's a bit late now to be whining that other people know her better than you do.

My main takeaway from your OP is that your DP has terrible friends. How rude and nasty. I bet they loved it when they were all partying and maybe she was the "crazy" one and they don't want her to actually have a normal, healthy, stable relationship b because then that might make their own lives seem inadequate.

Peronsally, I'd be worrying about whether your DP is upset about her friends' behaviour and comments and how you could support her.

I am surprised and mildly horrified, to be frank, that you would move your daughter in with someone you have only been in a relationship with for 9 months. This was not a wise move OP and is very unfair to your daughter.

“My main takeaway from your OP is that your DP has terrible friends. How rude and nasty. I bet they loved it when they were all partying and maybe she was the "crazy" one and they don't want her to actually have a normal, healthy, stable relationship b because then that might make their own lives seem inadequate.

Peronsally, I'd be worrying about whether your DP is upset about her friends' behaviour and comments and how you could support her.”

This with bells on. Take your focus off yourself and think about how your partner feels. Your DP didn’t lie and you need to stop seeing it that way. She was under no obligation to share details of her past with you - that’s her private history. And from what you say, she is a tender and sensitive lover and that may well in part be because of the experiences she has had. My DH had had way more sexual experience than me but he also was keen to settle down when the time came. If you continue to view it the way you’re currently viewing it, you will ruin a great thing.

Wow. Moving in within 9 months is certainly not what I'd class as taking it slow.

Also, she didn't need to tell you anything about her sex life before you met.

This relationship is over I think.