Uncomfortable about her past & worried I'm not enough?

[Rockingtheboatgf]

This is a bit long but I want to give background

So me and DD (6) have been alone for a while. I recently came out which being in my late 20s felt like I was turning up to the party when everyone else had done the mingling and getting to know you part. Did the online dating thing which was horrid but then met a lovely woman through a new friend from a course I was studying in the evenings. We took things slow. Built a frienship and a solid relationship I thought. It was a bit of a revelation for me having such strong feelings for someone, I had played at 'being in love' before but this was just something else. Something real. She is a couple years older than me. I was immediately attracted to her. A sharp sense of humour, very intelligent, steady job, just adulting really well which is a change of pace in my life. Just about everything I could have dreamed of. Not put off by my late coming out, lack of experience or my DD. Cherry on the cake actually that she was great with her, one minute she is this dependable presence in my life helping with mundane stuff I have always wanted and the next she is sitting on the floor playing games with DD and conspiring with her to talk me into ice cream before dinner. DD and I moved in with her and I felt my life was starting in a new brilliant direction.

Sounds great right? I thought so too. But then I met her friend group.
We went for dinner and it...it was eye opening. Her friends were very welcoming at first but there was also a sort of disbelief that my OH had a steady gf and one with a kid. Even more shocked we had moved in with her. There were a lot of comments about how domestic it seemed and how I wasn't what they ever expected their friend to go for. OH I could tell was uncomfortable and annoyed by it and was very sweet saying it just took meeting the right woman. More talk followed and as the drinks flowed my OHs friends began talking about the OH's past. It became apparent that being 'experienced' and 'worldly' would be an understatements for OH...I had no idea. It became quite clear that her friends were confused by her 'settling' for me because I am, well, I admit I am a bit repressed and introverted, probably why it took so long to come out.

When we got home I started asking questions about her past relationships and sexual experiences. When we had done this earlier in our relationship she had said she had only had one serious relationship and a few casual things. Turns out she left out a lit of details, like all of the one night stands, casual FWBs, sex clubs, and other various things. OH got very defensive and eventually snapped, said that there wasn't a kink or sexual combination she hasn't at least tried. I have been very self conscious about the difference in our level of experience, but this just made it seem worse. Some of the things her friends implied and talked about, they make me very uncomfortable and I now doubt if being with me can ever be enough for her. I'm never going to be anything but vanilla. Coming out felt daring and I still struggle to feel okay with accepting the things I desire.

OH says all of that was in her past. That she was lashing out because of her family's rejection and that her sexual exploits were more about hurting herself and proving she could do anything she wanted when she was struggling to know herself. I just don't know if I can believe it. If I can look at her the same again and trust that what we have is enough. I feel so self-conscious and afraid that I am boring her. Also, a small part of me I hate to admit to is worried how people will look at me if my OH has this sort of reputation. Do they think I am now doing some of the things she has done or that she has settled for me?

I am just so confused and questioning everything about our relationship now. What else was she hiding? Am I and my domestic little life really enough for her? Can I trust her when she says we are?

Where does this idea of ”repressed” come from?
You said it multiple times now.
Is you, how you think you are, did she say that to you or somebody else?

I've had a busy and exciting youth. I have always been a committed, faithful partner and relationships that I've ended were nothing to do with the boudoir. Usually because my partner has been a dick. Don't spoil your relationship by being immature.

I came out about 2.5 years ago to my family and friends. It still seems really new to me still. Then again, I'm not sure when it will stop feeling new. I had one of those anonymous HR work diversity statistic forms the other day where you fill in your details and I still had a little moment where I had to pause when I ticked the box for sexuality: gay.

My previous relationships were all with men and for obvious reasons did not work out. Nor did the horrid online dates with women. My previous experiences of relationships and dating has been unstable(?). I think that is the right word. I always felt like the adult one in the relationship before because I was always worrying about bills, chores, being practical with money, budgeting, organizing to have things fixed, making plans for the future, sorting getting additional training so I could get a promotion, childcare and being a mum. OH just felt different. Suddenly I had someone not only to talk to about these things but who was interested in helping out, giving advice and making plans for future which were realistic and sensible. It sounds really stupid but when we were dating my shower mains switch broke. I was stressing about getting an electrician to come out and see to it and she turned up with a new switch that evening and replaced it herself. That basic level of help was, and still is, a bit of a revelation to me. If she had turned up with a dozen roses I would have been less impressed than what that switch said to me. It said she had listened when I was moaning about it and did something to help. That is what I meant by her adulting. Is that a really low bar or odd thing to want in a partner?

Don’t overthink it, don’t worry it to death.

why care what she used to want? What she wants now is you. She seems to have all the cards in your eyes : sophistication and experience. But you have a lot of the cards in her eyes: innocence and simplicity. You also have a huge treasure which you are prepared to share: your daughter, who she seems to love.

the past is the past.Don’t let it poison the future.

So you've been dating her nine months and you've moved you and your six year old in with her?

And, as you've just found out to your daughter's cost, you don't know who your girlfriend is at all.

I think that is how I see myself maybe? I feel like because it took me so long to work out who I am that I missed out on a lot of the growing and experiences I would have had if I worked it out earlier instead of running into a terrible relationship with DD's father to hide from it all. Growing up, the idea of exploring who you are and discussing sex and sexuality weren't on the table.

And I admit I still have a lot of hang ups. I'm still not fully comfortable with myself even after coming out. I still have that little voice in my head from all the crap I heard growing up saying its wrong. Then I have no interest (or idea even what it is honestly in most cases) in any of the elaborate things OHs friends were discussing. They discussed it so casually, but it made me feel really uncomfortable. OH says she doesn't care about any of it and loves me. Is happy with what I like and how we are. Yet, even that wasn't plain sailing. OH was/is so patient and understanding. Even discussing sex when we got to that stage of our relationship felt nerve wracking and I was so embarrassed cause in my head, you just don't discuss that stuff, but OH was so lovely about it and open. The idea of discussing consent and what I wanted in bed made me want to curl up and die from embarrassment, but she was so calm like we were discussing what restaurant we should try for dinner. Thinking about that difference in approach to sex and sexuality I sort of label myself as repressed. OH just shrugged and said I was shy, that it was all new and I'd get there.

I think I am my own worst enemy. As other posters have said, I am picking at something and making a mountain out of a mole hill maybe. I need to have another chat with OH. I know I need to be less self-conscious of what other people might think cause that is pointless, but I also just really need her to explain why she lied and I had to find out from her friends.

She didn't lie OP, she just didn't tell you some private stuff and it should have been her choice when/whether to tell you, it wasn't information you had an automatic right to. If you go into this with the attitude that she has been deceitful you will be being very unfair to her.

She loves you and wants to be with you! Don't be intimidated by her past, she's moved on

It's one thing feeling insecure if someone's sexual history doesn't match yours, but I'd be absolutely heartbroken if a partner of mine started to judge me when I told them about such intimate things.

I notice you’re not acknowledging or responding to any of the posts that point out that your OH’s past and previous experience is none of your business and that interrogating her and, to be blunt, being so fucking judgemental about it is really not on.

I don't mean this to sound unkind, but given your reaction, I'm not surprised that she wasn't keen to reveal all until you insisted she did. Her past really doesn't sound especially outrageous to me, but even if it were, as lots of PP have said, it's nothing to do with your or your relationship.

I also just really need her to explain why she lied and I had to find out from her friends.

Good grief. You're really not listening, are you? Keep digging that hole.

I think if anything you're proving nicely here what she might have feared would happen if she had gone into more detail voluntarily. She had absolutely no obligtation to, and it seems she was very wise.

Why, after reading all the replies you've had here, would you still feel it reasonable to ask her to explain why she lied to you?

As previously pointed out if we switch genders in this tale, and for arguments's ake a man is doggedly pursuing his relatively new female partner for explanations as to why her sex life pre him has been so much more non-vanilla than his, there would be outrage and rightly so.

You need to deal with this. Not her. It is not her responsiblity to fix your insecurities. She sounds patient and kind but she should not put up with this level of foolishness. Take some time to read the replies you have had and really absorb them.

I'm jealous, stuck in a marriage with a man

She hasn’t lied. She doesn’t owe you graphic details about what she got up to with previous partners. It does sound like you had a particularly conservative upbringing which has obviously left you with a lot of hang ups about sex. As long as nothing she did before was illegal or non-consensual it isn’t a problem - many, many people are into things that aren’t vanilla and they’re perfectly normal respectable people. It’s also normal to discuss sex openly in some friendship groups as you saw with hers.

She has nothing to apologise for. She’s done all she can to reassure you. She isn’t trying to pressure you into anything you don’t want, she respects your boundaries and actively sought consent with open conversations about sex (again, this is a good and positive thing). Perhaps your general attitude to sex is something you’d be better exploring in therapy?

If this level of prying and judgement into a woman's past were done by a man the OP would have been handed their arse on a plate! Don't project your hang-ups and attitude on someone else. What she did prior to meeting you is none of your bloody business!

It's the fact she hid it and what the sex consisted of. Multiple partners and some of the things I had to google to know what they were. I just can't understand how the lovely person I know could be into any of these

Is a woman an 'unlovely' person because she's had a varied sex life? What deems a woman 'lovely' in terms of sex life? Less partners? Missionary position? Vanilla only? What do you mean she 'hid it?'. I dont declare my past sex life to any partner at all.

Her sex life before she met you is none of your business. You like her, or you dont. I hope she doesn't allow you to hang around her longfaced moping and forever questioning because she isnt as 'pure' as you'd somehow imagined. If you were a man questioning and judging your OH, MN would be telling her to leave you.

You're fae too prudish and judgmental for her. & she has stupid, indiscreet friends. You don't seem particularly suited.

You've really phrased your post as if you're a shy innocent naive woman. I'm not buying it. You're an adult, you have a child. You know whats what.

It's you that doesnt think SHE is good enough for you but youve got around how horrible that would sound by implying you dont think you're 'enough' for her.

You could maybe just forget all this and enjoy your relationship, including how great she is with your daughter. If thats not enough for you then leave the woman alone. If you choose to stay though, bear in mind she could just get fed up with questioning, woe is me, delving into her past private life and send you packing.

I also just really need her to explain why she lied and I had to find out from her friends.

Stop, already. Do not do this. You will push your relationship to an inevitable breaking point if you pursue this.

Hi, I think you have to let it go, she sounds great and if she hasn't given you any reason to think that you, or your sex life, is not what she likes then you have to believe her, you say she knew you as a friend before you got together so she knew you and she knew what she was entering into.

I have noticed that lesbians in general tend to be much more sex positive and open to experimentation. Not held back by ideas of having to be a 'good girl' or anything. So you are probably seeing the benefits of that....try to accept that she is ith you eause she wants to be, her body is hers and it was up to her what she did with it when she wasn't in a relationship..

Also, just to add.....her friends sound mean and patronising, what were they trying to achieve?

I just also read your post to my gf and she says that she thinks the friends were nasty and need a kick up the backside, but to just believe her, if she is settled now then she is settled. Also that you just have to be open with each other and talk about everything.

I am slightly horrified by this. I am a lovely person with a varied sexual past. It's not anyone's business. The fact you are judging her on this and think she owed you all her history is really controlling. Your responses and accusing her of lying are starting to sound abusive.

I think the problem here is your OH's friends, it was really rude of them to talk like that in front of you IMO. Your OH's past is her past - it sounds though almost like a form of self harm because of the trauma of being rejected by her family.

Tell her that you're upset that she lied to you and that you want her to be open and honest with you because that is essential for trust and trust is essential for a good relationship. I think you might actually be just what she needs and the same could hopefully be said of her for you. Communicate, talk about this, tell her your worries about being too vanilla, talk about honesty and trust but don't let this ruin what could be great for you both. Use it as a way to create depth and trust through really opening up and being vulnerable with each other.

She sounds like a really good person and you're lucky to have her.

Op has responded to this, as I've mentioned something similar, apparently she has thought it through...

Don't want to pile on but was going to post the same. Moving in within 9 months is taking it slow? OK you may have somewhere to go if it goes tits up but how disruptive for your daughter.