Help i told him to leave.

[Happywhenitrains7]

I was sleeping upstairs with my son. He comes upstairs to attic where I am demanding to talk . He’s holding door open not letting me shut it . Forces me to bang it against his foot to try to get him away. He won’t stop insisting I talk to him “ do you think this is mormal? He keeps saying. I’m hyperventilating trying to get the door closed as I’m exhausted and I want him out of my space . I have two kids with autism and am constantly floored with exhaustion and he has always wanted these late night talks shoe years about all the inadequacy of our marriage etc. I’ve had enough. I can hardly breathe I’m so stressed but he keeps blocking me and he’s 6 ft2. I told him I don’t love him and it’s my home ( it is my home) and I want him to go. He’s noisily packing now. My kids will find this so hard o can’t even begin to describe and I feel I e let them down so badly but I man who loves his wife does not block her when she needs space does he forcing her to get more and more upset ?

Listening tp
him leaving. I’m so upset but I don’t have the energy anymore.

If he constantly wants to talk about the inadequacies of your marriage (i.e. that youbare not doing enough to stroke his ego no doubt) then you are better off without the marriage.

You're kids will find it tough to begin with - as all kids do without the autism complication. But beyond that as long as you keep them doing what they always did and need to do they will survive. You might actually find things easier without his added dead weight hanging off you.

I know it will be easier because I just feel constant dread at how he will be but it’s going to be so hard also because we have so many issues to still deal with together because of the children.
can anyone respond to my reaction to him
blocking me and stopping me from closing the door? Did I overreact ?

No you didnt but be needs to go.

Worry about after when he's actually moved out, he doesn't sound as if he's going to be easy to get rid of.

Can anyone talk to me? I’m destroyed. I didn’t want this but I just had such a reaction to the way he he has been behaving. Also he complains that I don’t want to spend time with him but inevitably when I do he becomes unpleasant. Last night I waited for him to get home ( long commute) and served a nice dinner and I could tell by the way he was talking that he’d been drinking. He said “ what does it matter”. It firs matter because whilst I was waiting for him to get home ( me exhausted after running around with kids all be say driving to school twice a day / to Theraoy etc ) hr Is having s drink and turn coming home and being unpleasant. I’m just so tired and him doing this show of physical strength at 10 pm blocking me from shutting my door and shouting up the stairs whilst our son slept just pushed me over the edge. Im panicked now as it’s all going to be so hard. Can anyone help?

It doesn’t sound like he offers you any support at home. He seems to expect you to dawn over him on his arrival from work and is angry you are with your DC. When what he should be doing is offering you time out and spending time with his own DC. He sounds like a bully- and him demanding late night conversations to tell you about all your failings is enough to chuck him out. Never mind blocking you - I think you might find your happier with him not in your home

It will be hard, But at least its hard as part of a path to something good. To a peaceful stressfree home. To not being anxious all of the time.

You are being bullied in your own space, when you are sleeping and in a vulnerable state. He is rude and unpredictable and not a supportive husband or father. Possible drink problem. You snapped and have shocked yourself but this has been a long time going. You need to model good relationships and a non toxic environment to your kids.

He is going to Gaslight you and try to grind you down. Offer to forgive you. Tell you you are mental, overreacting the works.
It actually doesnt matter. You dont need his permission to seperate. If you are done you are done. His view of it is irrelevant.

It will get easier.

It was already hard. Yes it will be tough to find a new routine but the fact that you can suit yourself and not need to deal with him will be a blessed relief.

you did not over-react. Now just take it one step at a time. Expect to feel numb, emotional, confused, overwhelmed but see it through and there’s a peaceful happy life out the other side of all this!

I don’t think you over reacted, if he wants to talk he needs to choose a time you’re both able to talk, not forcing you to do it. Yes it will be tough on your own, but I’m sure you’ll find the strength

It will be hard for you on your own but its been very hard for you with him. Has he gone now? Have you got any family support nearby?

You have done the right thing and you didn’t overreact.

Bloody hell, his timing is awful. You’ve got your hands full and he blocks you because he wants to talk. He should go and leave you in peace.

So sorry you are dealing with this op. It will be difficult yes, but things are obviously difficult now, just in a different way. You didn’t overreact - things came to a head and it sounds like he didn’t handle it well. He needs to go and give you (both) space, at least for a while so you can talk at some later point at a better time. I hope you have some support eg from family or friends.

What you are doing, telling your husband to leave, is a hard thing to do, but it is the right thing. Keep telling yourself this through all the mess he keeps throwing at you and practice developing a fierce shield around you that his mess does not penetrate. It falls to the floor and withers. Hard but doable with practice, like a version of grey rock.
Communicate by email and get the space you need.
Your husband is a bully, there’s no need to accommodate that.

He didn't wake me up I was sleeping upstairs in another room with myself son in the bed and he started shouting up the stairs when I went up their after dinner ad I came down to tell him him to stop shouting because my son was in my bed and my daughter needed to sleep and he insisted we talk . When I refused he held the door ad kept grabbing it every time I freed it . When I tried to push him away he kept moving showing me his strength anD I was breathless and pleading with him to leave me alone and he kept doing it. I am not proud of this byut stated banging the door against his foot to get him to move it. Once I had the door close I Locked it and shouted at him to leave. The problem is I have two kids with high needs and my son is very desperate that we all stay together. I only have very elderly parents no other support. Because he has a long commute he is home after they both go to bed during the week and I am on my knees with exhaustion at that point ( tricky behaviours) . I have stopped wanting to spend any time with him. At weekends he helps with the kids and they love him he is honestly playful and patient and kind with them but he does little to make my life easier. We have been in separate beds for a long time because he snores but also because the kids have beeb such poor sleepers a I haven't been able to return to sleeping together. He has always been very unhappy about this. he expectation that we have sex has become a horrible pressure on me as lately he has just been unpleasant and angry and drinking lots of beer and I haven't wanted him near me. Also when he's feeling good giving me hard kisses I don't want and then acting hurt when I pull away. But the blocking the door please tell me I didn't overreact to this?

Sorry its not clear: I was already in another bedroom and had gone up their after dinner to go to bed and my son was in that bed sleeping and he came up shouting " hellO? Do you think this is normal?!" and I went down and said" no its not , im very unhappy , please leave me alone" and he was insisting we talk.

OP you've been repeatedly told you didn't overeat? What do you want us to say? You're fixating on this one incident.

You need someone IRL with you and you need to keep him gone. Focus on that.

Sounds like alcohol makes him worse and leads to him just looking for a row. You have done the right thing. If the children are his make sure he plays his part in looking after them when he moves out.

It’s been two days and I haven’t heard from him or covtactex him. I have been feeling really unwell , exhausted, aching just not wanting to do anything I normally would, I just feel petrified with this sort of brewing despair . Can anyone offer any advice? I am also very very worried about him and about my children and the mess which I I’ll ensue.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. I haven’t been through what you’re going through so can’t offer any practical advice. You’ve been given some good advice above. Do you have a friend you can call?

I have also come to realise that he has not paid any money into the account since the beginning of June. As I have income of my own as a landlord I had not noticed this as I have had a very stressful summer and had taken my eye off the ball in terms of what was going in just had so many outgoings. I now think he may have done this to prove a point as I had said to him that he only paid a portion of his income into the family account. He got angry about this and I think he may have then stopped paying any more in. I don’t see how he could not be aware that he wasn’t paying it?

If he tells me that he stopped paying it because of what I said then I think I would be justifiably angry ?

is that financially abusive?

Have you spoken to anyone irl about what has happened? I think that would help you.
He will have to pay financial contributions for his children but that could take time to arrange.
it sounds as if you’ve had a pretty miserable time with your husband, he doesn’t listen to you, doesn’t respect your feelings and his drinking makes it worse.
Use this time without him to spend some calm time with the children and by yourself. Thousands and thousands of mums bring up children on their own and make a good job of it and all children are better off in a calm home with one parent than with two battling ones.
Talk to someone you trust and also think about speaking with a solicitor.
This will get better, try to take control of the situation.

I hope you are okay OP.
He sounds extremely difficult and domineering. I hope he’s paid that money into your joint account.

I think he stopped putting it in because of the remark I made about it not being only a portion of his income as it is just under half what he earns. I know he spends much of the remainder on his long commute which is my fault as I chose to live in a different t area. We separated previously for 2 years and I bought a home with help from family and inheritance. But he has been living there with no rent or mortgage but constantly makes me feel bad that I own the home and not him and also because I have other incomes through property which I need to cover our huge outgoings ( lots of private therapies for kids etc) . I still badly need his contribution to cover things. I don’t have a career to fall back on because the kids have had such high needs and he was always happy for me to stay at home . I do everything in the house literally everything. Yet I am expected to cover all expenses using what he gives me plus my income and he has recently been complaining that we should have a budget for paying large bills relating to the childrens” major costs ( private “ assessments etc) so we can go 50/50. It doesn’t seem fair particularly as he is always making me feel like shit about the fact that I have my own money ( I am hugely aware btw of how fortunate I am compared to many other women and how bad it is for people now and I really don’t want to offend anyone this is just my situation and to explain what’s going on for me), .