DP criticises if I ever spend money

[aghhhhhhhh]

NC'd as I'm very active under my usual mn name.

I have 2 young DC that aren't DP's. We live together and are a very happy family but there's one thing that is really bothering me. DP comments every time I buy anything, saying that I'm a spendaholic, have issues with money etc which isn't the case. DP's income is a lot higher than mine but we pay the bills in proportion and don't have joint accounts. So it's not like I pay for everything and DP keeps his money separate and all for himself, he contributes fairly and often buys things the DC need (without me asking him to). So he's not mean or stingy either. However, we live fairly remotely and as such, I do all of my shopping online. So DP sees ‘everything’ that I buy- but it’s not excessive, it’s the top up of makeup that’s ran out, clothes/shoes for DC if they need them, occasional book/small toy, that kind of thing. I do all of that online rather than in store and sometimes it comes in multiple packages/deliveries and as a result, probably seems more than it is. Any time anything comes, he comments saying that I’m addicted to spending, I’m a spendaholic etc. I don’t ever ask him for money as I don’t need it, I manage on what disposable income I have, which isn’t loads but I’m not in debt/overdraft and save money each month. I also don’t buy things every month but sometimes things need replaced at the same time so it’ll be nothing one month and then potentially several the next. I just get a bit upset because I’m not doing anything wrong and it’s just the normal things that people buy but online rather than in store. Can someone please tell me if I am being really silly with money or if DP is overreacting?

Also, so not to drip feed, a bit I left out by accident was that I've bought a decent pair of shoes because I only have two pairs, one of which is primark, but I'm worried what DP will say when he sees them, about me being really silly with money/obsessed with shopping etc.

He sounds like a controlling arse.

Financial control, pure and simple I'm afraid.

More red flags a communist convention.

Dump him, you can’t he expected to live like this, checking everything you do. I agree he is a control freak.

Tell him:

"Stop acting like a controlling arse around my money.

Seriously. Stop it. Today."

👍

Don't ever share finances with him he will become even more controlling.

What does he say if you challenge him about what he's saying?

@category12 usually nothing but I know he's still thinking it.

I have dc that aren't dh's. Never would he dare comment on my spending...
Slippery slope you are on op.
Or let him shop and cook for himself.

I think I'd say to him in a quiet time: "it's become an issue and really upsetting to me that you keep acting like I'm a big spender and keep commenting on how I spend my disposable cash. I save, I stay within budget etc, so you need to stop, stop commenting, stop making faces (if he does). It's mine to manage, and you need to butt out, otherwise it's going to damage our relationship. Everytime you think about saying something, I want you to stop and consider whether it's worth hurting me and chipping away at our relationship or whether you'd be better restraining yourself."

My ex always used to say this. I have no idea why. He used to make me feel guilty for everything I spent - and I was the breadwinner. It was really weird! It's awful though.
I think I'd say now (with hindsight)
Stop saying that now. You've said it too often.

You are being financially controlled and such behaviour is abusive in nature.
Was it his idea to live fairly remotely?. If so that was deliberate, such men like to further socially isolate their chosen target. He is a terrible role model of a stepfather to your children and not a man they should also be learning about relationships from.

I presume you live miles away from your family too.

When was the last time you went to the dentist, got your haircut, buy some shoes etc. I would think he does all these things far more often than you do.

Talking to him about this will be a waste of effort because he feels he has and is doing nothing wrong here. He knows and he does not care, such men only care about getting their own needs met.

Plan your exit now from this abusive relationship with due care. Womens Aid are well worth contacting here.

If he's not being a controlling arse... then at best he's being seriously unkind. It's snide and unnecessary.

It's none of his bloody business what you spend your money on. He's not losing out in any way.

And having more than 1 pair of shoes does not make you profligate. Just out of interest how many pairs does he have?

@BeggarsMeddle if I had to guess, around 60 but hasn't bought any since we met- because he doesn't need to, whereas I do.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

This is my husband to a T. Comment on every parcel that arrives. I also only shop online and am not in debt, I save, earn my own money. He hates me spending money. After 20 years I crack on and ignore him. . He's not controlling its just one of his traits I choose to accept. It's not a deal breaker. Very frustrating I agree but at the same time I would hate to be with anyone in debt and bad with money 😅

I'm sorry, what? He has 60 pairs of shoes?!

That's financial control. No way should you be coming up with justifications to buy a new pair of shoes. I have about 30 pairs and wouldn't think twice about buying another pair.

Just seen this update. Whoa 😮

No no no.

My hubby is kind of the same but less so.. he earns much more than me, we have a joint account, never ever tells me what to spend money on.
However he will occasionally log onto the banking app and go through things with a fine tooth comb which irritates the life out of me.. like ooh £100 in Next what was that for etc etc. I realised one day that he never questions me paying my credit card bill so if I decided to splurge on a new handbag or nice coat I'll pay for it on my credit card and transfer the exact money from our joint account to cover it and he's none the wiser!

Is he stopping you from buying stuff, or just commenting on it? I'd tell him to butt out.

You have two pairs of shoes and he has 60 and thinks he can comment on what you buy?
Jog on prick!

SIXTY??????!!!!!

I'd tell him to jog on. DH and I have been married over 35 years with joint finances and we never question the other's purchases.

Neither of us is a miser nor a spendthrift though