I would like some opinions on a friend that I have known for about 24 years please. Sorry but this will be long. For a long time I have thought that she is no friend to me and just stuck my head in the sand but now I've just had enough. I wonder if my feelings are justified.
About 18 years ago I lived in a houseshare with 3 others when she moved to the same city and asked if she could stay until she found a houseshare. She stayed for 5 weeks on a mattress in my room, and in our Antipodean community this is called dossing and you pay £5/night to do this. She constantly went on about having no money, she hadn't been paid from the agency for her last job, she might have to borrow from her siblings or return to our home country. She went on so much that my flatmates said to just make it £120 for the 5 weeks.
She left without paying us, said she would be in touch when she had money.
Two weeks went by and I didn't hear from her so I text her and she met me the next day with the money (I'd only been in the flatshare for 3 months and was embarrassed). Never heard from her again for a few months. Also while she was staying she went out with other friends for meals/drinks constantly but never invited me (I wondered where the £ was coming from), had very long showers (gas meter), never cleaned/tidied up after herself, and one night came in at 2am and turned the bedroom light on, turned my PC on, and began updating her CV. I was too shocked to say anything after being woken up.
Then a few months later she came to stay the night before an early morning flight, and she emptied her bag on the floor and cleared out all the rubbish (she's very disorganised) and left it in a pile. She left early AM. I later went to put it all in the bin and came across a bank statement and noticed that it was for the period starting about a month before she stayed with us. She had been paid by the agency a week before she stayed, and overall had £10 short of £5k in the account. No other new large payments had gone in so she had had money well before before she stayed. She also told me that the new job was a temp job as a Receptionist, however I just found out a year ago that this was actually a permanent research role paying £38k (I saw the offer letter when she showed me her CV folder), same company though.
Another time she was supposed to get to mine for about 6.30pm and we would be going out for dinner/cinema/she staying over, so she text to say she was on the bus (lived just over an hour away). From then until 1.30am I kept getting texts saying she was stuck in traffic, it must be a car accident etc. She finally rang at 1.30am to say she wasn't coming, sounded a bit drunk and appeared to be in a bar or at a party.
Been on holiday/long weekends with her 5 times and never again. She was miserable to be with, and actually apologised after two of the trips. She has been on/off anti-depressants for years. I briefly tried AD but it caused a severe side-effect within a week and so I had to change to counselling and she couldn't have cared less; I've always supported her with listening etc.
She has let me down countless times when going out, turned up at least 1-3 hours late with no apology, sometimes a no-show. Or texts an hour after we were meeting to say she's not coming now. I don't hear from her for ages and then I get a flurry of texts saying she's so stressed/anxious but she's been working really hard on herself, reading self-help books, and feeling more positive etc. It's like a cycle of behaviour – don't hear for months (my texts mostly go unanswered), then its the angsty text from her, promises to meet up which usually fall through, and then only actually see each other 1-3 times a year.
I had spinal surgery and was off work for weeks and she only contacted me 3 weeks later to say “How did it go? Sorry I've been busy.” Even then never came to see me or ask if I needed help. I had no family to help but had some wonderful friends and flatmates who helped me.
For my 40th she turned up an hour late for my birthday lunch (pre-booked) and handed me a card and a book called “How To Be Happy," neither of them wrapped up. There was a silence and a bit of WTAF looks around the table.
She booked train tickets for a weekend away and got the return journey day wrong and the ticket inspector fined us £220 on the spot. She refused to pay so I had to. I had not seen the tickets as she held onto them otherwise I may have noticed and seen if we could get them changed. I was only earning £22k then and this was a big hit to my monthly outgoings.
She came to my wedding and was the only person to not give us a card (she gave it to me 7 months later and said 'oops I forgot to give you this').
Fast forward to today and she's going through a nasty custody battle as she knowingly had a baby with an abusive man (she admits this) as she felt her bodyclock was running out. She stayed with me (and DH & DC) for 2 weeks and when she left him was understandably emotional, but I felt like she treated us like a hotel. She left baby vomit on the laminate bedroom floor for 3 days, changed poo nappies directly onto the carpet and it got smeared and then her efforts to clean it up were poor, kept going off and meeting other friends, didn't even buy us a carton of milk, long showers again, left a trail of mess throughout the house etc.
When she left DH said he was about to say that she needed to go as both he and DC were getting stressed (she is quite wealthy through inheritance, parents and a high-paying job £80k so could afford a hotel). I really feel for her as I've seen and heard the horrendous messages he's sent/left her. I'd support any friend through this but I have been wanting out of this friendship for a long time and I feel guilty. She just veers from one drama to the next and this is the latest in a long line.
I feel like writing her a letter and saying for the above reasons – the lies and deceit over money, being constantly let down/late when meeting, only getting in contact when she wants a listening ear but doesn't do the same for me etc – is just not a friendship for me. She doesn't know that I know about the bank statement or that the temp job was actually a permanent role paying £38k (the letter was at the back of the CV folder).
If you talk about things that happened years ago she can never remember anything at all so I think she would deny all of this. I sometimes think there is something wrong with her.
I'm not the most confident of people and have never had a large group of friends and I guess I have just hung onto this friend for no good reason. A mutual former colleague in our home country said 20 years ago that 'she hasn't been brought up right.' I just feel she has little moral compass. Am I wrong to feel aggrieved and want to walk away?
Sorry this was long, and thank you if you got this far.