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Original poster

Workaholic husband - when did u realise enough is enough (works 7/7)?

37 replies

UnsureUK · 20/09/2022 20:13

Husband works 7 days a week.
Some employed, some freelance.
He's around a little bit but he puts work first so much I took the children on holiday by myself cos he wouldn't go out till 2 in the afternoon.

He doesn't need to work the whole time but v seems to prefer it to being with me/family.
I'm exhausted.
I have a cleaner but the children want him. I'm miserable and lonely.

When is enough enough?
I can't get thru to him.
I've tried.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 20/09/2022 20:30

I remember begging mine to 'just' work 6 days instead of 7. It was a real low. We're divorced.

Fallingleavespassbymywindow · 20/09/2022 20:52

Only you can decide when enough is enough, but if you love him and want to make it work you need to get to the bottom of why he feels the need to work 7/7

There will be a driver, fear of not earning enough, inability to delegate or if working alone, to say no to clients, a need for validation, a need to not engage in family routines etc. etc.

Find the driver and you probably have your answer.

Original poster
UnsureUK · 20/09/2022 20:55

Summerhillsquare · 20/09/2022 20:30

I remember begging mine to 'just' work 6 days instead of 7. It was a real low. We're divorced.

I feel like that.
I'd like him to interact more with our younger son - Lego, bike rides. He feels he comes second to Dad's computer.
Teen DD so used to it, she's not even bothered.😔

OP posts:
Original poster
UnsureUK · 20/09/2022 20:59

Fallingleavespassbymywindow · 20/09/2022 20:52

Only you can decide when enough is enough, but if you love him and want to make it work you need to get to the bottom of why he feels the need to work 7/7

There will be a driver, fear of not earning enough, inability to delegate or if working alone, to say no to clients, a need for validation, a need to not engage in family routines etc. etc.

Find the driver and you probably have your answer.

He finds work easier than children!

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 20/09/2022 21:02

UnsureUK · 20/09/2022 20:59

He finds work easier than children!

Show quote history

Working is easier than looking after kids lol.

That being said, I could not be in a relationship like yours. Have you said to him that you are desperately unhappy and cannot go on like this?

Brideandpredjudice · 20/09/2022 21:04

What does he actually say when you tell him you need him to work less/help more?

Original poster
UnsureUK · 20/09/2022 21:11

Brideandpredjudice · 20/09/2022 21:04

What does he actually say when you tell him you need him to work less/help more?

Nothing.

OP posts:
Chdjdn · 20/09/2022 21:11

My DH is finally working less when I said I was leaving if he didn’t stop but it’s too late for us I think; I resent him too much and feel so sad that he missed so much time with our kids.

Original poster
UnsureUK · 20/09/2022 21:13

Dacadactyl · 20/09/2022 21:02

Working is easier than looking after kids lol.

That being said, I could not be in a relationship like yours. Have you said to him that you are desperately unhappy and cannot go on like this?

Show quote history

Have told him many times I'm miserable.
Told him I appreciate how hard he works but we also need family time.
Now imagining in my head how to tell him that if he doesn't want to spend time with me, I need to find someone who can.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnsureUK · 20/09/2022 21:15

Chdjn, I feel sad for the children and him cos they've missed out on time together.
We've all got used to going out without him.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 20/09/2022 21:18

Now imagining in my head how to tell him that if he doesn't want to spend time with me, I need to find someone who can

Are you sure you want to phrase it like that? It comes across that you just want someone else. Which you may do, but phrasing it in that way will detract all attention from you feeling neglected, and angry that he is happy to prioritise work above children/ family

Lavendersummer · 20/09/2022 21:18

Marriage therapy. Or an intervention - you and the kids sit him down and have them explain what they wohld like to do with him.
but @Fallingleavespassbymywindow is right.
For my husband it was having a dad with OCD and transferring his need for acceptance and praise from his boss that he never got from his Dad
It took a breakdown (well a couple of mini ones and then a big one over a period of about 10 years) and therapy to make changes.
Also I would just demand his presence eg go away to visit friends/family and leave him with kids. Me and kids also went on holiday with out him - he didn’t like that. Eg I’ve been to Canada and he wouldn’t go. We had a fabulous time and he was jealous.
So if he won’t adjust his behavior my advice is to build a lovely life for you and the children. Do all the lovely things. And get help that you need - holidays/babysitter/cleaner etc if you can

Badger1970 · 20/09/2022 21:27

DH was/is like this. But it didn't make me miserable.

Like the PP suggested, I built a lovely life for me and the kids so we didn't miss out. We had lovely holidays, days out, time with extended family. And it didn't really bother me that much, as I'm fairly independent anyway and liked doing things my way without questioning or interference.

As adults, my DDs are still my absolute world. It's me they ring, me that is at the birth of grandchildren, me that they want in an emergency. His loss, not mine.

PussInBin20 · 20/09/2022 21:31

Does he not realise that the kids need/want him? They won’t bother with him when they are older. Does he not care about that? Why did he have kids? Have you asked/pointed out these things?

what’s the point in life if he just works all of it?

LondonLovie · 20/09/2022 21:39

Quite frankly what's the point of him. If he literally works and doesn't participate in any aspect of family life, either as a father or husband.

I'd separate, get the finances sorted and not have him take up valuable space in the family home. He sounds like a selfish prat

Original poster
UnsureUK · 20/09/2022 22:31

He spends 2 hours a day with them, including school holidays and weekends.
I'm permanently tired.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 21/09/2022 06:55

I retrained and left after 17 years, we used to work together but I refused to work evenings and weekends. when he moved out the kids didn't even notice for a a year, they thought he had just moved his office, now he has them every other weekend, kind of, well he definitely spends more time with them, and I get time to myself, he's never going to change, also he thinks he has Asperger's which might explain the obsession, it's a creative job he loves. Getting divorced was better for everyone.

citychick · 21/09/2022 09:41

DH is WFH and spends the majority of his time in the spare room "working". Absolutely sure he uses his work as a chance to escape from the uncomfortable and boring bits of life...homework, cooking, cleaning, dealing with a teenager. When he first WFH after being made redundant I told him I would let him build a business and support him by doing all grunt work including my own career. He the had to find another job because he could earn enough. He's now WFH again. But also looking for another job. it's pushing me over my limits now. This has been going on for 5 years. He's just pleasing himself and I mentioned this morning that once the teenager is through the big exam years I would be making a decision on what I do. I'm bored of it. He's boring and I'm becoming boring.
He says he cannot turn down jobs so he's always disappearing off to work but who knows...such a shame really. But I'm not sure he cares as much as he says he does.

billy1966 · 21/09/2022 11:25

As you haveva teenage, this has clearly gone on for years.

Accept it.
This is who he is.

Get some counselling for yourself to figure out what you want.

Your children are not babies so you need to look at building support outside your home.

Look carefully at your finances before you do anything.

Original poster
UnsureUK · 21/09/2022 11:29

Having a big think.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 21/09/2022 11:44

I hope he earns the top end of six figures to justify all these hours.

washingbasketqueen · 21/09/2022 11:54

What does he do in the 2 hours per day he spends with them? I'd say that's quite a lot for the working week (5 days) , but not if he's working 7 days.

FrownedUpon · 21/09/2022 12:04

I couldn’t tolerate a relationship like that. Experiences together as a family are so important in my view. I want to share them with my DH, otherwise I may as well be single.

Puddincup · 22/09/2022 08:42

Am in this position too. We share 4 kids and he's constantly on his phone when he is actually home. It's a very lonely place to be. Sending hugs x

citychick · 23/09/2022 09:18

OP ...
2 hours per day isn't terrible for someone who's the main breadwinner.
My DH never spent that amount of time with DC when younger. He has to spend more time now because I work weekends. He still disappears tho...but dc can look after himself for a while.

What are your expectations ? What are his expectations ?

Some men need to be delegated to otherwise they think all is well and they're not needed. It's annoying and shouldn't happen but unfortunately many sit and wait to be told what to do.

hope you manage to work something out.