People who can’t apologise

[Frumplestiltskin]

Please can any of you wise MNetters help me understand why some people can’t recognise when they’ve made a mistake and upset another person, and apologise for it? I’m thinking about any kind of relationship - professional/ between friends/ romantic / siblings etc.

I’m struggling at the moment with a couple of people in my life who seem to be refusing to see that they have upset me. One woman in particular is a colleague who never admits to making a mistake. I feel really let down by her. Another example is a friend who’s been in my life for many years but is denying being really off with me recently, which has made me feel uncomfortable and insecure.

Why don’t people own up to being wrong? Why is it so difficult to say sorry? I’m a long term poster here, NC for this.

I think it depends on the situation, me being upset doesn’t necessarily mean the other has done something that merits an apology, it just means I’m upset.

My exh was like this in fact his DM, DF & siblings.
In their case a mix of arrogance, refusing to believe that they were in the wrong or that other people have differing opinions & lack of empathy.

I mean that I am upset because they’ve done something wrong but aren’t willing to admit it, and this has upset me. Sorry if I wasn’t clear, I am not using my words very well.

I have known people who never apologise, and it always puzzles me! I think there are different reasons for it. It can include people who never think they are in the wrong (arrogant), people who are worried that their apology won't be accepted, and they would be embarrassed by the situation and people who see apologising as a form of weakness (when it absolutely isn't).

Some people would never apologise to a child because they believe that it changes the power balance - sometimes people don't apologise to adults for the same reason. Maybe they feel superior in some way and don't want to lose that by apologising?

Sometimes people like to bury things and pretend they didn't happen, and brush past apologising because that recognises and validates the situation they don't want to acknowledge? It can depend on their frame of mind as well as their personality, and also can be about repeating patterns learned in childhood (I think anyway). I would just note it, and remember this isn't about you, it is about them, and they would likely be the same with anyone.

Your friend denying being off with you sounds frustrating, because you can't work with that and find a way through.

I think what @Jellycatspyjamas meant is that maybe the person disagrees with you and doesn't think they have done anything wrong.

Maybe it's not as clear cut as you think? Depends what they've done really.

However, you are right that some people just can't apologise, even if they're clearly in the wrong. In that case, all you can do is decide yourself how you want to respond to that - drop it and forgive, or cut them off. You can't make them apologise.

Maybe they don't feel like they're in the wrong and so don't think they have anything to apologise for?

Hypercritical parents who demanded apologies as a way to have the child 'lose' and feel humiliated.

It's pretty classic.

It's often insecurity I think. If they admit to themselves they were wrong on one thing, their deep insecurity gets opened up.

I hadn’t thought of this - thank you.

I am talking about situations where it’s really clear that someone has caused trouble for another person eg in a workplace, and yet they’re not acknowledging how this has affected another person.

I am struggling with knowing we’re all adults with children and of course we bring up our children to admit mistakes and say sorry to anyone who’s been affected or upset as a result of these mistakes. Why’s it so hard for the same adults to own their own behaviour?

I can't really comment on your situation. You might be being unreasonable for being upset. They might not think they've done anything wrong.

But maybe not. I was in a relationship with a man who said he was in love with me. But he refused to say sorry as a matter of principle. He was Australian and said he hated how English people said sorry all the time for little things. I said sure, that's a cultural thing. But if you hurt or upset someone you love surely you would want to say sorry? Still no. He drove me nuts. He was one of those under-confident narcissists.

Those people who refuse to apologise think it’s some kind of strength. It’s not, it’s a complete weakness. The inability to apologise, to a say sorry for clearly something wrong, that they have done, affects the very fabric of the relationship because you are not being treated equally or honestly. I no longer have relationships with people like that.

I agree maybe they don't think they were in the wrong? Then again if it is a pattern then it's not on.

As others say, it really depends on the context, do they genuinely know they are 'in the wrong' or are your expectations unrealistic? I know sometimes I have said 'sorry' rather than just prolong the discussion/argument ... I don't really care either way and saying 'sorry' is just a way to move on whilst privately still thinking the other person is a dick.

DH refuses to apologise for unintended consequences, so he would only apologise if he deliberately did something wrong, as a result he never apologises and it’s infuriating. So for example if he stepped backwards and stood on my foot he wouldn’t apologise as he didn’t step backwards with the intention of hurting me. If I get upset as a result of something he said or did he won’t apologise as he didn’t set out to upset me and maybe I shouldn’t be sensitive/ have had a particular expectation/ etc. Essentially he will only apologise for intentions not consequences. It’s not a great personality trait!

With a work colleague and without knowing the background I would guess they aren’t actually sorry and stand by whatever they did!

Whole family (outlaws) in fact their motto is “we are xxx and we are never wrong”.

Absolute tossers the lot of them.

I can acknowledge to both myself and DH if I'm in the wrong, but the "sorry" bit for some reason sticks in my throat, it makes me feel ashamed to have to say "I'm sorry" - I feel like a bad, worthless person for making poor choices / having done whatever it is that needs apologising for.

On top of that, I'd have to say that most apologies I've ever made haven't been graciously received, which makes it even less likely that I'll repeat them in the future.

Btw, for me, it's a cop out to say the words "I apologise" - that doesn't hurt, it feels meaningless, it's the actual words "I'm sorry" that mean something and are hard to say.

My sister is like this, she will NEVER apologise and says some pretty outrageous and hurtful things then if you say you're upset by them she will say she was only joking or start kicking off about how sensitive I am, when did I lose my sense of humour etc. Gaslighting basically. She is horrifically insecure in general. Personally I take the approach that whether you meant to upset someone or not you ought to apologise if someone tells you your actions or words have hurt them, even if you yourself wouldn't have felt that way.

Because there are many types of personalities who can be unreasonable and want and need to be Always right. Many people can be like that - controlling.

It's more like an ego thing. The higher the ego, the harder it could be/feel for the guilty (often narcissistic type of) person to apologize.

These people often lack the maturity to own, accept and admit their mistakes and learn from them.

There was a great article I read about the root of mansplaining and, essentially, I feel the same reasons probably apply: it’s our culture, especially with men we’re conditioned from an early age to project certainty and confidence because these are the traits that will both make you attractive to the opposite sex and get you ahead in your career.

Saying sorry goes against this. I even had a boss who refused to put “dear” or “hi” at the start of his emails - he just stated people’s names. Again certainty and confidence. Unfortunately, if you look at the state of the world, there’s some truth in this.

They often struggle to recognize other people's hurt feelings & emotions and look at the problematic situation only on how it could benefit them and only from their angle & perspective.

It's all done to defend themselves for defensive reasons.

If you are about psychopath & World Terrorist number 1 at the moment Putler who is killing innocent Ukrainians with genocide for 7 months, then yes, yes, he is a criminal & damaged bully.

He was bullied very badly in his childhood.

Some see apologising as a sign of weakness. I see it as being mature.

Sone people I know cannot say thank you.

I won't just apologise.

If I've done something wrong then of course I'd apologise but I won't apologise if something has upset someone usually the truth.

I sound like a right bitch, I'm honestly not.

I struggle with being able to apologise and so do my siblings.

I think this is because we are brought up in a family where apologising or admitting fault would mean getting the shit hit out of us.
It was literally only in my thirties that it occurred to me that apologising is part of making amends / fixing things / possible forgiveness. It was linked in my head that apologising/admitting fault many that you were in the wrong, you were wrong, you were a BAD PERSON who had finally 'shown their true colours' (a phrase my mother would use when we we did something wrong) and therefore deserved whatever you were about to get. An apology was just an admission that you were shit and that the offended party were right to whack you, basically.

I wasn't even consciously aware of the reason for my difficulty apologising until recently.

So basically what I am saying is that if you grew up in a punitive, blame focussed environment, you will likely struggle to admit fault. The ability to apologise requires a feeling of psychological safety and perceived acceptance.