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Original poster

People who can’t apologise

29 replies

Frumplestiltskin · 20/09/2022 17:32

Please can any of you wise MNetters help me understand why some people can’t recognise when they’ve made a mistake and upset another person, and apologise for it? I’m thinking about any kind of relationship - professional/ between friends/ romantic / siblings etc.

I’m struggling at the moment with a couple of people in my life who seem to be refusing to see that they have upset me. One woman in particular is a colleague who never admits to making a mistake. I feel really let down by her. Another example is a friend who’s been in my life for many years but is denying being really off with me recently, which has made me feel uncomfortable and insecure.

Why don’t people own up to being wrong? Why is it so difficult to say sorry? I’m a long term poster here, NC for this.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 20/09/2022 22:21

I've only been able to apologise since having my children. Only then was I able to sort of override my shitty childhood and try to model being a good person.
For me and my siblings it's as PP have said. My parents never apologised because they were all mighty and never wrong, even if they were wrong. We didn't apologise because we were terrified and trying to make ourselves invisible and admitting fault was putting a target on your back.
I think apologising well is taught like good social skills so I try really hard to for my children.

SnoozyLucy7 · 21/09/2022 08:45

whatshouldIdo2022 · 20/09/2022 21:41

My sister is like this, she will NEVER apologise and says some pretty outrageous and hurtful things then if you say you're upset by them she will say she was only joking or start kicking off about how sensitive I am, when did I lose my sense of humour etc. Gaslighting basically. She is horrifically insecure in general. Personally I take the approach that whether you meant to upset someone or not you ought to apologise if someone tells you your actions or words have hurt them, even if you yourself wouldn't have felt that way.

Sounds like a narcissist

SnoozyLucy7 · 21/09/2022 08:58

Thepossibility · 20/09/2022 22:21

I've only been able to apologise since having my children. Only then was I able to sort of override my shitty childhood and try to model being a good person.
For me and my siblings it's as PP have said. My parents never apologised because they were all mighty and never wrong, even if they were wrong. We didn't apologise because we were terrified and trying to make ourselves invisible and admitting fault was putting a target on your back.
I think apologising well is taught like good social skills so I try really hard to for my children.

My mother never, ever apologised for anything. Her motto has always been “even when I am wrong, I am right!”. In the long run, this has messed me up immensely. There are so many bad up things that have happened that she refuses to apologise for. Even to this day, when she is caught out, when you have complete proof of her wrong doing, she will not apologise.

For all my short comings, I will never, ever play those utterly messed up mind games with my children, and I will always apologise if I messed up. Always, especially now I know that adults, that parent get it wrong all the time.

ginandbearit · 21/09/2022 09:08

I knew a policeman who ruined a twenty year career having been caught out on a minor mistake by refusing , in the face of overwhelming evidence , to acknowledge it . A slap.on the wrist and no further action escalated into a full scale disciplinary and dismissal . He later displayed the same trait in other jobs nd life and was ruined because of it.

Another friend was described at his wedding as .."she thinks he's Mr Right ..we all know he's Mr .Never Wrong .." I see trouble ahead .

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