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Original poster

If you don't live with your partner....

39 replies

Lonelylonelylonely · 20/09/2022 13:37

Do you expect them to announce when they are coming over if they visit?

Back story. Been with my partner/bf for 2 years. We are both divorced. He's late 50s and I'm late 40s. No intention of marrying again or living together. We live about an hour apart. I don't have a key to his house because he doesnt have any spare and has special security locks which are expensive to get spares for. However, he's happy for me to be in the house when he's not there e.g. if I leave later than him after staying over, or if he knows I'm coming over he's happy to leave a key for me to let myself in. However, I always feel I have to let him know before I come over rather than just popping over on the spur of the moment just to see him. Even if I would just decide to pop over, I feel I need to text or call to tell him I'm coming first.

Just wondered if everyone feels they need to tell their relatively long term partner they don't live with before they come over, or do you just pop by on the off-chance?

I guess I'd like to feel there's a bit more fluidity between our homes rather than having to make arrangements/times to see each other in advance.

What are other people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:
Pr1mr0se · 20/09/2022 13:46

I think this is a conversation you need to have with your partner so you can agree what you are both comfortable with as it sounds as if announcing your intention to visit is something you have chosen to do and has become habit, it may not be something he needs you to do. Have a word with him about it.

Aly2577 · 20/09/2022 14:01

no matter how long a relationship ( even if family) I would expect a call or text before coming over. Just my preference.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/09/2022 14:15

I would always expect anyone to let me know they were thinking of coming over and ask if I was available. I could be out, or planning to be out, or not in the mood for company, or looking forward to an evening where I could go to bed with a book. Before we lived together I wouldn’t have minded DP arriving when I was out and entertaining himself until I arrived home; but I’d have taken a dim view if he arrived unannounced and expected me to be there.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/09/2022 14:18

And I don’t think that asking / advising beforehand indicates a lack of fluidity: it’s just practical and courteous. If, most of the time, you call / text on the spur of the moment and he says “sure, come on over”, then that’s fluid.

Fuuuuuckit · 20/09/2022 14:24

My live-apart partner lives 2 streets away so I don't always ask. If he's not in when I pop round then no problem.

I wouldn't pop anywhere an hour away if I'd not checked before if someone was in/available, dp or not! It's polite (at the most basic) but also good to check he's going to be in - nobody wants a 2 hour wasted journey booty call

Northernsoullover · 20/09/2022 14:25

My ex turned up at my house as 'a surprise' around 2 hours after I'd arrived home from a weekend away. I was absolutely exhausted and not in the mood to speak to anyone. I wish I'd told him to fuck off and I'm still angry that I didn't.

Blueberrywitch · 20/09/2022 14:28

1000% you would need to announce/ask if you can come over. It would have been my worst nightmare when dating but not living together for any boyfriend to just turn up, and I would have felt very harassed by this!

TeeBee · 20/09/2022 14:29

I have a similar living arrangement but we are 10 minutes away from each other. He has a key to my place. I do expect him to tell me when he's popping over. I hate people just turning up to my house unannounced. He's very good at doing it on the whole but the times he doesn't, he really annoys me and I consider changing the locks. Its mine and my children's home, not a drop-in centre.

Sunshineandflipflops · 20/09/2022 14:38

I live 5 mins away from my dp of 3 years and we never just turn up at each other's houses unannounced. The only person who does that it my mum and that feels like a bit of an invasion of privacy.

We never say no to one of us going to see the other but I would always want to know as one of us could be on the loo/in the bath/have a friend or relative round, etc.

Newusername21 · 20/09/2022 14:49

My BF of 2 1/2 years live about 20 min apart. We both have keys to each others houses but I wouldn't drop round to his unannounced - and I'm sure he wouldn't pop to mine without notice either.
We generally chat about what days we're going to spend together about a week in advance and at whom's house. makes life practical

pencilpot99 · 20/09/2022 15:24

I live about 40 minutes away from my boyfriend of 1.5 years. We always arrange when I'm going to come over (I always go to his because he lives city centre so there's more to do... and he has a bigger bed 😁). I'd never just turn up and we don't have keys to each other's houses.

Original poster
Lonelylonelylonely · 20/09/2022 15:34

Thanks all. It's kind of what I expected, but it's so long I've done this stuff, I've kind of forgotten what it's like, what to expect etc. I don't tend to have a problem with people just dropping by at my place, but it depends on who it is!

OP posts:
Matildahoney · 20/09/2022 15:38

We've been together 4 years, have keys to each others houses and say we're happy for the other to pop in anytime, but neither of us really ever just turns up, there's usually a call first. Neither of us would have a problem the other just turning up, but we were both brought up not to do that.

stickynoter · 20/09/2022 15:43

Aly2577 · 20/09/2022 14:01

no matter how long a relationship ( even if family) I would expect a call or text before coming over. Just my preference.

Exactly this. Plus you don't really pop by on the off chance if someone lives an hour away do you?

SatInTheCorner · 20/09/2022 15:54

Together 4 years. Neither of us would ever 'pop' to each others house, particularly when we also live about 40 minutes apart. What if either of us were out ?

PussGirl · 20/09/2022 16:04

We're 15 minutes apart - no popping in by either of us without arrangement. We both have lives outside our relationship.

Original poster
Lonelylonelylonely · 20/09/2022 16:19

stickynoter · 20/09/2022 15:43

Exactly this. Plus you don't really pop by on the off chance if someone lives an hour away do you?

Show quote history

More like if you're just in the area anyway (I tend to be quite a bit for other stuff). I kind of feel it's a bit different to popping over to a friend's house and within my family people might call in if they are passing for a cup of tea without announcing it first. Thanks for the opinions guys, useful to see what other people's set ups are.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 20/09/2022 16:24

Even if you were living in the same house then you would still ask each other before you made plans involving the other, wouldn’t you, even if it was spur of the moment plans. It’s really just the same when you don’t live together: you’re checking availability and ensuring enthusiasm.

SpinCityBlues · 20/09/2022 16:40

@Lonelylonelylonely is it the lack of offer of a key that's bothering you? I think a lot us us who have DPs in their own houses and who would text/ring before going over have also have swapped keys 'just in case'. Maybe it's a symbol or something.

How much would a copy of these expensive security keys really be? Did you talk about it much?

Original poster
Lonelylonelylonely · 20/09/2022 16:47

@SpinCityBlues possibly. I think a new key is in the region of £60 (I used to have the same type of locks on my previous house, so I know he's not just making that up). I think it probably is about the symbolism that comes with being able to come and go if you chose to do so (but would usually decide not to). It's not the same to have a key left if he knows I'm going to be coming over.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 20/09/2022 17:01

We had keys to each others houses, lived close and sometimes would just pop round, although that was rare. Usually because we knew what the other was doing anyway most of the time. Its never really been an issue either way.

I think the issue may be more that you don't have a key. Does he have one to your house? Tell him to cough up the £60 for a key for you. Doesn't mean you'll just be popping in unannounced all the time, but would probably just feel a little more like another step forward in the relationship going the right way.

Jamaisy82 · 20/09/2022 17:23

Me and My partner do not live together and only live 5 mins from each other but he always let's me know when he is popping round. I think its just a nice thing to do, and I like to know anyway.

Original poster
Lonelylonelylonely · 20/09/2022 17:24

@Bookworm20 yes, I think it is the key thing.

His neighbour has a key to sort out post etc when he's away, a couple of his family members have keys "just in case", but I don't.

I think I need to have a chat with him about it. He's said before he'll get me a key cut, but then doesn't do anything about it so I don't like to push the issue.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 20/09/2022 18:01

I popped in on the way home from work (he lived near my job) to see an ex bf one time… caught him on a dating site. Guess thats a good reason to give a heads up before making an unexpected appearance 😂

OnaBegonia · 20/09/2022 18:57

Now that you've said about his other spare keys, I think he just doesn't want you having a key.
A ndn has one permanently in case he's away? that says it all.

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