If you don't live with your partner....

[Lonelylonelylonely]

Do you expect them to announce when they are coming over if they visit?

Back story. Been with my partner/bf for 2 years. We are both divorced. He's late 50s and I'm late 40s. No intention of marrying again or living together. We live about an hour apart. I don't have a key to his house because he doesnt have any spare and has special security locks which are expensive to get spares for. However, he's happy for me to be in the house when he's not there e.g. if I leave later than him after staying over, or if he knows I'm coming over he's happy to leave a key for me to let myself in. However, I always feel I have to let him know before I come over rather than just popping over on the spur of the moment just to see him. Even if I would just decide to pop over, I feel I need to text or call to tell him I'm coming first.

Just wondered if everyone feels they need to tell their relatively long term partner they don't live with before they come over, or do you just pop by on the off-chance?

I guess I'd like to feel there's a bit more fluidity between our homes rather than having to make arrangements/times to see each other in advance.

What are other people's thoughts on this?

My DP and I live about 10 minutes from each other, we each have keys to the other's house. I always tell him beforehand that I'm coming over but he tends to be a bit more casual and will show up unannounced. I sometimes find that a bit awkward because I like to make sure I look presentable before he comes over. However in general I like it because one day I would like us to live together and this is a step in that process. If I didn't feel that way though I'd prefer him not to.

I agree the exchange of keys is symbolic. Even if you rarely use them it means the other person has a certain position in your life.

Dh and I lived in different countries before I moved ahead of us getting married, but god, I love him, but I would have hated if he just rocked up unexpectedly.

I think it’s fine if you live together and one of you still maintains a house elsewhere, but just dropping in is weird if you don’t live together and it’s not the norm in your relationship.

I suppose what I'm probably after long term is more of a "living together apart" type relationship where we each have our own space, but there's more than that. At the moment it feels like perpetual dating if we have to check with each other when we're going to go to each others' places.

Not sure if that makes sense?

If you're not planning on ever living together because you like your own space, you have to accept having that space involves not having anyone popping over unexpectedly.
If he lives an hour away, you have plenty of time to give him fair warning of your arrival - he may need the time to tidy the place, nip out to get some milk, get rid of the other woman, delete his search history and/or get a quick shower.
I think deep down you don't trust him and think he's hiding something. In my opinion, if that many other people have a spare key and you don't, it's not the cost that's the problem

What are your reasons for living apart and have you established you’re both on the same page about it? Many couples who actively choose not to move in together do so purely because they like their own space and independence and don’t want to lose that: if he falls into that camp (and thought you felt likewise) then he’s going to understandably be reluctant to move to a situation where you have keys and feel you can just unlock the door and walk into his home unannounced with no prior plans to be there, when he might have arranged to have a friend around or be about to go out or just want to be on his own.

I think you need to get onto the same page with this. Living apart together doesn’t, for most couples who choose it, mean that all boundaries are sacrificed and you literally treat each other’s homes as your own.

Popping in unannounced defeats the purpose of living apart.

The person might have been happily enjoying themselves farting away.
Maybe they want to masturbate in peace.
Maybe they are still in their PJs.
Maybe there is takeaway rubbish all over the place.
Maybe they are doing housekeeping in intimate areas of their body.
Maybe they are ill and miserable and want to be alone.

Countless reasons why a person may not want anyone at all dropping round.
I personally wouldn’t want to encounter any of the things above or worse.
Some things break the spell of a romance and should not be walked in on.
It would signal major red flags to me if someone wanted this.

@ComtesseDeSpair reasons for not wanting to move in together - we've both had fairly traumatic divorces after long marriages and don't want to go there again. Keeping separate households and finances means we both keep our own financial security and don't have arguements over whose turn it is to clean the bathroom (or putting up with someone else's mess) whilst still having commitment to each other longer term, still making plans way in advance etc.

@SoaringSwans yes, seeing some things breaks the spell if romance, but the red roses rarely last forever in any relationship living together or not before you at a certain point realise that you both fart in bed/snore/sometimes look snotty and not at your best. We've been through some fairly traumatic things together (which would be very outing to describe) and any of the things listed would be water off a duck's back in terms of breaking the romance.

My boyfriend of four years and I have a key to each others houses. We never ask each other when we want to use them. Sometimes I get home and he's there which is lovely. Sometimes it get home and he's left me flowers which is amazing !

BF has key to mine and he has surprised me before which I don't mind at all but to be honest we speak so much throughout the day he would normally just tell me if he was coming to mine or whatever. I do go to his but he lives with his parents so I wouldn't just "pop" over (he lives around 40 mins away) and as its not "his" house so I don't have a key. If I'm going to be somewhere near him he would always know anyway and then he would say come over after etc. We usually know what the other is up to.

OP perhaps you want a little more from the relationship but can't quite put your finger on what? It's OK if you have changed your mind and want to co-habit.

In that situation I'd message along the lines of 'I'm heading to X for a few hours, might pop in if I have time'. Not asking permission but it gives him an opportunity to get himself ready, or say no if it didn't suit him.

My partner turned up unexpectedly during a particularly unpleasant argument with my teenage DS in lckdown, I think the look on my face said it all and he hasn't done it again!

@freeandfierce yes, that sounds like exactly the type of arrangement I'd be hoping for. Not strictly living in the same house, combining finances, discussions over who is doing which jobs in the house etc but a more flexible arrangement where one or other has popped in because you're in the area, found the other is not there and put dinner on or whatever. We usually have a fairly good idea of each others schedules anyway because we keep in contact throughout the day most days.

Those arrangements are through discussion and invitation and shouldn’t be assumed. I’d sooner share finances or toilet clean before I’d want unannounced visits. Someone putting dinner on or leaving flowers is not enough compensation for what would become a complete lack of privacy in my own home. If that were wanted, I would cohabit.

£60 isn't a huge amount for a key really, is it? And he said he's get you a spare and he didn't. Dunno really. What's your gut feeling about why he hasn't got round to it yet, or retrieved the spare key off the neighbour for you (that he could replace in time).

Who raised the subject of keys in the first place, can you recall?