Colleague from previous job

[Ceriane]

I don't even know where to start with this one. It's sort of a relationship query but has now crossed into a really difficult work situation.

I was in an LTR in my 20's where I was extremely unhappy towards the end of that relationship and we split up at the end of my 20's. I went into my 30's completely single and was happy to begin with, I felt I still had a lot of time in front of me to find the right person and settle down etc and was just happy to have freedom and peace of mind. I was open to finding love at some point but didn't want to get trapped and end up in a situation like I was in before. I have dated a few people since then, some good experiences, some not so good, but no one I have felt like this is it. I have also had long periods of health issues that have got in the way of dating and there have also been a few things that put me off for a while.

I have been on my own for about 10 years and even though I know I shouldn't, I do worry about what people think and I do feel a lot of shame about this, even though it's partly choice, I'm not the type of person who can settle for just anyone. I just feel that it's a really sensitive issue and I really don't like people bringing it up to be honest.

The issue is I have this colleague from a previous job who has only known me since my 30's, since I have been single who always seemed to be obsessed about my relationship status and why I hadn't met anyone to settle down with. I continued to meet up with friends from this job every so often including her, but when I would see this person she would always bring the conversation around to the dreaded "so have you found yourself someone?" then the disappointed look and then "we need to find you someone and then the long speech about how she felt so sorry for me, and that I needed to stop being so fussy as I'm never going to find the perfect person with no flaws and would make me feel so bad.

She would constantly grill me about how long I had been on my own, asking why did I split up with my ex, if an ex from my past came up in conversation she would grill me on why I was no longer with them, and try and get me to get back in touch with them, she could ask what had I been doing about sorting myself out with a new man, then she would get all self righteous about how she would never split up with someone. If I dated someone and decided they weren't for me she would tell me I was being too fussy and shallow and really lay it on about how it's not all about looks (she didn't seem to understand why you need to be attracted to someone to be in a relationship with them) if I went on a date with anyone she would get really over exited, want to know every detail (like an over exited 12 year old girl) demand to see photos (after one date) and start referring to them as my new man and that I would be settling down soon. On one occasion during after work drinks she kept on asking if she could have a video call with a guy I had only been on two dates with as she wanted to tell him to "treat me right", when I refused she practically threw a tantrum and wouldn't drop the subject. She would try and set me up with the most inappropriate people (including someone who had a girlfriend because he wasn't happy, and someone who was 20 years my senior who had a reputation for cheating on women - telling me I would never find someone without a history like that at my age (apart from her partner of course). I started to phase the friendship out after she tried to push me towards men on nights out, regardless of how leery and sleazy they were.

I have since had another job and she would grill me every time she saw me about whether I had met anyone, I only had to mention a man's name and she would rub her hands together, it had clearly gone beyond obsession with her, and I didn't want her treating me like a project. I began to try to phase her out (which is difficult as she is the most pushy demanding person I have ever come across) as she was beyond stressing me out, and especially as I'm really sensitive about the subject and don't like talking about it.

She also seemed obsessed with the fact I look young for my age and would constantly ask people to guess how old I was, which was cute in my early thirties, but now, I'm sensitive about my age.

I have changed job again fairly recently, and to avoid being hassled like this ever again in the workplace, I stupidly, on a day where I was not feeling confident, told a colleague (when asked about my circs) that I was living with a partner. Nobody ever really talks about personal stuff at work and I WFH most of the the time so not a big deal, but now I really wish I hadn't because even though the office is far away from where I live, guess who has got herself a job in the exact same office, and now I'm worried that she is going to drop me in it in front of my new work colleagues as she seems to have no filter on what it is and isn't appropriate to say. Also I don't want her going on about my love life at work, it was one thing at 31 but at 39, it's not just that I want the ground to swallow me up, it's actually beyond mortifying and really invasive.

The last time I saw her was the final straw, this time she actually threw a scale 10 tantrum at me, including tears, saying that she doesn't know how I can not care that I'm not with someone, that she could never be single, and that I have GOT to find myself someone (like it was an order), that she has never seen me flirt with anyone (not sure who she thinks I should be flirting with when I've seen her) that I never say I fancy anyone (that's because I clam up when she starts talking about this, also I DO notice attractive men, but it hasn't been top priority as I have health issues that destroy your sex drive, but she really made me question myself and think there was something wrong with me), that I'm letting my family down as surely they want to see me settled and surely my mum wants a grandchild, (she has a grandchild, my sibling got pregnant very young and was always putting on her to babysit and it drove her up the wall) that if she was my mum she would be ringing me every day and that she would be on at me telling me I have GOT to have a man (my mum is proud of me for being strong and independent and she was raised by a single mum herself), no more being fussy, she said that nobody is single at my age and for this long and that as a friend she would not settle until I was happy, and that as a friend I wouldn't like her telling me this but it's not normal and it's not right, and I need to see a therapist and sit down and work out what is stopping me from finding a man, because I've got to get this sorted out once and for all. That I act like I don't care but I should be desperate, that if she was me she would be desperate and she would be doing everything she could to make sure that she found someone.

Obviously all of this has really got to me and made my head spin, my mental state is actually in a bit of a mess over all this, and I have so many other problems at the moment. I could avoid her if it wasn't for the fact that I will most likely see her at work, and now I don't know what to do if she brings it up at work. I just don't know why she is so obsessed with my situation, as it doesn't affect her. I have tried every which way to let her know I don't want to talk about it, or to shut the conversation down, nothing works.

You have to say I don’t want and will not discuss my private life with you, now please change the subject or leave me alone

Tell her in no uncertain terms to stop talking about the subject or you'll take it to hr for harassment. Then do exactly that.

Write her a rough timeline of her abuse (yes, that’s right) towards you. Read it out to her. Then, ask her if she feels that’s normal. Whether she thinks she’s respected boundaries.

Then tell her to never go there again. Or you’ll be discussing it with HR.

she sounds hideous.

You're going to have to be honest with her and tell her you do not want to discuss this any longer with her and if she respects/wants a friendship with you then she will stop.
Agree with HR conversation if this spirals but it is a bit trivial to involve them unless she actually starts doing it at work.
Bit weird she's followed you to another job IMO.
I had a friend from university like this - we dated two friends she ended up with hers and I ended my relationship with mine because I wasn't in love with him any more. After that, all she did was go on about us getting back together, over interested in my sex life to the point of being obsessed, then calling me a slag(all jokes apparently) and other similar things to what you said...
I phased her out which was sad but she had no idea that what she was saying was so immature, hurtful and actually embarrassing. I think the last straw was her constantly going on about it in front of lots of other people, especially the slag type comments because I'd been on a few dates!

Gosh this is so long I confess I skipped parts. Obvious solution is tell her to mind her own business! Why are you still socialising with her? She's clearly not a friend, don't give her any more of your time or attention.
When she starts at your new place and asks again about a boyfriend, just say I want to keep my private life separate from work and leave it at that. No doubt she'll keep asking, repeat the same answer and she'll get the message.

Think she only needs two words. "Fuck off!"

She sounds nuts! Totally over-invested to the point of obsession!

Ooooooh sounds like on of those Misery needs company Banshees you often find at work. Deeeply unhappy in their marriages and hellbent on making sure every single woman ends up in the same predicament.

This is why I NEVER discuss my relationship status at work. You need to nip it in the bud like the first day. Tell them, guys if you see me wearing a wedding ring, then you know Im married or I have gotten married. Until then, please no questions about my personal life.

Cut this woman out of your life. No phasing out or avoidance - she’s gone. The woman is unhinged. If you have to talk to her for work purposes, do that and nothing else.

I’d put my last penny on her marriage being an absolute disaster, but she’s convinced herself that someone, anyone, is better than no one. As such, the only way she can handle you coping perfectly well on your own is to convince herself that you must be deeply miserable and putting on a front. Interesting that she talks about what your mother must think: I wonder whether hers put pressure on her to settle down and provide grandchildren?

I had a friend like this once (although less extreme). We’d lost touch when I moved cities, but caught up again via Facebook. The first thing she asked me was ‘Are you all partnered up then?’ The expression ‘partnered up’ was offensive in itself, but the question made me realise nothing had changed and that I’d still be quizzed about why I didn’t go on dates more often, had I tried online dating maybe, surely I should at least give the man I only liked as a friend a chance, etc. I didn’t bother suggesting we meet up.

Tell her your new partner is very shy, so whilst you’re very happy, she won’t be meeting him.

if you’re worried that a fib is going to spiral, you could always say that you did have a partner briefly but it didn’t work out and that you really don’t want to talk about your personal life at work.

Is she actually in love with you?

This. It's not difficult, op.

I wondered that. Seems odd that you made up a partner in your new workplace, unfortunately that lie is going to come out and bite you at some point, whether or not she joins the workforce. Best thing is to be clear you've no sex drive and aren't looking for a relationship and ask loads of questions about hers to deflect the interrogation.

Exactly my thoughts!

If she persists with questions after you have told her you don’t want to talk about it, tell her plainly that her questions are making you uncomfortable. And then if she won’t stop use Player001 words that this is now harassment.
Do you have her blocked on all forms of contact outside of work?

Don’t write her a letter as a pp suggested, she will turn this around in you and tell everyone you are obsessed/in love with her.

Be blunt tell her it’s none of her business.

Tell her if she was so happy in her own relationship she wouldn’t be obsessed about who you are dating, if she carries on

warn her if she doesn’t stop and concentrate on her own life you will be reporting her to HR for harassment. And if needed follow through

or just tell her to fuck off and when the tantrum happens tell her to grow the fuck up.

Tbh I don’t know why you bothered going along with what she was saying to begin with and going out with guys she tried setting you up with.

Move to the city.

I thought also that she fancies you too.
She sounds so stressful so you've literally got to do something, you cannot carry on like this.
Perhaps tell her you don't discuss your private life at work and that's got a lot to do with her obsession with making you feel the way you do. She's harassing and haranguing you about a personal subject that she's no business in

This is NUTS! Why on earth are you tolerating this? Tell her that the topic is closed and you will NOT discuss it with her again, ever. Then walk away. Report her for harassment if she continues, because that is what it is.

Let her tantrum, she’s just making herself look stupid. You need better boundaries too, you’re not obliged to share any personal information if you don’t want to.

Thank you all so much for your replies, because this situation has got completely out of hand, and I have been feeling like I'm going mad. I think I tolerated it for so long because we continued to be friends outside of work, and at the beginning she was nowhere near this bad, she would say the odd thing like "ooh we need to sort Ceri out with someone" but that was as far as it went, it's been more in the year leading up to the lockdown, and then after we came out of lockdown, more so this year. I decided long ago she is someone I needed to phase out, but have more recently realised she is someone I need to cut out (which will be hard given the way she is). She has become overly obsessed with me and controlling in other ways as well, not just with this. To be honest, even though my post is long, that's not even a quarter of it. I could write war and peace on the things she does that stress me out (some of which I thought were just quirky when I first met her, but just annoy the hell out of me now). Believe me though, I will take all of your advice.

She sounds completely unhinged and I wonder if she got a job at your company on purpose so she could see you more often.

I would stop all interaction and conversation with her and stick to job matters only.

If she asks you anything a stern ''I do not wish to talk about my personal life'' will do. Make it clear that you are not a friend and do no wish to see her socially.

I now have this rule that I do not want to speak of my private life or what I do outside work. I stick to very basic details like where I might have gone on holiday but that is it.

Thanks all. I say I don’t care or not bothered to try and shut her up, but it just makes it worse as she thinks I should be desperate.

I agree that if she is so happy in her relationship then why would my situation bother her so much, especially as I never bring it up or moan about it, it would be different if I was sitting there going “I wish I could find someone” but I don’t. For a long time I thought I was weird for not wanting to talk about my personal life, but now I realise that most people would find all this incredibly invasive and I do need better boundaries.

The worst thing about it is I think she genuinely thinks she is a good friend for saying all this stuff.

I think she settled down young with her first and only boyfriend, they have been together since very early twenties but she seems to be really dragging her feet over getting married and having babies, she is 38 (yet seems to put pressure on me to have a child, even though I’m not in the situation to have one). She is very much of the mindset anyone is better than no one, and has even said this. I think a lot of it is narcissism, she wants to be the one who saved me from loneliness and for my family (who she doesn't really know, she met them once or twice) to think she's wonderful. She is treating me like a project.

I didn’t actually go along with dating any of the guys she has pushed my way, anyone I have dated has been people I have found myself either in real life or occasionally from OLD.

Because of the work situation, she is going to be so much more difficult to phase out, but I need to. I need to be a lot stronger about this than I have been.

Ok so you work from home and your colleagues don't tend to talk about personal stuff too much.

Then it's highly unlikely that the only thing they would say is a non-committal "yes isn't she living with someone?" when annoying weirdo arrives and quizzes them about whether you've been dating the men in the office.

When weirdo comes to you all excited asking why people think you're living with someone you give her absolutely no information but have an outraged reaction of "why on earth were you discussing me with colleagues, this is a professional environment, how dare you, this is entirely inappropriate... And while we are on the subject can you please grow up and stop asking me about my private life? I won't be telling you a single thing more. "

If a colleague asks you about the conflicting stories say "listen I really don't like sharing personal stuff in work. That woman is a total gossip monger as she's already revealed. I am living alone now but don't wish to discuss it."

And that's it. The story is cleared up and everyone has been told to not probe any further.

*highly likely not highly unlikely