Colleague from previous job

[Ceriane]

I don't even know where to start with this one. It's sort of a relationship query but has now crossed into a really difficult work situation.

I was in an LTR in my 20's where I was extremely unhappy towards the end of that relationship and we split up at the end of my 20's. I went into my 30's completely single and was happy to begin with, I felt I still had a lot of time in front of me to find the right person and settle down etc and was just happy to have freedom and peace of mind. I was open to finding love at some point but didn't want to get trapped and end up in a situation like I was in before. I have dated a few people since then, some good experiences, some not so good, but no one I have felt like this is it. I have also had long periods of health issues that have got in the way of dating and there have also been a few things that put me off for a while.

I have been on my own for about 10 years and even though I know I shouldn't, I do worry about what people think and I do feel a lot of shame about this, even though it's partly choice, I'm not the type of person who can settle for just anyone. I just feel that it's a really sensitive issue and I really don't like people bringing it up to be honest.

The issue is I have this colleague from a previous job who has only known me since my 30's, since I have been single who always seemed to be obsessed about my relationship status and why I hadn't met anyone to settle down with. I continued to meet up with friends from this job every so often including her, but when I would see this person she would always bring the conversation around to the dreaded "so have you found yourself someone?" then the disappointed look and then "we need to find you someone and then the long speech about how she felt so sorry for me, and that I needed to stop being so fussy as I'm never going to find the perfect person with no flaws and would make me feel so bad.

She would constantly grill me about how long I had been on my own, asking why did I split up with my ex, if an ex from my past came up in conversation she would grill me on why I was no longer with them, and try and get me to get back in touch with them, she could ask what had I been doing about sorting myself out with a new man, then she would get all self righteous about how she would never split up with someone. If I dated someone and decided they weren't for me she would tell me I was being too fussy and shallow and really lay it on about how it's not all about looks (she didn't seem to understand why you need to be attracted to someone to be in a relationship with them) if I went on a date with anyone she would get really over exited, want to know every detail (like an over exited 12 year old girl) demand to see photos (after one date) and start referring to them as my new man and that I would be settling down soon. On one occasion during after work drinks she kept on asking if she could have a video call with a guy I had only been on two dates with as she wanted to tell him to "treat me right", when I refused she practically threw a tantrum and wouldn't drop the subject. She would try and set me up with the most inappropriate people (including someone who had a girlfriend because he wasn't happy, and someone who was 20 years my senior who had a reputation for cheating on women - telling me I would never find someone without a history like that at my age (apart from her partner of course). I started to phase the friendship out after she tried to push me towards men on nights out, regardless of how leery and sleazy they were.

I have since had another job and she would grill me every time she saw me about whether I had met anyone, I only had to mention a man's name and she would rub her hands together, it had clearly gone beyond obsession with her, and I didn't want her treating me like a project. I began to try to phase her out (which is difficult as she is the most pushy demanding person I have ever come across) as she was beyond stressing me out, and especially as I'm really sensitive about the subject and don't like talking about it.

She also seemed obsessed with the fact I look young for my age and would constantly ask people to guess how old I was, which was cute in my early thirties, but now, I'm sensitive about my age.

I have changed job again fairly recently, and to avoid being hassled like this ever again in the workplace, I stupidly, on a day where I was not feeling confident, told a colleague (when asked about my circs) that I was living with a partner. Nobody ever really talks about personal stuff at work and I WFH most of the the time so not a big deal, but now I really wish I hadn't because even though the office is far away from where I live, guess who has got herself a job in the exact same office, and now I'm worried that she is going to drop me in it in front of my new work colleagues as she seems to have no filter on what it is and isn't appropriate to say. Also I don't want her going on about my love life at work, it was one thing at 31 but at 39, it's not just that I want the ground to swallow me up, it's actually beyond mortifying and really invasive.

The last time I saw her was the final straw, this time she actually threw a scale 10 tantrum at me, including tears, saying that she doesn't know how I can not care that I'm not with someone, that she could never be single, and that I have GOT to find myself someone (like it was an order), that she has never seen me flirt with anyone (not sure who she thinks I should be flirting with when I've seen her) that I never say I fancy anyone (that's because I clam up when she starts talking about this, also I DO notice attractive men, but it hasn't been top priority as I have health issues that destroy your sex drive, but she really made me question myself and think there was something wrong with me), that I'm letting my family down as surely they want to see me settled and surely my mum wants a grandchild, (she has a grandchild, my sibling got pregnant very young and was always putting on her to babysit and it drove her up the wall) that if she was my mum she would be ringing me every day and that she would be on at me telling me I have GOT to have a man (my mum is proud of me for being strong and independent and she was raised by a single mum herself), no more being fussy, she said that nobody is single at my age and for this long and that as a friend she would not settle until I was happy, and that as a friend I wouldn't like her telling me this but it's not normal and it's not right, and I need to see a therapist and sit down and work out what is stopping me from finding a man, because I've got to get this sorted out once and for all. That I act like I don't care but I should be desperate, that if she was me she would be desperate and she would be doing everything she could to make sure that she found someone.

Obviously all of this has really got to me and made my head spin, my mental state is actually in a bit of a mess over all this, and I have so many other problems at the moment. I could avoid her if it wasn't for the fact that I will most likely see her at work, and now I don't know what to do if she brings it up at work. I just don't know why she is so obsessed with my situation, as it doesn't affect her. I have tried every which way to let her know I don't want to talk about it, or to shut the conversation down, nothing works.

She is a crazy, toxic colleague. I had one and I left a workplace because of her. Maybe change jobs again?

Thank you. I think I'm going to have to. I am occasionally in the office, and she is already asking me which days I am in, so she can arrange to be in as well. I know that she will likely muscle her way in with my work colleagues and bring it up in front of them, and then the conflicting stories will be an awkward situation. But this makes me so angry as it really is nobody's business.

I had a colleague like this who was obsessed with everyone's boyfriends, or lack thereof. I don't mix personal life and work, and I keep a solid boundary that colleagues are not friends. She actually tried to set me up, in the middle of a public office, with a very visibly gay man (I'm gay too but never told her that) and went on and on about it. I said politely and repeatedly 'I'm happy the way I am; if I get married, I'll let you know.' Your one sounds unhinged though, you may have to tell her firmly that from now on your private life is staying private and then grey rock her.

I think this exactly.

Keep notes and be prepared to go to HR with this.

Stop answering her texts.

Block her number.

If she causes a fuss, tell HR you felt harrassed by her constantly going on about your private life.

I wonder too has she followed you.

She sounds utterly unhinged and batshit.

I would make absolutely no pretense of being polite or friendly.

God love you OP.

Thank you both so much.

She's a cunt. She's a bully. She's cruel to you. She's self involved and an attention seeker.

Your mum is awesome.

You're perfectly normal and right to think your colleague is completely inappropriate and unkind.

Do not compromise your expectations to have a relationship for the sake of one.

I would message her something like:

"You seem to be projecting your attitude towards relationships onto my life, which is a bit odd to be honest. You've mentioned counselling to me, which was inappropriate and strange as I'm comfortable with my own boundaries and would rather be single than in a relationship I'm unhappy with, but maybe some counselling might help you to overcome that and not speak to people inappropriately about their private lives. I wanted to let you know directly that the way you discuss my personal life with me is not ok with me, so that I don't have to involve HR as that would make work awkward. Let's draw a line under it and just speak about work if necessary rather than personal stuff so that doesn't need to happen."

Then follow through.

The counselling line is probably dickish but she's been such an arsehole to you I wouldn't be able to resist!

Yep, definitely sounds like an unhealthy interest in you, another vote for she fancied you and wants you for herself.

Give her a swift fuck off, drop a note to HR about your concerns stating that you left your previous job because of her and are concerned she’s followed you to your new place of work then completely disengage from her. If she tries pushing it, tell her she’s unhealthily obsessed and needs help, turn around and walk away. If she persists anymore, back to HR.

How awful for you. Like you I’ve been single for long periods of time, but also like you I’m unwilling to settle for someone just to be in a relationship. Solidarities.

Thanks both. I think anything I say to her regards being unwilling to settle for just any relationship for the sake of it is lost on her, I have tried this one several times, she can't see past it's weird to be single past a certain age or past a certain length of time and it's a problem to be fixed.

I think it's very unlikely that she fancies me (she's definitely straight) but more that she sees herself as a bit of a fixer upper, she is always going on about this girl she knew who was single for years, and went on one night out with her and married the guy. She wouldn't want me to be with some bloke if that was the case (although she seems to want to date vicariously through me).

She is constantly trying to get me to meet up with her outside of work, the last 3 weekends she has sent me endless streams of messages of tons of stuff she wants to do, all of which cost money and are time consuming, and she will always want to go out as early as possible and stay out as late as possible and try to cram ridiculous amounts of stuff into one day/night although mainly, when I do meet up with her she walks around like a lost soul saying "I don't know where to go??" it's really beyond weird. I need to find some concrete excuses as I can't bring myself to just tell her to fuck off (although I would like to).

In the past I have found myself flicking through dating sites, thinking "stop being fussy, you've got to shut her up, you've got to find someone" but I realise I really don't need to do this, and I don't know why I practically made myself ill worrying about what she thinks for so long.

All of the single shaming is done under the guise of acting like it's because she cares about me. Need to draw a line under this whole situation from now on though.

You need to speak to this woman in an assertive tone of voice, like you really mean it and that she needs to get off your case.

Your personal life is of no business to her and you will make your own choices on who you get involved with when you are good and ready. You need to tell her that you are sick to death of having to justify yourself to her and of course, you owe her nothing.

I had a colleague who did something slightly similar to this, but not as bad, in a place I worked at many years ago and she got off my case eventually.

This is harrassment, and it needs to stop. Good luck wth this, hope she sorts her life out and keeps her nose out of yours.

OP,

Help yourself here.

You are sending this lunatic mixed messages.

Stop replying to ANY texts and do not meet her outside work again.

Help yourself.

She really is batshit.

This is sounding like a weird form of ... intertwineness.
Not quite enamoured with you, not quite Single White Femaleing your life either.

How did you let some rando woman from work take up this much space in your life. FFS

She is jealous of you being attractive, young-looking and single. She probably wishes she was single herself. Some women (and married men for that matter) do get insecure around single women in their late 30's.

You do need to get a sense of perspective though, as you've normalised her behaviour which crossed a line long ago.

Be incredibly firm and say "I do not wish to discuss my private life with you again". If she persists go to HR.

Do not feel the need to justify yourself by saying you gave a medical condition / low sex drive - that's absolutely NONE of her business.

I am going to assume you're not living in a big city? As this all sounds like something out of the small town 1950's. She is not a friend of yours. You need to find like-minded people.

Thank you. There is a lot of small town mentality where I live, people tend to settle down young and stay settled. I can’t believe I have let this situation get this out of hand though.

I 've been single even longer than you and had the same problem of friends being over-concerned about my relationship status, though none as overinvested as your colleague. It really is wearing, though in your case way gone way beyond being a bit annoying.

I agree with all the advice from @Ithinkiwanttobealone about handling anything at work.

In terms of the wanting to meet up outside of work and barrage of messagesou are going to have to adopt the same approach and be very clear - some examples.....

"I need to take a step back from us meeting up. We just don't want the same things out of life, I don't enjoy our meet ups and I want to focus on my own things. So I won't be agreeing to any suggestions. Hope you understand. (So please don't message any more)."

"I have said I don't want to meet up again, so please don't keep asking as I won't be saying yes to anything".

"Please stop messaging me, it's really not appropriate. As I've explained our previous friendship has run it's course and is over now. I'm going to be blocking your messages from now on"

Then block her on phone, send emails to junk mail. Anything at work, deal with as already suggested.

You will HAVE to get tough as she clearly won't take no for an answer otherwise.

Thank you. I'm really going to have to because she doesn't take no for an answer with anything. It's hard because I've never felt I've had to do this with anyone before (apart from someone I briefly dated who wasn't taking the hint) for some reason it's harder with a "friend" than a potential boyfriend.

Truth be told I’ve never been 100 per cent sure she’s all there, she thinks she’s helping but all it’s doing is stressing me out.

I've read all your posts @Ceriane , and I think you're going to have to go cold on her. Stop talking to her, replying to her messages, if she asks you a work question answer it but if it's anything personal just say nothing.
She sounds mad!

Thank you. The worst thing about it is I think it is well meaning, but it’s become so obsessive and pushy (which she is about everything) that it is causing me anxiety and stress and I need be really strong in myself about giving her a wide berth.

Definitely back away from this friendship. She will probably be shocked as she won’t realise what she has done wrong. And if the relationship conversation appears,
play the I’ve just split up with someone and can’t talk about it card. Good luck I would be trying to get a job/life further away if she kept following me! 😂

I know. She just has no idea how embarrassing it when she loudly gets really pushy about it. It’s very 13 year old mentality “excuse me are you single only I need to sort my friend out with a fella” to literally everyone with a pulse (we’re in our 30’s and she doesn’t see that this is extremely immature behaviour) I’m beyond fed up to the back teeth with her obsessively going on at me about it and will be avoiding her as much as possible for now on. I can’t believe I put up with it for so long and allowed her to make me feel like there is something wrong with me for daring not to desperately throw myself at men.